She opened the door to her car and out she came. She had my letter in her hands and she was waving her arms in the air while she paced. I couldn’t see her face from where I was sitting but by the way she was moving I could tell she was upset. It wasn’t exactly the reaction that I was going for. Really I was hoping she would come running to me with open arms, guess I was wrong again. What is she doing? She was heading back our trail, the one that led to papaw’s farm. My head was going back and forth. I couldn’t decide if I should chase after her or not. Running my hands down the sides of my jeans, I decided what the hell. I am going. I closed the door as quietly as I could and started across the parking lot. When I reached the edge of the road about to cross the street, I saw her running back. My feet quit moving. I was glued to the spot and couldn’t move. God, I hope she doesn’t see me. She got into her car and peeled out. I didn’t even get a chance to talk to her and make sure she was okay, before she hauled ass.
Two weeks passed and she still had not responded to my letter. She didn’t call, text or write me. I didn’t get a hello or a fuck you. Afraid that she would run, I never risked talking to her. I let her be, even when her birthday passed. I sent her a happy birthday text but I got no response. I didn’t figure I would. I thought the two of us would be partying hard on her eighteenth birthday, but I got a HELL NO in the form of zero text messages. Mom even took her a cake, but Lizzie said that she wasn’t feeling well and that she was spending the day in bed. This is what I am talking about. Who spends their eighteenth birthday in the fucking bed?
I decided to talk to mom about her, as bad as I didn’t want to. She would worry about her, especially when I tell her what kind of shape she’s in. I would be in an awkward position, but someone has to know. Maybe mom would talk to her parents and see if someone could get through to her. In the meantime, I have to come up with a plan to get her to pay me some attention. I’m not sure exactly what yet, but something has to work.
Mom was at the house when I got home from school. I told her that morning that I wanted to talk about Shine and she promised she would be there when I got home.
“Ryker, is that you?” Mom asked as I walked in the door.
“Yeah Mom, it’s me.”
“I’m in the kitchen, Baby. You hungry?” She asked.
“Starving,” I kissed her cheek.
“There is a pot roast and taters in the cooker over on the countertop.”
“It smells good.”
“The cooker is doing the cooking, not me, but thank you. Come on, let’s sit over here and you can tell me what’s been bothering you.” She motioned for me to follow her to the bar stools.
I let out a long sigh before I could even start talking.
“That bad huh?” she patted my shoulder.
“It’s real bad, Momma. Shine is sick. She is really sick and she won’t talk to me and I don’t know what to do.” The words came out of me so fast I wasn’t sure if she could even keep up.
“Okay, how about we start from the beginning and you slow it down for me?” She shook her head and it made me smile. Momma was a tiny little thing. People would flock to her, like flies to honey. You can’t help but love her. She is the sweetest woman and everyone in this town knows her and loves her. You wouldn’t know she was my momma by looking at her. She stands right over five feet tall and has blond hair and green eyes. I am six foot three with brown hair and blue eyes. We are like night and day. The only way to tell that I belong to her is by the dimples in our cheeks. Our smiles match exactly.
I snapped out of it and went on with my story. I told her everything from start to finish. She never interrupted and cried a lot. Crying wasn’t something I was prepared to go through with her, but that’s where it went. I had to bring up dad in my story. There was no way around it. I’m sure that she was flashing back. I felt bad.
“That is so sad. I will have to call and talk to Bill and Lizzie about this.” Of course, I knew that she would want to call her parents. Immediately, I felt like I had betrayed Shine and that this would make her hate me worse.
“Momma, I just don’t know if that is such a good idea, now that I think about it. She already hates me and if she gets into trouble with her parents she will never speak to me again.”
“It won’t be like that. I’m sure that her parents will not make this troublesome for her. They will be just as worried as I am, and if you’d like I will never mention your name. It will seem as if you had nothing to do with it.” I guess that would be okay. At least then she wouldn’t blame me.
“Fine, but make sure that I am left out of it.”
“I will.”
She got up from the barstool to check on supper. “Momma, I was wondering if you had any ideas that would help me get her to talk to me. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I have no idea what to do.” It feels like a lost cause.
“She’ll come around soon enough. You don’t want to do anything crazy and screw things up worse.”
“Maybe, but I just can’t wait any longer. I’m gonna get her back somehow.” I hit the countertop with a little too much force, causing mom to glare at me over the cooker.
“Why don’t you just tell her that you are in love with her?”
I jerked my head up quickly at momma’s words. “How did you know?”
“Oh honey, it’s no secret. You have loved that girl since the moment you laid eyes on her. The day you became Moon, you never left her side.” She was right. I have loved her all these years. I should have just told her. I let out a loud deep breath.
“You’re right. I love her so much that it’s killing me. I need her back and somehow I have to figure out a way.” Quickly I stood from the stool and didn’t wait for mom to respond. “I’m taking a shower and I will be down for supper in a few.” She nodded her head and smiled as I ran off to clear my head.
