The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  ‘I just want to get away. Me and you, together.’ He glanced towards the house next door. ‘I need to get out of this place.’

  38

  ‘Nice place,’ Ash said when they’d parked up outside the Brigadier’s static caravan in Scarborough. ‘When did the Brig buy this thing?’

  ‘Sometime after the sailing trip. He really fell in love with the sea that day.’ Will unlocked the caravan and they went inside.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ Ash said, glancing around the well-proportioned room with its kitchenette, gas fire and wall-mounted TV. ‘Will, this place is fancier than our house.’

  ‘It is a bit swish, isn’t it?’ Will drew back a curtain. ‘You can see right over the bay too.’

  Ash sat on the sofa and turned on the TV. ‘Here, sit down. We’ll fetch the bags in a minute.’

  Will took a seat and cast a listless glance at whatever was on TV. Some swords-and-sandals epic. They always dug out the Cecil B. DeMille stuff on Easter Sunday.

  ‘So what’s the plan for the weekend, Doc?’ Ash asked. ‘This is your R&R break.’

  ‘Read, walk, relax. Get some cans, spend a bit of brother time.’

  ‘Yeah, sounds good.’ Ash sighed. ‘And try not to think about Robyn. She kept me awake most of last night.’

  Will frowned. ‘Robyn did?’

  ‘Thinking about her, I meant.’ He turned the TV off again. ‘After I proposed I felt sort of elated, even though she turned me down. Maybe there was still some lingering adrenaline in my system, and it felt like a good sign that she hadn’t been angry. But the more I think about it, the more I’m worried she’s not going to change her mind. That this is it for me and her.’

  ‘Why do you say that?’

  ‘I just keep remembering how she kissed me goodbye. There was a kind of finality to it that I didn’t fully register at the time.’

  ‘You can’t give up on her though,’ Will said, looking down at his jeans. ‘Not if she’s really the one.’

  ‘No. I guess not.’

  Will forced a smile and patted his brother’s leg. ‘Give her some space to work through whatever she’s feeling, that’s my advice. There must be a lot going on in her head right now.’

  ‘You think that’s best?’

  ‘I do.’ He stood up. ‘I’m going to get the bags. Then I think a walk on the beach, few hours’ reading and it’ll be beer o’clock.’

  *

  But Will couldn’t manage to get into the holiday mood. Everywhere he looked, he saw reminders of Robyn. A jellyfish on the beach made him think of her fishy date with Ash, the one he’d longed to take her on himself. The thriller he was reading was one she’d lent him. Even the caravan belonged to her uncle by marriage, bringing back memories of the night Will had comforted her after Felicity’s cancer diagnosis – the night she’d tried to kiss him. And that just led his wandering thoughts to the passionate kiss they’d shared last night, when he’d held her in his arms and come close, so close, to committing the ultimate act of fraternal betrayal.

  ‘I’m sorry, Ash, I’m not much fun tonight,’ he said in front of the TV that evening, pushing away his half-finished can of beer. ‘I might just grab an early night and hope for better things tomorrow.’

  ‘I’m not much of a laugh myself,’ Ash said, sighing. ‘Right pair of saddoes, eh?’

  ‘Let’s go to bed. We can get a full day’s walking in tomorrow then.’

  Ash glanced at the TV. ‘You go. I’m just going to watch the end of this.’

  ‘All right. See you in the morning.’

  Will went to bed, but sleep wouldn’t come. His brain hurt, his heart ached, and if he had such a thing as a soul, he was sure that was probably pretty tender too.

  He wished Robyn hadn’t told him how she felt. Knowing she loved him in return made the whole thing even more painful. Knowing she wanted him, was thinking about him each night just on the other side of the wall that divided his bedroom from hers, but that they could never be with each other. An obstacle so much more solid than any wall, an Ash-shaped obstacle, would always be between them.

  After an hour of lying in the dark, Will gave up. He flicked on the light and got dressed, then went into the living room.

  He’d go down to the beach for a night walk. A bit of sea air would do him good; help to calm his whirling thoughts.

  ‘Hiya,’ he said to Ash when he found him in the living room, messing about on his iPad. ‘I thought you’d have gone to bed by now.’

