“Don’t freak out. I heard you crying and I came in to check on you. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I answered quickly.
“Uh huh, you can blow that smoke up somebody else’s ass. I’m not buying it for a minute.”
He sure has a way with words. You can’t help but like him. He is brutally honest, but caring. I wondered briefly why someone like him was in a place like this. I handed him the letter to read for himself. I pulled my knees up tightly to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I rested my head on the top of my knees and waited for him to read it.
“Moon is his name? Seriously…”
“Moon is his nickname. His real name is Ryker.”
“Well isn’t that just the cheekiest thing I have ever heard. Moonshine,” he chuckled.
“This is serious.” I frowned. “I have heard that from everyone my entire life. That joke is old and over-told.”
He laughed again. “Sorry, I just couldn’t help it. So why are you crying? You love him.” It was a statement not a question, and yes I did love him.
“It’s complicated, but yes I do love him. We are best friends and I miss him.”
“So call him or write him or something.”
“It isn’t that easy.”
“Of course it isn’t,” he rolled his eyes. “But you aren’t going to tell me why and I can’t help you until you do.”
“Good point.” I half smiled back at him.
“Now, let’s go have breakfast because you are gonna need your strength for group session.”
I sighed heavily. How bad was it going to be? I am so not ready for this. We stood up and I gathered myself. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to be around Bradley. He had already warmed up my heart a little and I barely knew him, and did I mention that he was gorgeous to look at. We were about to step out into the hallway when he put his arm around me. I stopped dead in my tracks and closed my eyes. Was I ready for this? I wasn’t so sure that I could handle it. The smallest gesture made me fight to breathe, and made me feel slightly weak at the knees. I questioned his intentions. Was he making a pass at me?
“Just breathe. Don’t you over think this? We are going to eat. I’m going to help you get over this fear of touching one way or the other. Now, deep breathe in and one foot in front of the other.” I took a deep breath and looked him in his eyes before I began to walk. “See, you got this.”
17
And a half
Moon
After I finished writing Shine’s letter, I knew that I wanted her to have it immediately. The facility was only about a forty five minute drive, so I would take it there myself. If I relied on the mail it would probably take days.
As soon as the last bell rang, I went straight to my car to leave. I didn’t stop to talk to anybody. I heard Melody yelling my name in the hallway, but I didn’t stop. She was beginning to get under my skin. After the incident in the hallway she thought that I wanted her. I didn’t fucking want her. It only took two days of her nagging me to death before I finally told her. But guess what, as usual the bitch can’t take no for answer. I even told her that I was in love with Shine, and I swear it made it worse. She is like a tick on a dog’s ass. She won’t let go. Luckily I was able to get to my car unscathed.
I had to work for Papaw today, so the sooner I got to the farm the sooner I would be done and on my way to deliver the letter. I didn’t want to work at all, but I had to. Papaw doesn’t take lightly to missing work. He expects me there on time and ready. I would have to work twice as fast if I was going to have time to drive all the way to Cedar County, and be home on time.
The forty five minute drive only took me thirty three. I was in a hurry. I’m not sure why because I knew I wasn’t going to get to see her. I guess maybe I was hoping for just a glimpse of her face to keep my sanity at bay. I smelled like manure and was covered in sweat. They will probably think I have lost my mind, walking in there smelling like this.
I hesitated for a second before I worked up the nerve to enter the doors. I would say that I was greeted at the door, but the frumpy gray haired woman was too mean for a greeting.
“Excuse me, ma’am.” Her back was to me so I tapped her shoulder lightly.
“Visiting hours are Sundays only, so unless you plan on signing yourself in, you can just walk your little behind right back out them doors.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to visit; I just wanted to leave a letter here for my best friend.”
“Boy, ain’t you ever heard of a mailbox and a stamp?”
“Yes I have, but I couldn’t wait. That takes days. I want her to have the letter now.”
She studied my face for a moment. She also looked me over real good. I could tell that she was questioning my every move and it didn’t help matters that I looked and smelled really bad. “Who is it for?”
“Shine Craven.”
“She hasn’t even been here forty eight hours. This couldn’t wait?”
“Like I said ma’am, it’s real important to me that she get it.”
“How far did you travel to get here?”
“I live in Davis County. It’s only about forty five minutes south of here.”
“I suppose I could give her this letter, but I need to ask you something.” I shook my head for her to continue. “This letter will not set her back, right? She can only move forward in here. She must get herself better and she can’t do that if she lets the wrong people back into her life, or if someone says something to throw her off track. You get what I’m saying?”
“I understand and with all due respect ma’am, I love her. I would never do anything to hurt her. Not on purpose. I swear to it. She has always been the best thing in my life and I just miss her so bad. I can’t picture my life without her.”
“I see. Does she know that you feel this way?”
