by Jillian Dodd
"Then what happened?"
"I heard Phillip yell, Princess, don't you dare leave me."
"But you did."
"I saw kids playing on a swing set Phillip built. You and Lori were there, but he was with someone else. It broke my heart."
"He'd never get over losing you. You know that. Neither would I." He hands me a water bottle and says, "Drink this. Your voice sounds hoarse."
I sip from a straw, savoring the coolness on my throat.
"Speaking of losing. Phillip said it's Sunday morning. Aren't you supposed to be playing football today?"
"Hey," he says. "I'm not a loser, and that's not a very nice thing to say to someone who has been worried about you."
"How am I supposed to watch you play, if you're here?"
He smacks my hand. "What part of you were dead don't you understand?"
"Was I really dead?"
"Phillip was with you in surgery when your heart stopped. They rushed him out of the room. Called code red or blue or whatever they do. When I got here, Phillip told me you were gone. But I guess they worked on you. Zapped you or whatever they do to make your heart start beating again. They didn't tell us they revived you for almost an hour. It was the longest hour of my life. Phillip was inconsolable. And even once they told us they had revived you, they couldn't assure us you'd be fine, and we didn't know what to expect when you woke up."
"You always said my mom must have dropped me on my head when I was a kid." I laugh.
He rolls his eyes at me. "Well, obviously, your memory is still in tact."
"You should also know that I drafted you as my fantasy football quarterback and if you don't play tonight, I'll start the season in last place."
"Out of all the quarterbacks you could have drafted, you chose me? You must have gotten a shitty pick."
"I had first pick, Danny."
"But you should have taken Brady or Manning. Rogers."
"Danny, this is your first full season. It's your team. You're not the replacement or the backup. You're the starting quarterback for a professional football team. Exactly where we all knew you'd be. It's your time to shine. There's no other quarterback I'd want on my team. I don't care how many rings they have. And if I win, I'll get like seventy-two dollars."
He pips my finger and looks at his watch. "Oh, sure. That's why you're trying to get rid of me."
I look at him seriously. "I really appreciate you being here with Phillip. A lot, Danny."
"Nowhere else I'd be. His parents are here too. I understand you were upset with Phillip's mom before you left."
"I blew up."
"She chewed his ass, just so you know."
"Why?"
"Because he should've talked to her about it."
"I should have talked to her about it too, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Honestly, it was Lori--"
"I'm sorry I made you go over there. She told me what she said. She feels really bad about everything that's happened lately. When she apologizes, do you think you can forgive her? For me?"
I nod. "Of course, I will."
Danny smiles at me. "I'm glad you're not dead."
"I am too."
Phillip walks into the room carrying a little bundle wrapped in the blue and white cloud blanket I bought just the other day. I don't think I've ever seen him look more handsome. When he was in here a few minutes ago, he looked exhausted. Now, he's practically glowing.
The beaming look of pride he has trumps every single moment I saw on Heaven TV.
I can't believe he's carrying our baby.
He lays the bundle in my arms.
The most perfect baby stares up at me with wide, blue eyes. His eyes are framed with dark eyelashes even though he has a tuft of blonde hair. He has adorably chubby cheeks and perfect lips. His mouth forms a little O-shape and he coos at me.
"He's so beautiful," I whisper, still in awe of how perfectly perfect he is. I rub my lips across his feather soft hair. "And he smells so good."
I try to open up the blanket, but my IV gets caught.
Phillip helps me, revealing ten toes.
"Oh my gosh, he has your feet, Phillip!" I laugh, looking at his long, bony toes. "Look, Danny! He has Skeletor toes already!"
Danny laughs.
"But he looks just like you," Phillip says, dreamily.
"Do you really think so?"
"Looks like a little old man to me," Danny teases.
Phillip ignores him. "My mom has a picture of us as babies and he looks just like you did."
"But he has your mouth," I say.
"Did Phillip tell you he named the baby?" Danny asks with a naughty smirk.
"Oh, Phillip, you didn't. If you named him Otto, I swear--"
He puts his pinkie next to the baby's hand, and I watch in marvelous wonder as the baby grasps ahold of it.
"What? I thought you loved that name."
I nod my head toward the door and motion to Danny with my eyes. "Don't you have somewhere you need to be?"
"I'm not sure if I should play."
"Danny, you need to."
He kisses my head. "Yeah, I suppose you're right."
When he gets to the doorway, he stops, turns around, and lets out a deep sigh.
"What?" I ask.
He grabs the duffle bag that we had packed for the hospital. "After what you went through with your heart and all, I probably shouldn't scare you." He pulls the Husker gnome out of the bag and sets it on the bedside table.
"I wondered when that thing was going to turn up," Phillip laughs.
"It's been in your bag since you packed it. I thought you'd get a kick out of having it during the labor process, but Jay ruined my brilliant plan with all of her drama."
I laugh with them but purposefully roll my eyes toward the door.
He holds up his hands. "Fine! I'm going!"
"I need lots of passing yards, please."
