He wanted to touch her face, but was unsure of her reaction. He didn’t want to be rejected again. “That’s why I’m here. I believe you. I believe that Gabriel lied to you and that led to Lucifer and Hades lying you. I can tell that you have suffered. Because I lost my faith, you were left alone to deal with all of this. I was supposed to be there for you. Instead, I selfishly thought only about my needs and myself. It didn’t occur to me that you would need my help. I screwed up and we have both borne the pain of my mistake. I wasn’t supposed to leave you unprotected. It just took an epiphany of sorts to remind me of that. I’m sorry that I wasn’t in Hell waiting for you.”
Anjali pondered his apology. She heard the sincerity in Alazar’s voice. She knew something had shaken him and put the fear of God into him. “What changed? Last time I saw you, you ordered my friend to jump to his death.”
Damn it, he was afraid she would bring up Pedro’s swan dive. Alazar grimaced and fidgeted with his tie. “Yeah, about the kid, I didn’t know you were friends with him until after you showed up. I thought his mortal friends were coming to look for him, which was why I hid. I was planning to tempt them as well, which is still my job,” he replied defensively. “When you appeared, I thought it was because you had felt my power, like you had in the alley, not because you were trying to protect him. I admit that I used the kid as a pawn, which was wrong, but I knew he was a jumper. I thought I could distract you with him so I could get away,” he tensed up, waiting for her wrath.
“So it wasn’t personal?” she asked warily. It was strange to see him nervous and tongue-tied.
Alazar sighed and walked over to the dresser. He adjusted the lamp so that he didn’t have to look at her. “No, it wasn’t personal at first, until I needed an exit strategy. In my defense, I was upset that you had denied me, though I realize now that I deserved your wrath. I was a total prick. I should have never pushed you to harm yourself. It was stupid and arrogant of me to think that I had the right to control you.”
Anjali was amazed that he was taking responsibility for all that had happened, though she knew it wasn’t entirely his fault. “I should have explained my reasons for rejecting you, but at the time I didn’t fully understand them. We were both at fault. We were both overwhelmed by our emotions. The Destroyer part of me didn’t like that her angel was trying to make her submit and she lashed out at you. I’m sorry,” she should have seen Alazar’s attack for what it was, a cry for help.
Alazar looked at her over his shoulder. He was relieved that she was willing to talk about what had happened, rather than choosing to redecorate the room with another catastrophic storm. “You should know that I overheard what you said to your friend when you tried to stop him from jumping. I heard the pain in your voice,” Alazar said sheepishly. “To be honest, I had no idea that you could break the kid from my hold. I didn’t think the Destroyer could save people from death,” he had truly underestimated her.
“I didn’t know I could either, but I had to try. He shouldn’t die because you’re angry with me,” Anjali scolded him, but softened her voice at the end. She didn’t want to fight either. “Is that why you had a change of heart? You finally started to believe me when I talked about the horrors of being a suicider in Hell.”
“Yes, that and a blinding, spine cracking vision that showed me what would’ve happened if I had succeeded in making you my servant,” he said matter-of-factly, not needing to see a repeat of her ‘rip the roof off the building’ trick. He sat down on the bed, afraid to look at her.
Anjali quickly went to Alazar and put her hand on his face. She slowly pulled his chin up to see his eyes. “You had a vision? What did you see?” she asked quietly. Fear crawled through her chest. Visions were a serious thing in their world and not something to be ignored.
Alazar shivered when he felt her smooth hand on his skin. She was warm and made his emotions come to life. He was ashamed of the pain he’d caused her, especially with her looking at him with concern. “You don’t want to know. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was the most terrifying thing I have ever seen,” he took her hand in his, and held it. “Heaven was torn apart by your power and the Heavenly Angels died at your feet, all because I was controlling you,” Alazar said softly.
She felt numb inside. She could destroy Heaven if under the influence of evil. Gabriel had alluded to such a thing, but she didn’t know that the Predznak were capable of commanding her power if she gave into them. No wonder the Council wanted her to get control of them quickly.
“That explains why my urge to punish you was so powerful. I couldn’t believe how much I wanted to kick your ass,” she replied. She felt a little better knowing the true reason for her violent impulses, though she was still shaking from the thought that Alazar had almost taken control of her mind.
“Yeah, I’m lucky that my intention wasn’t to use your power to attack Heaven, I was just trying to avoid having a Master. I wasn’t thinking clearly. In fact, I’ve been really screwed up for a long time,” Alazar ran his hand through his hair. He needed to figure out how to make things work between them.
Anjali knelt in front of him and held his hand. “You don’t want to destroy Heaven, do you?” Depending on his answer, the world would have one less Angel of Death.
“No, of course not! I haven’t gone rogue. I may not be the shining example of a Predznak, but I’m not about to destroy Heaven,” Alazar pulled away from her and jumped off the bed. He paced around the small room.
He was slightly offended that she would ask him that, but given his erratic behavior recently, she was well within her right to know the answer.
