Her stomach clenched as he neared. She didn't fearhim, just his arguments. He was a man used to debating, and winning, and this was one issue on which she had to stand firm. "I made the decision to leave, to end our affair, for myselfand for you."
He stopped two feet away, the heat and energy radiating off him nearly palpable. "How… considerate of you. But what makes you believe I want us to end?"
There was the rub in their situation. Right now, he was so caught up in the physical aspect of their relationship, the new and fresh emotions of love, that he didn't want the euphoria to end. Neither did she, but she was a realist and knew better, and sustaining what was between them now into the distant future was another matter altogether. And too huge a risk to her heart.
Before she could formulate a response, his gaze narrowed and he continued in a demanding tone. "I want reasons, Jessica. Are you ending things because I'm a divorce attorney?"
His question wasn't unwarranted. From the first time she'd met him at Brooke's cabin a year ago she'd clung to that excuse to keep her attraction to him at bay. She'd been successful, until this month. During the course of the past four weeks, she'd discovered all her preconceived notions about him, about lawyers, had been a defense. She'd always felt the need to blame someone for destroying her family, and blaming her father, and his attorney, had been the easiest route.
There was so much more to Ryan than his profession, and that's what made her choice so difficult. She'd seen many facets to his personality, and beneath the charm and flirtatious manner was a good, kind, caring man. One who enjoyed his family and friends, but ultimately loved his job.
She shook her head in answer to his question, and tried to explain. "No, it's not because you're a divorce attorney, but your career, your ambition and drive, don't leave much room in your life for a committed relationship." The stable, secure kind of relationship she needed.
"How do youknow that?"
The challenge was unmistakable, and she couldn't help but think of what a formidable opponent he'd be in the courtroom. "I've seen your dedication to your job. I know where you're heading in your firm, and what it's going to take to get there. Long hours. Personal sacrifices. Possibly no extra time to nurture a new relationship. Can you deny that?"
He stared at her for a long, hard moment, then exhaled a harsh breath. "No, I can't deny any of that, but I'm willing to find some kind of balance."
"Well, I can't risk that you might not be able to find that balance, that your goals won't mesh with what I need from a relationship, and that you'll decide after a few months or a year that it's so much easier and simpler remaining single and unattached. Which brings us back to ending our relationship now, before things get any more complicated."
"I love you, Jessica," he said, frustration and tenderness mingling in his voice. "That's about as complicated as it gets."
Her knees nearly buckled at the declaration, made in the light of morning. She didn't doubt his sincerity, not for one second, but the emotional blackmail was excruciating. "I know you do."
He shook his head in confusion. "Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
She couldn't answer him, because his love meant too much. Rejecting it was the most difficult thing she'd ever had to do.
A low, frustrated sound erupted from his chest, and he spun around and paced to the other side of the small living room. Then he abruptly stopped and turned back to face her. "I get it now," he said, a dawning realization touching his features. "You're leavingme before I can leaveyou, aren't you?"
Her heart thudded in her chest, and she moved away from the door, but kept her distance from Ryan. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Don't you?" A dark brow winged upward. "I'm talking about the fact that you're scared I'll leave you at some point in our relationship, so you're doing it first. It's easier for you not to invest your emotions and not to believe what I feel for you is real, than to trust that I won't hurt you."
She bristled defensively. "You can't make that kind of promise."
"Can anyone?" he countered. He waited a tension-filled minute for her to answer. Then he smiled grimly. "Judging by your silence, I'm taking it that you agree the answer is no. Which means that although you're afraid of being abandoned and alone, that's exactly where you'll stay, because no man will be able to make you that promise. The only guarantee I can give you is how I feel about you. The rest is up to you to trust me."
Despite loving him, she wasn't sure she had the strength and emotional fortitude to put her faith in his hands. Doubts and uncertainties overwhelmed her, tugging her in two different directions. Hot, scalding tears burned her eyes, and she valiantly blinked them back. She pressed her fingers to her trembling lips and turned away so he wouldn't witness her insecurities, even though he knew every single one of them.
A long moment passed, and she flinched when she heard the front door open then close behind Ryan, leaving her completely and utterly alone. The quiet and solitude wrapping around her was absolute, more so than it had ever been.
* * *
He'd done all he could. Ryan knew that, but it didn't stop him from replaying his conversation with Jessica over and over in his mind, scrutinizing the rebuttals he'd issued to her arguments, trying to figure out what he could have said to sway her, to make her realize his intentions were pure.
There was nothing else he could do. The realization was tough to swallow. For the first time in his life he felt utterly defeated, not over a case, but a woman. A very special, beautiful, sassy, stubborn woman. He'd given Jessica factual evidence of his devotion, not only in words, but in actions, and none of his efforts had made a difference.
Unable to concentrate on the speech he needed to write for tonight's surprise party for Brooke and Marc, he set his pen aside and scrubbed both hands down his face. The knot in his chest hadn't abated since he'd walked out of Jessica's apartment, and he doubted he'd find relief any time soon. Especially not tonight, when he'd be so close to Jessica, but unable to touch her, tease her, and revel in the fact that she was exclusively his.
