The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  She laughed. ‘Not like that. This was to help out the new group I told you about. He modelled for our life drawing class.’

  ‘Oh. I see.’ Her mum pursed her lips as she took a sip of tea. ‘Well, you could do a lot worse. You’re getting close to the critical age when it comes to babies – I hope you realise that.’

  Robyn groaned. ‘Do we have to have this talk again, Mum?’

  ‘When we decided not to sell this house, Robyn, it was because we assumed it would be a family home for you in the near future. A single woman doesn’t need three bedrooms. We hoped you’d have filled them with children by now.’

  ‘I’m sorry that me and my womb are such a disappointment.’

  ‘Oh now, princess, don’t take it like that,’ her dad said, giving her a jiggle. ‘Your mum just means… well, we would like to see you settled, you know. All parents want that for their children, to see them happy with someone. And we must admit, we thought that day would have been here long before now.’

  ‘I didn’t do it on purpose, Dad. I just haven’t met the right person yet.’

  ‘We know that. But it might be time to start looking around you, don’t you think? Assessing your options?’

  ‘Ash, you mean,’ she said, scowling. ‘I’d have thought after what happened between me and him, I could at least count on you guys to take my side.’

  ‘We are on your side,’ her mum said. ‘But your dad’s right, Robyn, you’re running out of options. And from what you’ve told us, it sounds like Ashley is all done sowing his wild oats now. Maybe you should think about giving him another chance, eh? After all, he’s a handsome lad. Earns good money too.’

  ‘Catch of the century,’ Robyn muttered. ‘Mr Right, Mr Right Next Door – I mean, what’s the difference, as long as he’s fit, virile and solvent?’

  ‘Perhaps it is shallow to think only of those things, but you two were always such good friends.’ Tammy smiled. ‘I still remember the three of you playing naked in our garden that hot summer Grace and the boys first moved in. Innocent little souls.’

  ‘Yeah, it was all hunky dory till Ash ran off to Australia and started playing naked in the garden with a girl more than ten years younger than me.’ Robyn sighed. ‘That’s a big thing to just put behind me, Mum.’

  ‘Well, sweetheart, boys will always be boys at the end of the day, especially when they’ve got these young things throwing themselves at them. And you really don’t have too many—’

  ‘—too many options. You mentioned.’ She stared glumly into her tea. ‘I might just give up and get a cat.’

  ‘Oh no, Robyn. Not with my carpets.’

  Robyn snorted. ‘So my life options are, get back with Ash and start sprogging out so we’re not wasting the spare rooms, or find myself a landlord who’ll allow pets.’

  ‘There’s no need for sarcasm, young lady.’

  ‘Sorry, Mum. You know my sense of humour – like Dad’s, only worse.’ Robyn leaned over to give her a hug. ‘It really is nice to see you both. Let’s try not to fall out.’

  *

  But two days later, Robyn’s patience with her visiting parents was stretched to breaking point.

  ‘Mum, what the hell do you think you’re doing?’ she demanded when she came home from work to find her mother standing on a chair, taking down the curtains in the living room.

  ‘I’m putting the good curtains back up. I’m sorry, Robyn, but I can’t have these cheap things ruining the whole ambience of the room.’

  ‘But I like the blue ones. You and Dad are only here a couple of times a year. I’m the one who has to live in the place.’

  ‘That’s right, you do live in it,’ her mum said, shooting her a significant look. ‘And on a nominal rent, I might add.’

  ‘So it’s not my house is what you’re saying.’

  ‘It’s a family house, Robyn. And until you have a family of your own, that includes me and your father.’ She climbed down from the chair with the second curtain. ‘I just can’t bear to have people believing this is what we’ve been reduced to. Polyester curtains, I mean to say. Sweetheart, what could you have been thinking?’

  ‘Must’ve been a case of temporary insanity,’ Robyn muttered. ‘Fine, do what you like. Where’s Dad?’

  ‘Oh, I sent him upstairs to see if you had anything in your room that needed washing. He might as well make himself useful.’

  ‘Seriously, he’s in my room?’

  ‘We just want to help out while we’re here. I know it’s hard for you to stay on top of the chores when you’re working. Now, what shall I make for tea? I thought a lovely lentil lasagne.’

  ‘Er, no, not for me. I’ve arranged to eat at a friend’s.’

