‘It might be a bit tough for a first outing, being with all the people who were there when he had the accident.’
‘They’d be supportive, though, and he’d got to face it some time. He’s just getting more withdrawn and depressed as it is. We had an argument about it last night. If I wasn’t working at the spinal unit I think I’d just give up talking to him right now.’ Wendy’s lips quivered ominously. ‘Maybe it’s time I gave up on any future for us.’
It was so unlike Wendy to sound so negative that Jessica and Kelly exchanged a look of deep concern.
‘You can’t do that,’ Jessica protested. ‘You really love each other.’ If Wendy and Ross were torn apart, would she and Joe be next? ‘Ross is going to realise just how much you do love him to stick this out.’
‘Getting through this patch might bring you a lot closer together,’ Kelly added.
‘He says there’s no future for us. He says he’s never going to marry anyone if he has to roll down the aisle in a bloody wheelchair.’ Wendy was blinking back tears. Then she sniffed. ‘I don’t even want to think about it right now. I reckon any wedding plans in the near future are going to be for you and Joe, Jess.’
Jessica was feeling distinctly despondent now. ‘I don’t think that’s going to happen in much of a hurry.’
‘So make it happen,’ Kelly said quietly.
‘What? How would I do that? He gets plenty of opportunities. He says he loves me. He says he can’t imagine living without me. He just doesn’t seem to want to make any promises. He probably doesn’t ever want to marry me.’
‘And would you be happy just living with him the way things are?’
Jessica shook her head slowly. ‘I should be. It feels perfect…except that I need the kind of commitment that marriage represents to feel safe, I guess. Otherwise I’d always have the background worry that it doesn’t mean as much to him as it does to me. And then there’s Ricky. I need that commitment to make it feel safe to let Ricky think that Joe’s always going to be around.’
Wendy nodded. ‘I can understand that. If Ross and I were already married it might make the effort of getting through the bad stuff easier. He wouldn’t be able to just dismiss our relationship as not being relevant any more. Marriage is important.’
‘And I’ve always wanted to have a wedding,’ Jessica admitted shyly. ‘The whole bit, you know? The white dress and the confetti and all those photos to remember it by.’
Kelly was staring at Jessica intently. ‘It’s up to you, then,’ she told her friend. ‘Take the initiative. Make it happen.’
‘How?’
‘Propose to him.’
Jessica gasped. ‘I couldn’t do that!’
‘Why not? It’s what you want. It could well be what Joe wants. There’s only one way to find out unless you want to keep waiting and worrying about it.’
‘But…but he might say no.’
‘He might not. Especially if he knows how important it is to you.’
‘You need to find out how he feels about it,’ Wendy agreed. ‘For Ricky’s sake as much as your own. And you do tend to worry about things, Jess.’
‘I’d worry about proposing, that’s for sure.’ Jessica had paled slightly. ‘I’m really not sure I could find the courage to do that.’
‘Yes, you could,’ Kelly said firmly. ‘You’re strong, Jess. Believe in yourself.’
‘And believe in Joe,’ Wendy murmured. ‘If you love him you have to be able to trust him. And if he loves you as much as you love him then he’ll get past any hang-ups about marriage.’
‘And what if he doesn’t love me that much?’
‘Then maybe now’s a good time to find out.’
Jessica looked at each of her friends. She took a deep, albeit shaky breath. ‘You’re right. I do need to find out.’ She managed to nod quite firmly. ‘And I’ll do it. I’ll propose to Joe.’
‘When?’
‘Soon.’ Jessica sounded almost decisive now. ‘Before I lose my nerve.’ She swallowed carefully. ‘Maybe I’ll do it tonight.’
CHAPTER EIGHT
THE decision had been made.
