by Unknown
When they finally finished shopping it was agreed on by all that the women would meet at Sylvia’s aunt’s house for dinner later that evening. Sylvia, however, insisted on shooting back to her place to freshen up. And since she was still getting to know Atlanta, Laurie volunteered to ride with her so she could show her the way back to her mom’s for dinner. It was an experience Sill would hardly forget. She never remembered Laurie being quite so talkative but what a difference a few years had made.
“Girl, have you been to Shaggy’s?” Laurie asked as soon as they’d gotten in the car.
“No, I really haven’t been anywhere since I’ve been here. Teaching keeps me pretty busy. I don’t really have time to do too much of anything,” Sill answered.
“Girl, you’ve go to go to Shaggy’s. Tuesdays are the nights to go, girl. It’s men’s lockup. Ladies are admitted free until ten and, Lord knows you’ve got to see the men up in there. Good God almighty! Talk about some fine ass men! Girl, they got it goin on! Walkin’ around there in them little g-strings serving drinks. Hell, the first time I went was about two months ago on a payday. I cashed my check before I went. You know to have a little spendin’ change so I could buy a drink or two. It was the first of the month, you know. The mortgage was due, light bill was overdue and they were just about to turn the cable off, so I was feelin’ a little stressed. I was tellin’ one of my girlfriends about my bills and this sorry-ass man I was dating so she suggested we try out this new club downtown, you know, to relieve the stress and shit, so I said sure why the hell not.
Girl, when I got there they dimmed the lights and this tall, fine thang walks up to me. Thought I was gonna pee right there and I ain’t had the first drink yet. Tells me his name is Timothy or something another. I can’t really remember ‘cause all my attention was focused on that little ass piece of string tied around his waist and wonderin’ how that little string could possible hold all of that delicious lookin’ man I was seein’.
By the time Timothy had gotten my order, I’d ordered for everybody at the damn table just trying to keep him there. And not once did my eyes leave that damn string. I don’t even recall his face but I can give you the length, width and diameter of that string and its contents. Girl, let me tell you. By the time the night was over, the mortgage was in default, I was at Family Dollar searchin’ for some damn candles and on my knees up at the cable company beggin’ for an extension.” They both laughed out loud.
“Girl, you need to stop your lyin’,” Sill was laughing so hard the tears rolled down her face. “So, what did you end up doing?” she asked.
“What do you mean what did I end up doin’? I got the damn candles, told Timothy I was goin’ to treat him to a candlelight dinner, bought the nigga a value pack from Bojangles, you know, two pieces a chicken and a biscuit and sexed that boy til he was hollerin’ for me to let him go. I hurt him so bad he tol’ me he was goin’ to use the john and ended up sneakin’ out the back door. Shit, the hell if I wasn’t goin’ to get some of my tips back.”
“Damn, if it’s all that I may have to go,” Sill said, tears still streaming down her face.
“Trust me, girlfriend, it’s all that. ‘Cept I never see Timothy anymore so don’t expect to see him when we go,” Laurie said.
“What happened? Did you end his career?”
“No, he’s still there but he runs every time he sees me. Spends all his time in the back. But don’t worry girl. There are plenty of Timothy’s up in dere. They’re not supposed to get personal with the customers but you rip a Benjamin in half and tell them to meet you later and they’ll get the other half and trust me you don’t have to worry about whether they’ll get personal. Know what I’m sayin’? Personal! Hell, they ain’t makin’ much more than that in a night. So when you see ‘em later and tell ‘em that all you need is an hour or so of their time for a little undercover work you ain’t goin’ to get too many complaints, baby girl. Shit, I had one nigga wanted to give me a refund. Tol’ me the pleasure was his. Let me tell you, girl. I rocked this boy’s boots. He was still cal-lin’ me two weeks later tryin’ to take me out to dinner and what not,” Laurie bragged.
“I know you went?” Sill asked.
“Heck, yeah. Went to the Blue Marlin for some seafood that was out of this world. I don’t know where this fool thought he was takin’ me but he looked shook when I told him I wanted to go to the nicest seafood restaurant in Atlanta. I guess he thought he was takin’ me to Red Lobster or something but I let the brotha know from the outset that this sista don’t do chains,” Laurie said matter-of-factly.