  ‘No, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep.’ He watched Will pour himself a glass of water. ‘How come you’re still awake?’

  ‘Same. Too much going on in my head to switch off. I thought I might go out for a wander.’ He drained his glass and went to sit by his brother. ‘What’re you doing on that thing?’

  ‘Just looking at Tinder,’ Ash said, showing him the screen. ‘I never tried the online dating thing, but it seems to be the way the world operates these days. I was trying to figure out how the whole swiping business works.’

  Will stared at him. ‘You’re signing up for Tinder?’

  ‘Not yet. Just doing a bit of research.’

  ‘But… Robyn. What about Robyn?’

  Ash shrugged. ‘Well, I hope she’ll change her mind. But now I’ve thought it all through, I’m wondering if I might’ve reached the end of the line with her. I can’t force her to give me a second chance, can I? Time to start considering my options.’

  Will laughed in disbelief. ‘Ash, you’re not serious.’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

  ‘You fucking… I don’t believe you!’ Will grabbed him by the collar and yanked him to his feet.

  ‘Jesus!’ Ash tried to push him away but Will kept tight hold. ‘Have you gone completely mental? Get the fuck off me!’

  ‘You absolute bastard,’ Will growled. ‘All these months, I’ve been… you said you loved her. That she was the only girl for you. You remember all the times you told me that?’

  ‘Course I do.’ Ash managed to free himself. ‘And I meant it. So what? Obviously, I’m gutted she doesn’t want to be with me, but dying alone pining for Robyn Bloom was never my long-term plan.’

  ‘Ash, for months I’ve been helping you because I believed you when you said you loved her. Because I wanted to see you happy more than anything else. And now you’re, what, recruiting for her replacement barely twenty-four hours after she turned you down? What the fuck is this?’

  ‘I’m not recruiting for anything, I’m just working out my next step. I’m thirty-five, Will. I can’t wait for her forever, can I?’

  ‘I could hit you so hard right now,’ Will said, his voice low and dangerous. ‘I just can’t believe you’d… Christ, Ash, do you know what I’ve been putting myself through for you?’

  Ash frowned. ‘What you’ve been putting yourself through? How do you mean?’

  Will turned to glare at the TV. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Will, what is it? Why’re you behaving like this?’

  ‘Because… because I fucking love her too, don’t I?’

  ‘What?’

  Will grabbed the kitchen counter to steady himself, the shock of saying the words making him dizzy for a moment. They’d fallen out before he’d had a chance to bite them back, but it did feel like a weight had been lifted somehow.

  ‘I… love her,’ he whispered. ‘I tried to get over it, stay out of her way, but I couldn’t. She’s just so… Ash, it’s been killing me for months.’

  ‘So this whole time you’ve been helping me while you…’

  ‘Yeah.’ Will scowled as his gaze fell on the abandoned iPad. ‘And now you’re giving up on her and jumping straight into someone else’s bed, are you? History repeating. Brother, you’ve done a lot of shitty things in your life, but this one tops the lot.’

  Will’s eyes were on fire, his fists clenched. Ash took a step back, convinced that his brother was about to punch him. But after glaring at him for a moment, Will turned and strode to the doo
r.

  ‘Where are you going?’ Ash asked.

  ‘Where do you think? To find a fucking pub.’

  *

  ‘Another please,’ Will said, pushing his empty glass over the bar.

  The barmaid poured him a whisky.

  ‘You okay?’ she asked. ‘If you’re here alone and knocking them back neat, I’m guessing there’s something you’re trying to shut out. Or someone, maybe?’

  ‘Yeah. A girl. This is the second time recently she’s driven me to drink.’

  ‘Sounds like the sort of girl you could do without.’

  He sighed. ‘No, it’s not her fault. She’s just fucking… wonderful. Damn her.’

  ‘Whose fault is it then?’

  ‘Nobody’s. That’s what makes it so rough. It’s not really anyone’s fault.’

  Will glanced up when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

  ‘I’ll have whatever he’s having,’ Ash said to the barmaid.

  She blinked. ‘Whoa. Double vision. Hey, are you two related?’

  Ash laughed. ‘What gave it away?’

