7
The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict
Every marriage is a union between two individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages the husband and wife must cope with a profusion of marital issues. Some conflicts are just minor irritants, but others can seem overwhelmingly complex and intense. Too often couples feel mired in conflict or have distanced themselves from each other as a protective device.
Although you may feel your situation is unique, we have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall into one of two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some form or another. Once you are able to identify and define your various disagreements, you’ll be able to customize your coping strategies, depending on which of these two types of conflict you’re having.
PERPETUAL PROBLEMS
Unfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category—69 percent, to be exact. Time and again when we do four-year follow-ups of couples, we find that they are still arguing about precisely the same issue. It’s as if four minutes have passed rather than four years. They’ve donned new clothes, altered their hairstyles, and gained (or lost) a few pounds and wrinkles, but they’re still having the same argument. Here are some typical perpetual problems that the happy couples in our studies are living with:
1. Meg wants to have a baby, but Donald says he’s not ready yet—and doesn’t know if he ever will be.
2. Walter wants sex far more frequently than Dana.
3. Chris is lax about housework and rarely does his share of the chores until Susan nags him, which makes him angry.
4. Tony wants to raise their children as Catholics. Jessica is Jewish and wants their children to follow her faith.
5. Angie thinks Ron is too critical of their son. But Ron thinks he has the right approach: Their son has to be taught the proper way to do things.
Despite their differences these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to deal with their unbudgeable problem so it doesn’t overwhelm them. They’ve learned to keep it in its place and to have a sense of humor about it. For example, one couple we studied, Melinda and Andy, have an ongoing conflict over his reluctance to go on outings with her family. But when they talk to me about this problem, they don’t get angry, they simply relate good-naturedly what happens. Andy starts to tell me what he always ends up saying. Melinda, who knows it all so well, jumps in and offers up his quote for him, mimicking his put-upon voice: “All right, I’ll go.” Then Andy adds that he also says, “Okay, sure, anything you say, dear.”
“We still continue to do that,” Melinda explains to me. Then Andy chuckles and adds, “We don’t even disagree good, do we?” Melinda and Andy haven’t solved their problem, but they’ve learned to live with it and approach it with good humor.
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Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.
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Another happy couple, Carmen and Bill, have a perpetual problem over their disparate degrees of orderliness. Carmen has the discipline of a drill sergeant, while he is a classic absentminded professor. For Carmen’s sake, Bill tries to think about where he’s putting things. For his sake, she tries not to nag him when things get lost. When she finds, say, last month’s phone bill under a two-foot pile of newspapers in their recycling bin, she’ll make her point by gently teasing him—unless she’s feeling excess stress that day, in which case she’ll probably throw a fit, after which he’ll make her a mug of hot chocolate as contrition, and they’ll go on happily with their day. In other words, they are constantly working it out, for the most part good-naturedly. At times it gets better, other times it gets worse. But because they keep acknowledging the problem and talking about it, their love for each other isn’t overwhelmed by their difference.
These couples intuitively understand that problems are inevitably part of a relationship, much the way chronic physical ailments are inevitable as you get older. They are like a trick knee, a bad back, an irritable bowel, or tennis elbow. We may not love these problems, but we are able to cope with them, to avoid situations that worsen them, and to develop strategies and routines that help us deal with them. Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner . . . you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.”
Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with. Wile writes: “Paul married Alice and Alice gets loud at parties and Paul, who is shy, hates that. But if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party. That’s because Paul is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting. She would feel taken for granted, which she is very sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining about this as her attempt to dominate him, which he is very sensitive about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn’t have even gone to the party because they would still be upset about an argument they had the day before about Paul’s not helping with the housework. To Gail, when Paul does not help, she feels abandoned, which she is sensitive about, and to Paul, Gail’s complaining is an attempt at domination, which he is sensitive about.” And so it goes.
In unstable marriages, perpetual problems like these eventually kill the relationship. Instead of coping with the problem effectively, the couple gets gridlocked over it. They have the same conversation about it over and over again. They just spin their wheels, resolving nothing. Because they make no headway, they feel increasingly hurt, frustrated, and rejected by each other. The four horsemen become ever more present when they argue, while humor and affection become less so. They become all the more entrenched in their positions. Gradually they feel physiologically overwhelmed. They start a slow process of trying to isolate or enclose this problem area. But actually they have started becoming emotionally disengaged from each other. They are on the course toward parallel lives and inevitable loneliness—the death knell of any marriage.