  ‘Oh.’ Her mum looked disappointed. ‘Well, that’s a shame. I thought it would be nice to have a family dinner.’

  ‘I know, sorry. I planned it months ago. I can’t really back out now when he – I mean, when she’s cooked and everything.’

  ‘I suppose not. What time are you going out?’

  ‘Now,’ Robyn said through a forced smile. ‘Right now. I’ll see you both later.’

  32

  Next door, Ash was in the living room, working on his Eurovision plan on the laptop.

  He flicked to Photoshop and gave the poster he’d just sent to the printer’s an approving glance. It featured a crowd shot of some of the most iconic Eurovision acts, from ABBA to Lordi, Katrina and the Waves to Conchita Wurst, in an impressive photo composite he’d spent ages on. They were mingling on a dance floor under a huge disco ball bearing the name of the event – THE ULTIMATE EUROVISION PARTY CHARITY EXTRAVAGANZA.

  ‘Will, can you get that?’ he called when there was a knock at the door. ‘I’m in the middle of something.’

  His brother came downstairs to answer it.

  ‘Oh. Hiya, Bloom,’ Will said in a voice Ash could tell had been elevated for his benefit. He snapped his laptop shut and swept various printouts relating to the event under the sofa.

  A second later, Will came in with Robyn.

  ‘Oh God, you guys have to save me,’ she said, pushing flustered fingers into her hair. ‘My parents are driving me crackers. Can I hang out here for a bit? Honestly, if you say yes you might be preventing an actual homicide.’

  Will smiled. ‘Come on, they can’t be that bad.’

  ‘My mum and dad, are you kidding? I’m going axe-murderer crazy over there. Me and my mum are locked in a turf war over the house.’

  ‘I think we can accommodate you,’ Ash said, shifting up on the sofa to make room for her. ‘It’s takeaway night if you want to join us.’ He glanced at his brother. ‘If that’s okay with the other householder, I mean.’

  ‘Course.’ Will summoned a smile. ‘You’re always welcome here, Bloomy. I’ll get some wine open.’

  He went into the kitchen and rested his head against a cupboard.

  Okay, Will. Be cool. Be normal. The weirder he seemed, the weirder things were going to be if Ash’s plan to win Robyn back did eventually succeed. He had to act natural around her – around the two of them – or she was really going to get suspicious.

  The thing was, while Ash’s winning-Robyn-back plan seemed to be coming on in leaps and bounds, Will’s own getting-over-Robyn plan wasn’t working at all. The more he tried to stay away from her, the more she haunted his thoughts, asleep and awake. Just to really make it tough, these days Dream Robyn was not infrequently dressed in a sequinned corset and fishnets.

  When he’d managed to calm his thundering pulse, Will poured two glasses of wine and took them into the living room.

  ‘You took your time,’ Ash said as Will handed them over. ‘Are you not having one yourself?’

  ‘No, not tonight. I want to keep a clear head.’

  ‘What for? It’s not a work night.’

  ‘Yeah, but there’s the wedding tomorrow. Don’t want to look rough in the photos, do I?’

  ‘One won’t hurt though. We’ve got a guest, it’s allowed.�
�

  ‘I’m okay, bruv. Not really in the mood.’

  ‘All right,’ Ash said, looking surprised. He turned to Robyn. ‘Tell us all about it then, Rob. What’s your mum done?’

  ‘It’s more what I’ve done,’ Robyn said, throwing herself back against the sofa. ‘Boys, the list of my crimes is long and unforgivable.’

  Will couldn’t help smiling. ‘Go on, what did you do?’

  ‘Oh, loads of terrible, terrible things. Changed the Laura Ashley living room curtains for cheap, nasty and worst of all un-colour-coordinated polyester. Failed to use my quickly shrivelling ovaries. Put the fish slice in the wrong drawer. And on top of all that, I dared to suggest I’d like to get a cat.’

  ‘Evil,’ Will said. ‘Pure evil. Still, I can’t say I’m surprised.’

  ‘I hope you’re ashamed of yourself,’ Ash said.

  ‘Disgusted.’ Robyn sighed and took a sip of her wine. ‘I mean, I know it’s their house. It is good of them to let me live in it for a pittance rent when they could just sell the place – I’d certainly never afford anywhere else decent. But it’s hard not to feel territorial when Mum sweeps in and starts acting like she owns the place.’

