by D. A. Roach
I sat straight up in bed in a panic and was searching all around for my friends, the shore, and oar...but all I found was a snoring Molly and the safety of my dorm room. My adrenaline was still surging through me, better than 5 Diet Cokes trying to wake me up. I hurried and got dressed. Maybe my dream was trying to tell me that this is my life and I just have to go along for whatever journey it would take me on. Two weeks left. Then I would probably never see these people again. At best I might hear from Jen and Mags over the summer, but boys sucked at keeping in touch, and Molly and I were at odds now. I shut off my emotions and put up my walls. I was good at that and it protected me emotionally. I needed to make it 2 more weeks here. I bet I could shorten it and get my parents to come down the next weekend to take some of my stuff back. I could tell them I really needed peace and quiet to study for finals and needed to go home for the study session. Then it would be just a week and a half. I didn’t want to leave here and I didn’t want to leave these friends. But I had no say or control over it. All I could do now was protect myself and limit the amount of pain this change would cause me.
Chapter 18
We planned a farewell dinner at one of the nicer Italian restaurants on campus. It was nice having everyone at the table, together for one last time. This year we had been a little more disconnected as a group and seemed to do things as little groups amongst the large group, but tonight we were all here. Jared was sitting next to me; Greg was across from me, Molly on one side of him and Jen on the other. Molly grinning ear to ear. She had annoyed me one last time by going on and on about Jared in our room before we left for the restaurant. I spilt the beans and told her I would not be returning to this school next year. Jared, Greg, all of them were hers now. I was losing them all and she had them to herself. It pissed me off but it was the truth. She was so thrilled upon hearing the news. I couldn’t be sure if she was thrilled I would be gone or that the boys would be all hers. She looked as elated as someone crowned Prom Queen. And here at the restaurant, she was a little Chatty Cathy. I had never heard her say so much in anyone’s company other than my own. I really didn’t understand when things began to change between Molly and me. It must be centered on the guys, she had feelings for one of them and my guess was Jared.
Jared was messing with my foot under the table. He tapped it with the side of his foot, and I pulled my foot away. He didn’t know I was leaving for good yet, but this flirting wasn’t going to lead anywhere. I tried to get in on Jen’s conversation about her summer job but felt Jared stretching his foot in search of mine. I turned and looked him square in the eye. He had a grin on his face. My face, on the other hand, was saying “Would you stop already!”
“What?!” Jared asked in an innocent voice. Was he really going to pretend he wasn’t trying to play footsie with me? Across the table Molly shot daggers at me. I turned back to the menu and pretended to be thoroughly engrossed in the mushroom ravioli description. I felt that foot bump against mine again and I heard a little snicker come from Jared’s direction. Too little too late buddy was all I thought. Maybe I needed to spin this as just friendly play and eliminate all the flirting. I bumped his foot back. He returned with snaking his leg around mine. He was relentless.
Fine. No attention then. I pretended he wasn’t there. He could play with my foot or leg - no bother to me. Maybe he would stop if I ignored him. But dinner continued on with him being in contact with my body for the entire time. If I looked a little too far his direction I would find him looking at me intently. I just didn’t understand this. We had like 4 days left of school and he was flirting like crazy with me. It sucked. For two years I would have done anything for this, and now that I couldn’t have him, he was approaching me. Torture and despair,the story of my life. No chance for happiness. I put my head in my hands. Dinner was wrapping up, I was going to need to tell my friends that I would not be returning to school, but I didn’t want to cry. I was taking calming breaths and waited till the waitress cleared our plates away.
“Hey, you guys, I need to tell you something.” They all stopped their conversations and Molly sat there looking at me with the biggest smile I had ever seen. I wanted to slap her that grin off her face. What I really wanted was for her to not be present. This was a sad moment for me and I didn’t need her celebrating my misery. “My mom called the other day and told me that I’m going to be going to a college in Idaho next year. So these are my final 4 days on campus.”
There was a lot of commotion and various comments were spewing out from “What the hell?” “Holy Shit”, to “Nice joke Perry.” I covered my face and felt the wetness forming in my eyes. I wiped at them quickly. They quickly realized I was speaking the truth. They looked shocked. None of us saw this coming.
“What the hell! You’ve worked your tail off Perry! You deserve to stay!” Jen was pissed. I just nodded at her and appreciated her acknowledging my efforts.
“I’m so sorry, Perry. That sucks and must be so hard to have to do.” Mags was always level headed and sympathetic. Greg threw his napkin down and left the table.
“That’s so shitty. I hate your parents. I haven’t even met them and I hate them. Such bullshit.” Jared was mad and shook his head in frustration.