  ‘Oh, you know. Feminine intuition.’

  She poured Ash a whisky too and left them alone.

  ‘How did you find me, Ash?’ Will muttered.

  ‘Well it wasn’t easy. I tried three pubs before this one.’ He glanced at his brother’s whisky. ‘What number’s that?’

  ‘Two. Apparently even as a lonely drunk I’m not much cop. Just can’t seem to muster the energy for it.’

  Ash claimed a stool. ‘I got you something.’

  ‘What?’

  He took out a toy car in vibrant red and rolled it to Will.

  ‘It’s that Lambo you always wanted when we were kids. I got us one each.’

  He produced a second car, in yellow this time, and put it in front of him on the bar.

  Will couldn’t help smiling. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I promised you once that when I was grown-up and rich, I’d buy us each one. Sorry these are the best I can afford.’ He leaned round to meet Will’s eyes. ‘So can we talk about it?’

  ‘I suppose we should.’

  ‘You’re not going to rage out on me again, are you?’

  Will sighed. ‘Can’t, can I? You’re all I’ve bloody got.’

  ‘Will, I’m sorry,’ Ash said quietly. ‘It must’ve been hell for you. Why didn’t you just tell me the truth when I asked?’

  Will snorted. ‘Right. “Sorry, bruv, I’ve managed to fall for your girl. No hard feelings though, eh?”’

  ‘I’d have understood.’

  ‘Would you?’

  Ash paused. ‘Well, maybe I wouldn’t,’ he admitted. ‘How did it happen?’

  ‘God knows. One minute we were just mates, same as always. The next…’ Will took a gulp of his whisky. ‘It was you leaving that changed everything. At first, she could hardly bear to look at me, I reminded her so strongly of you. Then after we eventually made friends again… dunno, it all felt different.’

  ‘She’s a great girl.’

  ‘I know she is. That’s the problem.’ He sighed. ‘Maybe I always liked her a bit – as more than a friend, I mean. But I never had any problem repressing it. Then I supported her through her health scare, she came for Christmas, and… suddenly it just got too much.’

  ‘But you still kept helping me,’ Ash said in a low voice. ‘Even though you were breaking your heart for her the whole time.’

  ‘Course I did.’

  ‘Why?’

  Will gave a cheerless laugh. ‘Because, brother of mine, as much as you drive me insane, as much as I want to strangle you on a daily basis, I fucking love you, don’t I? And there’s nothing that matters more to me than that. Not even Robyn.’

  Ash blinked down at the bar. ‘Will? I need to confess something.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I… knew. I knew how you felt about Robyn. Even before I asked her out the very first time, I knew. In fact, that’s why I asked her.’

  ‘You what?’

  ‘I mean, not consciously. Or I pretended I didn’t know consciously. Because if I hadn’t, I’d have had to finally admit what we’ve both known for years. That when it comes right down to it, I’ve always been a bit of a twat.’

  ‘Hey. No one gets to say that but me.’ Will looked at him. ‘Is that true?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure I didn’t sense something and let my subconscious drive to compete with you prod me into it. Although I never understood that until I was walking from pub to pub just now, thinking the whole thing over. Do you forgive me?’

  ‘For being a twat? We’d be in a right mess if I didn’t, given how regularly it happens.’ Will pushed his Lamborghini back and forth. ‘Oh, what does it matter? Nothing matters now.’

  ‘Does Robyn know how you feel about her?’

  ‘She knows.’

  ‘That’s what you were talking about last night?’

  ‘Yes. I hadn’t planned on telling her, but she worked it out on her own somehow.’

  ‘And…’ Ash swallowed hard. ‘What about her? Does she love you back?’

  Will stared into his drink, fighting against tears.

  ‘You can tell me, Will. Honestly, I can take it.’

  ‘No,’ Will said quietly. ‘It was all on my side. She was sweet about it though.’

  Ash smiled. ‘Isn’t she always?’

  ‘So where do we go from here?’

  ‘I guess… this is the end. She doesn’t want us. We need to try and get over her.’

  ‘Suppose we do.’

  Ash rested a hand on his back. ‘At least we can help each other through it. You know I love you, right?’

