The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Page 13
It took getting to the heart of a perpetual problem before Tim was able to accept influence from his wife. But in most cases the key is just for the husband to be open to sharing power with his wife, then to get plenty of practice doing so. A husband can start by taking the quiz below, which will give you a sense of how skilled you currently are at accepting your wife’s influence. There’s no reason why wives shouldn’t take the quiz as well, since the more open to influence you both are, the smoother your marriage will be. Then work through the fun exercises that follow. They will help you hone your ability to share power.
Accepting Influence Questionnaire
Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”
1. I am really interested in my spouse’s opinions on our basic issues. T F
2. I usually learn a lot from my spouse even when we disagree. T F
3. I want my partner to feel that what he or she says really counts with me. T F
4. I generally want my spouse to feel influential in this marriage. T F
5. I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. T F
6. My partner has a lot of basic common sense. T F
7. I try to communicate respect even during our disagreements. T F
8. If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out. T F
9. I don’t reject my spouse’s opinions out of hand. T F
10. My partner is not rational enough to take seriously when we discuss our issues. T F
11. I believe in lots of give and take in our discussions. T F
12. I am very persuasive and usually can win arguments with my spouse. T F
13. I feel I have an important say when we make decisions. T F
14. My partner usually has good ideas. T F
15. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. T F
16. I try to listen respectfully, even when I disagree. T F
17. My ideas for solutions are usually much better than my spouse’s. T F
18. I can usually find something to agree with in my partner’s position. T F
19. My partner is usually too emotional. T F
20. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this marriage. T F
Scoring: 1. Give yourself one point for each “true” answer, except for questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20.
2. Subtract one point for each “true” answer to questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20.
6 or above: This is an area of strength in your marriage. You willingly cede power to your spouse, a hallmark of an emotionally intelligent marriage.
Below 6: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. You are having some difficulty accepting influence from your spouse, which can cause a marriage to become dangerously unstable. The first step in righting the situation is to understand just what it means to accept influence. Reread this chapter if you’re still unclear about why it is so essential to share power with your partner. Then the following exercises will show you how to do so.
Exercise 1: Yield to Win
Below is a series of common situations faced by couples I’ve studied. Try to visualize these scenes as if you and your wife were the ones having this conflict. (Wives who are doing this exercise should flip the genders accordingly.) The more vividly you put yourself into each situation, the more effective the exercise will be. No matter how negative you envision your partner as sounding in these scenarios, try to think of the negativity as her way of emphasizing how important this issue is—not as an attack on you. In other words, try to respond to the message, not to your partner’s tone of voice. Assume that within that message is a reasonable request with which you could easily agree. In your notebook describe that reasonable request in a sentence. (In some of these scenarios the demand is implied rather than directly spoken.) Then write down what you could say to express your cooperation. There are no right answers to these exercises, but you’ll find examples of effective responses to each of these scenarios on pages 121–122.
EXAMPLE: When you come home tired from work, you like to eat dinner and then watch TV. But your wife, who works at home all day, wants to go out. One night she gets very angry and claims that you are inconsiderate of her need to escape from the house. You say that you are just too tired to do anything at night. She yells, “Well, what about me? I will go crazy if I can’t get out and have contact with other people!”
Reasonable part of wife’s request: To get out of the house.
You say: “I’m sorry you’re going so stir crazy. What if we have a relaxing dinner at home so I can rest, and then go out for dessert?”
1. You and your wife have not been getting along lately. Part of the problem is that you think she spends way too much money. Now she’s insisting that you undergo expensive marital counseling. You point out that there is simply no money to pay for that until expenses are cut somewhere else. Your wife says, “I disagree. We can’t afford not to get counseling. It’s like borrowing for a needed vacation. We’ve got to do it!”
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
You say:
2. Since your wife is not working, you’ve asked that she clean the house and have dinner on the table by the time you come home. Tonight you walk in to find that the laundry isn’t folded and dinner isn’t made. You complain, and she says, “You never notice how much I have done during the day. You just don’t appreciate how much work it takes to keep the house going.”
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
You say:
3. You’ve gone down to the local bar with a few friends to have a couple of beers. You and your wife have argued frequently about your going out drinking too often. Tonight she keeps calling you at the bar to say that if you don’t come home right now, she’s going to come get you. When you finally walk in the door, she is crying. “Instead of spending all your free time with your buddies at the bar, why don’t you ever take me dancing?”