He'd never intended to fall in love with her, but she'd shown him what was missing from his life… love, laughter, and shared intimacies with one very special person. True, he'd managed to remain uncommitted since he was eighteen, but he was coming to believe that being a bachelor hadn't been a conscious choice as much as not finding the right person to complement him.
Jessica complemented him, physically, emotionally, and intellectually, in a way that made her feel like his other half. His soul mate. A piece of himself that he hadn't known was missing until she'd entered his life. And deep inside, beneath layers of doubts and uncertainties instilled by a negligent father and an unstable childhood, he suspected that she felt the same.
With a weary sigh, he sat back in his chair and rolled the pen between his fingers. Despite his earlier debate with Jessica, he knew he couldn't force her into believing he'd never deliberately hurt her, or walk out on her without a backward glance. She had to realize his sincerity came straight from his heart, driven by an emotion that was turning out to be more painful than joyful.
After another half hour of brooding over his situation, Ryan resigned himself to the inevitable. There was nothing else he could do to convince Jessica of his love, except let her go. There was nothing else left to say… except goodbye.
And with that aching thought filling his head, he put pen to paper and wrote the toast to Brooke and Marc, using the speech as a way to congratulate the happy couple, put his own feelings down on paper, and issue a final farewell to Jessica.
Chapter 11
" S urprise!"a loud assembly of guests chorused as Brooke and Marc walked into Ryan's house right onschedule a half hour after everyone else had arrived.
Standing at the front of the group in the silky blue dress she'd bought for the occasion, Jessica watched as Brooke gasped and pressed a hand to her chest, her eyes wide with confusion. Beside her sister, Marc looked on with bemusem
ent as he helped Brooke take off her coat, seemingly unsure of what he and his wife had just stepped into.
Brooke's gaze found Jessica in the gathering of friends and family crowded in Ryan's foyer. "What's all this about?" she asked, bewilderment coloring her voice. Her fingers fluttered self-consciously down the front of her slim black dress, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles. "I thought this was a New Year's Eve party."
Ryan stepped forward before Jessica could respond, and her heart twisted painfully in her chest, adding to the constant ache she'd experienced since arriving two hours ago to help him with the last-minute preparations for the party. Despite what had transpired between them last night, and this morning, he'd been polite and cordial, almost indifferent, and whenever possible he'd kept his distance. He acted as if they'd never spent the past month getting to know each other. As if they'd never indulged in sensual fantasies andmade love last night. As if he'd never told her he loved her.
And even though Jessica acknowledged that it had been her choice to end their affair, that she'd been the one to drive him to such extreme measures, the distance he'd already established between them added to her misery. If she was fortunate, in another twenty years the memories they'd created together would no longer smother her. And she'd be able to say his name without feeling as though a piece of her soul had been ripped from her. And maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to live through a whole minute without being consumed by thoughts of him.
"Itis a New Year's Eve party," Ryan confirmed with an easy grin. He shook Marc's hand in greeting, then placed a chaste kiss on Brooke's cheek. "But it's also a surprise party for you and Marc since you had a small wedding and no reception."
Sentimental emotions touched Brooke's features, and she once again sought Jessica. "Did you know about this, Jess?"
She nodded, her throat too tight to speak.
"Actually, it was her idea," Ryan said, slipping his hands into the front pockets of his black trousers that complemented his black-and-beige pinstriped shirt. "I just supplied the house for the party."
He'd done more than that, and they both knew it. He'd been responsible for a good many of the decisions that had gone into the planning, from the decorations, to the menu, to the huge gift basket overflowing with sensual items, which was sitting on one of the tables laden with presents from the other guests.
"Well, you two shouldn't have," Marc said, though it was obvious he appreciated the gesture, as well.
Jessica forced a cheerful smile. "I wanted to do something special for the both of you." She enveloped each of them in a warm hug, then grabbed her sister's hand and tugged her toward the waiting guests. "Now come on in, and enjoy your evening."
Now that the guests of honor had arrived, the party atmosphere turned lively, loud, and fun. Laughter and conversation filtered through the house, the buffet enticed people to eat, and Jessica did her best to have a good time and keep her gaze off Ryan. Yet out of sight was not out of her mind. And every time she thought about not seeing him after tonight, she felt herself die a little more inside.
A few hours later, everyone gathered in the living room to watch Brooke and Marc open their gifts. They received everything from kitchen appliances, to basic accessories, and other practical items. The sensual bathroom products she and Ryan had selected were a hit, and caused a bit of ribald teasing. While Marc fended off good-natured ribbing from the male guests, Jessica glanced across the room where she knew Ryan was standing, with his shoulder braced against the wall and a drink in hand.
Her breath caught when she found him watching her, a flicker of warmth in his eyes, as if he, too, was remembering the fun they'd had testing their own supply of those items. She recalled how incredibly patient he'd been with her… and she'd repaid him by rejecting his love.
He looked away when his sister, Natalie, came up to his side and said something to him. Ignoring the sense of loss settling over her, Jessica returned her attention to her sister and Marc, and was chagrined to realize that Brooke had caught the exchange between her and Ryan. Her sister's brow quirked curiously at her, and Jessica pretended not to understand the questioning look.
