by L. B. Dunbar
“I can’t compete with a dead woman, Hank. I’m sorry. I want to be respectful, and I want to understand. I knew I wouldn’t be someone’s first, not at this age, not after already being married, but I can’t keep feeling like she’s between us.”
“I understand. I put her there, but you also have to know you are my first. I’ve never felt this way before. Never.”
Midge’s brow squeezes so tight, her skin crinkles. I lean forward and kiss her there. “You’re my first, because I love you and you love me back. Not in a selfish way. Not because you need something from me. You’re just here, and I want to be here with you. I want more, too, little lady.”
Tears flow freely, her shoulders slumping forward.
“No more tears, though, baby.” Her body continues to lean, and I wrap my arms around her, dragging her up into my lap.
“I’m too heavy for you.” She sniffles, squirming on my thighs.
“You’re a weight I want to carry. And no, you are not too heavy for me.” I kiss her temple before pitching forward. Her arms wrap around my neck, and she lets out a little squeak as I stand, cradling her to my chest.
“Hank, what are you doing?”
I spin for the front door, taking the few steps toward it. “I’m carrying you over the threshold.” I press the door open with my shoulder, then kick the door shut and head for the stairs. She nestles into me as we climb to my room. Gently, I lay her on my bed and sit to unlace my boots. She watches me, unmoving as I tug them both off.
“Midge, let me make love to you, intimately.” The request is so direct, she blinks. She remains lying back, and I realize it might be too fast. I’ll hold her, just feel her heart beating with mine. Instead, she sits up and removes her light jacket. I shift to lie next to her, cupping her cheek with one hand.
“I love you,” I say, and then I kiss her. Every kiss has been a discovery. The first kiss. The slow kiss. The quick kiss. The lingering. The hot as fuck. But this kiss, it’s new once again as we take our time to work over one another, sucking, sipping, licking. I don’t know how long we’ve been at it, but eventually, it grows more urgent. Clothing gets removed between more kisses. My shirt is discarded, so her delicate fingers can trace over my abs. Fuck, I like when she touches me. Her sweater goes, so I can cover each breast, latching on until her nipples peak and a red mark blossoms. Jeans follow, and I stand to peer down at her. Her hair sprawls over my pillows, her limbs spread, ready for me. Removing my own jeans, I watch her watch me. The intensity in her eyes says everything. She wants me. She wants more from me. She’s a fantasy, and one I’ll never grow too old for.
I grip her ankles and slowly drag her toward me. I want to take my time, but I’m also so hard. My dick dances before me, stiff and eager to enter her. My palms climb her shins, wrap over her knees, and lift her by the back of her thighs. My knees bend, pinning me to the edge of the mattress. Holding her body like this, so open, so pliable, I can’t wait to connect with her. My dick springs forward, aching to make us one. I hold her where the curve of her ass meets her legs and drag her along the length of me. She’s slick and ready, and I want inside. I want more.
“I don’t want any more barriers between us.” I mean condoms, ex-lovers, miscommunication and anything else that keeps us separate. “I want to own every crevice, every crack of you, little lady. Fill you and seal you to me.” My voice scratches, rough and raspy as I slide through her tender folds. She’s coating me, and the sensation is unreal. I watch my ministrations and then look up to find her watching us.
“But I don’t want to just fill you, I want to fill you up, your heart, your soul. All of me for all of you.” Her eyes jump to mine as her clit pulses. She clenches her thighs, and I sense she’s getting close, waiting for me, but I want her to hear me—her love to hear mine.
“Do you get it? Do you understand me?” I’m practically growling, but I’m not fierce. I’m intense. I need her to know. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” With that, I slip into her; I’m slow, purposeful, direct until my dick disappears completely. I love this connection, this feeling, this sensation. I’m bare in there, raw and exposed, because that’s how I feel with her. That’s how I want to be with only her.
As I drag back, her thighs fight me. She wants me to stay in her depths.