  ‘She does own the place,’ Will said.

  ‘Yeah, but I’m the one who has to live in it, aren’t I? Since they moved away, I’ve got used to thinking of it as my house.’

  ‘So what was she saying about your ovaries?’ Ash asked.

  ‘Just that I’m running out of options and should snap up the first man I bump into before I plunge headlong into the menopause. Currently scheduled for sometime next week, by her reckoning.’ Robyn laughed. ‘I mean, if either of you were up for it.’

  ‘Hmm,’ Ash said. ‘I’m not sure I can do it on command from your mum, Rob. Sorry.’

  ‘Join the club.’ She swallowed another welcome mouthful of wine. ‘So what takeaway were you guys having? I’ll pay. Least I can do after you gave me sanctuary.’

  ‘How about we pay and you can pick?’ Will said. ‘Sounds like you’ve had a rough few days.’

  Ash put his arm around her to give her a squeeze. ‘I’ll second that. You need some TLC.’

  ‘Well, all right,’ she said, too tired to argue. ‘But it’s my shout next time. Chinese sound good?’

  Chinese did sound good. Robyn phoned in their order. Half an hour later it arrived, and they ate off their knees in front of the TV. It was all very cosy, like old times, although Will seemed quiet.

  When she’d finished her food, Robyn sank back against the cushions.

  ‘This is nice,’ she said. ‘The three of us. I missed it.’

  ‘Me too,’ Ash said. Will stayed silent.

  ‘Mum was talking the other day about how we all played naked in the garden that summer you moved in. I’d forgotten about that, the water fights and Dad spraying us with the hose. Repressing, probably.’ She squeezed Will’s arm. ‘I’m glad we’re back to normal. I like you two being the Barnes twins.’

  ‘You fancy giving playing naked in the garden another go?’ Ash said. ‘I could get the paddling pool out.’

  ‘Ash, I’ve seen enough of you naked to last me a lifetime,’ Robyn said, smiling. ‘I’ve still got a stack of leftover sketches from the art session. I’m saving them for bonfire night.’

  ‘I’m going out for a walk before bed,’ Will announced, standing up.

  Robyn frowned. ‘It’s a bit soon for bed, isn’t it? We just ate. And a bit late for walks.’

  ‘I fancy some fresh air.’

  ‘Right,’ she said, casting a puzzled look at Ash.

  ‘Well, shall we all go for a walk then?’ Ash said.

  ‘No, I feel like some alone time.’ Will forced a smile. ‘You two stay and finish the prawn crackers.’

  He went into the hall and started buttoning his coat. Before he could leave, Robyn appeared, closing the living room door behind her.

  ‘Hey,’ she said in a low voice. ‘You okay? Me and Ash were worried.’

  Her and Ash. So, they were back to her and Ash. Her and Ash and him…

  ‘I’m fine, Bloom. I just want some air.’

  He turned to go, then turned back, reminding himself once again to act normal.

  ‘How’s Felicity?’ he said. ‘I hope it’s not been too much for her, getting ready for the wedding.’

  Robyn sighed. ‘She looks so tired. But whenever I try to talk to her, she just blames her bad leg and knocks back a couple more useless pills. I don’t know what else I can say to get through to her.’

  ‘You didn’t manage to convince her to see the specialist?’

  ‘No. She’s deaf to any attempts to make her reconsider treatment. I think…’ Robyn’s face crumpled. ‘I think it might be time to give up.’

  He bowed his head. ‘I think you’re right.’

  ‘Except I don’t want to. I can’t give up hope, Will. Not when it’s her life.’

  He was silent. There didn’t seem much he could say to that. God knew, he’d tried his best with Felicity too.

  ‘Anyway, thanks for everything you’ve done,’ Robyn said with a wobbly smile. ‘I mean, with the Eurovision party. She’s so excited for it.’

  He winced. ‘It’s nothing. See you later, Bloom.’

  ‘It isn’t nothing, it’s something. Something pretty amazing. I can’t believe you’d do that for me.’ She squeezed his arm, looking up at him with shining eyes.

  ‘Oh God, I can’t do this,’ he said with a sigh. ‘Robyn, I need to confess something.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Look… Ash didn’t want me to tell you, but I can’t keep taking credit for his hard work. He’s behind the fundraiser, not me.’

