Fondness and Admiration Questionnaire
To assess the current state of your fondness and admiration system, answer the following:
Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”
1. I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner. T F
2. When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner. T F
3. I will often find some way to tell my partner “I love you.” T F
4. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. T F
5. My partner really respects me. T F
6. I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. T F
7. I feel accepted and liked by my partner. T F
8. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. T F
9. My partner turns me on sexually. T F
10. There is fire and passion in this relationship. T F
11. Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship. T F
12. I am really proud of my partner. T F
13. My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments. T F
14. I can easily tell you why I married my partner. T F
15. If I had it all to do over again, I would marry the same person. T F
16. We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection. T F
17. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. T F
18. My partner appreciates the things I do in this marriage. T F
19. My spouse generally likes my personality. T F
20. Our sex life is generally satisfying. T F
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
10 or above: This is an area of strength for your marriage. Because you value each other highly, you have a shield that can protect your relationship from being overwhelmed by any negativity that also exists between you. Although it might seem obvious to you that people who are in love have a high regard for each other, it’s common for spouses to lose sight of some of their fondness and admiration over time. Remember that this fondness and admiration is a gift worth cherishing. Completing the exercises in this chapter from time to time will help you to reaffirm your positive feelings for each other.
Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Don’t be discouraged by a low score. There are many couples in whom the fondness and admiration system has not died but is buried under layers of negativity, hurt feelings, and betrayal. By reviving the positive feelings that still lie deep below, you can vastly improve your marriage.
If your fondness and admiration are being chipped away, the route to bringing them back always begins with realizing how valuable they are. They are crucial to the long-term happiness of a relationship because they prevent contempt—one of the marriage-killing four horsemen—from becoming an overwhelming presence in your life. Contempt is a corrosive that, over time, breaks down the bond between husband and wife. The better in touch you are with your deep-seated positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to act contemptuous of your spouse when you have a difference of opinion.
FANNING THE FLAMES
There’s nothing complicated about reviving or enhancing your fondness and admiration. Even positive feelings that have long been buried can be exhumed simply by thinking and talking about them. You can do this by meditating a bit on your partner and what makes you cherish him or her. If you’re feeling out of practice or have too much stress or anger to do this “free form,” the following exercises will guide you. As simple as these exercises may seem to be, they have enormous power. When you acknowledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and your marriage, your bond is strengthened. This makes it much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and make some positive changes. Feel free to do these exercises as often as you wish. They are not intended only for troubled relationships. If your marriage is stable and happy, working through these exercises is an excellent way to heighten the romance.
Exercise 1: “I Appreciate . . .”
From the list below, circle three items that you think are characteristic of your partner. If there are more than three, still circle just three. (You can circle another three if you choose to do this exercise again.) If you’re having difficulty coming up with three, feel free to define the word characteristic very loosely. Even if you can recall only one instance when your partner displayed this characteristic, you can circle it.
1. Loving
37. Vulnerable
2. Sensitive
38. Committed
3. Brave
39. Involved
4. Intelligent
40. Expressive
5. Thoughtful
41. Active
6. Generous
42. Careful
7. Loyal
43. Reserved
8. Truthful
44. Adventurous
9. Strong
45. Receptive
10. Energetic
46. Reliable
11. Sexy
47. Responsible
12. Decisive
48. Dependable
13. Creative
49. Nurturing
14. Imaginative
50. Warm
15. Fun
51. Virile
16. Attractive
52. Kind
17. Interesting
53. Gentle
18. Supportive
54. Practical
19. Funny
55. Lusty
20. Considerate
56. Witty
21. Affectionate
57. Relaxed
22. Organized
58. Beautiful
23. Resourceful
59. Handsome
24. Athletic
60. Rich
25. Cheerful
61. Calm
26. Coordinated
62. Lively
27. Graceful
63. A great partner
28. Elegant
64. A great parent
29. Gracious
65. Assertive
30. Playful
66. Protective
31. Caring
67. Sweet
32. A great friend
68. Tender
33. Exciting
69. Powerful
34. Thrifty
70. Flexible
35. Full of plans
71. Understanding
36. Shy
72. Totally silly
For each item you checked, briefly think of an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic of your partner. Write the characteristic and the incident in your notebook or journal as follows:
1. Characteristic _______________________
Incident _______________________
2. Characteristic _______________________
Incident _______________________
3. Characteristic _______________________
Incident _______________________
Now, share your list with your partner. Let him or her know what it is about these traits that you value so highly.
