by Carrie Elks
As they left the room, Kitty ran towards the two brothers. Their father reached them at the same time, trying to pull them apart. ‘Adam, please, stop this,’ she begged. ‘It’s not worth it.’ She grabbed his arm, holding tightly onto his bicep. ‘Whatever happened between you, whatever happened in Colombia, it isn’t worth it.’
Adam turned to look at her, the fury still on his face. ‘Did you know about this movie too?’
She felt as though all the breath had been knocked out of her. Everett took advantage of Adam’s inattention to slide out from under him, running to the back wall and putting space between them. Slowly, she released Adam’s arm, allowing him to stand. She opened her mouth to say something.
But the words didn’t come out.
‘I was going to tell you,’ she finally said. ‘Tomorrow, I was going to tell you tomorrow.’
He looked disgusted. ‘How long have you known?’
She bit her lip to swallow her sob. ‘Not long. A few days. I’m so sorry.’
A mixture of confusion and anger formed on Adam’s face. ‘Did you know about this when you were at the cabin the other night?’ he asked her. ‘Did you know about it when you were in my bed? Did you know about it when I held you in my arms?’
‘You’re fucking my brother?’ Everett asked. ‘Jesus Christ, what the hell’s going on around here?’
Everything was still for a moment. Nobody said a word. Kitty could hear the whistle of her blood as it rushed past her ears, her pulse beating a rapid tune. Everybody was looking at her. Adam, Everett, their parents. Even Mia. She turned to see Annie standing in the doorway, her mouth dropped open.
Adam shook his head, still staring at her with a furious look. Then he pushed his way past her, his shoulder moving her out of the way, stalking past Annie and into the hallway without saying a word.
‘Adam!’ Kitty shouted, turning on her heel to follow him out. By the time she made it to the hallway he was halfway out the door. She ran after him in her sweater and her slippers, out of the door and onto the porch, down the stairs and onto the snow-covered lawn. ‘Adam, wait.’
‘Leave me alone.’ His strides were long and determined. ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’
‘Adam, please, let me explain. I’m so sorry.’ She had to run to catch up with him. The snow was gathering inside her slippers, the chill air wrapping its wintry fingers around her skin. It only took a moment for the shivers to wrack her body. She reached out for his arm, trying to slow him down, but he shrugged her off.
‘Get off,’ he told her. ‘Go back to the house, I don’t want you here.’
She stopped running, her feet sinking into the snow as she stood, watching him walk away. She wrapped her arms around her waist, trying to stop herself from shaking, but it was futile. As he walked to the treeline, she saw him become smaller and smaller, until his distant figure was swallowed up by the forest. And then she was alone, all alone, in a stranger’s backyard, in a strange land, wondering what the hell she should do next.
29
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now
– Julius Caesar
Kitty walked through the open front door, her whole body shaking. Silently, she wiped away the tears falling down her cheeks. Everett and Mia were standing in the hallway, staring at her as she walked inside. Her feet were like ice, her sheepskin slippers sodden and cold. Even kicking them off did nothing to warm her skin.
‘I should find Jonas,’ she said, not able to meet their eyes.
‘No you don’t.’ Everett put a hand on her shoulder, halting her escape. ‘My parents have taken him upstairs. We need to talk.’
What a terrible thing for a child to witness, especially on Christmas Day. She wanted to talk to Jonas, tell him it wasn’t his fault. That his uncle was angry, but he didn’t mean it.
None of them did.
‘We think you should leave, Kitty. I’ve asked Drake to pack your things. He should be down in a few minutes.’ Mia was wringing her hands together, her eyes downcast.
‘What?’ Kitty was incredulous. ‘You want me to leave now? But it’s Christmas Day. Where will I go?’
‘Drake will drive you to the airport. There’s a flight back to LA today. You should just about make it.’
She opened her mouth to protest, but really, what was there to protest about? She messed everything up. She’d failed Adam, she’d failed Jonas, and she’d failed her boss. Nobody wanted her here, that much was clear.
‘Can I at least say goodbye to Jonas?’ she asked. Her voice felt as rough as sandpaper.
‘I don’t think that’s wise. He’s upset enough as it is, you don’t want to make things worse.’ Everett shook his head.
She thought of Adam, stalking back to his cabin, all alone. ‘What about your brother? Who’s going to tell him?’
‘Adam’s a big boy, he can look after himself. I’m more worried about Jonas,’ Mia said. ‘We trusted you, and you betrayed us.’
‘I’m sorry…’
Everett sighed. ‘If you’re really sorry, you’ll leave quietly and without a fuss.’
He was right, she knew he was. She might not have caused this, but her presence had somehow made it ten times worse. And upstairs a little boy was sobbing, because his Christmas was completely ruined.
His wasn’t the only heart that was breaking, either.
