by Nana Malone
Everything about Nathan said he had no intention of letting go. But then something in his eyes shuttered and he stepped back. “Well, I guess you guys go have fun.”
When she closed the door, she sagged against it, closing her eyes for a moment. When was this feeling going to go away? When was she going to start to feel better?
“Are you honestly shagging that guy?”
Sophie turned on Adam. “Look, it’s complicated. We were friends. Now we’re not, as you can see.”
He grinned. “It’s fine. It’s his loss, my gain.”
“Well, let’s go have that drink and then we’ll see.”
He sighed. “So, you were into him then?”
How was she supposed to answer that? Honestly. “It’s a long story. It didn’t end well, but I’m not interested in shagging him anymore.” What happened to the truth? You were doing so well with it. “I’m not trying to have anything complicated. I just want to be free as a bird and see where the waters take me. Besides, it’s not that simple. As of right now, we’re not shagging. We’re not even friends, which makes me sad. So, I’m just trying to get myself out there and do me.”
He shook his head. “I guess I lost my shot. I shouldn’t have gotten your number when I first saw you at the bar.”
“What do you mean?”
He laughed. “Sophie, you’re clearly really into him. And he is clearly in love with you.”
“You don’t know that.”
He shrugged. “I know a thing or two about guys.”
“And I guess I don’t—which is why I’m feeling like this. I’m the idiot who fell in love.”
Adam chuckled. “From the look in his eyes, you’re not the only one who fell in love.”
26
Nathan
“You look like shit, mate.”
Nathan still wasn’t sure why he’d opened the door for Garrett. Maybe it was because his best mate had threatened to call over every single woman in the bar downstairs to cheer him up if he hadn’t. But still, Nathan was regretting it. “Yeah, thanks. You know, I didn’t ask you to come over. You can go.”
“Oh, stop being like that. I haven’t seen you in days. You bought a theater. You don’t tell me anything about it. There are papers to be signed. You’re off, Nathan. What’s the matter?”
Nathan ran his hand through his hair. “I fucked up with the whole Ilsa thing.”
Garrett cursed under his breath. “Ilsa was just being Ilsa. Besides, I thought the whole thing with Sophie was that you guys were friends. It didn’t really matter.”
“Yeah well, that was all fine before I fell in love with her. That was all fun until I started feeling things.”
Garrett’s brows lifted. “Things?”
“Fuck, I don’t know how to explain it.”
Garrett nodded wisely. “Well, sometimes when boys like girls, funny feelings happen in their—”
“Shut it.”
Garrett chuckled. “I mean, Sophie’s hot. But why is she any more special than anyone else?”
“I don’t know. I like this one. She’s smart and funny, and—I don’t know. Somewhere along the line she wormed her way under my skin and I couldn’t shake her and—”
“And this is why you don’t shag your friends.”
Nathan scoffed. “I’m in no hurry to shag you.”
Garrett gave him a once-over. “Please. I have better taste in guys. You have to buy me a lot of dinners first.”
Nathan just rolled his eyes.
“Nathan, if it’s upsetting you this much, go talk to her. At least that way we can get rid of this grumpy sack of shit that you’re calling your face right now.”
“What, you think I’m not bright enough to try to talk to her? Hell, I went over there tonight. She’s on a fucking date.”
Garrett winced. “Oh, that’s rough.”
“Tell me about it. She wouldn’t even hear a word I had to say.”
Garrett nodded. “The thing is, you’ve managed your whole life to go without actually caring about anyone besides you know, your mum and Judith. Yeah, sure, mates and such, but real feelings? You always hold yourself back. And the thing is, with her feelings, she’s entitled to feel them. I’m sure it sucked seeing you with Ilsa. I’m sure she didn’t like seeing someone with her hands all over you.”
“I wasn’t doing anything. And I was actively trying to get her off of me.”
Garrett held up his hands. “Yes, of course, because any idiot can see how in love with Sophie you are. I’m just saying that if you look at things from her eyes, it probably looks like the same old Nathan. So, you’re going to have to let her be entitled to her feelings, and just keep trying.”
“How did you get so fucking wise?”
His best friend cleared his throat. “I’ve had my heart broken before, you know.”
Nathan frowned. How had he never known that? “You know, I don’t think I’m a fan of this feeling.”
Garrett just chuckled. “Yeah, not a lot of people are, except for those who are actively in love at the moment. Just keep trying to talk to her, or you’re going to have to get used to the idea that she might not be that interested in talking to you. In the meantime, get your head on straight. The only reason Ilsa was even a real problem was because she has been in your life for so long. The kind of woman who you don’t really have any feelings for, you don’t really care that much about other than surface. You’ve had a lot of those kinds of women in your life. And on any given Sunday you’d have been all about what Ilsa had to offer. So maybe Sophie wasn’t responding to the fact that Ilsa was all over you, but rather responding to all the Ilsas in the world who could come throw a spanner in the works of your relationship.” Garrett shrugged. “I don’t know. Hey, I’m not a shrink. I’m just your best mate who’s trying to get you downstairs for a beer.”
“And I appreciate that. But I think there’s something I have to do tonight instead.”