THE SIGNS OF GRIDLOCK
If you’re not sure whether you’ve gridlocked over a perpetual problem or are coping well with it, this checklist will help. The characteristics of a gridlocked problem are:
• The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
• You keep talking about it but make no headway.
• You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge.
• When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.
• Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
• You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations.
• This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your view, and all the less willing to compromise.
• Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.
If this sounds painfully familiar, take comfort in knowing that there is a way out of gridlock, no matter how entrenched in it you are. As you’ll see when we get to Principle 6, all you need is motivation and a willingness to explore the hidden issues that are really causing the gridlock. The key will be to uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams you have for your life. I have found that unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict. In other words, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place.
SOLVABLE PROBLEMS
These problems may sound relatively simple compared with unsolvable ones, but they can cause a great deal of pain between husband and wife. Just because a
problem is solvable doesn’t mean it gets resolved. When a solvable problem causes excessive tension, it’s because the couple haven’t learned effective techniques for conquering it. They aren’t to blame—far too many of the conflict resolution ideas recommended by marriage manuals and therapists are not easy to master or apply. Most of these strategies focus on validating your partner’s perspective and learning to be a good listener. There’s nothing wrong with this—except that it’s very hard for most people to do at any time, much less when they’re distressed.
My fifth principle for making marriage work tackles solvable problems head on. It offers an alternative approach to conflict resolution based on my research into what goes right when emotionally intelligent couples handle a disagreement. I will show you how to (1) make sure your startup is soft rather than harsh, (2) learn the effective use of repair attempts, (3) monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding, (4) learn how to compromise, and (5) become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections. Follow this advice, and you’re likely to find that solvable problems no longer interfere with your marital happiness.
TELLING THE DIFFERENCE
If you and your spouse are entrenched in conflict, it may not be obvious which of the two types of disagreement you’re having—gridlocked or solvable. One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones. That’s because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute.
For example, both Rachel and Eleanor complain that their husbands drive too fast. Eleanor has been arguing with her husband Dan about this for years. He always tells her the same thing—she’s overreacting. He’s never had an accident, he reminds her. He says he is not an aggressive driver, he’s an assertive one. She tells him she doesn’t understand why he can’t change his driving habits so she’ll feel less nervous in the car. She ends up yelling that he’s selfish, that he doesn’t care if he kills both of them, and so on. He tells her the real problem is that she doesn’t trust him. Each time they have this squabble, they feel all the more frustrated and hurt and ever more entrenched in their positions. There’s a lot of vilifying on both sides: Dan accuses her of being distrustful. She accuses him of being uncaring.
For Eleanor and Dan, speeding constitutes a perpetual problem they will probably never fully resolve. That’s because their disagreement symbolizes deeper conflicts between them. They are really arguing about Big Issues like trust, security, selfishness. To keep their ongoing battles over driving from ruining their marriage, they’ll need to understand the deeper meaning that this battle has for each of them. Only then will they be able to manage it effectively.
But for Rachel and Jason, disagreements over driving speeds constitute a solvable problem. Every morning they commute together from their suburban home to downtown Pittsburgh. She thinks he drives too fast. He says he has to speed because she takes so long to get ready. If he doesn’t make up for her dawdling by speeding, they’ll both be late to work. Rachel says it takes her so long in the morning because he showers first and takes forever. Plus, he always leaves the breakfast dishes on the table. While she’s busy washing them, he’s honking the horn for her to hurry. Every workday starts with accusations and counteraccusations about showering time and household chores. By the time Jason drops Rachel off at her office, he’s stonewalling and she’s fighting back tears.
This couple’s difficulty over driving is a solvable problem because, for starters, it is situational—it occurs only when they are going to work, and it doesn’t reverberate into other areas of their lives. Unlike Eleanor and Dan, they don’t vilify each other. Their arguments aren’t about his selfishness or her being distrustful—they’re simply about driving and their morning routine. By learning a more effective way to talk with each other about the issue, they could readily find a compromise. They could put blame aside and work out a schedule that got them to work on time, without passing the speed limit. Maybe they could set their alarm fifteen minutes earlier, or she could shower first, or he could just remember to deal with the dishes.