“When the waitress came askin’ me what I wanted for an appetizer and pushin’ this salad up in front of me, I pushed it right on back and ordered the Shrimp Scampi. She gonna’ tell me Shrimp Scampi ain’t considered an appetizer. I said it is today, sista girl. Then for the main course, I ordered a three and a half pound lobster with a baked potato and this witch is still pushing this salad. Anyway, the chef comes to the table. You know, when you order lobster at the Blue Marlin they push this big ol’ aquarium up to the table and I knew that but I tol’ the chef that there’s no need to do that, I’d just go with him and look. See that way I can forget about bein’ a lady and all that. Shit, I’m lookin’ like I just stepped out of Vogue, anyway. I got this young boy droolin’, just thinkin’ about dessert.
Anyway, let me finish tellin’ you about the chef and the lobster. I followed the chef over to the tank and get to lookin’ at the lobsters. And, girl, they had some lobsters. Must have been a hundred of them just floatin’ around. So the chef tells me to pick one. Well, the last time I was there, I let the chef pick the lobster and I ended up stoppin’ by the Burger King on the way home. So I said to myself, I’m not goin’ home hungry tonight. Where’s your scale? I must have had the chef weigh twenty-five lobsters before I got a nice size one. Then, I told him to prepare another and put it in a doggy bag and hand it to me on the way out.”
“No, you didn’t!” Sill shouted, laughing.
“Oh, but I did. Girl, if you’ve been around this town as long as I have with these little po’ ass Negroes tryin’ to be playas, you’d better know the tricks of the game. See, the way I figure, if the boy wants to be with me badly enough and feels confident enough to be with one tough, professional Black woman, then he better not come half steppin’. Ain’t no way I can eat out like this every night but I can when I want to with no help from anybody. So if you choose to be with me I hope to God you can carry your weight. Don’t come tryin’ to impress me and ain’t got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Don’t come pullin’ up to me in no Cadillac Escalade tryin’ to floss and you livin’ with yo’ mama. Know what I’m sayin’? Anyway, I go back to the table and listen to him talk about himself and how he’s about to drop an album. So, I ask him what he does and of course, he’s a music producer and at the moment he’s in the studio producin’ some chick’s album. So, I’m like, yeah okay, ‘cause every unemployed nigga in Atlanta claims to be a rapper and most of ‘em can’t read or write, let alone rap. But anyway, I’m listenin’ while I finish up the shrimp and wonderin’ how I can ditch this boy before he tries to make a power move at the end of the night. See, I’m thinkin’ the whole time. Ya gotta stay one step ahead of ‘em or you’ll find yourself wrapped up in some shit you can’t get out of.
Well, by this time I’m so full I have to go to the bathroom to let some out before I can put some more in. And just then I see the chef comin’ with my lobster as I’m on my way to the bathroom. He smiles. I smile and that silly waitress is followin’ him with the side orders so I stop her and tell her to bring me a bottle of wine. But on the way, I stop at the bar and order a double Hennessey on the rocks, throw that down on the way back to the table and tell the bartender to put it on the tab.
By the time I get back to the table, I’m feelin’ no pain and I’m listenin’ to my boy go on and on about comin’ back from New Jersey where he just finished puttin’ the finishin’ touches on Kem�
��s new album and now I know he’s lyin’ but I don’t say anything, not a goddamn word. I’m thinkin’ he can have his lies. I’m gonna have this lobster. Talk about somethin’ good. By this time, I’m sippin’ the wine, the Hennessy’s hittin’, pieces of shell are flyin’ over to the next table, I’m dippin’ that lobster tail in the butter and got lobster and everything else hangin’ from my mouth. Shit, I’m havin’ a goddamn ball and he’s still runnin’ his mouth tellin’ these fantabulous lies about how absolutely niggariffic he is like he’s the Second Coming or some shit.