Danny plugs his ears as he walks out. "I didn't hear you."
Phillip sits on the bed and grins at me, then runs his hand across the baby's forehead, just like he does mine when I'm stressed.
"Chase Michael Mackenzie, meet your mommy."
"You gave him my dad's middle name? We didn't talk about that."
"I know, but it just felt right. Did Danny tell you any of what happened?"
"Yeah, kind of."
"Did he tell you that we thought you were dead for what felt like an eternity?"
"He did. I'm sorry you had to go through that, Phillip."
Phillip nods, tears welling up in his eyes. He wraps his arm around me. "I love you."
"I heard you, Phillip."
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't hear you when you talked to me after the surgery, but when you said, Don't leave me, Princess, I heard you. I never want to leave you."
Emotions rip through me. Joy. Happiness. Relief.
And love.
Most of all, an overwhelming, deep in my soul, all-consuming love.
"We have a present for you," he says with a grin.
"We?"
"Yes, me and Chase." He pulls my charm bracelet out of his pocket and puts it on my wrist.
I spot the new charm immediately. A star that's sparkling with diamonds.
"It's beautiful," I say.
"Do you know why we got a star?"
"Heaven?" I guess.
"At the swings before I proposed again, you told me that you'd always loved me but that our love felt too big and you felt small in comparison. I didn't completely understand what you meant. But I do now. The love I feel for you and this little guy," he says, squeezing my hand, "is almost overwhelming. Like the stars we used to stare at. My love for you both is the size of the universe."
I kiss the baby's head. "I love you, Chase Michael Mackenzie. Thank you for the charm."
And then I kiss Phillip.
Danny is playing on the TV, the baby is sleeping in my arms, and Phillip is asleep in the recliner next to the bed. I stare
at both of them in a happy daze. I notice the baby journal tucked into the chair next to Phillip, so I carefully reach over and grab it, deciding I need to write something.
I'm shocked to find out that Phillip already has.
Dear Baby Mac,
You were born three weeks early on September 7th, weighed in at six pounds five ounces, and were 19 1/2 inches long. You were early because you and Mommy got into a car accident and it caused her to have something called a placental abruption. That's a bad thing because it meant she was bleeding and you were not getting all the oxygen you needed.
When you were born, you were a little blue and your APGAR score was low, but the nurses took care of you and the next time they did the score, you were almost perfect. Your mom had a rougher time and, for a while, I thought we had lost her.
It was the worst pain I've ever experienced. Way worse than any of the bones I've broken. Even the time I fell out of a tree and they had to screw my arm back together.
But when you love someone the way I love your mom, you'd happily take physical pain over the emotional kind.
She's in the ICU now. Stable but critical. They say the next twenty-four hours are crucial.
And I'll admit, I'm scared.
My parents are here--your grandparents.
And Danny. Danny is my best friend and he's never left my side through all of this. I hope someday you will have a friend like him.
Everyone has been asking me what your name is. To be honest, I thought you were going to be a girl. We had agreed on a girl's name but not a boy's.
But your mom's favorite was Chase, so I decided on Chase Michael Mackenzie. You have a grandpa and grandma in heaven.
And it may sound crazy, but when I was crying in the waiting room, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw him rocking you. When I turned to see if I was just hallucinating, he was gone. But I'm pretty sure he was there. Helping us get through it.
So I gave you his middle name, Michael.
I have to admit, I always thought most babies were kinda ugly.
But not you.
You're perfect.
I've been holding you and feeding you until your mom is able to. And staring in wonder at your ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes, and the cute little way you ball your fists up before you start crying.
It's been killing your grandparents, but I won't let anyone else hold you until she has.
She went through a lot to bring you into this world and she deserves that honor.
And I've been telling you all about her. About how she's been writing in this journal. About how she couldn't wait to meet you.
About how much she loves you.
When your mom and I were young, we'd lie in a hammock and stare up at the stars. We'd talk about how infinitely big the universe is and how small we were in comparison. Your mom once told me that she felt small compared to how big our love felt.
I didn't completely understand what she meant that day, but I certainly do now.
The love I feel for the two of you is almost overwhelming, like the size of the universe.
Your mom has a special charm bracelet and I sent my dad out to buy her a diamond star, so that she'll always know we feel the same way about her.
When she wakes up, we'll give it to her together.
I love you, Chase Michael Mackenzie, and I know your mommy can't wait to meet you.
And, as soon as she finds out you're a boy, she'll probably tell me she told me so.
Sleep well, my precious baby boy.
All my love,
Daddy
Tears stream down my face. Phillip gave me this journal so I could write to the baby, but that isn't really what I did. The journal was written more for me than for him.
I wrote some things that probably weren't appropriate.
I wrote some things that were probably stupid.
I wrote some things that were probably silly.
But this journal represents my real journey. It's not a sugarcoated fluff piece.
And, someday, I'll tell him that nothing in this journal prepared me for the way I feel right now.
Nothing.
No childbirth class.
No books read.
Nothing could have prepared me, because there is nothing in the world that compares to the feeling of holding your baby for the first time.