In my workshops, I can see the positive benefits of this exercise immediately. The room is filled with warm smiles and laughter. Couples who began the session sitting stiffly and awkwardly suddenly seem relaxed. Just looking at them, you can tell that something they had lost is being regained. The sense of hope that their marriage can be saved is almost palpable.
Exercise 2: The History and
Philosophy of Your Marriage
Most couples are helped all the more by talking about the happy events of their past. Below is a version of the questionnaire that led Rory and Lisa to reconnect with their fondness and admiration for each other. Completing this questionnaire together will bring you face to face, once again, with the early years of your relationship, and help you remember how and why you became a couple.
You will need a few hours of uninterrupted time to complete this exercise. You can ask a clos
e friend or relative to serve as interviewer, or you can just read the questions and talk about them together. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions—they are merely meant to guide you in recalling the love and perspective on marriage that led you to join your lives in the first place.
Part One: The History of Your Relationship
1. Discuss how the two of you met and got together. Was there anything about your spouse that made him or her stand out? What were your first impressions of each other?
2. What do you remember most about the time you were first dating? What stands out? How long did you know each other before you got married? What do you remember of this period? What were some of the highlights? Some of the tensions? What types of things did you do together?
3. Talk about how you decided to get married. Of all the people in the world, what led you to decide that this was the person you wanted to marry? Was it an easy decision? Was it a difficult decision? Were you in love? Talk about this time.
4. Do you remember your wedding? Talk to each other about your memories. Did you have a honeymoon? What do you remember about it?
5. What do you remember about the first year you were married? Were there any adjustments you needed to make?
6. What about the transition to becoming parents? Talk to each other about this period of your marriage. What was it like for the two of you?
7. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really happy times in your marriage? What is a good time for you as a couple? Has this changed over the years?
8. Many relationships go through periods of ups and downs. Would you say that this is true of your marriage? Can you describe some of these periods?
9. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really hard times in your marriage? Why do you think you stayed together? How did you get through these difficult times?
10. Have you stopped doing things together that once gave you pleasure? Explore these with one another.
Part Two: Your Philosophy of Marriage
11. Talk to each other about why you think some marriages work while others don’t. Decide together who among the couples you know have particularly good marriages and who have particularly bad marriages. What is different about these two marriages? How would you compare your own marriage to each of these couples’?
12. Talk to each other about your parents’ marriages. Would you say they were very similar to or different from your own marriage?
13. Make a chart of the history of your marriage, its major turning points, ups and downs. What were the happiest times for you? For your partner? How has your marriage changed over the years?
Most couples find that recalling their past together recharges their relationship in the here and now. Answering these questions often reminds couples of the love and great expectations that inspired their decision to marry in the first place. This can give couples who thought their marriage was already over the glimmerings of hope that lead them to struggle on to save their relationship. Just repeating the two exercises above from time to time may be enough to salvage and strengthen your fondness and admiration for each other. But if the negativity is deeply entrenched, a marriage may require a longer-term, more structured approach, which you’ll find in the next exercise.
Exercise 3: A Seven-Week Course in
Fondness and Admiration
This exercise is designed to get you into the habit of thinking positively about your partner when you’re apart. If you are angry, stressed, or feeling distant from your spouse, you may tend to focus on his or her negative characteristics. This leads to distress-maintaining thoughts, which in turn leave you feeling ever more distant and isolated in your marriage. This exercise counteracts that tendency by training you to focus your thoughts on your partner’s positive characteristics, even if you aren’t having such a great day together.
