Your softened alternative:
7. You wish that the two of you could save more money.
Harsh startup. You don’t have a clue about how to manage money.
Your softened alternative:
8. You wish your partner would spend more money buying you surprise presents.
Harsh startup. When was the last time you bought me anything?
Your softened alternative:
Sample Answers
1. I’m worried that your mom is going to be critical of me tonight and that you won’t back me up.
2. I’m tired of cooking. It’d be real nice if you took me out.
3. I’m feeling very shy tonight again. Please spend time with me and make it easier for me to talk to other people. You’re so good at that.
4. I’m really missing you lately, you know how much you turn me on. Let’s make love!
5. It would be great if you could get a raise soon. What if we talked about a plan for getting one?
6. I really want to spend some fun time with you this weekend. How about not working and let’s do something fun together? There’s a great movie I’d really like to see.
7. I’m feeling anxious about our savings. Let’s come up with a savings plan, okay?
8. I’m feeling very deprived lately, and I would love it if we surprised each other with a present out of the blue this week. What do you think?
STEP 2: LEARN TO MAKE AND RECEIVE REPAIR ATTEMPTS
When you take driving lessons, the first thing you’re taught is how to stop the car. Putting on the brakes is an important skill in a marriage, too. When your discussion starts off on the wrong foot, or you find yourself in an endless cycle of recriminations, you can prevent a disaster if you know how to stop. I call these brakes repair attempts.
When Michael gets defensive and says, “I definitely clean off the counters in the kitchen and the table whenever we do stuff,” Justine doesn’t immediately discount his point. “Hm-hmm, you do,” she says. This is a repair attempt. It deescalates the tension so that Michael is more receptive to finding a compromise. What separates stable, emotionally intelligent marriages from others is not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out, but that their repair attempts get through to their spouse. This is because the air between them hasn’t been clouded by a lot of negativity.
Repair Attempts Questionnaire
To assess the effectiveness of repair attempts in your own relationship, answer the following.
Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”
During our attempts to resolve conflict:
1. We are good at taking breaks when we need them. T F
2. My partner usually accepts my apologies. T F
3. I can say that I am wrong. T F
4. I am pretty good at calming myself down. T F
5. We can maintain a sense of humor. T F
6. When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense. T F
7. My attempts to repair our discussions when they get negative are usually effective. T F
8. We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things. T F
9. If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things. T F
10. My spouse is good at soothing me when I get upset. T F
11. I feel confident that we can resolve most issues between us. T F
12. When I comment on how we could communicate better my spouse listens to me. T F
13. Even if things get hard at times I know we can get past our differences. T F
14. We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing. T F
15. Teasing and humor usually work to get my spouse over negativity. T F
16. We can start all over again and improve our discussion when we need to. T F
17. When emotions run hot, expressing how upset I feel makes a real difference. T F
18. We can discuss even big differences between us. T F
19. My partner expresses appreciation for nice things I do. T F
20. If I keep trying to communicate it will eventually work. T F
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
6 or above: This is an area of strength in your marriage. When marital discussions are at risk of getting out of hand, you are able to put on the brakes and effectively calm each other down.
Below 6: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. By learning how to repair your interactions when negativity engulfs you, you can dramatically improve the effectiveness of your problem solving and develop a more positive perspective of each other and your marriage.
GETTING THE MESSAGE THROUGH
As I said, the key factor in whether a repair attempt is effective is the state of the relationship. In happy marriages, couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy ones, even the most eloquent repair attempt can fall on deaf ears. But now that you know this, you can “buck the system.” You don’t have to wait for your marriage to improve before you start hearing each other’s repair attempts. Start now by focusing intently on these “brakes” and training each other to recognize when one is sent your way. Do this, and you can pull yourselves out of the downward cycle of negativity.
* * *
Your future together can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control.
* * *
One reason couples miss each other’s repair attempts is that they don’t always come sugarcoated. If your spouse yells, “You’re getting off the topic!” or grumbles, “Can we take a break?” that’s a repair attempt despite the negative delivery. If you listen to your partner’s tone rather than the words, you could miss his real message, which is “Stop! This is getting out of hand.” Because repair attempts can be difficult to hear if your relationship is engulfed in negativity, the best strategy is to make your attempts obviously formal in order to emphasize them. Below you’ll find a long list of scripted phrases. These are specific words you can say to your spouse to deescalate the tension. By using them when arguments get too negative, you’ll be able to keep your discussions from spiraling out of control. Some couples even copy this list and stick it on their refrigerator for handy reference.