  She blinked. ‘Ash?’

  ‘Yeah. He asked me to pretend it was my idea.’

  ‘He asked… Why?’

  ‘Well, so you wouldn’t think he was trying to impress you.’

  ‘But why would he do it?’

  ‘You’ll have to ask him about that.’ Will pushed open the front door. ‘Enjoy the rest of your evening.’

  Outside, he leant back against the wall and closed his eyes.

  ‘Give me the strength to beat this,’ he muttered.

  *

  Robyn went back into the living room, feeling dazed.

  ‘Is he okay?’ Ash asked. ‘He’s been acting really oddly lately. I’m worried about him.’

  ‘It was you,’ she whispered.

  ‘What, is he pissed off with me? I didn’t do anything.’

  ‘You were the one… the Eurovision party for Fliss. Will said it was all you.’

  Ash looked annoyed. ‘What did he go and tell you that for? He promised he’d keep shtum.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Ash?’

  ‘Here.’ He patted the sofa. ‘Sit down and I’ll explain.’

  She took a seat, shifting over so she was in the space Will had been occupying when she was between them.

  ‘Well?’ she demanded. ‘Why’ve you been getting your brother to lie to me?’

  ‘Because I knew you’d think I was trying to score points with you. I wanted to do it for Felicity. Something actually fucking good for once in my life.’

  ‘Your bucket list contribution?’

  ‘That was the idea. Some selfless act that wouldn’t benefit me in any way.’ He looked down into his glass. ‘And not just one thing either. I want to be a better man in general – a less selfish man.’

  ‘Because of me?’

  ‘Because of Will,’ he said quietly. ‘Not sure I realised that until recently.’

  ‘Will?’

  ‘I always looked up to my brother, Rob. He was kind of my hero, when we were kids – at least, when I was old enough to appreciate him and not just laugh at him for being the swotty little good boy. The way he stepped up after Mum died and took on the grown-up role, looked after us both. And I was just this waste-of-space bum, coasting through life always thinking about number one.’

  ‘You’re saying you
want to be more like your brother?’

  ‘I suppose. Perhaps if we weren’t in the situation we are, I’d think we were just different people. But it’s life that made us different, not nature. If Will can be a good man, I know I must be capable of being one. I mean, I’ve got the model of the person I wish I was right in front of me.’

  She looked at him for a moment. ‘You really mean it, don’t you?’

  ‘I was bound to grow up one day, right?’ he said, smiling. ‘And Rob, I have been trying. I’ve been more hands-on at work, and doing more around the house, and… well, it doesn’t sound like much, but little changes.’

  He shuffled closer, so their sides were touching. Robyn didn’t move away.

  *

  It wasn’t much of a night for a walk – drizzly, overcast and starless – but Will couldn’t stand the thought of going home. He was so sick of the house. And now Robyn was there with Ash, alone, who knew what he might walk in on?

  God, there was a thought. If the two of them got back together… It hadn’t really registered the last time they were a couple. He hadn’t had feelings for her then, or at least, none that he couldn’t manage to successfully repress. But now… how he could he watch that again? The two of them: that easy, natural body language, laughing, cuddling, kissing, while Will ate his heart out at the other end of the sofa. And then having to watch them go upstairs together at the end of the night, knowing… hearing, maybe…

  He choked on a sob. Was this what being in love felt like? It was bloody awful. No wonder he’d never experienced it until now. It was probably a survival instinct or something, his brain steering him away from hours of guaranteed misery.

  If it happened, if Ash and Robyn did get back together… he needed to go. Leave the two of them to their happy ending. That was the only option, since he seemed to be incapable of getting himself over it. There was only so much pain his poor battered heart could stand.

  He mounted a stile and carried on with his aimless walk.

  *

  ‘What made you want to become this whole new Ash then?’ Robyn asked when he’d refilled their wines.

  ‘It was what you said to me, that day you thought I was Will. About how I only ever think about myself; how much I’d hurt you, and him too. He told you that but he never told me. And the way you looked at me when you thought I was him – the respect in your eyes.’ He moved closer to look into her eyes now. ‘I didn’t want you to just start liking me again. I wanted to feel I was someone worth being liked.’