“She knows that I love her because she is my best friend, and she also knows that I would do anything for her. She doesn’t know that I am in love with her. We aren’t at a really good place right now, but it’s not because I don’t want to be. It’s complicated. She had a really bad accident a few months back and she hasn’t really spoken to me since. I don’t know all the details, but she still wants nothing to do with me. She might not even want my letter either, but that’s okay. I plan on bringing her one every day, and I promise you that I would not write anything to her that would make her treatment harder. I love her too much to jeopardize her health. She probably won’t read them anyway.”
“Every day huh?”
“That’s the plan.”
“You are doing a good thing Son. You keep fighting for her. You hear? I have seen a lot of patients in my time and I can assure you that she is not of sound mind right now. Her choices are all based on some bad experience that she can’t recover from and her body only knows how to shut down. If she believes in herself and the treatment, I promise that she can get better. You have to believe in her too and let her heal. I will give her this letter first thing in the morning during mail delivery.”
“Thank you. I don’t want her to know that I’m delivering them here.”
“I won’t tell her. It’s very sweet what you are doing. Hopefully, one day you will get your chance to tell her that you love her.”
“I hope so. I better get back on the road. Thanks again, Ma’am.”
“The name is Gerry.” She held out her hand for me to shake.
“Ryker Morgan,” I replied, “but if you hear her talk about someone named Moon, that’s me.”
“Get on home, Ryker. I will see you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight.” I left the facility feeling good about the letter. Thanks to Gerry, I feel like maybe there is some hope for me and Shine after all.
18
Shine
It was my first group therapy session and I was hoping I would get to do a one on one with the doctor before I had to attend a group. There were two couches and a love seat, and six of us in the group. I would only feel co
mfortable next to Bradley, and he made sure that I wasn’t next to anyone but him. We sat on the couch against the farthest wall. He sat down in the middle and left room for me to sit next to him on the outside. There were three girls and three boys in this group. No one looked happy to be there and no one stood out to me as far as looks. Except for maybe Bradley, the boy dresses nicer than any guy I have ever met.
The doctor took his seat in the rolling chair at the front of the room. He was a tall man with dark hair and dark thick eyebrows. I could tell that he had some kind of different ethnicity in him somewhere. All the hair that covered his body was very dark as well as his eyes, or at least they seemed to be under his coke bottle eyeglasses. He wore khaki pants that rose up to his knees when he sat down, and it showed his mismatched diamond pattern socks. He cleared his throat twice before he spoke.
“Good morning everybody, I’m glad to see everyone is here in one piece this morning. I can tell that you all are so excited to be here.” Wow! This guy was unquestionably a morning person, and don’t get me started on that sarcasm. Without missing a beat he continued on. “Today we have a new face amongst us, Shine Craven. Very nice to see you with us today, Shine. Don’t let anyone here freak you out. They may look like a scary mob, but I have seen them when they brush their hair and they are a good looking group.” A few people laughed and I smiled.
“See, I’m not so bad. Today we are going to start from where we left off yesterday. I will not expect you to speak today.” He was looking directly at me as he spoke. “You will just observe how this works until you feel comfortable enough to join in.” I nodded.
“Okay… So yesterday I asked everyone to tell me in one word how you feel others perceive you. I also asked that that one word be the one that hurts the most. The word you feel that sets you apart from others. This must be the word that the people you call friends would use to describe you behind your back. You were able to sleep on this and think about it last night. I am curious to know what you’ve all came up with. We will start on this side of the room and go right down the line.”
The first girl used the word Junkie. She agreed that she did have a drug problem, but that Junkie was the word that hurt her the most. From looking at each of them I would not use the words that they chose. Of course, I only knew them from a glance, and I had no right to pass judgment “even if I wanted to.” The next few words were equally as hurtful. After Junkie I heard the words, Skank, Worthless, and Easy. When they stopped on Bradley, I was curious. Who would say something hurtful to that gorgeous face? He has it all, good looks, obviously money from the way he dressed, and he was so funny.
When it was his turn to speak, he looked straight ahead. “Fag,” he said loudly. “That word hurts the worst. Being gay is hard enough. I don’t like that label.”
He’s gay. How did I not know that he was gay? I’m pretty sure that I would notice something like that. No one else seemed to be as shocked as I was. The doctor nodded and everyone else acted like it was no big thing. I mean I guess it is no big thing, but I had been worried about him touching me. This makes a big difference. He finally turned to look at me and it was most likely because I was staring. I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t help it. I was trying to put the pieces together in my head. I hadn’t known very many people who were gay, or at least not that I know of. He wasn’t any different than the boys I would hang out with at school. The only difference was that he dressed better, but that wasn’t a red flag. I asked myself if it bothered me, and the answer was no. I didn’t care that he was gay and I would never use that word to describe him. One of these days when I feel comfortable enough I’ll him that he isn’t different. I’ll him that the one word I would use to describe him is friend. Even if the words hot and gorgeous pop into my head.
