by Nick Kove
I was such an idiot. I shouldn’t have texted him.
Nikolai: You’re giving me the silent treatment again. Guess what, Glenn? I’ve got better things to do than to be ignored by you.
I wasn’t ignoring him. I just didn’t know what to reply. I was fucking mortified here.
Nikolai: And so what if you like a dick up your arse? I do too! See, that’s something we have in common. Don’t be ashamed of that. I’m not. I’m not ashamed of anything. I’m not even ashamed of sleeping with you, and you were a big, bad bully back in school.
I had been, yeah. He was right. I’d never treated Nik badly though. Never given him much thought, to be honest. He’d been… there. In my periphery vision as Ben’s best friend, but other than that… I’d never given a shit about him.
Nikolai: I’m guessing I’m not going to get anything else out of you tonight? Should I even bother coming over later? Nice date we had planned. Didn’t even get to the awkward, stilted conversation. Or the hard, hot, and fast sex. Bummer. Good night, Glenn.
Me: Night, Nik.
How could a simple conversation through text turn into such a fucking disaster? All I’d wanted was to ask for a little advice on what to do now my mum knew about my sex toys, and instead, it had turned into this train-wreck.
Nik was pissed, we had no more plans for tonight… and all of this because I couldn’t fucking admit that all I wanted was someone to fuck me nice and good.
I fell onto my bed. It was better than throwing my phone across the room. Much less expensive too.
Why did I always fuck everything up?
2
A Night-Time Visit
Friday, 29th March 2013
Rapid knocking on my window brought me back into consciousness.
‘The fuck?’ I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.
Knock, knock, knock, knock-knock-knock.
I pushed up onto an elbow and peered up at my window—and saw Nik crouched by it. I was out of the bed so fast I almost fell flat on my face.
‘Hey.’ I pushed the window open, shivering as cold, spring air blew inside.
‘Can I come in?’ Nik sniffled—and now I looked closer I saw his eyes were red.
‘Are you all right?’ Panic welled up inside and I all but pulled him in, keeping a tight hold on him so he wouldn’t stumble and fall.
He only nodded, pressing in close to me. He was freezing cold—but that might be because I’d just woken up and was only in my underwear, whereas he’d been outside, so… of course he was cold.
‘Hey, what’s wrong?’
He pushed away from me, stumbled across the floor, and sat down shakily on my bed.
‘Are you drunk?’ He had to be. That stumbling walk wasn’t for sober people. I should know, I’d stumbled around drunk more often than I could count.
‘Maybe. Yes, I am.’
Now I could hear it in his speech too. It was a little mumbled, and a bit more high-pitched than it normally was.
‘I fucked up so bad.’ He struggled with his jacket, completely unsuccessful in getting it off.
I headed over to help, sliding it off his shoulders and dropping it over my desk chair.
‘What’d you do?’ Was this about how prissy he got during our text conversation yesterday?
‘I basically told Ben to fuck off. Might’ve ruined our friendship. But he’s better off, you know? Better this way, so he can see what’s right in front of him.’ It all came out in a rush. And it made absolutely no sense.
‘I have no idea what you’re on about.’ I sat on the bed next to him, still shivering a little from the blast of cold air. Whoever had decided that April was a spring month was a big, fat liar. They’d certainly never spent April in Norway.
‘Ben!’ He turned to look at me, eyes a little glassy. ‘He likes me likes me. You know? Has forever. So, I told him—I told him—it’s never going to be us, you know? I did that, because—I can’t stand to watch him hurt Tarjei anymore.’
‘What?’ I was officially lost.
‘My brother. I’ve got a brother.’
I reckoned I kind of knew that. Somewhere far in the back of my mind.
‘And Ben’s shagging him.’
Oh.
‘Has been for years.’ Nik flopped back on the bed dramatically. ‘And he doesn’t like Tarjei, but Tarjei loves him, and it’s all just such a fucking mess. I told him where I stand. That I don’t stand anywhere near him at all. That I’ll never like him like that.’
