Lilly looked at the two biscuits slathered in butter and the glass of milk that sat on the table beside the bed. Her stomach twisted, and the very idea of eating it made her sick—not because she was feeling ill, but because guilt and worry consumed her. She forced herself to begin taking small bites, if only for the well-being of the baby that now grew inside her.
She ran her hand over her mostly-flat stomach. A baby? Inside her? She had been so eager for the day she could tell Jake she was having his baby. Instead, she had to tell him she was having another man’s child.
After the betrayal of his first wife, he would surely throw her out of his house. Where will I go? How will I take care of this baby?
Perhaps the best thing would be for her to give the baby up for adoption. No matter how the child had gotten his or her start in life, she loved it enough to make sure that it had a bright future. A woman in her predicament had no way of providing for a child—not in an honorable way. The child in her belly deserved a warm home, good food, and all the love two parents could provide. She thought, being an officially married woman, that her child would have a much better chance of getting into a good family than if she were unwed.
But the idea of giving up her own child tore at her heart. If only Jake would let her stay. If only she could make him understand that she hadn’t intended to mislead him. But would he believe her?
***
When Jake woke her at supper time, the sun had already begun to descend behind the mountains. He refused to let her come sit at the table to eat, instead bringing a chair into the bedroom so he could eat at her bedside.
As his eyes watched every forkful of food that she lifted to her mouth, she wondered if he would be so solicitous for her health and comfort if he knew what she was hiding. She found it harder and harder to force herself to eat, as the time came closer for her to reveal her secret.
Only his watchful eye prompted her to eat every bite. She didn’t want to appear difficult, and she knew he was just worried about her.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t have time to make anything for dessert,” he said as he took her plate and set it on the dresser along with his own. “We could have had the cookies from the picnic basket, if I’d had the forethought to grab it.”
“I think you had your mind on other things. I’ll just have to go back and get it tomorrow.”
“No you won’t,” Jake insisted. “You’ll be resting tomorrow. And I’ll be here with you.”
“Nonsense. I’m just fine—you heard the doctor, I just needed one day’s rest and regular meals. Besides, tomorrow is Monday—you can’t just take off from work. Not with the Crowley order hanging over your head. Edgar can’t handle that alone, and you’ll get behind if you miss even one day.”
“You’re more important that the Crowley job.” He sat on the edge of the bed and took her hand. “I know Doc said it wasn’t anything to worry about…but I do worry. I’ve never known a woman to do that—just go fainting like that, from not eating. Only if her corset was too tight, or she was…” he let his words drift off, as his eyes lit up.
“Now wait, Jake, there’s something I need to—”
“Did the doc say—could you be—did you ask—?” he stuttered, an expression of awe and hope overtaking his face.
“Jake, stop, please.” She gripped his hands and squeezed, as she looked down. “There’s something I have to tell you, and it’s not…it’s not something you’re likely to be happy about.”
The light faded from his eyes, and she felt the pressure from his hands lighten, though he didn’t let go. “You lost it, didn’t you? I remember what it was like each time Sadie lost a baby. That’s why you were in there so long, wasn’t it? That’s why you need to rest—”
“No, Jake, just listen—”
“I shouldn’t have let you garden. Sadie did that all the time, too, and she lost two babies. I should have known. It’s too much for a woman to handle.” He squeezed her hands again. “I’m so sorry. This is my fault. I’ll do better next time…I…I…I just don’t understand how I didn’t know you were expecting. And how did it happen so soon? You’ve only been here two weeks. That’s awful quick to become with child, and lose it already…” His expression became muddled, and confusion filled his eyes as he looked to her for answers.
In the silence that followed, she clenched her jaw to fight back the tears. “I…I didn’t lose a baby, Jake. But I’m not expecting our child, either.”
“But…I don’t understand…how can you—?”
“I am expecting a child, Jake. But it—” she stopped just in time, realizing the impact her words would have. Dear God, I can’t say that! I can’t tell him it’s not his. How can I say those words to him? She realized, too late, that she was making a mess of everything. His first wife had betrayed him, and now she was about to crush him by telling him that a second wife of his was expecting another man’s child.
For a moment, she saw the happiness begin to light his eyes again, then fade as quickly as it came, as her words sank in. I’m not expecting our child…I am expecting a child, Jake, but it…
“No!” He dropped her hands, as if they were on fire. He stood, knocking the chair backward. “Not again! How could you? How could I be so stupid? I trusted you. I trusted her! Why does every woman betray me?!”
“No, Jake, it’s not like that! I—”
“Isn’t it, though? Isn’t it just like that? Who is it? When did you even have time to meet a man clandestinely, since you’ve arrived?”
“I didn’t—I wouldn’t!”
“Ahh,” he derided, “that’s it—you were with someone before you came out here! On the train? Before you left Massachusetts? Was it before or after you had accepted my proposal?”
“Jake, I swear, I was never with anyone. At least, not—”
“Do you think by now I haven’t figured out how children are conceived? Believe me, I’m very aware, since I don’t seem to be able to give a woman a child that will make it to term! I’m quite sure that laying with a man is part of the process.”