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
You say:
4. It’s a Saturday afternoon, and your wife has been cleaning and telling you about some repairs the house needs. You feel that she is not willing to make the financial sacrifices in other areas so that you can afford these repairs. She says, “You just don’t think that what I want is important. You’ll find money for things if you want them.”
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
You say:
5. For the past few days your wife has been complaining about your not being very affectionate and considerate when you have sex with her. Tonight after having sex your wife tells you she feels dissatisfied and wants you to touch her more. You tell her that you’re not used to doing things that way. She says, “I understand how you feel, but we’ve got to learn how to turn each other on more. I’ll try to help you.”
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
You say:
6. When you come home from work, the first thing you like to do is to get comfortable, have a drink, read the paper, and take off your shoes and socks. Sometimes you make a bit of a mess in the living room, but you usually clean it up after dinner when you have more energy. One night, when you haven’t cleaned up, your wife says, “It really makes me mad the way you leave your stuff around. I’m tired, too, and I wish I didn’t have to pick up after you. Why can’t you clean up before dinner?”
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
You say:
7. Money has been tight lately, so you’ve come up with a system in which you and your wife discuss every purchase beforehand. Tonight you come home, and she announces she’s bought new bulbs to replace the outside lights, which just blew. She says she bought them without consulting you because she feels the bulbs are absolutely necessary—she doesn’t feel safe at night unless the lights are on. You tell her they may be necessary, but you can’t afford them. She says, “We need to have them whether we can afford them or not.”
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
8. You decide to surprise your wife by buying a new car. As soon as she sees it, she gets very upset. She says, “That’s terrible! I’ll never ride in it. Take it back!”
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
You say:
9. You’ve just come home from work feeling tired, and you still have to run to the hardware store. Your wife, who stays home to raise the kids, says that she has just had a terrible day with them. She asks you to take them with you to the store so she can have some alone time.
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
You say:
10. You like to stay up late and work or watch TV. Your wife likes to go to sleep by eleven. One night around ten-thirty she comes into the den where you’re watching TV and asks you to come to bed. She says that it bothers her that you don’t come to bed until after she’s asleep, because she’d like to have sex more often.
Reasonable part of wife’s request:
You say:
Sample Answers
1. Reasonable part of wife’s request: Your marriage does need help.
You say: “I agree that improving our marriage is very important. Maybe counseling is the answer. Let’s think about how we can cut down somewhere else so we can afford it. Then I won’t be so worried about the money.”
2. Reasonable part of wife’s request: To feel appreciated for the work she does around the house.
You say: “I’m sorry. You’re right, I haven’t noticed. Let’s start over again. Help me to appreciate what has been done. Then maybe I can also pitch in and fold some of this laundry. You have been doing a lot lately. Maybe tonight we should go out to dinner.”
3. Reasonable part of wife’s request: To spend more of your free time with her.
You say: “Great idea. Let’s go down to McSorley’s and dance until we see dawn together like in the old days.”
4. Reasonable part of wife’s request: Your house does need some repairs.
You say: “Okay, maybe you’re right. What repairs do you think we need to do?”
5. Reasonable part of wife’s request: For you to focus on what turns her on.
You say: “This is hard for me to talk about, but I’ll try to listen to you. Tell me how you want to be touched.”
6. Reasonable part of wife’s request: For you to clean up before dinner.
You say: “Sorry, okay, I’ll clean up.” Then do it.
7. Reasonable part of wife’s request: Buying the outside lights was necessary.
You say: “You’re absolutely right that we need them. It’s fine that you bought the lights. Thank you for doing it. But next time can we talk it over first, like we usually do?”
8. Reasonable part of wife’s request: Not to surprise her with a new car.
You say: “We need to talk about this car. Tell me why you’re upset.”
9. Reasonable part of wife’s request: To get a break from the kids.
You say: “Okay. Let’s go for a ride, kids. Ice cream on the way for everybody!”
10. Reasonable part of wife’s request: To have sex more often.
You say: “Great idea. Can you wear the satin nightie? I love making love to you.”
Now that you’ve worked through these examples, you should have a better sense of what it means to “give” in a relationship. The next step is to get used to giving to your spouse and sharing power more in your own marriage. The following fun exercise lets you work on making decisions together. As you do it, remember that the goal is for both of you to be influential and to accept each other’s influence.
