by Lily White
”If that’s what you want.”
“It is.”
Turning away from her, my hands curled into fists, the tension along my spine unbearable. The air in the room was stifling despite the frigid temperature. “You should do what pleases you, Eve. It is not your place to abide my every desire.”
“But that is what you taught me.”
Turning back, I couldn’t help the sharp edge to my voice. “Then it’s something you need to forget.”
She cowered at the sound, dropping to her knees on the floor and pressing her forehead to the ground. I was surprised she didn’t have permanent marks on her head for as often as it met the floor.
“Please. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m loyal to you, Elijah. I’m yours.”
You own me, Jacob…
Images flashed through my head: her hands tied to a bedpost, her lips spread on a seductive moan … her eyes, dull and lifeless, the shock still written into the last expression she ever wore. I shook away the nightmares, the memories that I’d absolved when I’d sworn my loyalty to God.
“Eve, stand up. If you want to please me then stand up. The only being you should bow before is God. And I can promise you I’m not him.” My words shook with my rage. Rage at how twisted this poor woman’s head had become. Rage at my brother for having been the one to twist her thoughts into this chaotic, sordid mess.
“Stand up and follow me into the kitchen. You need food. You need water. You need -”
My words cut off, the last bit of patience inside me wearing thin. My first instinct was to grab her arm and force her up, but that wasn’t what she needed. Her only hope of breaking through the fog created by Jericho’s actions was for her to learn the truth about her life, about God.
She needed to think for herself. It was imperative that she understood her decisions were her own, not another person’s.
Trusting your life to another person was not only foolish, but dangerous. I knew first hand the tragic mistakes that could happen with too much trust in another.
Cassandra had died by my hands.
Only because she’d trusted me too much.
Slowly, Eve pulled herself from the floor, her robe swishing around her legs giving hints of the flesh below. Keeping control over my gaze, I forced myself to look away. I had nothing to say to her, nothing that would help her. Despite the belief that I’d been saved, I was being reminded that I still was weak, as weak as I’d always been.
Without speaking, I led Eve out of my bedroom, through the church and to the large kitchen where I’d first spotted her through the window that morning. Passing by the small breakfast nook, I motioned to the chairs. “Sit down. I’ll make us something to eat.”
“I can cook.”
I turned to look at her, my eyes drifting to where her robe hung open revealing the upper swell of her breasts. Beneath the white satin, I could see that her nipples were hard and I groaned at the sight.
Lust tingled within my veins, sending blood to areas that would be dangerous for us both.
Shaking away the sudden need, I returned my attention to the stove, flicking on the gas burners. I wanted to hold my hand over the flame, to punish myself for seeing this girl in the same light as I’d seen all the others before giving myself to God.
My voice came out strained. “As faint as you are, I don’t believe standing over an open flame would be in your best interests.”
“I’m feeling better. I’m not sure what happened earlier, but I can manage cooking something for us to eat.”
Standing from her chair, she crossed the room and attempted to pull the spoon from my hand. Refusing to release it, I turned to face her, my heart racing to see how close she stood. Her neck was arched so that her face was angled up, her full lips slightly parted.
I stepped back, pulling the spoon from her weak grip, ignoring the brush of her fingers against mine.
“No, Eve. You’ll sit down at the table.” Strengthening the tone of my voice, I ordered, “Do as I say.”
Her eyes widened and I inwardly scolded myself for taking advantage of her condition - hated myself for enjoying the submission she gave.
Telling myself that commanding her worked, that it was for her own good, I only slightly eased the guilt I felt inside.
I had to get Eve to a point where she was thinking for herself, but in order to do that, I needed her to stop freaking out over every perceived rejection.
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing, Eve.”
“I’m…”
I looked at her and saw that her face was red from how hard she struggled to hold back tears. Breathing out my frustration, and remembering that it was my place to lead her to the light, I moved to her side, kneeling down so I could take her hand and look her in the eye.
“I appreciate your obedience. However, your attempts at second-guessing my judgment are frustrating. You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m not mad at you. I’m not sending you away and you’re not going to be punished for anything. Do you understand?”
Whispering on broken breath, she answered, “Yes.”
“Good.”
Standing without speaking more than that one word, I returned to the stove, stirring the beef stew I was preparing for our meal. We remained in silence even as I placed the bowls on the table and sat down. After grabbing her spoon, she hissed out a breath, pushing at the stew in her bowl. The color drained from her face at the sight of the food.
“What’s wrong?” The metallic clang of my spoon dropping to the table accented my question. Reaching across the table, I touched her arm, attempting to determine what had scared her so violently.
She looked up at me with accusation in her eyes, the fear in her expression so obvious that I looked behind myself to see if some threat lurked nearby.
Not seeing anything, I looked back at her, noticing how she stared directly at me.
“Why are you giving this to me? What are you trying to do?”
She didn’t scream the words or even speak them loudly. Her voice was barely a whisper when she asked her questions. There was no emotion to them. Only pain.
