by Jillian Dodd
But, now, all I can think about is losing her.
Of losing the baby.
And I know that I can't agree with her wishes.
If there's a choice to be made, I'll pick her.
I could survive the loss of our child, but I couldn't survive losing her.
I'm pretty sure I couldn't exist without her.
I remember her coming home from one of Lori's baby showers. Telling me how someone was telling them about a stillborn baby. How just retelling the story brought tears to her eyes. How she was clutching her growing baby bump like she was afraid to mention the word in front of our child.
The doctor pulls out the baby, who looks bluish, not red and angry like in the childbirth class photos.
My heart sinks.
And Jadyn's hand goes limp in mine.
I turn to look at her, innately knowing that even though she's under anesthesia she knows that our baby didn't make it.
She's going to be devastated.
A machine beeps.
Then another.
"She's crashing!" a nurse yells.
"She's lost too much blood!"
My world spins out of control as I recognize the underlying panic in their once calm voices.
"Her blood pressure is too low."
"She's coding."
The mood in the room changes in a heartbeat.
Everyone is suddenly very serious.
Grim.
I hear an announcement over the hospital's PA system. Code Blue.
"Code Blue?" I ask.
"Get him out of here!" someone yells.
"NO!" I scream. "I'm not going anywhere! Someone needs to tell me what's happening!"
"Sir, you need to leave." A male nurse grabs my shoulder tightly as tears of frustration and rage spill out of my eyes. "We need you to leave now."
"I'm not leaving," I tell him, still holding her hand, but standing up taller, so he can take in my size.
No fucking way he's making me leave.
But then two people have ahold of me.
I maneuver away from them, bend down next to Jadyn, and yell in her ear. "Stay with me, Princess! Don't you leave me! Don't you dare leave me! I need you!"
"I said get him out of here!" the doctor's voice booms.
They manage to get ahold of the back of my shirt and drag me away, forcing me to let go of her hand. But I still have my hand outstretched toward her. I can't let go.
I can't.
But as I stare at her lifeless body, the fight is knocked out of me.
They drag me to the door, but I don't want to go. An insurmountable amount of pain courses through me. This can't be happening. This cannot be happening.
I cry out again, "Don't you dare leave me, Princess! Don't you dare!"
I'm thrust outside of the operating room and into the hall, where a group of nurses are rushing toward me. I back against the wall to get out of their way, but stop one who looks nice.
"What does Code Blue mean?" I ask as she's opening the door.
"I'm sorry," she says sympathetically, rushing inside and slamming the door on everything important in my world.
I drop to my knees and sob as visions of her dance through my head.
Hair that looks like sunshine blowing in the breeze as she swings upside down from a tree.
That same blonde hair under a veil as she floats down a staircase.
My heart swelling in my chest when she says, 'I'm pregnant.'
The symphony of her laughter when I tell her that she's always loved me.
Her lips on mine as she straddles me and says what I've been longing to hear.
Her hand squeezing mine seconds before she speaks at the funeral.
Taunting me with giggles when she catches her first fish before I do.
The sound of her voice in my ear every night.
Smooth, soft skin that smells like summer pressed against mine.
Screams as I save her from a garden snake.
Freckles covered with mud, a white t-shirt becoming transparent as we wash off the four-wheeler.
Standing cheek to cheek by the swings, her tears making my shirt damp.
A ring sliding on my finger as she recites, 'For as long as I'm lucky enough to have you.'
Gratitude when she sees the angel wings tattoos on Danny and me.
A grin that completely undoes me.
Tossing her into a pool then getting chased and letting her catch me.
Being rewarded with a kiss on the cheek as she tells me, 'You acted like a prince today.'
Our lives are like single threads meticulously woven together--the result an exquisite tapestry of past, present, and future. Bound by unflappable trust, our hearts, our desires, her life woven into mine.
'Don't pull on the thread of your sweater when it's unraveling, Phillip. It will come undone.'
Her sly grin as she says, 'Let's pull it and see if it's true.'
Stitch by stitch.
Row by row.
I'm coming slowly undone until there is nothing left of me.
My princess--my life, my world--is dead.
Danny
Mrs. Mackenzie's voice is ragged and stressed.
I catch certain key words: JJ. Car accident. The name of a hospital.
I'm turning the car around to head to the hospital before I even hang up.
It's like deja vu.
I'm drunk, lying in my dorm, and thinking about her. I can still feel the softness of her sweater and the coolness of her skin against my warm hand. I'm thinking about those mile-long legs in dark jeans that hugged her curves.
I can hear one of the twins tell me how That Asshole Jake--that's what Phillip and I called him whenever Jay wasn't around--brought another girl to the party. He goes on about the girl's massive boobs while I watch Jay struggle to get across the field in the high heels she's wearing. As much as I want to immediately go beat the living shit out of Jake, I find myself jogging after her.
She has a little meltdown. The cutest babbling meltdown. Of course, my horny teen mind focuses on one detail. The thong she says she's wearing. Jay has always been cute. She's always been my friend. And, really, she is the only girl friend I have. Every other girl is just sex.