27
Nathan
Nathan's stomach twisted and turned. Shit. He slammed the door to his flat shut and ran his hands through his hair. He fucked that up. He should have told Ilsa from the get go to stay the fuck away from him.
You should have cut her loose when you started growing feelings. But he hadn't because Ilsa had been convenient. And he hadn’t planned on meeting someone like Sophie.
Sophie is supposed to be casual remember? Except it didn't feel casual. It felt like something. And the look on her face when she'd seen him, it felt like something for her too. So … what? Adam was a rebound guy? No. Hell no.
Adam was not the guy she should rebound with. Rebound guys are fun and flirty, like you. Fuck had he lost her?
How had he fucked up so spectacularly?
Maybe because you're just like your father? Damn it. This was so fucked.
You're the one who caught a case of feelings. This was supposed to be casual. The problem was, there's nothing casual about Sophie—from her goofy dancing, to that laugh of hers, to the sharp wit and the sharper mind. She wasn't casual. And she was tough. Like the number of times she'd full-on confronted him wearing nothing but a T-shirt and panties, just to tell him he was being an arsehole. She had no problem doing that. God, he missed that about Sophie. He missed her already. You are in so much shit right now. Not only had he broken the rule and become something more than casual, but he'd actually fallen for the girl.
There were days where he just couldn't wait to call her—couldn't wait to tell her everything that was going on with him. She'd been right about that theater company. One purchase to save it had flipped his reality. He was now in talks with a couple of young cinematographers looking for funding. They were looking for financial backing for a movie they couldn't get made. He could help with that. He could effect change in their lives. Then it was something that would honor his mother and make him happy. Sophie had done that. Without her, he would still be spinning his wheels doing the same old thing. There had to be a way to fix this. Shit.
> No, there's not. All you can do is what you always do. Block it out, try and forget. Call Garrett and meet him out wherever he was. Drown out the feelings, the pain. Find someone nice and anonymous. Someone who was really casual. You'll forget her in no time.
No, he wouldn't forget her. This was going to hurt. Instead of calling his best friend, he made the one call that he'd been avoiding for months.
When she answered, her voice was confused. "Nathan, is everything all right?"
"I hope it's not too late. I know you're a night owl."
His stepmother laughed. "Yes, I am. I was working. I have a new story I'm working on right now." As a thriller writer, she often got wild bouts of inspiration and had to work late into the night. "Are you okay? Shouldn't you be out and about with a date? Or with your mates and things, tearing up the town and giving me a backdrop for one of my books?"
"No, I actually came home early." He wasn't really feeling it, especially not after Sophie had seen him with Ilsa. The look on her face, he would never forget.
"You want to talk about something?"
He wanted to tell her, he did. From the time his father had married her, he felt like he finally had an ally, someone who would at least try to understand him. She'd been exactly what he needed when his father brought her home. And he needed her now just as much as he had then. "Actually, do you mind if I come home?" She paused for just a bit.
"Nathan, this is your home. You never need a reason."
"Okay, in that case, let me hire a car. I'm coming tonight.” It was time he faced what he'd been running from.
Nathan wasn't sure how he'd managed to sleep in. He arrived home about three in the morning. By that time, Judith had already gone to bed. His father—well, he didn't know exactly where his father was, but it didn't matter to him. Maybe he consciously slept in to avoid the old man. Not like his father would even know he was there. He had taken a car service to come in.
Being at home in his old room was strange. He rarely ever stayed here anymore. Not just because he and his father were estranged either. Once he'd stopped working so closely with his dad, it made sense that he'd want a little more freedom from the constant watchful eyes. The judgment. Or maybe you didn't want Judith to see that you were just like your old man.
Maybe that was it.
But not anymore. Everything with Sophie had him all twisted up—even avoiding his own home, the place that he felt most loved and most cared for, all because he couldn't look the woman he loved like his own mother in the eye and he was done with the lies. He wasn't going to be able to deal with his father and move on if he didn't tell her the truth because clearly the old man wasn't going to do it. Throwing on a pair of old joggers, he meandered down the winding staircase to find his stepmother in the sunroom.
"Oh, look who's up. And it's not even noon. I imagine you London types lounging around, not waking yourselves up 'til two. The debauchery of the night before is still clinging to you."
He chuckled. "Somehow I think you picture a wilder evening that I've actually had most of the time."
She scoffed and waved her hand. "I was young once. It's important to enjoy your youth. Before you're so old all you have left is regrets."
He scrubbed a hand through his hair. "Yeah, regrets. So many of them."
Her sharp gaze narrowed. "What's wrong with you? You seem different."
He shook his head. "I'm not different. It's still the same me in trouble more often than not, always misbehaved. See? I haven't changed at all."
Judith shook her head. "No, I remember you being sensitive. Always attuned to what other people were feeling. Maybe that's what's made you so successful with the young ladies. But you genuinely care. In that moment, you make someone feel very special as if they're the only person in your world. That's a great skill to have. People will flock to you. They'll want to be near you."
"Then why do I always feel alone?"