I smile, realizing I know now exactly when I'll let him read it.
When he's expecting his own baby someday.
Because I'll want him to know that sometimes life doesn't always go the way you planned it.
And sometimes tragedy can strike when you least expect it.
But sometimes it can be even more incredible than you ever imagined.
I grab a pen and start writing.
Dear Chase Michael Mackenzie,
My perfect sweet baby boy.
We're still in the hospital. Your dad is taking a nap and I've got your uncle Danny's football game on, but mostly I'm watching you sleep in my arms. You're making the cutest little faces as you dream and I can't wait until the day you smile at me for real.
I wish my parents were here to see you, but I know for sure that they are watching over us.
There's something I want you to always remember.
You and I could have had a very different outcome. We're both lucky to be alive. I'll be thankful for every single day I get to spend with you.
And something else I know.
You are destined for greatness.
I don't know what you'll do or be, but I know it as surely as I feel my own heartbeat.
And I'm going to do everything I can to prepare you for it.
All my love,
Mommy
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Epilogue
July 4th
I glance out the window as I'm dragging three-year-old Madden out of the bathroom. He's been doing great at potty training, but I have to watch him closely because he's obsessed with water and would flush the toilet all day if we'd let him. Phillip is in the backyard putting the finishing touches on the big play set he's spent the last two weekends building. He built a smaller one when the kids were little but, since they're getting older, he decided they needed something bigger. This one takes up a fourth of the backyard with its rock climbing wall, monkey bars, two slides, a sand box, rope and regular swings, and a crow's nest.
His shirt is off and sweat is rolling down his muscles. I'd like to pull him in the house for a quickie before the older kids get home from getting fireworks, but a quick peek at my watch tells me there's no time.
"Come on, Madden," I say, kissing the top of his head. "Let's go outside and check on Daddy."
"Dad-dy!" he screams and takes off running. There's a reason we stopped after four kids. Madden's been an adorable, energy-filled terror since birth.
As he tears through the kitchen, I stop to turn down the heat on the ribs that have been cooking all day in preparation for the Fourth of July party we're having. Earlier today, the kids decorated and rode their bikes in the annual neighborhood parade and later tonight there will be a big fireworks display over the lake.
"Dad-dy!" Madden screams again, beating his head against the French doors. I move fast, hoping to avoid a tantrum. I scoop him up, open the door, carry him down the stairs, and then let him loose in the backyard. He runs--well, sort of waddles--then trips on the hose and crashes to the ground. I run up behind him to see if he's okay, but he pops up and keeps going. Danny says he's going to be a lineman.
Angel follows us down the steps slowly, her hips stiff with arthritis. I know she won't be with us much longer. Phillip and I have actually started talking about getting a puppy to make it a little easier on the kids when she passes.
"Hey, Crusher," Phillip says, calling Madden by his nickname. "You want to swing?"
"No! I slide!"
Phillip helps him climb up the ladder and lets him go down the twister slide. I run to the bottom to catch him.
"Let
him do it himself," Phillip says. "So he gets the hang of--"
"Wahhhhh!" Madden screeches as he gets to the bottom and face plants into the grass. He stands up, his eyes full of crocodile tears as he runs to me.
"Did you go boom?" I ask him.
Madden giggles when Angel, who's protective of the kids, licks his entire face. Then he yells, "Again!"
"See, he's tough," Phillip says, pulling me into his arms and kissing my neck. "By the way, my wife looks sexy."
"I didn't think I was ever going to get rid of the baby weight from him, but I'm finally back--almost--to normal," I say, looking down at the new bikini I'm wearing.
"You look amazing. Always. And very patriotic."
"You're just horny," I laugh, kissing him again. "I am too, actually. I was watching you work out here with no shirt on. It's too bad we can't still put Madden in a playpen."
"Well, what did you expect, when you're wearing a skimpy little red, white, and blue bikini that reminds me of the one you had in high school?"
I don't get to answer because his mouth covers mine in a deep, sexy kiss.
"Tonight after the kids go to sleep and everyone goes home, you and me have a date in the hot tub," he purrs. "We'll make some fireworks of our own."
"That sounds amazing." I press against him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him again.
"Oh, gross," Chase says, flinging the back gate open, causing Angel to bound across the yard, her tail wagging furiously and making her look young again. Angel loves all of us, but she loves Chase the most. She slept under his crib when he was a baby and has slept in his room pretty much ever since. As Chase bends down and rubs her ears, he says, "Look, Dani, they're kissing."
Devaney Diamond, who Chase--much to Danny and Lori's chagrin--has called Dani since he was old enough to attempt her name and who made it stick, puts her hands on her hips.
"Kissing is for grownups," she says, repeating what Lori must have told her when she caught Dani giving Chase a kiss the other day. Chase came home upset. He may look like me, but his personality is all Phillip. He's smart and thoughtful. When I asked what happened, he told me that Dani kissed him, but that Miss Lori got mad and sent him home. We had one of our most in-depth conversations to date about the birds and the bees.