“Please, just listen to me—”
“Why should I listen to your lies?” He ran his hands through his hair, making it stand up wildly. “Every woman lies! I’m such a fool.” He stopped and turned to her, blinking rapidly to hold back the tears that shone in his eyes. “I believed in you. I trusted you. I was beginning to fall in love with you. And you’re carrying another man’s baby!” His lips curled with disgust as he said it.
He loves me? Or was starting to—until now. Tears rolled down Lilly’s cheeks. Her deception may have cost her everything. Things had gone so much worse than she’d hoped. She’d botched it, and didn’t know how to explain herself without setting him off again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. Let me explain, and you’ll understand—”
“No! I will not hear it.”
“Please, you don’t understand!”
“Shut your mouth, I say!”
“Jake, an outrage was committed against me!” she screamed at him in a fury, sitting up rod-straight in the bed.
“Liar!” Jake’s hand reached out, and in a flash, a supper plate was hurled across the room, where it shattered into pieces.
Though he hadn’t thrown the plate anywhere near her, a shard of china ricocheted and cut her cheek. She pulled the covers up, drawing up her knees to instinctively protect her unborn child.
The silence was deafening—the only sound was the heaving of Jake’s breath, and the nearly soundless sobs of Lilly behind the blankets.
With her eyes shut tight, it was easy for Lilly to be pulled back to the dark basement once again, where her innocence, her future, and life as she had known it had been torn away from her. She fought against it, reminding herself she was safe, Jake wouldn’t hurt her, he was just angry—
A hand touched her arms, and she shrieked in fear and surprise.
“Lilly, stop! I won’t hurt you. I won’t touch you, if that’s what you want. I promise.”<
br />
Her eyes flew open and Jake was beside her, holding his hands in the air like an outlaw being held at gunpoint by a sheriff.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have thrown the plate.” He took a step forward, then, seeing how skittish she was, he stepped back again. “What you said—before I threw the plate—what…I don’t even think it registered in my mind…but I thought you said…”
Her eyes slid away, her cheeks burning in humiliation. “I said that…that an outrage was committed against me.”
She heard the sound of air being sucked into his lungs.
“No. It can’t be.”
Lilly looked over to see him shaking his head and backing away.
“How?” He ran his hand over his mouth. “When? Was it on the train? Or someone in Helena?” He approached the bedside again, kneeling on the floor. “If it was, Lilly, I swear, I will see him punished!”
She shook her head. “It wasn’t in Helena. It wasn’t on the train.”
“Was it…was it before you accepted my proposal?”
She nodded, unable to speak.
He stepped forward, and knelt at the side of the bed, bending down to put himself in her line of sight. “Lilly…was it before we corresponded?”
She nodded again, tears dripping off her chin.
He sat back on his heels, his shoulders sagging. “Then you never wanted to marry me. This was all a hoax. You only wanted a father for your bastard child.”
Her eyes flew to his, and she was both hurt and angry. “How can you say that to me? Of course I wanted to marry you. I love you Jake. Already, after knowing you in person only two weeks, I love you.”
A pained expression passed over him. “I don’t see how that could be.” He swallowed, wincing as if his mouth was filled with bitterness. “Did he…you were forced, then?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Did you do anything…anything at all to entice him?” He did not look into her eyes as he asked it.
“Of course not! I told you, he forced an outrage upon me! I am blameless, but for that I trusted this man, whom my family was so very fond of. I trusted their judgment, despite my own misgivings about his character. Only of that am I to blame.”
“That, and of deceiving me.” He pushed himself up and stood, stepping back from the bed.
“I never lied to you, Jake.” But the words lacked the ring of truth, even to her own ears.
“You omitted the truth—a very important, life-changing truth. Isn’t that much the same? My first wife did not lie to me every day for months, and tell me she was being faithful. She merely omitted the fact that she was cavorting with another man. She, too, could say she never lied.”
“She turned her marriage vow into a lie, by being unfaithful,” Lilly snapped. “Will you turn ours into a lie, as well, by forgetting the part about ‘for better or worse’?”
He turned away, his jaw clenched. “I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how I can live with a woman who respects me—and honesty—so little. You knew you were with child before we corresponded. You tricked me into taking on the burden of a wife who was carrying another man’s child—a criminal’s child.”
“That’s not how it was. Don’t you see? I couldn’t have known that far back that I was with child. It would be at least a month before a woman could tell that for sure!”
“But you knew it was possible. You knew that, and you knew no man would have you. And surely you knew before you got on the train. Now, in addition to living with the shame of being divorced, and then remarried, I must suffer the gossip and judgment of the townspeople, who will think I married a harlot. They will never believe that you didn’t plan the whole thing.”
“No! You are misunderstanding—”
“I think I understand quite well. I paid a lot of money for Mrs. Porter to find me a good woman—a pure, honest woman to marry. I acknowledge that the loss of your purity was not your fault—assuming you are telling the truth, also assuming you did nothing to bring it upon yourself—” He held up a hand to stop her attempt to protest. “And if that is the case, what happened to you is inexcusable, and tremendously sad. But I still had a right to know. I had a right to decide if I wanted to marry a woman who might be carrying another man’s child.”