“We’ll get there, baby. I promise.” After a few slow thrusts, I can’t take the lessened pace. She’s frantic on the bed, and I love how she wants to race. Not rush for a finish line but sprint nonetheless. My speed increases, choppy at first until we find the dance, our bodies moving as one. With my hands under her knees, she opens so wide for me, drawing me into her heat.
“I love you like this.” I stammer, the force of me entering her shifts the bed. The headboard taps at the wall. The frame scratches on the wood floor. I don’t care. I want every sound to be from her, from us together. “But I love you…more.”
Finally, she gives me the sound I seek most—my name on her lips as she screams with pleasure.
+ + +
Hours later, we linger in bed. It was a rough start to a Sunday but pure pleasure to forget everything and spend the day between the sheets. Midge called her sons to say she’d be out all day. She told me she’d explain everything to them later. As she lay spent from round two, her thighs wrapped around my hips while my head rests on her chest, she strokes my hair. Her short, blunt fingernails cause me to shiver, but at the same time, I relish the touch.
“What do you think will happen to Stephie?” I perch up on my elbows, suddenly concerned Midge hasn’t gotten the message. I love her, only her.
“I hope she gets help, but she can’t be my problem. I don’t mean that coldly, but she’s too close to me in some ways, and she needs someone outside her past.”
Midge nods, her eyes drifting off to the left.
“Seeing her like that, it was an eye-opener for me.”
Her gaze returns to mine. “How?”
“All that I’d done. All that I could have been. The spiral went deep for me. It was another wake-up call. Looking back, I can see I didn’t really want that life.”
“Is it that easy to say?” She’s still brushing over my head, and my body feels so replete. I don’t want to talk about old things anymore, but I want her to have all the answers.
“Maybe. Hindsight is twenty-twenty and all that. I think one reason I corkscrewed so far down was because I just wanted someone to love me for me. I wanted to be somebody’s someone.” I lean forward and kiss her. When I pull back, I kiss over her heart, slow and steady just like things should be. Her hands cup my head, and she forces me up to look at her. Her bright brown eyes glint with gold.
“You are.” She pauses as her lips curl. “To me.”
38
Family always says they’re sorry
[Midge]
A few weeks pass, and Hank and I are in a much better place. He spends a lot of his free time at my house; what free time we have. Between baseball games and a spring concert, along with Hank’s crisis center hours and my search for jobs, we’re swarmed by life. We talk again about the money, and I tell Hank how I am happy to work as a marketing consultant for a while as I learn more about the possibility of going on my own. Thankfully, he lets the subject drop.
Mother’s Day weekend, we have plans. Gage invites Hank and me, plus Edie and Tommy to join him on Saturday for something special as Sunday is the official day for mothers. We receive no other instructions—just join him at their home. We are to dress casual, and when we arrive at their oceanside home, I’m dumbstruck. It’s gorgeous with a first-floor wall of glass overlooking the water. It’s breathtaking in grays and whites, and comfortable in a way I wouldn’t expect the rich and famous to live, especially in comparison to my rare visits to Kit’s sterile home. I check my emotions at the door when I visit Lawson with Hank. He needs me, and he reminds me often.
After a quick tour of the house, Gage ushers us to their family SUV. The kids aren’t coming with
us today, he says, as six adults climb into the large passenger vehicle. We travel west, curving through the hills, and at first, I think we might be heading to Kit’s home. Dread fills me. The house is a mausoleum to the dead, and the stark whiteness remains cold and unfeeling. Yet after a few more twists in the road, we pull up to a gated home, complete with an iron gate and stucco fence. Gage presses in a code, and we slip down the drive to eventually park before a sprawling home.
At first glance, it appears as if two homes have been attached, but the streamlined architecture enhances the overall beauty of the structure. One side is single level. A set of double doors is surrounded by glass panels on either side marking the main entrance to the home. This foyer connects the other side of the house, standing two stories tall. The Spanish terra cotta roof tiles gleam in the spring sunshine as the white stucco house welcomes us like a vacation villa.
As we sit in the car a moment, I notice Gage watching Ivy instead of admiring the house.
“What do you think?” he asks.