Now it’s about this time that I start thinkin’ about dessert and this delicious looking hot-fudge brownie that I saw on the menu. So, I ordered that and figured I’d better keep this fool talkin’ cause he sure ain’t gonna be able to say anything when the bill arrives. Plus, I want to make him think that I’m really interested in what he’s sayin’ so he don’t wanna whoop my ass when he drops me off and I don’t give him any.” Laurie paused to light a cigarette.
“So, go ahead, what happened?” Sill asked with baited breath.
“Well, I’m talkin’ to him askin’ him ‘bout his producin’ and all and then I get around to who he’s produced and he starts namin’ stars. I figured he’d bring up some no-name artists and tell me he was just gettin’ his feet wet but no, this fool starts namin’ names like Keith Sweat, Kelly Price, Jaheim, you know, the big names so I’m thinkin’ to myself, this boy’s a pathological liar if I ever did see one. Here he is dancin’ in Shaggy’s on Tuesday nights and drivin’ this beat-up Toyota Corolla pickup and he’s gonna tell me he’s producin’ megastars.
That’s when it dawned on me that the fool was crazy. I lost my appetite right then and there and told him it was time to go. I said any nigga with this active an imagination is liable to do anything ‘cause all the bricks ain’t in the wagon. Now, I’m scared that when the check comes he’s gonna make a scene right there but at least we’re in a crowded restaurant so he won’t be so apt to whoop my ass right there. When the check came, it was a hundred and thirty two dollars which really wasn’t bad. But to be on the safe side I decided to head back to the ladies room just in case he needed some time and space to vent.
While I was in there, I figured he’d probably slip out the door when he saw the check so I started lookin’ for my Visa Card. When I got back to the table, he was sittin’ there like nothing had happened and on the tray was a twenty-dollar tip. Now I know I’m in trouble. I was so scared of what he was gonna do to me that I forgot my damn doggy bag with the extra lobster. Anyway, by now I’m absolutely positive the nigga’s gonna’ whoop my ass. I’m thinkin’ he’s probably just waitin’ til we get in the car.
That’s when I thought about taking a cab home or callin’ one of my girlfriends to pick me up, you know, just to be on the safe side but I didn’t want it to appear like I was afraid or had done anything wrong so I got in the car and he took me home.”
“So, what happened then?”
“Well, when we got to my house the streets deserted. Half the street lights don’t work anyway ‘cause the drug boys bust them out and I’m thinkin’ this is what he was waitin’ for all along, some dark lonely stretch where he could bash my brains in with no one noticin’. But I didn’t get out. I couldn’t. I was frozen stiff. I just sat there, almost like I knew I had done wrong and was waitin’ for my punishment. Then he leaned over. Girl, I thought I was going to pee on myself right then and there. But all he wanted to know was if I was goin’ to invite him in. I kept thinkin’ about the headlines of the next day’s papers sayin’ something like, Unidentified Woman, Murdered and Dismembered in Own
Townhouse,” so I told him tonight isn’t a good night, but call me around the end of the week and we’ll get together. Then I thanked him for dinner, jumped out of the car and ran like hell up to the steps to let myself in.
Luckily, my next door neighbor was walkin’ his dog so by the time he opened the car door to get out I was already in the house with the bolt lock on the door, honey,” Laurie finished the cigarette and put it out in the ashtray, blew out the rest of the smoke and continued.
“All I wanted to do when I got in the house was kick back and relax. So, I grabbed a glass of wine, put on some Jaheim and called my girlfriend up to tell her about this crazy nigga I just went out with and I’m sittin’ there chillin’ sippin’ my wine waitin’ for her to pick up and fiddlin’ with the CD when I see big as day, ‘produced by Aaron Brown’.
Girlfriend, I dropped the wine and the phone. I just sat there and stared at the CD. I must have stared at it for about ten minutes until I heard my girl yelling over the phone, “Laurie? Laurie, are you there?” I picked up the phone. I don’t even know if I told her I was goin’ to call her back. I just hung it up. I had CD’s everywhere. And sure enough he was on the Keith Sweat, the Kelly Price, the Luther, all of the one’s he mentioned.”
“No.”
“Girl, I wanted to kick my own ass.” Laurie said.
“I’m feelin’ you there, girl. You run into a good man out here, you’d best scoop him up. What is it they say?” Sill asked.
