“Apparently my mother had an affair. Bill’s my father.” Chai still hadn’t said a word; he kept staring at us dumbfounded.
“Well, I’m happy. I was beginning to think you two were…you know.” Arianna rolled her eyes to demonstrate whatever she thought we were doing.
“She’s my sister,” Erich interrupted disgustedly.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Chai asked, finally coming out of his stupor.
“I only found out yesterday and it’s not like we’re speaking to each other,” I answered and Chai’s shoulders slumped. He looked tired and for once he wasn’t wearing a mask.
“I know what this means for you. I’m happy for you.” He picked up his towel and stalked stiffly from the room.
“What’s going on with him?” I asked Gaios. “Why is he acting like this?”
“Don’t judge him too harshly. Not everything is as it seems,” Gaios answered.
I strolled down the corridor to the mess hall. I was meeting Erich for breakfast. I felt lighter and freer than ever before. I wasn’t alone anymore. I never realized how lonely I was in Palasium.
A man and a woman rushed by my and shoved me out of the way. I could hear agitated voices around the corner. Something was wrong and I stopped a girl with wide panicked eyes in the corridor, running past me.
“What’s going on?” I asked, scanning her terrified face.
“The patrol was ambushed! Everyone’s dead,” she gasped between tears and pushed past me. Dread filled me. What if…I couldn’t even dare to think of something so terrible. There were a lot of people I cared about on this ship and I didn’t want to lose anyone of them. I rushed to Bill’s office. He was the one person who could tell me who was out on patrol this morning and I said a little prayer that everyone I knew was safe.
The door to his office was open and from the passage I could hear a heated discussion going on. Relieve flooded me as my eyes quickly scanned the room and I saw Chai, Arianna and Gaios standing in the corner. They were safe! Gaios had an arm around Arianna’s shoulder and tears ran down her cheeks. She knew the rebels that were killed – she was the one that trained them and now they were dead. Erich was next to his father and he looked unusually grim. Bill’s face was flushed as he faced off with a dark haired woman. I remembered seeing her before. Mrs. Richards if I remembered correctly, she’s been one of the people who openly didn’t hide their hostility towards me since I arrived.
“I’m telling you she had nothing to do with this,” Bill said heatedly and slammed the palm of his hand on the desk.
“We have an informant on the base. You can’t argue with the fact that the soldiers knew exactly where to strike. You can’t keep protecting her.” She saw me standing in the door and pure hatred filled her eyes. “She’s Miller’s daughter! She’s working with him.” She pointed an accusing finger at me.
I shook my head in shock. My feet were glued to the floor. She accused me of betraying the people on this ship. She thought I was to blame for those people dying. I would never betray any of them. Every eye in the room turned to me.
“You can’t be serious!” Erich slammed the tip of his boot enraged into a steel cabinet next to him. I was aware that Chai moved toward me as if he wanted to shield me from the anger in the room, but I pushed past him. I was not hiding, not while they accused me of something I didn’t do.
“Let her take the test. If she has nothing to hide, she won’t object,” Mrs. Richards said undeterred by Erich’s anger.
“What test?” I asked and my voice trembled.
“The test of Targon,” Bill answered. “It’s a mind meld that the Epsilon can do.” I remembered Chai mentioning it to me. They used it to access memories. He also said it was invasive and painful.
“It’s not an option,” Chai said, his face stony cold. He looked menacingly at Mrs. Richards and for the first time she looked scared. He could be terrifying if he wanted to be and not even she was brave enough to go against him.
My gaze flicked across the people in the room – my family and friends and the boy I loved. What if they also thought I was to blame? I lifted my chin and stepped forward.
“Can I say something?” Silence descended on the room, so sudden and potent that I wanted to choke. I ignored the warning look Chai gave me. I wasn’t going to let this base be torn apart because of me.
I held Mrs. Richards gaze as I talked. “I’m not working with Robert Miller. I’m not like him and I will never be like him.” My gaze shifted to Bill. “I have nothing to hide and I will take the test.” Pride filled his eyes as he looked at me.