I hoped he hadn’t told Ben that harshly.
‘He has to see what he’s got, right? Tarjei’s such a good guy. He deserves a guy who wants to be with him properly. He shouldn’t be Ben’s fuck-buddy forever, only good enough when there’s no one else around.’
Well, that I could agree on. Even though I didn’t know the history.
‘How many years?’
‘Hmm?’
‘How many years have they been shagging?’ Not that I was all that interested in Ben’s sex life, but I was curious.
‘Oh, ages. Since he was sixteen. He lost his virginity to him. I mean, that’s special, right?’
Oh, wow.
‘Umm. Do you think your first time was special?’ I couldn’t even remember who my first time had been with.
‘Well, no. But I’m not still shagging the person who took my virginity, am I?’ He stretched his hands up, then let them flop onto the bed too next to his head. ‘That was a one-time thing that happened when I was drunk. Not even memorable enough to remember much. I didn’t like it though, that I remember.’
‘You remember that but not the person you fucked?’
He stared up at me.
‘Who did you lose your virginity to, Glenn?’
I shrugged.
‘Some girl. While drunk. Can’t really remember much.’
‘Another thing we’ve got in common, then.’ He chuckled.
‘You sleeping here tonight?’ I looked down at him.
He peered back up at me.
‘Want that BJ now?’
‘Maybe in the morning.’ I fended off a wandering hand. ‘It’s the middle of the night.’ Speaking of, I didn’t actually know what time it was, but a quick check on my mobile told me it was past three. ‘Undress and get under the covers.’
‘I can’t make my hands move.’ He pouted. ‘I think you have to undress me.’
I did, just to get him out of his cold clothes. Then I unceremoniously rolled his drunk arse under my duvet and covered him with it.
‘Mmm, warm.’ He snuggled into my pillow. ‘Are you going to spoon me?’
That brought forth a nice mental image.
‘You want me to spoon you?’
‘Yeah.’
I wasn’t about to say no. It was the middle of the night, and to be able to spoon a warm body when I’d expected to spend the entire night on my own… that was nice.
Nik sighed contently as I scooted in close and wrapped an arm around his waist.
‘I swear I’ll get back to that BJ,’ he mumbled sleepily—or drunkenly. It was hard to tell. ‘In the morning.’
‘Yeah, you do that.’ Maybe I’d work up the nerve to give him one in return. I’d never given anyone a BJ before, so that would be a first for me.
He was silent for a minute and I thought he’d fallen asleep, until…
‘I hope Ben’ll forgive me.’
I tightened my grip on him.
‘He will. He’s your best friend.’ I hoped my best friend would forgive me when he found out I’d been lying and avoiding him for almost a year. It would be a year by the time he came home from the army for good.
Nik did fall asleep then, too drunk to manage to stay awake any longer.
Me, however, was wide awake. When I’d first woken up and been up and about, it was damn near impossible for me to go back to sleep again. And I’d been woken properly by the gust of cold air sweeping in as I opened the window for Nik.
I carefully untangled myself from him, got out
of bed, and pulled on the joggers that lay discarded on the floor. I searched around in the dark for my T-shirt, and once that was on, I sat on my desk chair and opened my laptop.
Might as well spend some time on Photoshop since I was already awake, instead of lying around trying—and ultimately failing—to get back to sleep.
I’d finished one erotic short story today, even without the helpful atmosphere of the library as it was closed, and it needed a cover before I could upload it for sale. I had the stock photos all lined up, so all I had to do was find the time to make the damn thing.
My Photoshop skills were completely self-taught, but I’d spent the past two years regretting my choice of education. If I’d done three years of media instead of general studies, I would’ve had something to build on. I could’ve applied for higher education doing this, but as it was now I didn’t feel confident enough about it. Even if I did, moving away for higher education wasn’t the best idea when I was just out of the hospital for several suicide attempts.