“A good man is hard to find,” Laurie said.
“Ain’t that the truth. Either they’re married or dead,” Sill added.
“Shit, a few of the married ones I’ve dated seem like they’re dead,” Laurie said, smiling as she scrounged through her purse for another cigarette.
“Tell me you don’t date married men, Laurie. At least not knowing they’re married.”
“Baby girl, this is Atlanta. Do you know what the ratio of men to women is here? A thousand to one. Hell, if he’s married and looks in my direction and I like what I see, he’s mine. He could be walkin’ hand in hand in the mall with his wife and kids but the minute he glances in my direction then he’s fair game. His marital status is his business. And if he ends up out here with me then she ain’t doin’ somethin’ right at home. I’m not a home wrecker, Sill. I’m a home-maker. If he ain’t happy there, then I promise that I’ll make him a happy home here. She better just be glad that I’m not in the market for a full-time man. If I was I wouldn’t send him home when I got tired of him. I wouldn’t send him home at all. But honestly, I do try to stay away from married men but not because they’re married. I stay away from ‘em because I’m high maintenance and brothaman has got to be in great shape to keep up with me and ain’t too many married men that I know can satisfy wifey and me too. What about you, Sill? Have you been datin’?” Laurie said.
“No, not really. I’m still trying to get over my last relationship,” she confessed.
“Let me guess? Brotha either got locked up was gay or is messin’ with that shit,” Laurie speculated.
Sylvia dropped her head for a second. The thought of Peter was still painful and for some reason the memories and the hurt she felt seemed to be growing stronger instead of fading as time went on.
Laurie, sensing her cousin’s turmoil interjected: “Okay Sylvia, here’s the bottom line. It’s something my daddy used to tell me before he passed on, God bless his soul. Daddy used to tell me to, ‘never ever let another person live rent free in your mind for more than a minute’. I never understood what he was sayin’ at the time but after meetin’ my fair share of men, excuse me dogs that were pretending to be men and after being in a fair amount of relationships, I think I understand what he was tryin’ to tell me.
You see, life is hard enough without lettin’ someone else bring chaos and confusion into it and before you let that happen, you let them go. Life is just too short, girlfriend. And never but never dwell on the fact that this person had that much effect on your life that you’re still thinkin’ about a situation that’s long gone. That’s why I don’t really have relationships anymore. What I have that serves me just as well is a good doctor who keeps me supplied with penicillin. See, the only thing I need from a man right through here is a good workout every now and then. And hell, I’d rather buy it straight up than to deal with all the bullshit of a rela
tionship. Shoot, I give them a hundred dollars, check their health card, make ‘em whisper they love me in my ear three or four times while they’re sexing me and I’m good to go. And I’m not chinchy either. If a multiple orgasm comes into play, I just might tip ‘em. But please don’t call me afterwards. I’ll call you in a month or so if I need some more. And that way, I don’t have to entertain the silly games and constant bullshit. Now what’s your story, Sill? C’mon, you can tell me. We’re family. Besides, I’m nosy as hell and the suspense is drivin’ me crazy.”
“There’s really nothing to tell, Laurie,” Sill lied.
“Okay, well, at least tell me this. Was he messin’ with drugs?”
“No, not that I know of but then there was a lot I didn’t know. No, he was a professor of Civil Engineering at Morehouse,” she replied.
“Then, he must have been married,” Laurie concluded.
“No, he wasn’t married,” Sill said wishing the guessing game would stop.
“Then, he had to be gay,” Laurie ventured, finally.
Sill dropped her head. They had been sitting in front of the apartment for a good twenty minutes and Sill saw no better time to get out than now.
“Help me grab the bags,” she said as she popped the trunk. “I’ll tell you about it later.”
“That bad?” Laurie infused.
“That bad,” Sill replied.
Laurie helped Sill grab the shopping bags and made their way into the apartment.
“Ooh girl, this is nice. I love the skylight and it’s so spacious. You should see mine. If you hold your arms out and turn around, you can hit all four walls,” Laurie said as she walked from room to room. “So, go ahead, tell me about Mr. Softee.”