For each day below there is a positive statement, or thought, followed by a task. Think about each statement and say it to yourself many times throughout the day while you and your spouse are apart. In some cases the thought may not seem to apply to your spouse or your marriage, especially if your fondness and admiration have dimmed. Keep in mind that the statement does not have to describe the typical state of affairs between you at the present time. If you can think of a single instant or episode where the statement applied, focus on that memory. For example, if you’re not feeling overly attracted to your spouse these days, focus on one area of his or her anatomy that does appeal to you. Also be sure to complete the simple task that follows each positive statement. Do the exercise each day, no matter how you happen to be feeling about your relationship or your spouse. Don’t stop even if you just had a major blow-up or are feeling very distant from each other.
Although this exercise might sound silly or hokey, it is based on a wide body of research into the power of rehearsing positive thoughts. This approach is one of the tenets of cognitive therapy, which has proven highly successful in helping people overcome depression. When people fall into a depression, their thinking may become disordered—they see everything in an extremely negative light, which just adds to their sense of hopelessness. But if, over time, they deliberately accustom their mind to a different, positive way of thinking, the sense of hopelessness can be lifted.
This exercise is an experiment in offering the same hope to marriage. What you’re really doing is rehearsing a more positive way to think about your partner and your relationship. Like any rehearsal, if you do it often enough, the words (and more importantly, the thoughts) will become second nature.
Note: Since most couples spend time apart on Monday through Friday, those are the days that are specified in the schedule below. You can switch the actual days around to better fit your schedule (if, for example, you work on the weekends), as long as you do the exercise five days a week.
Week 1
Monday
Thought: I am genuinely fond of my partner.
Task: List one characteristic you find endearing or lovable.
Tuesday
Thought: I can easily speak of the good times in our marriage.
Task: Pick one good time and write a sentence about it.
Wednesday
Thought: I can easily remember romantic, special times in our marriage.
Task: Pick one such time and think about it.
Thursday
Thought: I am physically attracted to my partner.
Task: Think of one physical attribute you like.
Friday
Thought: My partner has specific qualities that make me proud.
Task: Write down one characteristic that makes you proud.
Week 2
Monday
Thought: I feel a genuine sense of “we” as opposed to “I” in this marriage.
Task: Think of one thing that you both have in common.
Tuesday
Thought: We have the same general beliefs and values.
Task: Describe one belief you share.
Wednesday
Thought: We have common goals.
Task: List one such goal.
Thursday
Thought: My spouse is my best friend.
Task: What secret about you does your spouse know?
Friday
Thought: I get lots of support in this marriage.
Task: Think of a time when your spouse was very supportive of you.
Week 3
Monday
Thought: My home is a place to come to get support and reduce stress.
Task: List a time when your spouse helped you reduce stress.
Tuesday
Thought: I can easily recall the time we first met.
Task: Describe that first meeting on paper.
Wednesday
Thought: I remember many details about deciding to get married.
Task: Write a sentence describing what you remember.
Thursday
Thought: I can recall our wedding and
honeymoon.
Task: Describe one thing about them you enjoyed.
Friday
Thought: We divide up household chores in a fair way.
Task: Describe one way you do this on a regular basis. If you do not do your share, decide on a chore you will take on (such as doing the laundry).
Week 4
Monday
Thought: We are able to plan well and have a sense of control over our lives together.
Task: Describe one thing you both planned together.
Tuesday
Thought: I am proud of this marriage.
Task: List two things about this marriage that you are proud of.
Wednesday
Thought: I am proud of my family.
Task: Recall a specific time when you especially felt this pride.
Thursday
Thought: I don’t like things about my partner, but I can live with them.
Task: What is one of these minor faults you have adapted to?
Friday
Thought: This marriage is a lot better than most I have seen.
Task: Think of a marriage you know that’s awful.
Week 5
Monday
Thought: I was really lucky to meet my spouse.
Task: List one benefit that being married to your spouse offers.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 8