Others were asking me about how long of a drive it would be to visit me, how long I’ve known, and promised they’d stay in touch. I knew we all had different exam schedules so I told them I needed hugs tonight in case I didn’t get to see them again. Everyone hugged me, except for Greg since he was nowhere to be found. Jared told me he needed me to come to his room when we got back to the dorm. I felt so sad inside, but from this point forward I needed to move forward. I couldn’t change what was happening so I needed to make the best of it.
Back at the dorm I snuck in the guys’ side of the dorm and knocked on Jared and Greg’s door. Jared answered and I expected Greg to be in there too, but he was not. I walked into the room and Jared shut door behind me. “Where the hell did Greg go?” I asked.
He grabbed my arm and turned me toward him. He looked so serious and sad. “I love you Perry.”
How do you respond to that? I had loved this guy for 2 years. He was an amazing friend who totally got me. At one time I had wanted more, but it couldn’t be, we wouldn’t be.
“I love you too,” was what I settled on. It was true; at the least I loved him as a person and a friend. At times I loved him more.
He closed the gap between us in one step and set his hands on my waist. And then he kissed me. The kiss I had wanted for 2 years was happening. I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the love, passion, and care that were communicated in that kiss. Jared was amazing. He was such a genuine and kind soul. I really did love him. We finally broke apart and I was speechless. I had no idea where to go with this. It shouldn’t go forward because it wouldn’t last past these 4 days. We’d lose touch over the summer and in the fall I would be 8 hours away from him. Impossible to keep anything alive between us. I couldn’t even figure out a relationship when I lived in the same town, it couldn’t work being long distance.
He smiled at me, “I had been waiting to do that.” I rolled my eyes and snickered. I didn’t mean to dismiss him, but it felt like such a line.
“What?!” He laughed.
“Nothing. Just, I’m not sure what to do with this now. I mean I’m leaving in 4 days.”
“Yeah, I’m kinda pissed about that. Of course maybe it was what I needed to stop taking so long to kiss you.”
“Thanks. I’m pretty pissed too for what it’s worth. I came so close to making it here and I even had a backup major planned out.”
“Well, why aren’t you pursuing that?”
“I want to, but it’s a done deal already. Besides, how would I qualify for financial aid on my own when my parents already have financial aid taken out on me for the other school? Honestly, they thought I would be so happy when they told me on the phone. Instead, I felt like someone hit me in the gut with a baseball bat. I couldn’t breathe.”
&
nbsp; “Listen, I’m gonna come visit you this summer. You only live three hours away.”
In my mind all I could think was “three hours is a long car ride. I’ll be lucky to see him 2-3 times this summer.” Stupid pessimistic thoughts.
“And I’ll write. It’s gonna be fine.” I smiled but a tear fell from my eye. He grabbed it on his finger. “You’re so beautiful when you cry, but don’t cry. It’s gonna be fine.”
“And then after summer?” My brain would not stop bombarding me with negative thoughts.
“We’ll figure it out,” he said confidently.
“Molly is pretty excited about my departure. I think she has a thing for you.”
“Molly?” He asked surprised. “No thanks. Not interested.”
“Well, she’s excited to have you guys to herself.”
“I don’t know why. She’s not you, when you leave, she will not replace you. No one can replace you.”
That made me smile. Molly was indeed a lot different than me but she had been making efforts to adopt my style and ways lately and I worried she would slip in and try to be me in my absence. I’d rather there just be an absence in place of me.
We hugged and kissed a shorter, sweeter kiss. “Let’s eat dinner every night together this week before you leave, ok?”
“Sure.”
“It’s gonna be fine Perry. I wish I would have figured my feelings out sooner, but I’m gonna make this work,” he kissed my head and escorted me out.
“Goodnight Jared.” I said as I walked toward the girl’s side.
I walked back to my room with such mixed emotions. I was elated Jared said he loved me and kissed me. I was thrilled that he had no interest in Molly. I was depressed that I only had 4 days left and that Jared and I would be over before we begun.
I wondered how different the evening would have gone had I not been leaving at the end of the week. I wondered if Jared would have confessed his feelings for me or if we would have finished our college years playfully flirting but never more than friends.
Chapter 19
“How many finals do you have left?” Jared and I were walking around campus after getting ice cream on our last Tuesday.
“Two. I’ll do my best but I’m not sure it even matters. I’m going to the new school in the fall regardless of what happens on the finals.”
“True.”
“Jared, listen. Please don’t tell anyone about us?” He looked at me like he did not understand the words coming out of my mouth.
“Why not?”
“I just don’t know how everyone will take it. I don’t need to lose any friends right now. Besides, who knows what’s gonna happen with us this summer. You might be bored with writing and visiting me.”
“Ugh, would you stop with that? I told you I would visit and write. I meant it,” he sighed and shook his head. “But yeah, if you want me to keep quiet, I can do that.”