She gave him a soft, sad smile. "That's a matter of perception my darling. But something about you has changed. Perhaps you don't always feel so alone anymore?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Besides, we're not here to talk about me. I wanted to talk about you."
She went back to her morning tea and took a sip. "Does this have anything to do with the reason you've been avoiding me for the last six months?"
He sighed. "I haven't been avoiding you exactly. I just—I didn't know what to say or do, and so, like a coward, I ran, or rather, didn't say anything. And I feel terrible because you're basically my mother."
"Now you listen to me. You haven't done anything wrong. And I won’t have you beating yourself up over it."
He frowned. "Judith, you don't know what I'm going to say."
She laughed. "Don't I? You think I don't know your father well?"
He swallowed hard. "So you knew?"
She shook her head. "Not details, no. But this is not the first time. About nine months ago, he started acting off, distant, and not coming home. Maybe it was my fault. I was buried with some deadline. Not really paying him attention. And then about six months ago, something changed. Then you also stopped coming home. And you are home practically at least once a month. I would call, but you would avoid my calls. Don't act like you weren't avoiding my calls because I know when a call was cut. You would just send me to voicemail and then you would call me back when you had plenty of time to talk."
Nathan leaned forward and clasped his hands together. "I'm such a shit. I'm worse than him in some ways."
She laughed and patted his hand. "No, you're not. You just didn't know when to tell me."
"Well, now I feel even worse because you already knew and I have been avoiding you."
"Well, I didn't know for sure. I knew something was wrong and I had my suspicions. He'd just been distant."
"Why do you put up with him?"
"When you were young, for a long time, I put up with him for you."
"For me?"
"Yes, for you. From the moment I met you, I adored you. You were this little lost boy who just lost his mum. And you needed me. And I had a very good understanding of the kind of man I married. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but I had the family that I could never have. I have the son that I could never have."
His heart pinched. He'd known that she couldn't have any children. What he hadn't known was she considered him hers as much as he considered her his. "So, you put up with him for me?"
"And for me. As soon as I married him and I got you, I had a family. I hadn't really been close to mine. I hadn't had much family to speak of. So even though your dad is a complete twat, he's still my family. And the idea of losing that, the idea of losing you is too much to take."
“You would never lose me.”
"Oh yes—now. You're grown. But you guys are still my family—even your father. He'll be back. And honestly, you need not worry. I'm so sorry it has kept you away from me. He'll come back with a tail between his legs and swear to never do it again, and then of course, he'll still do it because that's the core of who he is.”
Nathan scrubbed his face with his hands. "So, you're saying that there's absolutely no hope for me. This is who I am. I'm just like him.”
Judith shook her head. "No. You are not just like him. You are your own person. Your whole life you think that you're going to turn into him so you sort of fulfilled that prophecy. That's all."
"But I am him. I hurt someone and I'm terrified of ever getting close to anyone and of course, the moment that I do, I screw it up."
"The difference between you and your father is when you screw up, you own it. I've never met anyone who takes anything as hard as you do. So, you screw it up, fix it. I've been waiting for this day."
He frowned. "What do you mean ‘waiting for this day’?"
"The day you found love, that is."
He frowned. "I'm not in love. I just—I care about her and I hurt her and I don't know how to fix it, and—" He lifted his head when he realized that Judith was laughing. "W
hat the hell is so funny?"
"Sweetheart, you called me yesterday at two in the morning when you should have been out with your mates doing whatever it is that you young lads do. But you called me because you were clearly upset. You asked about this situation with your father, but also about whoever this young woman is. When was the last time you have called me over a girl? And you've had so many."
Shit. She was right. He'd never spoken to Judith about girls. Not because he was embarrassed. It's because none of them really mattered that much. Yeah, sure he'd asked what kind of flowers to get someone. But in terms of actually needing advice, never. "So, what do I do? She saw me with someone and it wasn't what it looked like and hell, I don't know. I mean, we weren't even together. We were casual, and I don't even know how this happened. One moment I'm treating her like everyone else. I'm even trying to help her get dates. The next thing I know, we're watching movies and I'm massaging her feet. And all I want to do is see her smile."
She grinned. "Oh, my boy is finally growing up."
"Yes, yes. I'm growing up. Fair enough, but honestly, what do I do? It hurts. It is so painful."
She nodded. "Yes baby, love often is. So, you messed up. You be straight with her. Direct, make it really clear how you feel, how you messed up and what you plan to do to never do it again. And that's all you can do."
"But what if that's not enough?"
"Well, then you learn for the next time.”
"The way I feel? I don't even want to do this again."
"Don't let your father's behavior dictate who you want to be. You are incredible. And your heart has always been so soft. You just walled it off because you've been busy being afraid to be like him. And then because you were so determined to avoid that, you've waited deep, emotional entanglements which actually made you more like him. A whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing. Stop it. Let yourself feel. If you want this girl, go get her. Don't stand by the side and watch her walk away. Fight. Fight for her. That's something your father would never do."
Nathan knew exactly what he needed to do. If he wanted Sophie, he had to show her he was serious. No such thing as casual. Not with her. That's not what he wanted with her. He wanted everything with Sophie. Now he just had to prove it.