‘OK,’ she agreed, ‘I’ll go. But please tell Jonas I said goodbye.’
‘Very well.’ Everett nodded his head. She had no idea if he would, or if he was just humouring her.
Drake came walking down the stairs, carrying her suitcases in either hand. ‘Shall I take these straight out to the car?’ He was asking Everett, not her.
Kitty felt her face heat up at the thought of Drake packing her things. A mixture of embarrassment and indignation washed through her. She opened her mouth to say something and closed it again. She was already standing on precarious ground, she didn’t dare make things worse.
‘Yes, take the Escalade,’ Everett agreed. ‘You need to get a move on, the plane’s due to leave in a few hours.’
Kitty followed Drake wordlessly out of the house, not bothering to look back or say anything. There really wasn’t anything left to say, and even if there was, Everett didn’t want to hear it. She was alone again, and on her way back to an empty apartment in a city without mercy.
Without the man who had filled her soul with hope.
She cried all the way to the highway. Drake drove stoically, trying to ignore her distress, but she could tell by his expression how uncomfortable he was. So she kept as quiet as she could, save for the occasional sob, which she covered with her hand. Her eyes were trained out of the window, at the slush-filled ditches to the side of the road. Covered with a layer of black exhaust soot, they were a testament to the supremacy of man over nature.
It took almost two hours to get within reach of Dulles Airport. Even on Christmas Day it was a hive of activity, cars screeching across lanes, red lights flashing on and off. Impatient, angry people forgetting that this was the day of goodwill to all men.
Kitty’s phone rang as Drake steered right into the departures lane, and he glanced at her for the first time, his face a picture of pity. Was that what she had become? Somebody to be pitied?
Lucy’s name flashed across the screen, and Kitty tried to bite down the disappointment. There was only one name she really wanted to see, and as she didn’t even have his phone number, and certainly never gave him hers, it was unlikely it would ever be Adam calling.
‘Hello?’
‘Happy Christmas, honey. Why aren’t you on Skype? We were all waiting for you?’
In the midst of the craziness she’d forgotten about her family and their planned Christmas Skype. ‘I can’t call you right now.’ She started to cry again. ‘I’m in a mess.’
‘What’s happened?’ Lucy sounded alarmed. ‘Are you ill? Has someone hurt you?’
From the corner of her eye she could see Drake staring
straight ahead, desperately trying not to listen to her call, but it was impossible for him not to hear every word she said.
‘I’ve been fired.’
‘What? On Christmas Day? What kind of arseholes would do that?’
‘The kind of arseholes I work for.’ She sobbed again, tears rolling down her cheeks and onto the phone. ‘I’m on my way to Dulles airport.’
‘Why are you going there?’ Lucy sounded confused.
‘I’m flying back home to LA.’
‘On Christmas Day?’ Lucy’s bemusement was replaced by incredulity.
It sounded ridiculous, Kitty knew. Like some kind of gothic melodrama. What a mess.
‘It looks that way.’
‘But you’ll be all alone for the holidays. That’s awful.’
Kitty sniffed. ‘I need to be alone,’ she told her sister. ‘I don’t really want to talk to anybody right now.’
‘What happened?’ Lucy asked. ‘Why did they fire you?’
‘Can I tell you later?’ Kitty asked. ‘I’m in a car right now. I just want to go home, have a shower, and pour myself a big glass of wine.’
She really, really didn’t want to talk to anybody right now, and she definitely didn’t want to share the whole sordid story in front of Drake, no matter how interested he seemed at her conversation with her sister.
‘OK,’ Lucy agreed softly, her voice full of concern. ‘But make sure you call me when you can. I’m worried about you.’
‘You don’t need to be.’
‘I’m your big sister, of course I need to be.’
‘I’ll call you soon. Goodbye, Lucy.’
‘Goodbye, sweetie, take care of yourself.’
Kitty slid her thumb across the screen to end the call, and rested her head on the cold glass window beside her as Drake pulled the car into the drop-off lane.
So that was that then, the end of her time here, the end of Christmas, and the end of her and Adam.
If only she could end the pain squeezing around her broken heart.
30
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break
– Macbeth
Everywhere he looked there were reminders of her. The box by the fireplace where they’d first put the puppy, a cardigan she’d left behind on the back of a dining chair. A glass, still lipstick-stained, that he couldn’t even bring himself to touch. He was afraid he’d squeeze it hard enough to break it.
The way his own heart had shattered.
He couldn’t even face going into his bedroom. He’d tried, but the door only opened a crack before he could smell her fragrance – a sweet floral scent that made his stomach clench – and he’d slammed the door firmly shut.