“No, you won’t!” Chai snapped. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”
I ignored Chai and turned to Arianna. “Will you do it?” She shifted uncomfortably and her eyes kept darting between me and Chai’s angry face.
“You know I will do a lot of things you ask me…but this?” She pressed her lips together.
“Lexie is my daughter and she doesn’t have to do anything,” Bill interrupted and Mrs. Richards gaped at him. “I’m her biological father and I won’t have her treated like a criminal. Not while I’m in charge.” She was quiet for a couple of seconds, mulling over the news. My heart swelled until I thought it would burst. It was the first time I had a father that stood up for me and tried to protect me.
“That doesn’t change a thing. She was still raised by Minister Miller. Who knows what he filled her head with?”
“He didn’t raise me. My mother did. He only provided a roof over my head,” I spoke coldly to Mrs. Richards. “I want to take the test. I’m sick and tired of people looking at me like I’m a traitor, always treating me like I’m different. If I don’t take the test everybody will think I’m the informer and the real traitor will get away with it. I need to do this.”
“I will do it,” Gaios offered and my heart swelled a bit more. He was always there when I needed him.
“No,” Chai interceded. “If it has to be done, I’ll do it myself.” A muscle popped in his jaw and I was sure he wanted to strangle me with his bare hands.
Chapter 13
I sat on a chair in the middle of the floor of the infirmary. Bill had made the arrangements with Sylvain in a record time. In less than twenty minutes we were all gathered in the infirmary to perform the test. Mrs. Richards were one of the first to arrive. Bill was the leader of this facility, but she was the head of a council representing the rebels on the base. A few other council members had joined her, but not all was happy about the proceedings. Apparently Chai had done the procedure before on soldiers of the Guard they had captured and they knew how painful it was. They also knew by now that I was Bill’s biological daughter and they didn’t like going against his will. He was still their leader and a lot of them owed him their lives.
Eric sat on a chair beside me. In the past twenty minutes he had protested very loudly against me doing this and had finally given up and now sat sulking next to me.
“You just say the word and I’ll get you out of this,” he said determinedly. I impulsively hugged him.
“I’m sorry for telling them I’m your father,” Bill said and gave my arm a squeeze. “I know you wanted to keep it quiet.”
“I’m glad you did. I’m proud to say you’re my father. I’m not hiding it anymore.” It was the truth. I was lucky to have a man as honest and strong as him as my father. Bill’s eyes misted over and he rubbed a hand over his face.
Sylvain connected the electrodes of a heart monitor to my chest. She was just as pretty as the last time I saw her and I noticed the glances she and Bill exchanged. Something was definitely up between the two of them. It made me glad – he needed someone in his life as compassionate as she was. Nobody should be alone in this world.
Two big screens were rolled into the room and I eyed them suspiciously.
“They will be connected to the microchip in my head. Everyone will be able to see the memories that I access,” Chai explained. He hadn’t left my side since we left Bill�
�s office. I shifted uncomfortably on the chair. I didn’t know everybody else would get to see my private memories.
“You will see all of it?” I asked warily.
“Yes. But they will only see what I show them. I’ll have full access to all your memories and the feelings associated with them, but I’ll be in control. I will show them only the memories I feel is necessary for them to see.”
Sylvain placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I do not agree with this and the moment I feel you cannot handle it, I’ll stop the procedure.”
“You’ll know what I felt?” My voice cracked and I clung to the chair as if I was drowning.
Chai nodded. A wave of nausea hit me. He would be able to know exactly what I felt at that moment of the memory. He would sense how I felt when he kissed me and held me in his arms. He would know how it hurt to see him and Emily together; how jealous I was. He would know how my heart fluttered every time I saw him. He would know I was in love with him. I felt like running, but it was too late now to back out.