It would be only too easy to talk herself out of it but Jessica was determined to overcome her fear. She channelled her nervous energy into making sure the house was tidy and putting extra effort into cooking a nice dinner. Sprigs of rosemary were added to the slowly roasting leg of lamb and Jessica made a kumera mash. Ricky helped shell the baby green peas. He seemed to sense that good behaviour was important for some reason tonight and even co-operated when it was time to clean his teeth and go to bed. As usual, he fell asleep before Jessica had finished reading a story and, as was now pleasantly usual, Joe had tidied the kitchen and was waiting for Jessica to help finish the wine that had accompanied their meal.
The man in the bottle store had helped her choose a good red wine and it had certainly helped Jessica relax just a little. She hoped that Joe’s appreciation of the wine and the meal had made him as receptive as possible to the proposal she now fully intended to make. It was a bit difficult to know where to start, though. Jessica glanced at Joe. She couldn’t just leap in and ask him to marry her, could she? She sipped her wine and then caught Joe’s gaze again. She cleared her throat.
‘I’ve got to make some decisions in the next few days, Joe.’
‘Do you?’ Joe smiled but knew that his expression lacked any real encouragement. The tension had been unmistakable ever since he’d arrived home. The sinking feeling that he knew what was coming—and why—had been enough to sadly deplete the enjoyment Joe would otherwise have found in the superb meal Jessica had prepared.
‘Mmm.’
Joe made no response to the sound but then he was getting used to ignoring the hints Jessica had been dropping for days now. Like how it was time she went looking for a flat or checked out a new school for Ricky. Or contacted her landlord in Silverstream to let her know her plans. Joe had known she would get round to asking for reassurance when she had fretted enough. Now he just had to wait to find out what form of reassurance Jessica was going to request. Obviously his advice not to rush anything had been inadequate.
‘There’s someone who wants to move into my house in Silverstream. I need to get my furniture and things packed up and moved.’
‘Is that a problem?’
‘It will be if I don’t have somewhere to move them to.’
This was an easy problem to solve. ‘Move them here,’ Joe said. ‘There’s plenty of room.’
‘Oh, no! I can’t do that.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because we’re not…I couldn’t…Because Ricky and I are just visitors,’ Jessica concluded in a rush. ‘And visitors don’t move in all their household goods.’
‘You’re much more than a visitor, Jess. You know that.’
‘I hope so.’ Jessica’s smile was nervous. This was so much harder than she had expected it to be. Was Joe being deliberately difficult to talk to? ‘The thing is, Ricky has become very fond of you, Joe. Every day we stay here he gets closer to you. And if we move in our furniture he’s going to think it’s permanent. It will be devastating for him to move away.’
‘You’re planning to take Ricky away?’ Joe was watching Jessica’s face carefully. Ricky was being put first, as usual.
‘No, of course not!’ Jessica looked stricken. ‘I love you, Joe. I never want to be away from you. But…’
‘But?’
‘But we haven’t really talked about the future, Joe. What we want.’
Jessica had talked about what she wanted. Just not to him. Joe kept his tone neutral. Encouraging, even. ‘What is it that you want, Jess?’
‘I want to be with you, Joe.’ Jessica swallowed, then took a deep breath. ‘I’ve never known what it was like to be really in love with someone and I can’t even imagine feeling like this about anybody else. You’re such a wonderful person. I love your kindness and how funny you are. And that you can dance and that you’re so good at your job. And
…and I love the way you’ve accepted Ricky even though he’s not perfect and especially because you’re supposed to hate kids. And…’ Jessica dropped her gaze to her hands. ‘And I love the way you touch me and the way you can make me feel happy even when you’re not touching me.’ She lifted her gaze again. ‘Just breathing the same air as you makes me happy, Joe. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, but not as a visitor. I want…’ Jessica took another deep breath. ‘Joe, would you marry me?’ She kept the eye contact despite the sense of trepidation that increased over several heartbeats. ‘Please?’ she added finally.
Joe was silent for a period of time which was probably only thirty seconds but felt more like thirty minutes to Jessica.
‘Why is marriage so important to you, Jessica?’ he asked eventually. ‘What’s wrong with the way things are?’