“Because you need to eat.”
I thought it was a simple answer, but based on her continued behavior, there was obviously something much deeper that was occurring. “Tell me what’s wrong, Eve. I don’t know what the problem is.”
“Meat.” Dropping her spoon so that it clattered loudly against the bowl, she continued, “You’re serving me something that is unclean. Why are you doing this to me, Elijah?”
It all clicked.
Understanding and comprehension collided like thunder in my head, the realization of what my brother had done.
“How long has it been since you’ve eaten meat?” Waving off my own question, I asked, “What do you normally eat?”
She looked at me like I’d grown a third head, but finally swallowed down whatever it was she was feeling. “The same as the rest of the family. The vegetables we grow, the bread we bake. I’m free of the flesh of animals, of the blood of anything but what God has created within me. You were the one that taught me that.”
That wasn’t biblical, not even something written into dogma. That was classic conditioning used by a predator.
I’d learned in college that there are many ways to control a mass populace. Cult leaders, prisons, the armed forces and other groups have used these tactics in the past and continue to use them to make those they want to control more malleable. Take away protein and B-12 by taking away meats, nuts and other foods necessary for the proper function of the brain.
After enough time they have people who are not only physically tired, but mentally as well. It’s an element of brainwashing that makes a person more open to suggestion, more willing to believe the lies they are being told.
Breathing out heavily, I released her arm and sat back in my chair. I needed to make changes for her and I wasn’t sure how much time I had before Jericho arrived to collect her.<
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If I could convince her before that time, she stood a chance of escaping the sick community he’d created. But if he arrived beforehand, I was afraid there was nothing I could do to keep her from returning to him.
“I want to establish some new rules, Eve, and I want to start with you. You can be an example. I want to teach you these new rules away from the others. It’s why I’m keeping you here.”
It was a horrendous lie, one for which I would pray for forgiveness later. But it was necessary and that fact was obvious when she smiled shyly, the glow of hope peeking out from behind her eyes.
“What are the new rules?”
I stared at her for a few seconds wondering how quickly she would be able to integrate herself to a new way of life, to a non-jaded system of beliefs. “The first rule is that I want you to refer to me as Jacob. I’m not Elijah any longer, and that’s not how I want you to address me.”
Her eyes blinked slowly and she appeared as if she would resist. Rather than arguing, she simply opened her full lips and said, “I can do that. Will my name change as well?”
Remembering when she first spoke to me, I reminded her of her former name. “I want to call you Sedra again, not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because I was wrong.”
“No.” She shook her head, reaching out to grab my hand. “You can’t be wrong.”
She was so loyal, she would do anything, or be anything, I wanted.
Twelve years earlier, she would have been the perfect woman. One who looked to me for direction, who trusted blindly and would hand over every part of herself if that’s what I asked her to do.
The faint brush of memory trickled along my spine. Images of the woman who would never say no to me, who allowed me to take her to places that most women would never see in their lifetime.
It was complete surrender, absolute submission; a woman placing her life into the hands of a man she believed she could trust.
And I failed that woman.
I wouldn’t make the same mistake again.
“I can be wrong. Everybody but God himself can be wrong.”
“Not you…”
Standing up from my chair, I rounded the small table, placing my finger against her trembling lip. “Yes, Sedra, even me. Man is fallible. All men. Even me.”
She attempted to speak again, the soft brush of her lip against the pad of my finger stealing the breath from my lungs. It was erotic, that one small movement that sent chills across my skin, my muscles tightening until they felt like steel.
Her eyes were hypnotic, both of us becoming lost to a moment that was wrong, facing an eventuality that could never be. I’d sworn a vow. I would not break it for any woman, especially one that was the perfect example of innocence.
Clearing my throat, I attempted to speak again, but was unable to force my voice any louder than a whisper. “I want you to become strong, to understand the truth of not only good, but also evil. There is an entire world you don’t know and I’ve been wrong for keeping you from that.”
I was also wrong for lying to her, but I’d convinced myself that the possible result could be worth the sin I was committing.
“You need to eat. There is nothing written that says meat will hurt you. God gave us animals to use as we see fit. Some are for companionship, others for sustenance. Your body needs the protein, the iron, the vitamins and the minerals that come from all forms of food. You need to eat regularly. You need to be strong in both body…” Stroking my hand up her arm, I raised it to tap my finger against the side of her head. “…And mind.”
Hesitantly, she smiled, the expression sad despite the acceptance I could see in her eyes. “I’ll eat whatever you give me.”
“Thank you.”
I wanted to correct her behavior, to tell her that she could think for herself, but at that point, getting her to comply and strengthen her body was enough to satisfy me.
Stepping away, I sat in my chair watching as she took a bite of the stew. She didn’t seem sure at first, but she moaned as if it were the best thing she’d tasted in years. Hunger took over and her spoon moved quickly to shovel down the food.
When she finished, she pushed the bowl aside, drinking from her glass of water to wash it down. A small burp escaped her stomach, her face turning bright red with embarrassment.