  ‘I know.’ Will summoned a smile. ‘Love you too, kid.’

  ‘Here.’ Ash lifted his right hand, licked his left index finger and drew it across the palm. ‘Unbreakable Vow. All for one and one for all. Barnes boys till the end.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Will copied the gesture. ‘Barnes boys till the end.’

  39

  It was two weeks since they’d returned from Scarborough, and Ash hadn’t seen Robyn in all the time they’d been home. He sensed she was avoiding him – him and Will both – and to be honest that suited him too. Now he knew there was no future for the pair of them, being in her company could only hurt.

  Still, he was bearing up significantly better than his brother. While Ash had tried to take his mind off things by throwing himself into preparations for the Eurovision party, Will was… well, there was no other word for it. He was moping.

  On the surface, he didn’t seem so bad. A little quiet, a little pale, but going about his usual routine. Work, rugby practice, Friday night beers in front of the TV, like he was forcing himself to go through the motions. But Ash had known his brother since they’d shared a womb; he could tell when he was depressed. And finally, after a fortnight of observing Will and thinking things over, Ash suspected he knew exactly why.

  It wasn’t just heartbreak: there was something else. Something so bloody obvious, once he started thinking about it. God, he’d been blind!

  It was the question of exactly what he was going to do about it that had been keeping him awake nights. But he’d finally come to a decision.

  ‘Will?’ he called up the stairs. ‘I’m just popping out.’

  There was no reply, so Ash headed out – straight to the house next door.

  ‘Oh,’ Robyn said when she answered his knock. ‘Ash. Um… hi.’

  ‘Can I come in, Rob?’

  ‘I guess.’ She ushered him inside, and he followed her to the living room.

  ‘So do you want a tea or… or anything?’ she asked, avoiding eye contact.

  ‘No thanks. This won’t take long.’ He dipped his head so he could look into her face. ‘There’s something important I have to ask you.’

  ‘Ash, you’re not here to… I told you I wouldn’t change my mind.’

  ‘It’s not that. I need to know something.’

  She blinked.
‘Okay, go ahead.’

  ‘Robyn, are you in love with my brother?’

  She coloured and turned her face away.

  ‘What? Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘It’s okay. Just tell me the truth, I won’t be angry.’

  ‘Why on earth would you think that?’

  ‘Because for two weeks I’ve had to watch someone I love in daily pain that he’s absolutely no good at hiding, and I need to know the truth so I can help him.’ He turned her back to face him. ‘And you too, I think,’ he said gently. ‘Been crying, love?’

  She rubbed at her eyes, red-rimmed and puffy from weeks of bedtime tears. ‘Don’t worry about me. I’m okay.’

  ‘It’s all right, Rob. Will told me how he feels about you; you don’t need to pretend any more.’

  ‘He… why would he tell you that?’

  ‘Never mind how it happened.’ He looked into her eyes. ‘He told me you didn’t feel the same but it was a lie, wasn’t it? He’s just trying to spare my feelings.’

  ‘Ash, I…’

  ‘The truth, please, Robyn. Don’t worry about hurting me. I already made my peace with the answer, I just need to hear it from you.’

  ‘I… yes.’ She laughed, rubbing her cheek. ‘Yes.’

  ‘You mean it? You love him?’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘Ash, you know I’ll always… I’d never come between you two. I’ll stay out of your way until it’s out of all our systems, I promise.’

  ‘It’s love, Rob, not the flu.’

  ‘Not sure there’s much difference, the way I’ve been feeling lately.’ She looked up at him. ‘Please don’t be angry. Nothing happened between us – one kiss, that was all. And that was my fault: Will fought it every step of the way. He’d never do anything to hurt you.’

  ‘I know he wouldn’t.’ Ash stared thoughtfully over her shoulder, then summoned a smile. ‘I’m not angry. I just… needed to know.’

  *

  It was midday on Saturday around a week later when Robyn answered the door to Freya and Eliot, each clutching some Tupperware. And not just any Saturday either. It was Saturday 14th May, better known in the Bloom household as Eurovision Final Day.

  ‘Here are our buffet contributions,’ Eliot said. ‘I’ve done homemade houmous and crudités, in honour of our friends in Turkey.’