‘I feel like we’re together because it just kind of happened,’ Jessica said slowly. She was trying to choose her words carefully. ‘We didn’t choose to live together and I’m never going to feel like anything other than a visitor. There’s no sense of commitment. Permanence, I guess. I’d like to feel that you really want me to be here.’
‘I do want you to be here.’
‘If it was just me, I wouldn’t be worried,’ Jessica continued, not quite truthfully. ‘But there’s Ricky as well.’
‘Ah.’ Joe’s tone suggested they were getting to the real crux of the matter. ‘So there is.’
Jessica frowned. A fleeting image of Chris came to mind, bringing with it an echo of the blow he had delivered in expecting her to give up her child to be with him. Surely Joe didn’t feel the same way? ‘Is Ricky a problem?’ she asked quietly. ‘As far as our relationship is concerned?’
Joe was silent again, which made Jessica feel increasingly nervous. Finally, he said, ‘What is it that you really want, Jess? A husband? Or a father for your child?’
Jessica stared at him. She didn’t like the closed expression on Joe’s face. She had the uncomfortable feeling that he’d been anticipating this discussion and that his agenda was already decided. The suggestion that she wanted Joe as anything other than a life partner was a shock. ‘I…want you, Joe,’ she stammered. ‘I love you. You must know that.’
‘But what if I don’t want to be a father to Ricky? I’ve never intended to be a father. I don’t know the first thing about being one.’
Jessica’s smile was reassuring. ‘You don’t have to be anything other than what you are, Joe. You’re brilliant with Ricky. He adores you.’
‘And did you fall in love with me before or after it was obvious how well I get on with Ricky?’
Jessica’s heart sank. She remembered the moment she’d become aware of just how strong her feelings for Joe were—the day he’d tried to teach Ricky to dance. The way he got on with Ricky was part of the man she loved and was too closely bound to other reasons to be possible to separate.
‘We haven’t known each other without Ricky being around,’ she said cautiously. ‘He’s part of me. Part of my life.’
‘And you couldn’t bring yourself to leave him even to spend a few days away with just me, could you?’
‘But…’ Oh, God. Jessica could see now that the suggestion of a holiday by themselves had been some kind of test. Joe had had doubts about her motives and had tried to challenge them. And Jessica had failed the test.
‘When did our relationship really start, Jess?’ Joe sighed as he slumped back in his chair. ‘I’ll tell you, shall I? It was the day Ricky made his book. You were really excited about how well school was going and you’d decided you wanted to make a permanent move to Christchurch.’
No. It had been the day of that dreadful case with the little boy who had drowned and Jessica had been so blown away by the extent of Joe’s compassion that she had confessed her love for him. He made it sound as though she had offered him her body as a kind of advance rental for staying in his house a little longer. It cheapened what had happened between them and Jessica felt the stirrings of anger.
‘I had intended to look for a place to live. It was you that kept saying there was no hurry.’
‘There isn’t. What I’m suggesting is that there was a reason for you choosing to stay here in the first place. And another reason for you choosing to sleep with me. And now you need to move your furniture so there’s a good reason to suggest marriage.’
‘You make it sound like I planned this. That I’ve conned you into doing something you didn’t want to do. It was you that offered to look after Ricky in the first place, Joe. You who persuaded me to stay when I got back from the funeral.’
‘You weren’t too difficult to persuade,’ Joe murmured. It wasn’t that he really believed what he was suggesting. It was just that the doubts had to be aired some time. And this was the most logical opportunity.
‘You said you loved me.’ Jessica felt bewildered now. ‘What was that about? Was it just the sex you wanted?’
Joe shook his head. ‘I do love you, Jess. That’s the problem, isn’t it?’
‘Why?’
‘Because I don’t know whether you feel the same way. And that’s why I can’t marry you.’
‘I do feel the same way.’
‘How can I know that? How can I know that you’re with me because I’m the person you want to be with for the rest of your life?’
‘You can believe what I tell you.’
‘Ah…’ The direct look Jessica received was chilling. ‘Maybe I believe something else you told me.’
‘Which was?’