“Thanks,” I said as I squeezed his hand.
“By the way, if they DID find out about us and they quit being your friend, I’d kick their ass.” That made me laugh.
Further out on campus we felt comfortable holding hands and being physically close, but as we neared our dorm we dropped back to a friendly position. When we made it to the dorm I gave him a quick hug and promised to see him at dinner the next night.
I didn’t really see Greg much after the formal dinner that one night. David was on the girls’ side hanging with his girlfriend and I asked what was up with Greg.
“He’s pretty pissed about you leaving school and is trying to cope with it in his own way.”
I loved Greg, he was so much fun to banter with and he cared about me. But he turned off when things got bad and it was so hard to know where his brain was going in those moments. If I saw him, I would try to talk with him, but he was like a ghost on campus these last days.
On the last day I had all my stuff packed and decided to wait outside of the dorm. The weather was warm, there was a gentle breeze, and the sun was shining. I loved this campus. It was beautiful and I would miss it. “I think that’s the last of it.” Jared said as he bounded down the steps carrying one more bag. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to meet my parents but he insisted on it. I was afraid he would chew them out for all the stories he heard about them. Or maybe after meeting them he would become enamored with them and no longer believe any of the stories that I had told about them and I would lose my one ally. It couldn’t be a positive interaction.
He sat next to me on the curb looking out at the large grassy hill where we had studied, sledded, and cooked ourselves in the sun countless times. “Are you and Greg rooming here again next year?” I asked.
“Nah, I think we’ve had enough time together. I’m getting an apartment with a friend from the physics department. I think Greg, David, and Jim are getting an apartment up in this area though.”
“It’s probably for the best. You and Greg have been at each other more this year.”
“Yeah, I need a break.” He said.
I felt a gentle touch on the side of my knee. I looked down and saw him tracing the cut marks on my skin. “What happened?” He looked so concerned and I needed to distract him. I wasn’t ready to talk about that.
“Packing injury.”
“But two side by side. Strange. What gotcha’?”
“I don’t know. Please don’t touch it.” I moved my arms to cover the cuts.
“Sorry. I just….I just wondered what happened. Are you embarrassed about it?”
Shit. “No, I just don’t want to talk about it. It’s such a nice day.”
“Yeah, it’s amazing. I’m gonna miss you Perry. I wish you weren’t going to that other school.”
I nodded. “Me too.”
Just then my parents pulled up. My dad opened the trunk and began loading my stuff in. My mom came out of the car. “Say goodbye to campus. A brand new one awaits you.” She really didn’t get it. Jared put his hand on the center of my back to let me know he was with me. That single touch was so grounding and comforting.
“Mom and Dad, this is my friend Jared.” They approached him with big smiles and handshakes. They were good at wowing others. Good at the facade.
“I guess I’ll see you later.” I said as I looked up at Jared. He had a small smile on his face.
“Yes you will,” and he gave me a quick peck on my lips. I melted. I really loved this guy. He was the one I could see myself marrying. He was the one I could not resist. Was this my last kiss with him? I hoped not, but I really did not know. I got in the car and waved goodbye. He put his hands in his jean pockets and watched us ride away.
My mom’s running commentary filled the car “That David was nice. Though he looked sloppy with those gym shoes and jeans with the ripped knees.”
“His name is Jared mom. Those are Chuck Taylors, and ripped knees are in.”
What on earth would my summer be like? I had 3 months to enjoy before starting a new college as a Junior, which would suck on so many levels, Time to push a few boundaries and do what I wanted for a change.
Chapter 1
Book 3 of J+P series
I ran out to the mailbox. I was still holding out on a letter regarding my Sophomore year. I hoped that I might get a letter stating that I excelled enough in my classes and qualified for advanced studies in life sciences. Then nothing would have to change. Jared and I would have a chance at a relationship.
I opened the door and reached in. There were catalogs, a few bills, and a handwritten envelope addressed to me.
Greg Tonkle
4322 Elm
Indianapolis, IN
Perry Walken
11329 Sacred Eagle
Champaign, IL
I hadn’t heard from Greg since the restaurant; hadn’t said goodbye. I thought I’d never hear from him again. I shoved the envelope into my pocket and sprinted into the house. There was no letter from the school.
In the comfort of the air conditioning, I plopped on the couch and pu
lled out Greg’s letter.
Perry,
So, sorry I kinda vanished on you the last week. Your news sucks and I just needed time to think. BTW, I’m still thinking and I haven’t come to any conclusions other than I don’t want you to go off to Idaho with you and I on bad terms. So, I’m gonna write, and try to visit this summer too. Jim, David, and I are having a summer party at our new apartment the first weekend in July and I want you to come to it.