He beat his fist against the table beside the bed. “But you didn’t care about that! You didn’t care about me. You only cared about yourself. You have exposed me to scandal—exposed my business, my income, and what’s left of my reputation—just so you could find a man to take care of you. And you have the audacity to claim you love me?” He shook his head. “You don’t know the meaning of the word.”
He strode to the bedroom door, then stopped, without looking back. “I will let you have the bed tonight. I’ll sleep at the smithy, until I can figure out what to do.”
A moment later, Lilly heard the door slam. Then she laid her head down on the pillow and let the tears come.
Chapter 16
The next morning, the sun was up all too soon, as was Jake’s apprentice, Edgar.
“Mr. Morgan! What are you doing here?”
Jake was embarrassed to have been caught stretched out on a long bench in the smithy, with nothing but a wool blanket and a pillow he’d taken from the parlor settee at home. He had hoped to get up before his apprentice, and pretend that he’d come in to get an early start.
“Never mind that. Get the fire going and get started on the hinge pins for the Crowley gate.” It came out in a growl—far nastier than Jake had meant.
“Y-yes, sir.” Edgar scurried off to get the iron furnace started.
With a groan, Jake sat up. He’d spent a very long and restless night on the hard plank bench, unable to get comfortable and unable to forget what he had learned about his wife. The morning before, he had headed off to church services with a smile on his face, eager to spend the day with his charming bride. By Monday’s dawn he was sore, miserable, and exhausted, and married to a liar who carried the seed of another man—a violent man.
Have you no compassion? Maybe she did make a mistake—maybe she was selfish. But hasn’t she been through enough?
He made a noise that was closer to a grunt than a laugh. Good to know his conscience was alert and ready to face the day. The last thing he needed was to add guilt to the avalanche of emotions that had overtaken him during the night. He got up and folded the blanket.
She’s barely more than a child. She was looking for help—even if she went about it the wrong way. The real culprit here is Madeline Porter, who made a bundle off you, purporting to put the girls through an “interview process”.
“Ha!” he exclaimed out loud—then bit his lip.
“What was that?” Edgar asked.
“Uh…nothing. Just get that furnace going.”
Interview, my left foot. The greedy woman scooped up the money and sent me a bride with no moral backbone when it comes to the truth!
Jake went to get his leather apron, began tying it on, then tossed it down angrily and strode toward the door. “Edgar, I have some business to attend to. You get those coals hot, and get started on the hinge pins as soon as you can.”
***
Madeline had just finished feeding Grace and sat her on the floor with a blanket in the butcher shop. It was ten minutes before opening time, but she figured she’d turn the sign in the window from “closed” to “open” so she wouldn’t have to get up again. Her feet felt like sausages, crammed into her leather slippers. I swear I’m bigger than I was at this stage, with Grace.
“Only a few more months.” Clay smiled at her, before going into the back room to get started on packing sausage casings.
“How do you read my mind like that?” She called back, laughing. She didn’t get a response, so she unlocked the front door and flipped the sign.
An angry face appeared above the sign, causing Madeline to jump. “Oh! Mr. Morgan!” She opened the door for him. “Come in. What brings you over so early this fine day? I haven’t s
een you much since—”
“Enough with the niceties, Mrs. Porter. You’ve got a whole heap of explaining to do.” He stood in the open doorway, holding the door open but not coming inside.
“I—I don’t understand…”
“My wife is with child.”
Madeline raised an eyebrow. “Usually the men I fix up with wives are happy about that.”
“Another man’s child.”
Madeline gasped in shock. “Oh my.” She glanced out at the street, and saw that a few passersby were already walking along Main Street, taking advantage of the cool morning shadows. “Please, come in. This isn’t something to discuss in the street.”
“I’m sure you’d like that—to protect your business reputation. Mine, however, will be in shreds in just a few weeks, when it becomes obvious to one and all that the wife I’ve been married to for only a month, is far more than a month along, with child!”
“Please, Mr. Morgan, come inside!” she hissed. “If not for me, then for your own sake.”
He stepped inside grudgingly, allowing her to lock the door and flip the sign back to “closed”.
“Are you sure that she’s…that it’s not a mistake?”
“Darn straight, I’m sure! She’s three months along—she admitted it to me, herself! She fainted yesterday. Doc said it was just fatigue and not enough food—and I’m going to have a word with him later, for lying to me—but after supper last night, Lilly told me the full truth. For once.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Morgan! I had no idea.”
“The hell you didn’t!”
“Mr. Morgan, there’s no need for swearing—”
“Sure…says the woman who charged me an arm and a leg, to fix me up with a liar who is looking for a poor sap to foot the bill for her illegitimate child!”
“I assure you, I truly had no idea. Mrs. Gardner never mentioned anything like this. Lilly must have kept it from her.”
“What good is your so-called ‘interview process’ if the girl just lies, or leaves things out?”
“I can understand that you’re upset—”
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