However, if they don’t work to find a compromise on this issue, it’s likely that they will become increasingly resentful and entrenched in their positions. The conflict could deepen and take on more symbolic meaning. In other words, it could evolve into a gridlocked, perpetual problem.
Below I’ve described various scenarios of marital conflict. For each one, mark whether you think it’s solvable or perpetual.
1. Cliff and Lynn agree that it’s Cliff’s job to take out the kitchen trash every evening after dinner. But lately he’s been so distracted by a big deadline looming at work that he forgets. Either Lynn ends up throwing out the garbage herself or the trash just sits there. By morning the apartment smells like a city dump, and Lynn is in a rage.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
2. Elise wants to spend less time with Joel and more time with her friends. Joel says this makes him feel abandoned. Elise says that she needs time away from him. He seems very needy to her, and she’s feeling suffocated by him.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
3. Ingrid wishes that Gary would bring up things that are bothering him rather than sulking. But when he does try to tell her when he’s upset by some things that she’s done, she gets critical about how he has brought them up. She asks him not to mention so many at the same time. He says that since it’s so hard for him to discuss such things, he wants a reward when he does: Namely, he wants Amy to say she’s sorry instead of criticizing his style of communication.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
4. Helena gets together with her friends every Monday night. Jonathan wants her to take a ballroom dancing class together with him, but the only night the class is held is Monday. Helena doesn’t want to give up her girls’ night out.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
5. Penny complains that Roger expects her to do all the work taking care of their newborn son. Roger says he’d like to do more, but because he works during the day, he isn’t as experienced as his wife at diapering, bathing, and the like. Whenever he does try to do something, like pick up the baby when he cries, Penny tells him he’s doing it wrong. This makes him angry and he ends up telling her to do it herself.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
6. Jim works full time while Thea is a stay-at-home mom. He wants her to be more organized about running the house—to clean it more, and to do a better job of planning the mornings so the kids get to school on time. He acts smug and superior to her and gives her the sense that the disorganization in their house is due to a character flaw she has. She feels attacked and gets defensive whenever he raises the subject. She says their house is supposed to be a home, not an army barracks, and that he needs to relax about these issues because his demands are unreasonable. They have been arguing about this for four years.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
7. Whenever Brian and Allyssa have a disagreement, he quickly raises his voice. Allyssa feels intense stress when he yells and tells him to stop. Brian says he doesn’t see anything wrong with yelling when he’s upset. Allyssa starts to cry and tells him she can’t take it. So they find themselves fighting over his yelling rather than whatever issue they disagreed about.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
8. Ever since their baby was born, Kurt has felt that Irene is squeezing him out of her life. She insists on doing all of the child care herself and doesn’t seem to have time for him anymore. She has been thinking a lot about her own childhood. (Her parents divorced when she was two and she was shuffled between relatives’ homes for years.) She tells Kurt she doesn’t want their son Brendan to feel abandoned by her, as she did by her own mother. But Kurt feels betrayed because one of the things he’s always loved about Irene is how nurturing and motherly she is toward him. Now that’s all being directed a
t the baby, and he feels cheated.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
9. Oscar just inherited $5,000 from his great-aunt. He wants to use it to buy home exercise equipment. But Mary thinks they should save it for a down payment on a house. Oscar says the inheritance is really not enough to make a dent in a down payment, so why not use it for something they could enjoy right away? But Mary believes that every little bit adds up and that they have to save as much as they can all the time.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
10. Anita thinks Bert is stingy about tipping waiters, cab drivers, and so on. This upsets her because part of her image of a strong, sexy man is someone who’s generous. When she’s disappointed with Bert, she gets very contemptuous of him. Meanwhile, Bert believes that Anita is too loose with their money, which makes him nervous. To him, money represents security and a sense of control over his life, so it’s hard to give any of it up.
Solvable ____Perpetual ____
Answers
1. Solvable. Cliff has stopped taking out the garbage only recently and for a specific reason that’s not related in any deep way to his relationship with Lynn—namely, he’s under a lot of stress at work. This problem could be solved in any number of ways—from putting a sign on the refrigerator door to remind him, to reshuffling their domestic chores so that Lynn gets garbage detail for a while until Cliff’s work deadline passes.
2. Perpetual. This problem suggests a core difference between Elise and Joel in their personalities and what they need from each other to feel close and connected. This difference is unlikely to change—they’ll need to adjust to it.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 14