Chai took a seat on the chair opposite of mine. Sylvain took a scalpel and made a small incision in his neck and he winced. She wiped away the blood and attached the thin electrodes to the microchip in his head and connected it to a laptop on a table. Immediately the screen came to life and letters in a strange language whirred across the screen. The computer beeped.
“It’s ready,” Chai said. “It’s not too late to back out.” My hands trembled.
“Do it,” I whispered. I was terrified, but if I backed out now, Mrs. Richards will take it as an admonishment of guilt.
Chai shifted his chair closer to mine so that his thighs flanked my legs. I swallowed hard. I was nervous with him being so close to me. He placed the palms of his hands on both sides of my face. My eyes traced the curve of his lips.
“Don’t fight me when I’m in your head. The more you fight the more painful it will be.” I closed my eyes and waited. “You are so brave,” I heard him whisper.
At first I felt nothing and then a coldness spread through me and a faint throbbing started inside my head. The throbbing intensified into a slicing pain. Pressure built in my head until it was unbearable. It was as if my brain was too large for my skull and would explode at any second. A scream tore from my lips and I tried to pull my head away from his hands. Chai readjusted his hands on my face.
I’m sorry, little one. His voice was inside my head, but it was not only his voice. I could feel him inside my head. All of him. There wasn’t enough room for both of us. I could feel him tear through my brain and I wanted to fight him, to push him out of my head. The billowing smoke emerged inside me and I was aware of the effort it cost Chai to release it into me while also trying to access my memories. It drifted through my body, touching me, caressing me, healing me and the pain lessened.
White daisies stood proudly in the rich brown soil. Mom was on her knees in the grass pulling at weeds in the flower bed. She hummed and turned to me smiling. She was so close to me I could touch her. I wanted to yell at her, to touch her but in an instant she was gone and another memory took her place. I tried to claw my way back to her, but the memory was gone.
Chai sifted through my memories, accessing the ones of Robert in my head - painful memories of him losing his temper, yelling at me, shoving me, hitting me...I listened to him telling me what a worthless, pathetic creature I was. I felt him push me down the stairs, breaking my arm when he found out I stole blankets to give to the slaves. I relived every terrifying moment he slapped me and pushed me around the past five years. I felt my own fear choking me from inside. It was memories I had done my best to forget. I was helpless, incapable of escaping them.
Chai moved on to more recent memories. I felt the moment Benson slammed the butt of his rifle into my head. I had to relive the hours I was chained to the lamp post on the square, feeling the pain ebbing in my body, listening to the vile remarks the soldiers made as they laughed at me and how humiliated I felt. The memories were so real; it was as if I was there all over again.
There were other memories too. Memories of Chai, but he moved them to the side and I knew he didn’t want anyone to see them, but I sensed him looking at them and he could feel every emotion inside me. He could sense how I felt when he touched me or when I looked at him. He could feel the love I carried inside me for him. He could feel the hurt inside me when he told me I threw myself at him and he felt sorry for me. It was even worse than reliving every hateful moment with Robert.
Finally he lifted his hands from my face and I felt him leaving my body, taking the smoke with him and leaving me empty. I trembled all over. I slowly opened my eyes. Chai looked at me with pain and guilt and some emotion I didn’t understand. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I felt drained. I rubbed my face with the palms of my hands. This was worse than anything I had to do in my life before. The room was deadly quiet. I didn’t want to face anyone of them, but I had no choice. I sluggishly stood pushing the chair back. I swayed on my feet and grabbed for the back of the chair to steady myself.
“Don’t get up,” Chai said and reached for me but I ignored his outstretched hand and turned to Mrs. Richards. Her face was contorted with shock and shame.
“I hope you’re satisfied now,” I said with a trembling voice. “Never accuse me of being a traitor again.”
I walked to the door with my head held high. I wanted to run, but I forced myself to keep it together. I was angry and embarrassed I had to go through this to prove my innocence and that everyone could see what Robert did to me. I had never admitted to anyone how bad it really was. They now knew how weak and pathetic I was and I hated it. I glanced at Bill and saw he was wiping away tears. Sylvain was openly sobbing at his side.