He rolled his eyes and stepped closer to her as she stood up. “Look, I’m not explaining this right. You didn’t know me before. I wasn’t always like this. I didn’t always hate you. There was a time when I wanted you to come for us. I looked forward to being your Angel of Death, to fulfilling my destiny. We all used to talk about you and imagine what you would be like, and how it would feel to be possessed by your power. There was a time when I craved you. Over time, that feeling turned into desperation and anger. When you didn’t come, I started to believe that you didn’t want us. I feared that the Council was biding their time until they could replace us or kill us. You were right. I lost my way. We all did. Slowly my hope eroded until there was nothing but hatred left. I wasn’t strong enough to hold out. I know that now, but so much has happened. I’ve changed. I don’t know if I can be what you need,” Alazar hefted out a breath. His secret was finally revealed. His faith had been completely destroyed, and he didn’t think he could get it back again. He was afraid to look her in the eyes. She could very well condemn him to death for failing her and failing in his duties.
Hearing the anguish in his voice, she knew he was fighting himself, not her. If she were going to secure his loyalty, she needed to know how pure Alazar’s motives had been when he volunteered to become Death. If he did it for the wrong reasons, then she wasn’t sure she could find a way to reconcile things with him.
“You said that so much has changed. Tell me why you became Death in the first place. What would make you want to volunteer for this kind of existence? Like you said, I didn’t know you before, so tell me why you wanted to become a Predznak,” Anjali watched his face fall as he closed his eyes.
Alazar snickered. He had been asking himself that question since the day he’d made his vow to Father. He rubbed his hand against his jaw and then bit his thumbnail. He didn’t want to talk about the past, but he had come here to repent, so that meant answering her questions.
“I was the Angel of Determination and I loved my job. I convinced those who were close to failing in their task to stay focused, dig in harder, and never give up. It didn’t matter why they wanted to give up or what they were trying to walk away from, I was able to invigorate them and convince them to find their inner spirit and achieve their goal or mission. I tirelessly worked with them. I never gave up on anyone. I never quit,” the irony wasn’t lost on him,
but he couldn’t tell his Master that. “Believe it or not, I was once one of Michael’s favorites. That’s not to say we were best friends, but I was his go to guy when the Celestial Warriors needed to get off their asses and fight as hard as they could. Michael was victorious, in part, because of me,” he chuckled when he thought about how he had stupidly looked up to Michael all those years ago.
“What made you give up doing what you loved?” Anjali closed the gap between them until she was right practically touching him. She looked up at him and smiled at him encouragingly. She was grateful to finally have a glimpse into his mind.
Her smile gave him the strength to remember that fateful day when he chose his doomed destiny. “Father called for volunteers to become Harbingers for His new Bringer of the Apocalypse. He said that He needed ten resilient angels that could withstand adversity and overcome enormous obstacles. He said it would be the hardest thing any of us had ever done. I laughed at the idea at first. I didn’t care much about the mortals. They had given up on Father. I couldn’t comprehend how they could do such a thing, but Father still loved them,” he sighed.
He looked down at Anjali. He had walked away from the only life he’d ever known to be with this woman, a woman whom he’d never met and now that she was standing in front of him, he didn’t know if he could do what Father wanted. What the hell was wrong with him? His old self would have yelled at him and convinced him not to fail. He missed being Determination. It was so much easier.
She nodded for him to continue.
“Death was the last position to be named. The Angel of Fear position was skipped because no one wanted it, not that I blame them. Wielding fear is one thing, but succumbing to it is pure hell. No one wants to be afraid. Anyway, someone stepped forward to become Death, but Father wouldn’t allow it. He didn’t think the Angel of Cautiousness would make for a good Angel of Death. Others stepped forward, but they too were denied. The more Father explained what kind of angel He needed, the more I knew the position was meant for me, even if I didn’t care about the mortals. You see, I had started to realize that all my work with the warriors had led to murder. It doesn’t matter who the warriors were fighting or why, the bottom line was, they were killing the enemies of Heaven because of me. I had become the Angel of Death in my own way. If I could push someone who was thoroughly defeated both physically and mentally to rise up and fight their enemy until they were destroyed, then what difference was it to take a life myself? I was already tempting angels to kill, just in a more socially acceptable way. Father was pleased when I stepped forward, which only confirmed my theory. He believed that I was right for the job,” Alazar had never admitted his reasons for volunteering to anyone before, but he felt that he owed her the truth.
Anjali shook her head and gently put her hand on his arm. “Alazar, you weren’t a murderer and you weren’t tempting anyone. Tempting implies that you wanted them to choose the wrong path. You weren’t tempting the warriors to kill, that was already their job. You were helping them do what was already required of them. There is a big difference between tempting someone to kill and pulling the trigger yourself. Determination is a state of mind. The person tells himself that he won’t give up no matter what, but that doesn’t mean he will succeed. You gave them the drive and the will power to continue to fight, but the warrior’s skill, strength, speed, agility, and stamina were the forces that made their enemies fall, not the feelings that you evoked in them. Don’t you see? You didn’t tempt them to stray from their set path. The warriors did their jobs because you gave them the encouragement they needed to keep fighting. Just because they credited you with their win doesn’t make you a killer. You weren’t the sword; you were the strength in their hearts and the resolve of their minds,” she searched his eyes to see if he understood what she was trying to say.