12
Shine
Today was one horrible day. It didn’t start off well considering I only got about two hours of sleep last night. After mom got off the phone with Moon’s momma we had a massive argument. Lisa had called and told her that she was worried about me. She said that she thought I wasn’t doing well because I wasn’t looking too good. Apparently I am skin and bones and I happen to look like walking death. Of course, we know where that load of shit was coming from. The woman hadn’t laid eyes on me in months, but somehow she just knew that I was not doing well. Right, that is so damn believable. That boy and his big ass mouth make me want to punch him in his face.
Mom had come into my bedroom on a rant and rave with the third degree. She had questioned me about school, my friends, and even my sanity; which I am not sure that I still have. I knew where she was coming from, but I was so mad because I had it all figured out. This was not a part of my plan. Now I was back into the hole I started from.
She and dad were leaving to visit with Grandma for the next two days, but she promised me that when they got back that we would begin the weekly sessions with the therapist. The two of them would join me because we were a family. I believe her exact words were, “We have all suffered and we should get help together” Yep, at this point I wanted to gouge my eyes out with a fork. They almost called off their trip because she felt like I shouldn’t be left alone. Somehow I managed to coerce them into going. I would have to call and check in with them frequently and I’m sure she would have people stopping by the house on a regular basis.
Anyway, that was how my night went, and the day ahead of me seems to be following the same speed. I was late for school which meant that I had to be the center of attention and we all know that being in the center of anything is the last place that I want to be. I tried not to let it get to me too much, but that’s easier said than done.
Right before class let out for my lunch period, I decided to skip it as usual. Some days I would go to the library and read and other days I would find myself outside on the track. Anywhere was better than being in that place. It was my chance to just escape for a little
while, plus I like to avoid Moon at all costs. Today, I decided on the library because I needed to catch up on last night’s homework that I had to put off.
When the bell rang I came out of class and headed straight for my locker. I hadn’t made it out of the first hall when Katie came barreling towards me.
“Hey Shine, what are you doing? Where are you going?” She was a loaded gun, totally unlike herself. And of course she knows that I am not up for small talk, like ever.
“Why are you acting like a raving lunatic? I am getting my books and going to the library. Now, if you will excuse me.”
“No wait,” She grabbed my wrist and I immediately yanked it back. I can’t believe she just touched me. What part of leave me the hell alone does she not get? I took two steps back trying to calm myself down and braced myself against someone else’s locker.
“I am so sorry, Shine. I was just trying to save you from seeing them. I didn’t mean to startle you. I really am sorry.” She was sincere. I know she didn’t mean it. Wait, who?
“Who was I not supposed to see?”
She looked at me through her hooded lashes and I could see the fear in them. She stepped aside and looked behind her. I followed her gaze to where Moon was standing with Melody. Her back was against the wall and he had both of his hands placed on either side of the wall beside her head. He was leaned down whispering in her ear. It was a little stunning. It didn’t bother me that much until I saw that her hands were placed behind his back. That stupid fucker was with that slut. I shook my head and looked back at Katie. She mouthed the words sorry again and I took off. My breaths were short and I was fighting with my chest to make it stop. The panic attack was coming full force and I needed to get out of there. I ran down the hall and out the double doors to the school parking lot. The pills were in my console and I desperately needed them to be able to survive this. How could he do this? I wanted him to move on and be happy, but why her? My breathing was shallower and I was scared with every step that I might pass out. Finally, when I reached the car I swallowed two pills and locked myself inside. No one would get to me in here, I hoped.
It seems lately that my car is my only sanctuary. It’s the place where I can hide and no one will get to me. I can lock the doors and hold the keys in my hand and stay until I felt better. That was my intentions once I took the pills. Resting my head on the steering wheel, I already felt better. Sometimes just knowing I took the pills helps. Removing myself from the situation seems to be the best way to deal with things. I closed my eyes and waited for the pills to kick in and let me take flight. Once the feeling of numbness set in, it was the best feeling ever.
12
And a half
Moon
What the hell did I do? Why would I stoop so damn low? She took off running and I wanted to go after her. I knew where she was going, the same place that she always goes; to her car. I am not sure why, but when she runs that is always the place she can be found. Many times she has jetted from situations here at school and each time I go in search that’s always the place she winds up.
Katie grabbed my shirt just as I was about to pass her in the hallway. She spoke to me and I listened. I was shocked because little Katie barely speaks to me, or anyone. If she wasn’t on the cheerleading squad I wouldn’t think that this girl even had a voice.
“I can’t believe that you did that. You know how she feels about Melody. I mean God Moon, everybody knows how she feels about her. You had better fix it. I saw the look in her eyes and,” she cupped her hands over her mouth and nose. I guess I am not the only one who sees how fragile she is.
“I’ll fix it. I will.” I pulled Katie in under my arm for a hug. She looked like she was about one step from being the broken mess that I was. When she looked up into my eyes I could tell that she understood. “I’m going to get my girl.”