“Lexie, I’m sorry,” Bill mumbled. “I didn’t know.” I looked at their faces and it felt as if the room was moving in on me. I had to get out of there. Chai intercepted me at the door and grabbed my arm. I jerked away.
“Lexie wait! Don’t go.” His voice was full of concern.
“Get out of my way!” I snapped, directing all my anger and shame at him.
“You must rest,” he replied softly and I felt annoyed.
“Why do you pretend to care?” My voice broke and a sob racked my body. I felt even angrier that I was crying. “Why don’t you just leave me alone? Isn’t it enough for you to see everything inside my head?”
I turned and I ran. Chai moved with lightning speed and appeared in front of me.
“Stop running from me.”
I shoved him as hard as I could. “Do you want me to admit that I care for you? Will that make you happy?” It was as if I shoved a brick wall and he didn’t move an inch.
“You have every right to be angry at me,” he said quietly.
“Angry? I’m …I’m...You saw everything. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?” Tears kept streaming down my face.
Chai reached for me and the next moment I was slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
“Put me down,” I yelled at him, but he stalked off with me. I screamed and kicked, but he didn’t let go of me. In the gym he dropped me on the training mat.
“I hurt you over and over,” he said and spread his legs. “Hit me. Do anything you want. I deserve it. Get the anger out of your system. I won’t stop you.” I looked at him as if he went insane. He wanted me to hit him.
“I’m leaving,” I declared and headed for the door.
“You are running again,” he said and I stopped in my tracks.
“What do you want from me?”
“I want you to listen.” He moved in front of me. “You think I enjoyed watching your memories? Do you think I don’t want to go to Palasium and tear those Guards heads of their worthless bodies? The things they said to you…I want to kill Robert Miller with my bare hands.” He took a step forward and touched my face. “And I hate myself for what I did to you. I am the biggest jerk in the universe. I’ve hurt you so much. I don’t deserv
e you. You are brave and unselfish. I’ve never met anyone like you – you have the biggest heart in that small body of yours. I swear you can fit the whole world into it.”
I sunk to the floor and covered my face with my hands.
“I can’t do this,” I sobbed. “You can’t talk like that and the next moment you treat me as if I’m nothing.”
“I know.” He sat down on the floor next to me. “I care about you and this stops now.”
“I don’t understand,” I whispered and bit my lower lip.
“Emily…it’s complicated. I know you don’t understand and I promise I’ll explain it to you. Soon, I promise. I need time to wrap things up.”
“Why can’t you tell me now?
“I know it’s a lot I ask of you, but trust me. As soon as this is over I’ll tell you everything.” He cradled my face in his hands.
“I can’t.” I couldn’t look into his eyes. “I can’t let you keep hurting me. I can’t do this anymore.” I pulled away from him and stood. “If you care about me, you’ll leave me alone.”
This time he didn’t stop me as I left.
Chapter 14
Chai didn’t speak to me after that. I couldn’t sleep, eat or train and not even Erich could cheer me up. It felt as if something had died inside of me. I was like the walking dead. I carried this constant hurt inside of me. It was like the pain when Mom died, but this was worse, because Chai was still alive and I saw him every day.
People’s attitude changed toward me. Word spread about the test and Mrs. Richards even came and apologized to me. They didn’t regard me suspiciously anymore, but I couldn’t care anymore. Only Emily remained as obnoxious as ever and didn’t let a moment go by without making a sarcastic remark about my childhood. Until yesterday when Arianna finally had enough and pushed her against a wall and threatened to rip her intestines out. I thought Gaios would stop her, but he folded his arms and gave Emily a frosty look. It should’ve made me feel better, but it didn’t. It only hurt more. I couldn’t believe we were once friends. One thing did change – I didn’t see Emily anymore with Chai. I didn’t know what happened between them, but he avoided her almost as much as I did and she wasn’t happy about it.
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