And, suddenly, I see my chance, that perfect crease in the defense where I know I can run straight through to the end zone.
I shut her up with my lips.
She's surprised when I kiss her but her lips quickly get in sync. Kind of like when I taught her how to kiss and we kissed for hours--but hotter. She's better at it. Her tongue not unsure.
I want to throw her in the backseat of Lisa's car, strip her clothes off, and fuck her.
And if she were any other girl, that's exactly what I'd do.
But this is Jay. She deserves better.
I stop kissing her. I have to, or I'll go against my better judgment.
She freaks out. Worries she's become a bad kisser.
And from somewhere in my memory comes the perfect line straight from her own smart-ass lips.
"Well, I can't be sure," I laugh. "The line judge didn't have a clear view, the side judge over there was watching the cheerleaders, and since there's no instant replay available," I shrug my shoulders and tilt my head, "I'm just gonna have to call a do over."
"You're a cheater," she says.
"Better than being a liar," I fire back. But it's the sexy way she looks at me that causes my mouth to find hers again.
I don't want to stop kissing her.
But I have to.
Or I'm going to do something I'll regret. Because right now my dick is voting for the backseat.
"Uh, let's go get a beer, Jay."
She doesn't look convinced and gives me a pout. It's that face--that look--that has always stopped both Phillip and I dead in our tracks.
It's not her sassiness. Or her intelligence. Those things we'll fight her tooth and nail on, but when she whips out the pout, she always wins.
When I first moved to
the neighborhood in sixth grade, I made her cry. Phillip told me if I ever made her cry again, he'd punch me until I cried. He had a fierceness about him, to this day, I've never doubted that he would.
It's that look--those words echoing in my head--that makes me grab her hand and drag her back to the party.
Phillip gives me a similar fierce look when I slide my hands around her waist.
And when she leaves to go to the bathroom with Lisa, he raises his chin and almost imperceptibly shakes his head. It's the same thing he does on the football field. It means he's not open, so don't throw him the ball.
It's a warning.
And, right now, he's clearly warning me not to mess with her.
I chug some of the Warren twins' whiskey and decide she needs my attention to cheer her up.
I tell myself I'm doing it for her.
That I'm kissing those soft lips just to make her feel better.
I know at some point the shit's going to hit the fan. Either Phillip and I will come to blows, or we'll team up on Jake.
Since I don't want to have it out with my best friend, I decide to push Jake's buttons and come up with the idea of making him jealous.
Her eyes sparkle like they always do when she knows we're going to do something exciting--something that will most likely get us into trouble.
It's that sparkle that makes me think about the backseat again.
I make a snap decision.
Jake, first. Backseat, later.
Or maybe I'll take her back to my dorm. My roommates are gone for the weekend.
We get in clear view of Jake and I turn on the charm, for both Jake and my own reasons. Jake insults Jay and laughs about the fact that he went elsewhere for sex.
I pull Jay closer and run my hand suggestively up her thigh. "Hey, Jake, ya think maybe there's a reason she's never done it with you?" I cock my head and shrug. "Might explain all them trips to Lincoln . . . " Then I give Jay a hungry look, one driven as much by my own cock as by my need to put this asshole in his place.
Jake lunges at me.
The Warren twins and I make fast work of Jake, even when his friends get involved.
But when I turn around to claim a victory kiss, she's gone.
"Lisa, where's Jay?" I ask.
"Phillip dragged her out of here. They left."
It always has to be Phillip. He always has to play the knight in shining armor.
Damn him.
I'm tipsy and horny as fuck and have no intention of sleeping alone tonight, so I grab my phone, intending to booty call the hot girl who's been sending me dirty pictures all week.
I'll fuck her. Get my head straight.
Then tomorrow I'll drive home.
Screw studying for finals. I'll take Jay out for lunch.
Kiss her again.
Make a decision how to proceed while I'm sober.
When I look at my phone, I notice three missed calls from my mom. It's a little unusual for her to call so late, but I'll deal with her tomorrow. She would've left a message if it were important.
But then I see I have a missed call and a voicemail from Phillip.
I listen to it: "Jay parents. Accident. Life Flighted. It's not good. Call me."
When I call him back, I feel sick to my stomach. The alcohol I consumed tonight is suddenly not sitting well with the late night Taco Bell drive thru.
Phillip says, "Hey, hang on."
I can hear him walking.
He tells me about the crash. "Head on. Mom dead. She got to say goodbye to her dad. He's dead too."
I can barely speak when he hands the phone to her.
What do you say when your best friend just lost her parents and you've been thinking about how to get into her pants?
"Jay, I'm so sorry."
And I know it. I know I'm going to get to the hospital and Phillip is going to say the same words about her and the baby.
They never had a chance.
I think about the funeral. How Jay asked me, without a tear, to be a pallbearer. How I nodded yes even though carrying a coffin was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to pull her into my arms tell her it would be alright--that I'd take care of her.
But she clung to Phillip. He was always touching her. Holding her hand. She held his hand with such force; we were all convinced it was the only thing keeping her upright.
Then the whole Prom thing came up.