My web browser booted along with the computer itself—and my Facebook pinged almost immediately. I clicked on the correct tab, grateful to see I was logged into my author pseudonym account and not my personal one—and then smiled as I saw who was messaging me.
The only person I felt I could really talk to for the past seven months. We’d got to know each online because we both wrote erotic short stories that we self-published.
Matt: Hey! You up this late too?
Me: Yeah, woke up and can’t get back to sleep.
Matt: I haven’t even been able to go to sleep yet.
Me: That sucks man.
Matt: What woke you up?
Me: Someone knocked on my window. It’s that guy I slept with last year, before… you know. I slept with him again on Tuesday, and now he’s back here.
Matt: Is that good?
Me: He’s a nice guy. Not really my type though.
Matt: Oh?
Me: Yeah… He’s just… I don’t know. Too out there.
Matt: Too gay you mean?
Me: Yeah. Sorry. No offence.
Matt: None taken. I get where you’re coming from.
Me: You do?
Matt: Yeah, well, my lad’s a lot more out there than I am. I was at a point in my life where I just didn’t care, though. I just went with it. And we’re still together, so it all paid off.
Me: That’s nice.
Matt: He’s a great lad. But you know… Sometimes the guy who’s perfect for you isn’t who you expected it to be at all. Sometimes the perfect guy isn’t your type—but he’s so fucking perfect any way you just got to overlook that little fact. I wrote a storyline like that in Burning Bridges. Took a lot from my own life when it came to that one.
Me: Hey, I just write smut, I don’t get into feelings and shit.
Matt: You do! I’ve read your free stuff online, remember. You should get that published, BTW. It’s really good.
Me: Hah. No. I don’t think so.
Matt: I’ve told you before and I will tell you again. It IS good.
Me: I’m better at writing pure smut. And since it sells well I don’t see why I should change that.
Matt: Romance novels and novellas sell a lot too. I should know, I write both. I did start out with only smut too, you know, so I know what I’m talking about.
Me: I don’t know…
Matt: Think about it. Try it. You could start another pen name if you’re unsure. Lots of people do.
Me: You publish everything under one name.
Matt: Yeah, well… Some would argue that’s a bad idea. It works for me though. But everyone’s different. They’re doing great on the free site. Why shouldn’t your more romantic stuff do well on sale as well? That’s just my two cents.
Me: I know. I’ve heard it before.
Matt: I’m not going to stop saying it.
Me: Heh. I know. You’re tenacious, I’ll give you that.
Matt: So would C! ;)
Me: Can I ask you something a little personal?
Matt: Sure.
Me: My guy… he promised me a BJ in the morning. And we kinda agreed I’d give one in return. Except I haven’t ever done it before. What if I’m not good at it?
Matt: Okay, so… having your dick sucked is always good. Unless there’s too much teeth. Watch the teeth. But other than that? Just a mouth around his dick should be enough.
Anyway, you’ve written plenty of BJ scenes. You’ve had plenty of BJ’s done to you, right? Just do what feels good to you. We guys are easy that way. It’s easy to get us off.
Trust me, I wasn’t exactly confident the first time I got with C. But he was confident and he was experienced and he liked it, no matter what I did.
If your guy’s all right, he will too. Don’t worry so much about it. Just let it happen naturally.
Me: Thanks, man.
Matt: No problem. It’s my pleasure.
Me: Where’s your guy now since you’re up this late?
Matt: At work. He should be home soon though. Speak of the devil. He’s home. I guess that’s my cue to log off!
Me: You do that. Talk to you later! I thought I should work on some covers since I’m already awake. Have a nice night. Or morning. Whatever.
Matt: Oh, I will! Talk to you later, G.
I minimised my web browser and clicked on the document that was one of my current works in progress. It was one of my romance novellas, one of those I didn’t dare post for sale because they were cheesy as fuck.