Listening to Anjali made him question his role in Heaven. Perhaps he was arrogant to believe that he was the sole reason for everyone’s success. She had a point about the warrior’s abilities helping or hindering them, yet they had sung his praises when they returned victorious in battle. He had been an outcast, except when someone needed his talents. They rarely interacted with him otherwise. Maybe he had based his sense of self-worth on the praises of the warriors because he hadn’t felt valued by anyone else.
Alazar shook himself from his thoughts and stepped back. Regardless of what Anjali said, he knew the truth. He was responsible for countless deaths, regardless of who dealt the deathblow. “Well, as it turns out, encouraging warriors to kill and tempting mortals to murder wasn’t so different. I had the same high rate of return. It seems that I indeed made a good Angel of Death, or I did at one time.”
“What about the suicides?” Anjali asked quietly. Convincing someone to kill another for justifiable reasons might have been easy for him, but convincing someone to turn on themselves for selfish reasons would have been a foreign concept to him. Suiciders gave up on their life, God, and the world.
Alazar took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead. “That was harder than expected,” he had nearly vomited the first time he’d watched someone take their own life because of his temptation. He had hid in the woods for a whole week crying because he’d convinced someone to commit suicide. Elrick had to force him to keep going and do what was needed of him.
She could hear the regret in his voice. “And you had to do it alone, without someone there to guide you and comfort you. I can understand why the sins of the mortals took their toll on you. All that self-doubt and self-hatred would cause anyone to lose their way.”
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew the weight of the mortal’s sins created a heavy burden for him, but had he allowed their reasons for suicide to affect him as well? He had always thought it was the feelings associated with killing that ate away at his soul. He had never considered that the self-loathing associated with suicide had also whittled away his resolve.
“It wasn’t easy,” Alazar sighed. He stepped away from Anjali and moved around the bed to look out the window. He didn’t want to admit that she knew him better than he knew himself. It didn’t change the fact that she hadn’t been there to help him. Why couldn’t she have been there centuries ago to tell him all these wonderful new revelations about himself?
It pained her to see her angel like this. She knew that he was isolated from the world and his brothers. He bore his burdens alone and it broke her heart. Sadly, she had to know all that he had endured while she was frolicking in the Mortal Realm. Her angel was broken, and depending on how damaged he was, she might not be able to heal him.
“You were never meant to do this by yourself and should have never been forced to tempt the mortals or bear the horrors of Hell without me. I know some of the atrocities you suffered, but not all of them. Lucifer said that the Predznak were destructive in the beginning. I can understand why you acted out. None of you wanted to be there and your Master didn’t show up, as promised. I know Lucifer tried to contain you, wear you down, and then punish you in the realms to keep you from killing everyone. What I don’t know is what Serena did to you. I get the impression that she did more than chain you to the Hall of Mirrors to let you rot. How else did she torture you?” she held her breath, even though she knew the answer.
Every muscle in Alazar’s body tightened at the thought of Serena’s version of torture. “I don’t want to talk about her,” Alazar refused to look at Anjali. It was too painful a memory to dredge up.
“Please. I need to hear it. Dealing with the realms, Lucifer’s beatings, and Hades’ tricks are bad enough, but something tells me that she did much worse to you. I nearly lost my head because you mistook me for her when you saw her dress. What did she do to you?” she shirked off her coat and laid it on the bed. She walked up behind him and placed her head against his shoulder.
Her warmth permeated the layers of his suit until he could feel it down to his bones. He could feel how tense her body was. He slowly turned to see her. She looked up at him with compas
sion in her eyes, yet he saw something else deep down. He saw rage. He knew what true anger looked like having spent an eternity with Aeries. Aeries had nothing on what lurked behind Anjali’s eyes.
“She hurt me, mentally, physically, sexually, you name it. She used her body as a weapon and treated most of us like sex slaves. There were so many times that I almost killed her,” Alazar ground his teeth.
“Why didn’t you?” Anjali whispered. It took everything she had not to lose control of her anger and unleash her power.
He was surprised by the question. More so, he was surprised by the catch in her voice that implied she was more than just angry, she was saddened by his treatment.
“Lucifer swore that if any of us laid a hand on Serena, he would inform the Council that we had gone rogue and set the Celestial Warriors on a hunt for us. Believe me, there were plenty of times when I thought it would be worth it to die by Michael’s sword just to free of that repugnant angel. Sadly, no matter what she did to me, I couldn’t bear the responsibility for the warriors killing the other Predznak,” Alazar hung his head.
Every day he had planned Serena’s demise, but he couldn’t put his brothers in danger. Looking at Anjali and feeling her body so close to him, he couldn’t help but confide in her. “It’s childish, but I had fantasies of you walking in on Serena during one of our sessions. I imagined you grabbing her by the hair and smashing her into every hard surface in the room. You were beautiful and powerful. Lucifer wouldn’t have dared to question you. You would have peeled the flesh from her body while she screamed for mercy,” Alazar’s power rose when he thought about his Master punishing Serena, especially now that he knew the details of her face and the ferocity of her power.
The Third Throne: Angel of Death Page 29