I smiled at him briefly, but he looked so sad. He was hurting and I did the one thing that I could think of to make it better. I took his hand. As hard as it was for me, I owed him as much. He had been there for me with no questions asked. It was the least that I could do. I squeezed his hand hard. I’m not sure if it was to reassure him or to keep control of myself. It was the perfect gesture because his face relaxed and he looked at me with a knowing look. Then he brushed his thumb lightly over my hand and we sat like that for the rest of the session. It was nice.
Immediately after class I had to meet with the doctor for my single session. Bradley said that he would save me a seat at lunch and I waved him goodbye.
Doctor Norman Greene was the name on the gold plate hanging outside of his office. I’d heard them address him in group as Doctor G and I wondered what his real name was. I knocked on the door and he called for me to enter. It looked exactly how I thought it would. The space was small and held several shelves that were filled floor to ceiling with books. There was also a couch. I have never been inside of a physiatrist’s office, but I assumed couches were a necessity.
“Come on in and have a seat. We will get started just as soon as I put away this stack of papers. I promise you that in my brain I am organized. Don’t judge me by my desk.” He stepped out from behind his desk and took his seat in the arm chair in front of the couch. He had his legal pad in hand. “All right now. You can have a seat right here on the couch.”
When I took my spot he got right to the subject. He was so fast I didn’t even have time to blink.
“You are here with us because you tried to commit suicide and you failed. Actually, if I’m reading this correctly you almost succeeded but were rescued by someone. Correct?”
“Yes.”
“Let’s start from the beginning. Tell me everything.”
“It started with the accident, but I don’t want to talk about the day. Ever.”
“At some point you’ll have to talk about it in order to heal. I promise you, it will get easier every time. I spoke with Gerry and she gave me the list of medication that you’re taking. I see that you’re taking something for anxiety and something to help you sleep per the hospital. What kind of pills were you taking at the time of your most recent incident?”
“I was on pain pills from my wreck, anxiety pills, and sleeping pills.”
“I see. How often are you suffering from the anxiety and do you have full blown attacks?’
“Yes. I have the attacks a lot, several times a day actually. The pills help me.”
“I will allow you to continue taking the pills for the anxiety until you can learn better how to control them yourself. If we do things right we can have you completely off your medications in the ninety days.”
I rolled my eyes.
“I saw that.” He tapped his pen on his notepad. “I’m serious. You can get better, if you want to. Now, let’s start talking. I know that it’ll be hard for you, but it’ll help. I won’t judge you. I won’t ask you to share every detail. Just tell me where all of this started.”
“I haven’t said it out loud to anyone, not even myself.”
“That’s fine. You don’t even have to say it now, but getting it off your chest will help your mind rest. Sometimes relieving the weight from your chest is a miracle worker all in itself.”
I took a deep breath. I would tell him. I could do this. I know he is right. I know that if I tell somebody I will feel better, but it’s hard. I have carried this secret with me for months. Alone.
“I can see that you’re getting upset. I can tell it in your body language. If you need to put up your feet, you can. That’s what the couch is for, and of course my naps. I’m pretty old you know. Sometimes I’m ready for bed around three in the afternoon.”
I knew what he was trying to do, and it was actually working. I propped my feet up onto the couch and it helped. This way I was facing away from him, and when I closed my eyes I could picture myself talking to Bradley instead. “It started a few months ago. I was raped by my best friend’s father at my school, and then when we were on our way home we wrecked. It was just me and him in the car. Me and Moon’s father, I mean. His father died right there in the
seat next to me, and I lived. No one knows what he did to me, especially not my best friend Moon. Since then I haven’t been able to be around him. He has his father’s eyes.” I was choked up and barely talking.
“How long have the two of you been friends?”
“We met the summer before second grade. We have been best friends ever since.”
“I see, and what is your reasoning behind not telling him the truth.”
“I won’t tell him.”
“I’m not asking you too. I just want to know why. Why is it that you haven’t told him?”
“He won’t believe me. It’s his dad. I will lose my best friend forever.” I argued.
“And how long has it been since you have talked to this best friend? You said earlier that you haven’t been able to be around him?”
“Since the day I woke up in the hospital, I can’t bring myself to be near him.”
“Seems to me like you have already lost him then, correct?”
“I, well,” I stuttered with my words.
“In this situation you are losing him either way. It may not seem like it now because he is still close enough to reel back in his friendship, but if you keep pushing him away then you will lose him.”
“I don’t want to lose him forever, I love him.”
“You’re in love with him, or you love him as your best friend?” He was writing a million miles per minute on that notebook of his. I wondered if I had said the wrong thing. I guess there was no use in denying it now.
“I’m in love with him and I have been since we were kids.”
“Good, then you don’t want to lose him. I’m going to tell you like I tell all of my patients when they start this treatment. You have a long road ahead of you, and it won’t be easy. You will struggle today and every day. If it were easy then everyone would do it. I like for my patients to set a goal for themselves that they will have to master before they leave the facility. It’s sort of like your final exam. The truth will set you free, my girl. This will be your final exam.”
Moonshine Page 9