“It’s lovely.” She sighs, expressing my thoughts exactly. The landscaping softens the brick in a variety of greens with something in hot pink blooming on a vine along the front wall. Gage smiles and presses open his door. He touches Ivy’s arm, suggesting she wait, and the rest of us climb out of the SUV. Standing in a semi-circle on the drive, Gage helps his wife from the vehicle and then puts his arm around her.
“Welcome home, gorgeous.”
Edie’s breath hitches, and my mouth falls open. Ivy blinks up at her husband.
“Happy Mother’s Day, little mama.” He reaches for her stunned cheeks and drags her for a powerful kiss. I look away from the private moment. He bought his wife a freaking house for Mother’s Day! It’s too intimate to witness. I peek up at Hank, whose smile beams.
“You know something about this?” He nods sheepishly, the grin grows. Tommy chuckles, and I turn to him. His arm wraps around Edie from the back. He kisses her neck before glancing up at the house.
“What do you think, baby girl?” Tommy addresses Ivy who stands still in shock.
“You bought me a house?” she says softly, but we stand close enough to hear. I’m thinking we should give them some privacy, but Gage’s slow curling lips tell me he’s pulled off something big.
“The house is yours, yes, but it’s for all of us. Ava, Emaline, Granger…” He pauses, slipping his hands to her wrists. “And Lawson.”
Tears spring to my eyes. Edie’s already dabbing at hers.
“What?” Ivy whispers, still too stunned to move.
“Tommy and I agreed your mom’s house is too cold and needs too many improvements to make it a home for us. Plus, I don’t think it would be good for us to move in there. I wanted something for us. Ours. It was fucking hard to find a place big enough with all the specifications and handicap accessibility we need, but I did it.” He waves out a hand at the house. He turns back to his wife, whose eyes haven’t left his face. “All those phone calls. Appointments. They were about this.”
“You weren’t having an affair?” My heart breaks at the hesitation in her voice, yet a hint of relief fills her expression.
“Baby, we already talked about this. No. Definitely not.” Gage’s voice softens as he tries to reassure his wife. Tears fill her eyes and slowly leak down her cheeks. Tommy’s soft chuckle next to me adds to the tender moment.
“Princess, he can give you phone records and calendar appointment sheets if you wish, but I can corroborate his story. I went on too many of these damn home showings to say he had time for anything else.”
“I’m so sorry,” Ivy says to her husband, tears falling harder as she covers her face in shame.
“Ivy, gorgeous, I wouldn’t want anyone else,” Gage snaps, cupping his wife’s face again. “I love you. I love us. I’d be fucking out of my mind to cheat. I’m sorry I made you worry. I just wanted to surprise you.” He kisses her forehead.
“You bought me a house?” Ivy repeats, robotically, looking up at him. A weak smile graces her beautiful face.
“You wanted Lawson out of that house. You wanted to spend more time with him, include him in the family, so I found this. He can have his own wing where we can join him but still have our space. There’s a pool and a therapy tub for him. It’s amazing.” Gage’s excitement grows as the color returns to his wife’s face. She launches at him, and they kiss like a porn movie is being filmed in their new driveway. Her legs wrap around Gage’s hips, and his hands bury in her hair. As witnesses to this borderline pornographic scene, the rest of us laugh nervously until Tommy snaps, “Gage.”
“Care,” Gage retorts, but his tone is all tease as he holds his wife on his hips.
“So…” Ivy drags. “Show me everything.” Gage doesn’t release his wife until we reach the door. Inside, I try to keep my jaw up as I take in the lavish space and open concept. The kitchen is something from a home décor magazine, and as we admire appliances, Gage pulls his wife toward the grand staircase for this half of the house. Tommy continues the tour to the other side of the home, guiding us through a private living space, smaller kitchen, and Lawson’s new bedroom. Two more rooms finish the hallway.