Matt might say he liked them—and I had thousands of followers who also followed every word I wrote on that site—but that didn’t mean I felt any better about them.
The current work in progress was a story dealing with unrequited love. Just as Matt said he’d drawn from his life in one of his books, I drew heavily from mine with this one. Especially from all the jumbled emotions of last year.
The dilly-dally of feelings between Andreas and Alex. How I’d kissed Alex, even while knowing he was my best friend’s boyfriend.
I reckoned Alex had never told Andreas about that unfortunate event, considering Andreas had texted me afterwards and he hadn’t even so much as mentioned it.
Unrequited love sucked. Especially when you didn’t even know who exactly you held that unrequited love for. It had been Andreas, but in the end, I was pretty sure I’d gone and fallen for Alex.
Now though… now I had it all at more of a distance. I wasn’t around them all the time, which helped. That helped a lot actually.
I glanced over at the bed; at Nik who was fast asleep and completely unaware of the conversation, I’d just had with a stranger.
Matt and I might be virtual friends, but I had no idea what he was like in real life. I didn’t even know what he looked like. He was supposed to be my age, but people could pretend to be whoever they wanted online. He could just as well be a middle-aged pervert trying to exploit me.
But when it came to him I chose to keep an open mind. We shared lots of stuff, after all. We proofread for each other, we talked almost every day online, we shared stuff about our writing and about our lives. It was nice to have someone so close, even if I’d never met them before.
‘Okay, time to get to work,’ I muttered to myself, minimising my document as well. I was making covers now—it was better to do in the middle of the night than try to focus on getting words down on virtual paper. I had stories to publish, after all. Money to earn. This was my job. And it paid well. Especially as I didn’t have to pay for anything at home.
I was saving up to get away, to travel or move to another town to get my own place or something. Something other than staying in my parents’ basement crippled with depression for the rest of my life.
I wanted to travel and experience the world. I couldn’t do that from here. Couldn’t do that without money. I was earning—and I saved almost all of it, except for what I needed to put away for taxes and what I needed to live off.
My family had no idea what I did. No o
ne did. No one I knew in real life. This whole writing business was my little secret. And it was a great secret to have because it gave me economic stability. I didn’t have to live off my parents any more than I had to. I could do my own things.
Nik sighed and rolled over on his back. His eyes stayed closed, so he was still fast asleep.
Well shit, but he does look good.
Instead of bringing up my cover-art-in-progress, I opened a completely new blank canvas. I grabbed my stylus, plugged it in, and set to sketching the beautiful guy currently asleep in my bed.
I woke to Nik flapping about in a hurry.
‘What’re you doing?’ I groaned, rolling over to face the rest of my room. And him, in his hurry to get dressed.
‘Shit, Glenn.’ His eyes were all wild as he looked at me. ‘Last night!’
‘What about last night?’ He hadn’t done anything wrong, so why was he in such a hurry?
Besides, it was way too early to be up. I could hardly get my eyes to open.
‘I was so horrible to Ben!’ He tugged his skinny jeans up in jerky movements, hopping on one foot as he did so. ‘I have to—I don’t know. Go talk to him! Do something. I can’t—Oh my god. I’m never drinking again.’
I snorted in disbelief.
‘Now that I don’t believe.’
‘I can’t believe what I said to him. And the way I said it. I have to go do something.’
I covered my face with my hand, too tired to try and keep my eyes open.
‘You do that,’ I mumbled. ‘I’ll just go back to sleep.’ I’d been up until the early hours, after all.
‘Don’t think I’ve forgotten our mutual BJs,’ he said matter-of-factly like it didn’t bother him at all to discuss such intimate things out loud like we were talking about the weather. ‘I’ll be back.’
‘I can hardly wait.’ Actually, right now I could. I was way too tired to think about sex.
His lips descended on my forehead, all soft and warm.
‘See you later, Glenn.’ And with that, he opened the window and scampered out, closing it softly behind him again.