My parents thinking she needed to go. Phillip not wanting her to go with Jake.
His offer to ditch his date and take Jay instead.
I stepped up to the plate.
I would take her.
After we take some pre-Prom photos, Phillip pulls me aside and says, "Don't you dare hurt my girl. She's been through enough."
I know what he's talking about.
Know she's a virgin.
Know I shouldn't take advantage of the situation, but the competitor in me wants to do just that. I want to hold her and touch her in ways Phillip's only dreamed about. And I know he dreams about her. He pretends like it's some hot model but the things the model does are all things Jay does. I'm pretty sure he's in love with her.
Am I in love with her? No.
I love her. Like, as a friend. I think we'd have a lot of fun together. I think with a little coaching she'd be wild in bed.
I'm always nice when I end things with girls. I'd be nice to her when it was over.
And it would be over.
I adore her, but she also drives me flipping nuts. Always fighting me about something.
We'd definitely have fun while it lasted.
But my mind is wrestling between wanting to get with her and not wanting to hurt her. Even though she hides it well, the way she clings to Phillip tells me she's not okay. She hasn't even cried. Not once. Not at the funeral.
Nothing.
What if we do it, and she hates me for taking advantage of her?
The more I dance with her and kiss her, the less I worry about all of this, and by the time we get to the hotel room, I'm drunk and horny.
I try to be romantic and pop some champagne. I try not to think about how there's something else I'll be popping shortly. And with the way she's been kissing me, I know she wants to.
I pull her close and kiss her, running my fingers through her hair. Her hair is up in a bun and I want it down, flowing around her face.
I take out the pins and toss them to the ground.
"Danny, wait," she says, and I think, Shit, she's changing her mind.
Good thing I can be very persuasive.
One of my many off-field talents.
I pour some more champagne, drain it, and kiss her again.
Then she says, "I want to get into something more comfortable."
I want to tell her lingerie isn't necessary. That I'm just going to take it off. That naked is always best.
But then I remember it's her first time. She probably has some plan. Virgins always have a plan.
While she goes into the bathroom, I take my jacket and shirt off and put them on the dresser. I push my pants down over my boner and about fall over trying to get my shoes off while my pants are down around my ankles.
I know she and Jake have done stuff, but I've seen him in the locker room with his little pencil dick. I opt to leave my boxers on. I don't want to scare the poor girl.
I remember one girl--Brittany, or Bethany, some B-name, whatever--telling me she didn't think it would fit. I proceeded to show her it fit just fine.
I get a condom out of my wallet and set it on the nightstand. Even drunk, I remember No glove, no love.
As I lie down on the bed, it spins a little. Shit. I don't feel so good.
I grab the trash can and heave into it.
Then I lie back down and close my eyes for just a minute.
I wake up freezing.
I survey my surroundings and see I'm lying in a hotel bed wearing only boxers.
And what is that smell? I gag and then grab the trash can and thro
w up in it--again, apparently.
Shit.
"Jay?" I say.
What the hell happened? What did we do? Did we have sex? Did I puke in the middle of it? Oh, god. That would probably scar her for life.
Then I see the condom still lying on the nightstand and try harder to remember.
"Jay," I say again, checking the bathroom. I'm half afraid she's in there bawling. Her prom dress is hung up. There's some lace half-shoved in a duffle bag.
I pull out the red nightie.
Shit. She would've looked hot in this. She would have put this on and come out, excited to show me.
And what did she find?
Me half naked, passed out next to a trash can full of puke?
I grab a glass, fill it with tap water and down it. I'm thirsty. Then I grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth.
She must have gone to Billy's party.
Shit. Some date I am.
I throw on a pair of shorts and go to the party. Turning down a beer and learning no one has seen her. I know she can't be with Phillip, because he had sex plans with Carrie. Even went all out on a room with a hot tub.
I go knock on his door anyway, because I'm getting a little worried. If she left with Jake, Phillip would be pissed at me.
When Phillip answers, I peek toward the bed, hoping to see Carrie naked. Instead, Jay sits up and rubs her sleepy eyes.
What the hell is she doing in bed with Phillip? And where the hell is Carrie?
But then I realize they both have clothes on.
I'm either still drunk or too hungover to process.
So I tease her, offering a threesome, and end up in bed with her and Phillip, doing nothing but sleeping.
Later, I wake up hungover as fuck and get a nasty dose of reality.
Jay is sleeping peacefully, her long hair splayed out across Phillip's arm, her head resting on his shirtless shoulder, her face snuggled into his neck, and his arm wrapped possessively around her.
I'm never one to back down from a challenge or a dare. I never quit when I'm behind in a game.
I never give up.
But I know better than to play a game I'll never win.
I'm almost to the hospital when my phone buzzes again. I glance down and see Coach's name.
"Danny, where are you?"
"I'm headed to the hospital. My friend, Jadyn, was in an accident."
"That's why I was calling you. Marcus told me about the accident, and I drove by the scene on my way home. Um, have you gotten an update on her, uh, condition?"
"No, I'm almost at the hospital. I don't know much yet."