I couldn’t help myself. I laughed.
“You liked it. That’s good. Would you like more?”
She shook her head no before picking up her napkin and wiping her mouth. “Excuse me for burping.” Another flash of color flared across her cheeks.
While finishing my own bowl, I heard her yawn from across the table. Looking up, I asked, “Are you tired? I’m almost finished and it would be best for both of us to retire for the night. I have work to do tomorrow, but you are welcome to assist me if you’d like.”
“I’ll be up before daybreak.”
Shaking my head in disbelief, I redirected her thinking. “No. There’s no need for that. You need to rest. Sleep as long as you like, Sedra.”
Her response further verified what Jericho had done to control the people beneath him.
When a person was denied fuel, denied sleep, denied the basic requirements necessary for energizing their bodies, their minds became more susceptible to suggestion. It was classic psychology mixed with the knowledge of biology, a method used by monsters to confuse and corral the people they hoped to disadvantage.
Standing, I held my hand out to her, ignoring the spark that shot along my arm when she accepted and our palms met.
Leading her through the building back to her bedroom, I cherished the silence between us. Her presence was chaos in my head. Her voice - the reverence and loyalty that it denoted - only made that chaos more powerful.
Reaching her door, I opened it, allowing her to step through before I looked her over one more time.
“Sleep, Sedra. Tomorrow we’ll go over your new way of life. It will be better for you in the long run.”
She nodded her agreement even though there was still the touch of suspicion and confusion in her expression. Silently, I nodded back, closing the door until the snick of the handle was the only thing I heard echoing down the hall.
Walking back through the church, I ensured that all the doors and windows were locked, eventually retiring to my own room in the adjacent rectory. After stripping down and hanging up my clothes, I showered, dragging the towel through my damp hair as I walked into my room to put on a pair of pajama bottoms.
Dead silence surrounded me when I knelt beside my bed to pray. Thoughts raced through my head of Sedra, of her body and of her mind. She was the perfect temptation, my body reacting painfully to the strain of not touching her, of not reverting back to the mistakes I’d made as a younger man.
Thinking of my vows, I found myself whispering them aloud, strengthening them somehow by repeating them into the silence of the room.
Those prayers slowly faded into memories - into thoughts of the present.
I didn’t notice my hand moving down until I was palming myself over my pants. I didn’t stop myself when I gave into the temptation of pulling myself free of the restrictive material.
Swollen from lust and sensitive to touch, my hips bucked as soon as my palm wrapped around the tight skin.
Stroking myself, I couldn’t help the memories: Candlelight sliding along slick leather, light flashing off the silver rings and pulls. The perfect curve of her breast as her back arched, the tips meeting my lips.
Cassandra would always beg, small whimpers and moans meant to seduce me into action.
Now, the memories that had been locked away reemerged with vicious speed. My hand moved forcefully. My guilt threatening to drown me where I knelt by the bed.
Even more than those past phantoms were the images in my head of another body – of Sedra’s body – wet in the tub as I bathed her. The knowledge that she was so close didn’t help silence the powerful need that forced its way violently through my veins.
&
nbsp; My lips drifted apart on a moan, but I opened my eyes to the cross that hung on my wall.
What I was doing was wrong. Apprehension filled me, fear that I’d take another life with the desires that fueled my darkness. I was losing control of myself and I pulled my hand away, my breath hissing over my lips at the pain the lack of a release had caused.
My eyes trained on the cross, I gripped the blankets in front of me to keep my hand from finishing myself off.
Pleading into the silence, I begged.
“God help me.”
EVE
But she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives. 1 Timothy 5:6
Dreams became nightmares on my first night in this new place. Sleep crept out of my reach at least once an hour, my eyes peeking open each time to find the dimly lit room where Jacob had left me.
One small light worked hard to illuminate the space, but only served to cast shadows over the desk and chair to its right. The cross above the light was the only thing truly visible and I wondered if its placement had been deliberate or merely another coincidence that proved the existence of divinity. The rest of the room was bathed in shadow so dark that where the light was able to touch, it seemed like a portal between two very different realities.
Tossing and turning on my bed, sticky sweat covered my skin. I kicked the blankets away from me. I was too hot. Too…needy?
Even the soft cloth of the robe Jacob had given me was too warm to bear.
Untying the sash, I allowed the two sides to drift open and away from my body.
“Now that is a beautiful sight.”
I jumped, my heart leaping into my throat, my breath catching so suddenly it hurt.
His words were not spoken loudly. They broke the silence on a whisper. I strained to see him, but there was nothing except the outline of a desk and chair - the brightly lit cross on the wall.
“Jacob?”
“Is that what you call me now?”
Spoken slowly, the deep, rolling lilt of his voice placed emphasis on each word.
Shaking my head, I was so puzzled by names that I thought I’d lost touch with my own identity somehow; transformed into his destiny only to be reverted back to who I’d been before.