Exercise 2: The Gottman Island
Survival Game
Imagine that your cruise ship just sank in the Caribbean, and you awaken to find yourselves on a tropical desert island. Gilligan and Ginger are nowhere in sight—the two of you are the only survivors. One of you is injured. You have no idea where you are. You think there’s some chance that people know of the ship’s distress, but you’re not sure. A storm appears to be on the way. You decide that you need to prepare to survive on this island for some time and also to make sure you’ll be spotted by a rescue party. There is a bunch of stuff from the ship on the beach that could help you, but you can only carry ten items.
Your Mission
STEP 1: Each of you writes down on a separate piece of paper what you consider the ten most important items to keep from the inventory list below, based on your survival plan. Then rank-order these items based on their importance to you. Give the most crucial item a 1, the next most crucial a 2, and so on. There are no right or wrong answers.
Ship’s Inventory
1. Two changes of clothing
2. AM-FM and short-wave radio receiver
3. Ten gallons of water
4. Pots and pans
5. Matches
6. Shovel
7. Backpack
8. Toilet paper
9. Two tents
10. Two sleeping bags
11. Knife
12. Small life raft, with sail
13. Sunblock lotion
14. Cookstove and lantern
15. Long rope
16. Two walkie-talkie sender-receiver units
17. Freeze-dried food for seven days
18. One change of clothing
19. One fifth of whiskey
20. Flares
21. Compass
22. Regional aerial maps
23. Gun with six bullets
24. Fifty packages of condoms
25. First-aid kit with penicillin
26. Oxygen tanks
STEP 2: Share your list with your partner. Together come up with a consensus list of ten items. That means talking it over and working as a team to solve the problem together. Both of you need to be influential in discussing the problem and in making the final decisions.
When you’ve finished, it’s time to evaluate how the game went. You should both answer the questions below.
1. How effective do you think you were at influencing your spouse?
a) Not at all effective
b) Neither effective nor ineffective
c) Somewhat effective
d) Very effective
2. How effective was your spouse at influencing you?
a) Not at all effective
b) Neither effective nor ineffective
c) Somewhat effective
d) Very effective
3. Did either of you try to dominate the other, or were you competitive with each other?
a) A lot
b) Somewhat
c) A little
d) Not at all
4. Did you sulk or withdraw?
a) A lot
b) Somewhat
c) A little
d) Not at all
5. Did your partner sulk or withdraw?
a) A lot
b) Somewhat
c) A little
d) Not at all
6. Did you have fun?
a) Not at all
b) A little
c) Somewhat
d) A lot
7. Did you work well as a team?
a) Not at all
b) A little
c) Somewhat
d) A great deal
8. How much irritability or anger did you feel?
a) A lot
b) Some
c) A little
d) None
9. How much irritability or anger did your partner feel?
a) A lot
b) Some
c) A little
d) None
10. Did you both feel included?
a) Not at all
b) A little
c) A reasonable amount
d) A great deal
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “a” answer, two points for each “b” answer, three points for each “c” answer, and 4 points for each “d” answer. Tally your score.
If your final number is over 24, you’re doing a good job of accept
ing each other’s influence and working together as a team. If you scored 24 or below, your marriage needs further work in this area.
If you’re having difficulty accepting influence, one of the best things you can do for your marriage is to acknowledge the problem and talk with your spouse about it. Nobody can change old habits overnight. But if you’re able to take responsibility for the parts of your marital troubles that are caused by your difficulty with sharing power, that in itself will be a major leap forward for your marriage. Your spouse is likely to feel a great sense of relief and renewed optimism about improving your marriage. The next step is to make your partner an ally in your crusade to overcome this problem. Ask her (or him) to gently point out to you instances where you are being unwittingly domineering, defensive, or disrespectful.
Because all of the Seven Principles are interrelated, the more you work on the others, the easier it will become for you to share power. And of course, the more skilled you become at accepting influence, the easier it will be for you to adhere to the other principles. A willingness to share power and to respect the other person’s view is a prerequisite of compromising. For that reason, becoming more adept at accepting influence will help you cope far better with marital conflict—the focus of Principles 5 and 6. As you’ll see, there are two major categories of disagreements that virtually all couples experience. When coping with either kind, accepting influence will be a cornerstone of success.