Jesus, what was he supposed to do with himself? He paced up and down the small room, his body as tense as a caged animal, his hands fisted tight. He stopped by the fireplace again, closing his eyes for a moment, remembering the way she’d looked at him as he’d told her he didn’t want her. Her eyes were watery, reflecting the green of the forest behind him, and her lip trembled until she stilled it with her teeth.
And then he got to thinking about the meal. The way everybody knew apart from him. The way they all hid the truth from him as though he didn’t matter. The way she’d sided with his brother when he needed her the most.
He was going to be sick. He ran to the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet, but nothing came out. Just a dry retch that made his guts ache the same way his heart did. He lay there for a while, his cheek pressed against the cool floor tiles, before he finally stood and cleaned his mouth and his face. His reflection stared back at him – dark eyes rimmed with red, mouth twisted into a scowl – and he barely recognised himself.
Every now and again he’d look out of the window, his eyes scanning the treeline to see if anybody was coming. Did he want her to come? Hell no. Was he disappointed she didn’t? Damn right he was.
He wanted to give her another piece of his mind. Tell her that her lies had cut him like a knife, only he didn’t think these wounds would heal. No, that was wrong. He wanted to show her that she didn’t affect him at all. That she was just a convenient piece of ass, almost hand delivered to him for Christmas.
If only that were true.
Later, after a run that did nothing to calm his brain, he collapsed in front of the fireplace, ignoring the way even the rug smelled of her. He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing only through his mouth, and before he knew it, he’d drifted into a restless sleep. One that made him sweat like crazy and yet still wake up freezing. One that gave him no peace at all.
He wasn’t sure he’d ever find it again.
It was as though the whole of LA had decided to shut up shop for Christmas. As the taxi made its way through the city streets, past the lit-up houses and the closed-up shops, she was surprised at how empty the normally blocked roads were. For the first time ever, her journey from the airport to her home took less than half an hour. Just when she’d be happy for the distraction to continue, the cab pulled up at her Melrose apartment.
She paid the driver and pulled her cases up to the front door, tapping her electronic key against the pad to let herself in. She checked their small metal mailbox before calling for the elevator – taking out the pile of mail that had accumulated during their absence.
Her room-mates had gone home for the holidays. When she let herself inside, the place smelled a little stale, as though the air had stayed still for too long.
Flicking on a light, she dragged her cases into the living area – a small space only just big enough to fit a single sofa inside. Taking the pile of letters in her hand she sat down heavily on the cushions, letting her head fall back onto the sofa for a moment.
What a day. No, what a month. The last time she’d been in here was just before she left for West Virginia, her mind full of showreels and assignments, not to mention that internship she still hadn’t got. Speaking of which, a quick sort through the letters revealed another two rejection notes. Way to make her day even worse than it already was.
Not that it could really get much worse. In the history of bad Christmases, this had quickly found its way to the top, eclipsing even the first Christmas Day after her mother had died. At least then she’d been surrounded by family – celebrating the day with her sisters and their father.
Today she was completely and absolutely alone.
And it hurt like hell.
She couldn’t let herself think about him. If she did, she knew the tears would start to fall, and if they started, she wasn’t sure they’d ever stop. She only had to remember the way he’d looked at her just before he turned and made his way back towards the forest to want to cry all over again. He’d stared at her as though she’d stabbed him through the heart with the sharpest of knives.
Maybe she had.
She couldn’t blame him for walking away. She’d betrayed him in the worst kind of way. She’d told herself she was lying to him for his own good, that she’d give him the gift of Christmas Day with his family before telling him about the movie script she’d seen.
But the fact was, it was herself she was protecting. In the end it had taken a seven-year-old boy to do what she couldn’t – to tell Adam the truth about Everett’s plans.
She was so ashamed.
Later, when it felt as though the rest of the world must be sound asleep, Kitty found herself firing up her laptop and typing in his name. So much for not thinking about him. She watched as the search results filled the page, clicking on a link to a video interview with him.
And there he was, in full, glorious detail, the man she’d fallen for, the man she’d hurt. He looked so very different, and yet familiar. In the frozen frame he was beardless, his hair styled in an easy mop, his eyes crinkled the way they did when he smiled.
Damn, she missed his smile.
Even though she knew it was masochistic, she moved the cursor with her mouse, clicking play o
n the video. It came on to full screen, with Adam sitting cross-legged in a chair, answering the questions posed to him by the interviewer.
‘Did you always want to make documentaries?’
Adam smiled. ‘No, it was something I fell into. I started off studying to become a director. My brother and I had this plan that we were going to be some kind of major force in the film world, with him producing movies and me directing them. But I guess the Coen brothers have nothing to be worried about any more.’ He gave an easy laugh.
From the notes on the video, this interview was at least two years old. She couldn’t tell how old he was here. But his reference to his brother told her that it was made when the two of them were still at least on good terms with each other.