Many, if not all, of these phrases probably sound phony and unnatural to you right now. That’s because they offer a very different way of speaking with your spouse when you’re upset. But their phoniness is not a reason to reject them. If you learned a better and more effective way to hold your tennis racket, it would feel “wrong” and “unnatural” initially, simply because you weren’t used to it yet. The same goes for these repair attempts. Over time they’ll come easily to you, and you’ll modify them to more closely suit your style of speech and personality.
I Feel
1. I’m getting scared.
2. Please say that more gently.
3. Did I do something wrong?
4. That hurt my feelings.
5. That felt like an insult.
6. I’m feeling sad.
7. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
8. I’m feeling unappreciated.
9. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?
10. Please don’t lecture me.
11. I don’t feel like you understand me right now.
12. I am starting to feel flooded.
13. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
14. I’m getting worried.
I Need to Calm Down
1. Can you make things safer for me?
2. I need things to be calmer right now.
3. I need your support right now.
4. Just listen to me right now and try to understand.
5. Tell me you love me.
6. Can I have a kiss?
7. Can I take that back?
8. Please be gentler with me.
9. Please he
lp me calm down.
10. Please be quiet and listen to me.
11. This is important to me. Please listen.
12. I need to finish what I was saying.
13. I am starting to feel flooded.
14. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
15. Can we take a break?
Sorry
1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry.
2. I really blew that one.
3. Let me try again.
4. I want to be gentler to you right now, and I don’t know how.
5. Tell me what you hear me saying.
6. I can see my part in all this.
7. How can I make things better?
8. Let’s try that over again.
9. What you are saying is . . .
10. Let me start again in a softer way.
11. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
Get to Yes
1. You’re starting to convince me.
2. I agree with part of what you’re saying.
3. Let’s compromise here.
4. Let’s find our common ground.
5. I never thought of things that way.
6. This problem is not very serious in the big picture.
7. I think your point of view makes sense.
8. Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.
9. I am thankful for . . .
10. One thing I admire about you is . . .
11. I see what you’re talking about.
Stop Action!
1. I might be wrong here.
2. Please, let’s stop for a while.
3. Let’s take a break.
4. Give me a moment. I’ll be back.
5. I’m feeling flooded.
6. Please stop.
7. Let’s agree to disagree here.
8. Let’s start all over again.
9. Hang in there. Don’t withdraw.
10. I want to change the topic.
11. We are getting off track.
I Appreciate
1. I know this isn’t your fault.
2. My part of this problem is . . .
3. I see your point.
4. Thank you for . . .
5. That’s a good point.
6. We are both saying . . .
7. I understand.
8. I love you.
9. I am thankful for . . .
10. One thing I admire about you is . . .
11. This is not your problem, it’s our problem.
Formalizing repair attempts by using these scripted phrases can help you defuse arguments in two ways. First, the formality of a script ensures that you will use the type of words that work well for putting on the brakes. Second, these phrases are like megaphones—they help ensure that you pay attention to a repair attempt when you’re on the receiving end.
Now it’s time to use the above checklist to help you resolve an issue in your marriage. Choose a low-intensity conflict to discuss. Each of you gets to talk for fifteen minutes. Make sure you both use at least one phrase from the list of phrases during the discussion. Announce to your partner beforehand that you’re about to make a repair attempt. You can even refer to the attempt by number, as in, “I’m making repair attempt number six under I Feel: ‘I’m feeling sad.’ ”
When your partner announces a repair attempt, your job is simply to try to accept it. View the interruption as a bid to make things better. Accept the attempt in the spirit in which it was intended. This entails accepting your partner’s influence. For example, if he or she says, “I need to finish what I’m saying,” acknowledge that need and then encourage your partner to keep talking to you. As you continue to use the list in your conversations, eventually you might consider replacing it with some other ritual, like raising your hand and announcing point-blank, “This is a repair attempt!” Or you may come up with other effective repairs that better fit your personality and relationship. For example, a couple we know say “clip clop” to each other if one of them introduces one of the four horsemen into a discussion. The humor in this repair helps defuse the negativity all the more.
STEP 3: SOOTHE YOURSELF AND EACH OTHER
While Justine is in the middle of discussing laundry with Michael, he does something that seems incidental but really has great significance for their chances of a happy future: He yawns. Cleaning house is not the most fascinating subject, but Michael doesn’t yawn because Justine is boring him. He yawns because he is relaxed. When you’re feeling angry or anxious, yawning is just about the least likely physiological reaction you’re going to have. Michael’s yawn is like an announcement that he’s feeling soothed by Justine, even though she’s discussing an area of conflict. Because no alarms are going off in his body (or mind), he is able to discuss housework and reach a compromise with Justine easily.