13
Shine
I am not exactly sure how many hours I have been out here in this parking lot. Everybody has already gone home from school, and even the after school activities have all gone home. I texted mom a while back and told her that I had made it home and would call her later. Lie. Lie. Lie.
Even though my breathing improved and I finally felt like my chest wasn’t caving in, I still didn’t feel right so I took two more pills. I was well past my limit, but the more I take the better I feel. This was easy. The feeling of floating made me think of how easy it would be to just take the whole bottle. Just let the sleep consume me and not burden anymore people with my problems. No one would have to worry about me anymore. I wouldn’t have to fight with myself everyday to breathe or to think or to even feel. This had to be the best plan ever. I could do this. I could just disappear from it all. No more pain for me and no more pain for anyone else. The only thing I hope is that Moon will not end up with Melody. Is that horrible of me? Hell yes it’s horrible, but if I can’t have him then I don’t want that bitch to either. Ahahaha… O hell. I was laughing at myself now. These pills were kicking in and I needed to get home before I wouldn’t be able to drive. If I was ending things tonight then I certainly wasn’t doing it here at school.
Everything seems to be buzzing around me, and I feel like I am moving in slow motion. I’m sure it was the effects of the pills I had already taken, but either way I hadn’t felt this good in a long time. It seemed like the perfect opportunity. I had plenty of time to think things through, and I was ready. I could do this, and I would. First thing I needed to do was write my letters. I owed them at least that much. I would write one to my parents and one to Moon. They would just need something so that they could each let go of me.
Once I finished writing the letters it was late. I decided that I would leave Mom and Dad’s letter on their bed. It would lay folded neatly on the sage colored duvet. I also left an envelope for Katie on my nightstand. I didn’t write her a letter, just a note that said thank you with my only pair of diamond earrings tucked inside the envelope. She would not understand the meaning, but to me they were special. My great aunt left them to me when she passed away. She had told me that I would always shine like a diamond, and I know that Katie will too. That girl is the sweetest most genuine girl-friend I have ever had. Befriending me must have been so hard for her considering I was bull-headed and obnoxious. She still stood by me even in these past months when I spoke maybe five words to her. I would say that she is definitely a diamond and I am lucky that I got to see how well she shined. Never will she ever know the impact she made, but I always will.
I stared at Moon’s letter in my hands in debate. Where would I leave his letter? In his hands is where I would like to, but that won’t happen. The best place would be his car. I know he would look there. I could put it in the Mustang on the way to my destination.
I grabbed both bottles of pills and threw them into the tote bag I had already packed, making sure that I didn’t forget anything. Throwing the bag over my shoulder I made sure to lock everything up before I left. This was the first time in months that I truly felt alive. Nothing about what I was doing felt wrong. I was ready. Having nothing to live for made it the easiest decision. I have wondered my whole life how someone could be brave enough to take their own life, but it’s not about being brave. It’s about being ready, and right now I am. I’m weightless and I’m free.
I backed the car out of the driveway and pulled up to the curb outside of Moon’s house. His light was still on so I hoped that he would not see me. I got out of the car quietly and steadied myself, knowing that I shouldn’t be driving. Luckily, I didn’t have too far to go. I checked his Mustang doors which were unlocked. I knew they would be. He never locks his doors, big dummy. Sliding the note into the seat, I shut the door back as quietly as I could. It probably didn’t shut all the way but the light was off so it was fine by me.
I drove to the parking lot of the old drive in. I parked in my favorite spot. It was deserted and dark. Not a sole in sight and that was just how I wanted it. This had to be the place where it happened because it w
as the most special to me.
When I was at home, I came up with a backup plan just in case the other didn’t work. Once again I stumbled out of the car. I had already had five pills in my system from today so to say I was feeling no pain was an understatement. I almost hit the ground, but caught myself on the side of my car. I walked around to the back and stuffed an old towel into the exhaust pipe and wrapped it tightly with Duct Tape. The pipe was still hot so I tried not to burn myself. I got back in the car and started it back up. I had seen this in a movie I watched a long time ago. A boy had found a man in his car trying to commit suicide using the carbon monoxide from his car. Wasn’t quite sure if it would work but at least I had a backup plan in case my pills failed me. Sleep would find me soon and it was sounding better and better.
I laid the seat back and took out my blanket from my bag. I made sure that my star necklace was still around my neck because I wanted to keep it with me. Reaching for both bottles of pills I decided one bottle should do the trick, so I picked the stronger of the two. Opening the lid I didn’t think twice. For some reason everything came easy and willingly to me. It was as if my heart and brain were finally in sync and couldn’t wait to be let go of this horrible life. I poured the pills into my half a bottle of water and closed the lid. I shook them up until they looked dissolved. It had to be easier than trying to swallow all of those pills. I have a hard enough time trying to swallow one. I turned the bottle up and started to swallow. Once I couldn’t swallow anymore I closed my eyes and curled up tightly on the seat. Goodnight fucked up world. Bye Moon.
Moonshine Page 6