‘That you love Ricky so much you’d do anything if you thought it was going to help him. How much does “anything” encompass, Jess? Falling in love with someone who looks like a good bet as a dad? Someone who, for some reason, has a rapport with Ricky that has broken through his distrust of strangers?’
‘I didn’t fall in love with you because Ricky likes you!’
‘Would you have felt the same way if Ricky hated me? If he threw a tantrum every time he saw me?’
‘We wouldn’t have had the chance to get to know each other.’ Jessica shook her head sharply. ‘But if we had then, yes, I’d feel the same way. It has nothing to do with Ricky.’
‘Doesn’t it?’
The silence that followed spoke volumes. Of course Ricky was involved. It simply wasn’t possible for him not to be a part of this relationship.
‘What’s more important to you, Jess? Being with me or doing what’s best for Ricky?’
‘They’re both important.’
‘What if being with me was a bad thing for Ricky?’
‘But it’s not.’
‘But what if it was?’
‘Then…then I couldn’t be with you.’ Jessica’s chin lifted. ‘I wouldn’t be with anyone who expected me to give up my son. He’s part of my life,’ she said again. ‘Part of me.’
‘That’s half the problem, isn’t it?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You’ve been living your life through your son. He rules your choices. You’re not an independent person and you’ve made sure Ricky isn’t either. I think a lot of his problems are due to the way you’ve brought him up. You and your mother.’
‘Leave my mother out of this,’ Jessica warned. ‘You have no idea what you’re talking about. Ricky’s autistic. It was diagnosed by the time he was two.’
‘I’m not convinced that diagnosis is all that accurate,’ Joe said calmly. ‘Sure, he’s got social problems and maybe some of his behaviour fits into categories shared by autistic children, but he’s hardly got an irreversible condition, which makes me think that someone labelled him a little too quickly. It also makes me think that a lot of it might have been due to circumstances. He’s been over-protected. Smothered, even. No wonder he had problems relating to other people by the time he was two. And I’ll bet you and your mum closed the net even tighter once you were told he wasn’t normal.’
Jessica was really angry now. ‘What gives you the
right to criticise, Joe? You’ve never even wanted to have kids.’
‘That’s right, I haven’t. But I can see what giving Ricky a bit of independence has done for him. What treating him normally has achieved in even a short space of time. It’s what parenting is supposed to be about, isn’t it? Helping them towards independence. Being supportive. Loving them. Protecting them, yes, but not wrapping them up in cotton wool so tightly it becomes impossible for them to grow.’
‘How would you know? You’re not a parent.’
‘I know what I didn’t have,’ Joe said quietly. ‘And I know what Ricky needs. I think you do, too. And it’s a big part of why you want me around.’
‘We managed just fine before you were around.’ Jessica was too upset and angry to admit the miracle that had occurred with Ricky in recent weeks. Or to allow Joe the credit. ‘We’ll manage just fine without you if we have to.’
‘You don’t have to,’ Joe said patiently. ‘I’m not saying I don’t want you and Ricky around, Jess. I just can’t marry you. Not unless I’m sure that it’s me you want more than a father for Ricky.’
‘And how are you going to know that when you won’t believe what I say?’
‘I don’t know,’ Joe responded slowly. ‘Maybe I just need more time.’
‘And that’s going to work?’ Jessica was scornful. ‘With me waiting for every little test scenario you set up to see if I’m going to choose to do something with you instead of Ricky? I don’t think so, Joe.’ Jessica was holding herself together with difficulty now. ‘The fact is that you don’t trust me and in my book that means you don’t love me. Not the way I’d want to be loved by someone I wanted to stay with.’
‘So you’re not going to stay?’
‘How can I, Joe? You’ve made it impossible.’
Joe’s face was set. ‘So this is an ultimatum, is it, Jess? Either I marry you or you leave?’
‘I don’t think marriage is on the cards, actually.’ Jessica stood up. ‘It couldn’t possibly work. I’m Ricky’s mother. I’m sorry, but you can’t expect me to be anything else.’
THE NURSE'S RESCUE Page 13