Once the gift opening was over, Jessica mingled with the guests,then met up with her sister, who was enjoying a slice of one of the cakes. Brooke took a bite of the confection and rolled her eyes heavenward as she savored the taste.
"Oh, wow, this cake isincredible," Brooke said, and held out a forkful to Jessica. "Do you want a bite?"
The dessert Brooke offered was the Better Than Sex Cake. Jessica suppressed a shiver of recollection and shook her head. She'd be so grateful when the evening was over and she could escape everything that reminded her of Ryan and the time they'd spent together.
She'd return to her quiet, lonely apartment and continue her quiet, lonely, solitary life, a little voice in the back of her mind taunted. Before she could stop herself, a painful sigh unraveled out of her,
Brooke tipped her head, regarding her with concern. "Hey, are you okay?"
"Sure. I'm great." Her voice vibrated with false lightness, and she added a quick smile as backup. "Why?"
"You just seem, well, upset about something." Brooke took another bite of the dessert, and seemed to contemplate Jessica's mood. "Did you and Ryan have an argument?"
Oh, yeah, a huge, life-altering one,
"I mean, you must have had to spend some time together while planning this surprise party," Brooke went on while finishing her cake. "And I know how the two of you are around each other. The air fairly crackles with tension when you're together. But now it seems like you're avoiding each other."
"Don't we always?" she quipped.
"Not like this, Jess. You'redeliberately avoiding each other, and despite your lawyer jokes and Ryan's teasing, that's never kept the two of youapart when you're in the same room." She set her plate aside. "Is something going on between the two of you?"
She wanted so badly to confide in her sister, but her emotions were in such turmoil, she didn't know where to begin, or what to say.
And then she lost the opportunity as theping, ping, ping of silver against crystal captured everyone's attention. The guests grew quiet, and all eyes turned to Ryan, who stood in the middle of the living room with a glass of champagne in his hand.
He smiled, but his eyes lacked their normal sparkle. "It's ten minutes tomidnight, and before we bring in the new year, I'd like for everyone to grab a drink so I can make a toast to Marc and Brooke."
It took nearly five minutes for family and friends to grab their choice of drink and settle back into the room. Once everyone was present, and Marc and Brooke were situated next to Ryan to receive his best-man speech, he cleared his throat and began.
"I've known Marc for quite a few years now, and I always thought he'd remain a bachelor forever, or at least that was his plan." Chuckles rippled through the small audience before Ryan continued. "When Marc fell in love with Brooke, I knew that she had to be a really special woman, one with a giving heart and the capacity to accept Marc for who and what he was. I knew she'd be the kind of woman who'd be his best friend through trials and triumphs. It is said that no man is complete until he finds the right woman to marry, and it's clear that Brooke has made Marc's life complete. Every man should be so fortunate."
Jessica stood behind Brooke and Marc, and belatedly realized her mistake in positioning herself so close to the bride and groom when Ryan's gaze subtly shifted to her. A frisson of awareness shot through her, and her insides began to tremble.
He didn't look away, and she couldn't either. "I've only been in love once, but I understand how powerful that emotion can be. I also know that there are times when love can be painful and trying, so I'd like to say a few things for you to keep in mind for the years ahead. Love without fear. Trust without questioning. Accept without change, and desire each other without inhibitions. Always believe in one another, and always have faith." He raised his flute of champagne to the happy couple, and everyone followed his lead. "Here's to
love and laughter, and your happily ever after."
"Hear, hear," the guests echoed jovially, and Jessica was hardly aware of someone next to her clinking their glass against hers as she watched Marc kiss her sister with the kind of the love and tenderness Ryan had shown her.
Emotions clamored in her chest, her mind spun, and she struggled to keep herself grounded. Tears tightened her throat and burned the back of her eyes. Though Ryan's toast was for Brooke and Marc, the profound words beckoned to her, and made her realize what she'd never, ever have in her life-love, laughter, and her own happily ever after.
"Hey, everybody," someone in the room called out. "It's the countdown tomidnight!"
The guests began counting down from ten, until finally the old year rolled into the new one and everyone cheered, hugged, and wished one another a happy new year.
Unable to participate in the ritual when she had absolutely nothing to celebrate, Jessica slipped from the room as inconspicuously as possible, taking her heartache with her.
* * *
Brooke found her in the downstairs study minutes later. Jessica barely had time to swipe the tears from her cheeks before her sister laid into her.
"Iknew something was going on between you and Ryan. He might have made that toast to Marc and me, but he was looking atyou, Jessica." Brooke crossed her arms over her chest, exerting her big-sister presence. "Out with it," she demanded.
Jessica didn't bother to pretend she didn't know what Brooke was referring to. This time, she let the floodgates open and told her sister about the past month with Ryan, how she'd seen such a different side to him than she'd always believed, how she'd fallen in love with him, and ultimately, how she doubted her ability to trust in him because of her fears.
Brooke grabbed her hands and gave them a gentle squeeze. "Ah, Jess, sometimes following your heart is one of the most difficult things you'll ever do."
Seduced Page 17