* * *
It is harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument than a woman’s.
* * *
In less stable marriages, however, conflict discussions can lead to the opposite reaction—they can trigger flooding. When this occurs, you feel overwhelmed both emotionally and physically. Most likely you think thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) or innocent victimhood (“Why is she always picking on me?”). Meanwhile, your body is in distress. Usually your heart is pounding, you’re sweating, you’re holding your breath.
I have found that in the vast majority of cases, when one spouse does not “get” the other’s repair attempt, it’s because the listener is flooded and therefore can’t really hear what the spouse is saying. When you’re in this condition, the most thoughtful repair attempt in the world won’t benefit your marriage.
Flooding Questionnaire
To discover whether flooding is a significant problem in your relationship, answer the following questions:
Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”
1. Our discussions get too heated. T F
2. I have a hard time calming down. T F
3. One of us is going to say something we will regret. T F
4. My partner gets too upset. T F
5. After a fight I want to keep my distance. T F
6. My partner yells unnecessarily. T F
7. I feel overwhelmed by our arguments. T F
8. I can’t think straight when my partner gets hostile. T F
9. Why can’t we talk more logically? T F
10. My partner’s negativity often comes out of nowhere. T F
11. There’s often no stopping my partner’s temper. T F
12. I feel like running away during our fights. T F
13. Small issues suddenly become big ones. T F
14. I can’t calm down very easily during an argument. T F
15. My partner has a long list of unreasonable demands. T F
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
Below 6: This is an area of strength in your marriage. You are able to confront differences of opinion with your spouse without feeling overwhelmed. This means that you are not feeling victimized or hostile toward your spouse during disagreements. That’s good news since it indicates that you are able to communicate with each other without negativity getting out of hand. As a result, you’re better able to resolve conflicts (and avoid gridlock over issues that are unresolvable).
6 or above: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Your score suggests that you tend to get flooded during arguments with your spouse. When this occurs, any likelihood that the problem can be resolved ceases. You are feeling too agitated to really hear what your spouse is saying or to learn any helpful conflict-resolution skills. Read on to find out how to cope with this problem.
Exercise 2: Self-Soothing
The first step is to stop the discussion. If you keep going, you’ll find yourself exploding at your spouse or imploding (stonewalling), neither of which will get you anywhere other than one step farther down the marital c
ascades that lead to divorce. The only reasonable strategy, therefore, is to let your spouse know that you’re feeling flooded and need to take a break. That break should last at least twenty minutes, since it will be that long before your body calms down. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation and innocent victimhood. Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music or exercising.
Many people find that the best approach to self-soothing is to focus on calming the body through a meditative technique. Here’s a simple one:
1. Sit in a comfortable chair, or lie on your back on the floor.
2. Focus on controlling your breathing. Usually when you get flooded, you either hold your breath a lot or breathe shallowly. So close your eyes and focus on taking deep, regular breaths.
3. Relax your muscles. One at a time, tightly squeeze the muscle groups that seem tense (usually, your forehead and jaw, neck, shoulders, arms, and back). Hold for two seconds, then release.
4. Let the tension flow out of each muscle group, and get that muscle group to feel heavy by imagining that it is.
5. Let the tension flow out of each (now-heavy) muscle group, and get that muscle group to feel warm. One way is to keep your eyes closed and focus on one calming vision or idea. Many people find it effective to think of a place they associate with calmness, like a forest, a lake, or a beach. Imagine this place as vividly as you can. Keep focused on this calming vision for about thirty seconds.
6. Find a personal image that brings all of this soothing to mind. For example, I think of a place I know on Orca Island in Washington State, where the loudest sound is the wind rustling the trees as young eagles residing in a nearby rookery soar by. Conjuring that image relaxes me and automatically triggers all of the other steps of self-soothing.
I think taking a break of this sort is so important that I schedule this exercise into the conflict-resolution section of every workshop I run. Invariably I get the same response from participants. At first, they moan and groan about being forced to relax. Some are quite cynical about relaxation exercises and can’t see how closing their eyes and thinking about a lake can help cure their marital woes. And yet once they do the exercise, they realize how powerful and helpful it really is. Suddenly everybody in the room relaxes. You can see the difference in how couples relate to each other. Their voices get softer; there is more chuckling. Soothing themselves has made them better able to work on their conflicts as a team rather than as adversaries.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 18