“This is for the various nurses…” Tommy points at an open door, displaying a light yellow room with a double bed covered by a daisy print duvet. He stops at the end of the hall and waves us forward. I step in a masculine looking room of light gray with dark brown furniture. A king-size bed takes up most of the space, but it’s a comfortable room with sunlight streaming through the double-pane window. “And this last one is for you.” Tommy nods at Hank, and I look up at my flabbergasted boyfriend.
“What?” Hank chokes, swallowing what I can only assume is a lump in his throat. I have one as well. This is an amazing gesture.
“You never had a home with your child, and we both know he can’t live with you in his condition. The liaison suggested that Gage treat him like any other adult living on his own by having a guest room. Only you aren’t a guest, Hank. You’re his father. Gage wanted you to have a space in case you wanted to stay the night.”
Sweet cheese, I’m fighting tears as I watch Hank’s face. He blows out a breath. Ever see a large man crumple with emotion? Me either, and my heart rips from my chest at the fight in Hank to keep the tears at bay. He pinches the bridge of his nose, holding the corners of his eyes a moment before blinking rapidly.
“We’ll give you a moment,” Edie says softly, her hand on her husband’s chest.
“Maybe twenty.” Tommy winks. “Don’t come to the pool house.” Hank chuckles, and I’m sensing the two men share a moment of history. Edie leads the way, and Hank and I are left alone in his new room in his son’s home.
+ + +
The stunned look in Hank’s eyes is all I can focus on.
“Holy fuck,” he mutters. He hasn’t moved, and I worry he’ll tumble over. Touching his wrist, I watch as he blinks down at me, then folds down to the edge of the bed.
“You okay?”
“I think I’m numb...in a good way.” He twists slowly, taking in the space. With a deep exhale, he reaches for me, tugging me to him. I fall over his lap, straddling him as he wraps both arms around my back and holds tight. I curl my arms around his head, pressing his cheek to my chest. A shudder rattles his body.
“No, Hank,” I mutter, bending forward to kiss the top of his head and linger. “Hank, honey, don’t cry.” I pull back, but he squeezes me tighter, not releasing me.
“Why did it take so long to find you?” He pinches his eyes again, his face avoiding mine a moment. I press him back and remove the trace of his tears with peppering kisses. My heart aches. “I wish I’d met you sooner.”
The sentiment is sweet but not realistic. A man like Hank Paige would have never been interested in me. I believe everything happens for a reason, but I can’t think of one reason Kit Carrigan emotionally abused this man or why he thought he had to drink so much.
“I think we met when we were suppose
d to meet. When we were ready, or maybe when we needed each other most.”
“I needed you so much earlier in my life, little lady.” I continue to cup his face. My lips brush lightly against his.
“I need you now, honey,” I say with another quick kiss. “There are some things I can never wish changing. My kids are those things for me.”
“I don’t want you to wish them away, baby. If anything, I want a little more of everything with them, too.” I startle. Hank has been wonderful with the boys, considering our misunderstanding weeks ago. He accepted Ronin’s apology and opened up to them about his history. He handles Elston’s surliness. Of course, Liam already adores Hank and finds no reason to dislike him even for a second. I could remind Hank he has Lawson, but I already understand his feelings. Finding out he has an adult child isn’t the same as discovering he has an infant. He’s missed out on so many things. The squishy toddler. The whiny teen. He wants experiences.
“You’re an amazing mother, Middy. I would have loved to have babies with you.”
“I know, sweetheart,” I say softly. I’m forty-one, and while I’d love to give Hank a child, I think that ship has sailed. To be safe, we agreed I’d go on the pill. “I would have loved to give you a baby.” This is a moment of pure honesty for Hank. He’s not dismissing his own child. He’s simply admitting he wanted more.
“Maybe you could just let me share the ones you already have.” He leans forward to kiss my chest, avoiding eye contact once again. My heart contracts. This man.
His hands rub up my sides, his lips kissing my chest, nuzzling the open vee of my blouse over to get to the swell of my breast. I’m balancing on his thighs, not wishing to crush him or imply anything, but the more he sucks at my skin, and the closer he gets to my nipple, a pulse beats under my skirt. Hank’s hands slip under my shirt, massaging firmly along my sides.
