by Nora Ephron
All the technicians and makeup people rush in with boxes of Kleenex. LILLIAN dries her eyes, and more makeup is applied.
INTERVIEWER: Are you all right, Miss Hellman? Do you want to stop—
LILLIAN: No. I’ll be fine.
And now we see MARY, in the café in Paris, being interviewed by a very young REPORTER with a very low-tech tape recorder. This PARIS REPORTER puts a cassette into the recorder and presses record.
PARIS REPORTER: Just a second. [Into the machine.] Testing one two three four. Sorry about this. I always do this because I’m sure it’s not going to work.
The PARIS REPORTER presses the rewind button, and the machine rewinds. The PARIS REPORTER presses the play button. The machine says: “Testing one two three four.”
I once interviewed Leslie Caron, and the machine didn’t work, so I lost the whole thing. Which is why I bring a notebook, just in case, but then I usually forget to take notes. [Pressing the record button.] All right. All set. [Picks up the recorder to make sure the tape is spinning, sets it down.] You are not at all what I imagined—
MARY: Really. What did you imagine?
PARIS REPORTER: I don’t know. I mean, I saw Julia recently.
MARY: Who is Julia?
PARIS REPORTER: The movie. It’s based on this Lillian Hellman story. Jane Fonda, Jason Robards. And I thought you were going to be more like—
MARY: Like Jane Fonda?
PARIS REPORTER: No, no. But—
MARY: Surely not like Lillian Hellman?
PARIS REPORTER: I don’t know. You’re so ladylike … you’d hardly guess … you’re Mary McCarthy, if you know what I mean.
MARY lights a cigarette.
Cigarettes. That’s more like it. [Fumbling with the notebook.] I guess you didn’t see Julia.
MARY: No, I didn’t.
PARIS REPORTER: Oh, it’s great. It’s about how Lillian Hellman smuggled all this money into Germany in a fur hat and saved people from the Nazis.
MARY: Mmmmmmm.
PARIS REPORTER: Did you read Scoundrel Time?
MARY: No … although I did read about it—
PARIS REPORTER: She stood up to Senator McCarthy, you know. She was the only one, really. She said, “I cannot fit my conscience into your expectations.” Something like that.
MARY exhales smoke straight at the reporter.
What do you think of her?
MARY: Lillian Hellman? I can’t stand her. [She smiles.]
PARIS REPORTER: Really? Gosh. Why?
MARY: I first met her at Sarah Lawrence—[To the audience.] Blah blah blah—[Back to the PARIS REPORTER.] John Dos Passos—[Back to the audience.] Blah blah blah—[Back to the PARIS REPORTER.] D-O-S P-A-S-S-O-S. Two “S’s”—
PARIS REPORTER: Thank you.
MARY: … didn’t like the food in Madrid—[Back to the audience.] Blah blah blah—[Back to the PARIS REPORTER.] She was just brainwashing those girls—it was really vicious. And so somebody like that writes a book like Scoundrel Time, and I think that it’s still scoundrel time as far as she’s concerned. It’s as if she thinks she’s the only person who behaved morally during the McCarthy period. Everything she writes is false, including “and” and “but.”
MARY smiles again. Big smile this time, the smile you smile when you say something funny for the very first time and it’s a surprise to you. The PARIS REPORTER looks down at the tape recorder to make sure it’s working.
Is that working?
PARIS REPORTER: Yes.
MARY: Good.
The PARIS REPORTER exits and we’re now in New York. MARY’s college friend ABBY KAISER sits down. Like MARY, she is dressed like a garden-club matron.
ABBY KAISER: How’s it going?
MARY: No one’s said a thing. Never a good sign, I’m afraid, so it’s probably not selling at all. But I’m going to be on Dick Cavett. He’s going to do two shows.
ABBY KAISER: Two! Oh, Mary, that will help, won’t it?
MARY: Let’s hope so. Does anyone watch it?
ABBY KAISER: Less so now that it’s on public television, but the advantage is that everyone who watches it buys books, so you’re reaching the people you want to, the core audience, I think it’s called. What are you going to say?
MARY: I don’t know. I have to come up with something clever, I suppose.
ABBY KAISER: You always say the cleverest things—
MARY: You think they’re clever.
ABBY KAISER: They are clever. They’re famously clever.
MARY: I did an interview in Paris a few months ago—
ABBY KAISER: I saw it. In that little English-language newspaper.
MARY: You saw it?
ABBY KAISER: Someone sent it to me. Someone I know who knows I went to Vassar with you, who sends me everything about you.…
MARY: It was not a very nice article.
ABBY KAISER: I know.
MARY: The writer kept comparing me to Lillian Hellman. I had no idea that’s what he was going to do. All about dashing Lillian Hellman and frumpy me.
ABBY KAISER: Can you imagine? Well, you can’t let things like that bother you.
MARY: Oh, I don’t, really. [Beat.] He wrote that I looked like a garden-club matron. [Beat.] But I said something funny in it, I think. About Lillian Hellman. I said, “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but.’”
ABBY KAISER: Yes, that is funny. And clever. “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but.’” That’s good, Mary.
MARY: Do you think I should say it? On Dick Cavett?
ABBY KAISER: Sure. How do you do that?
MARY: Do what?
ABBY KAISER: Say it? Do you just sort of pop it in?
MARY: Dick Cavett has to ask me a question that it’s the answer to.
ABBY KAISER: How do you get him to do that?
MARY: They call you ahead of time and ask you what you want to talk about.
ABBY KAISER: Oh, is that how they do it? I’m so stupid. So he says, “What do you think of Lillian Hellman?” Like it just crossed his mind?
MARY: Well, that’s a little obvious. More like “What writers do you think are … overrated?” or something.
ABBY KAISER: And then you can say, “Lillian Hellman, everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but.’” Amazing. I had no idea.
A beat.
MARY: Do you think I should say, “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘but,’” or should I say, “Everything she writes is false, including ‘and’ and ‘the’”?
ABBY KAISER: Gosh, I don’t know. They’re not too different.
MARY: [Trying them both.] Everything she writes is false, including “and” and “but.”
Everything she writes is false, including “and” and “the.” [Beat.] I think if I say “‘and’ and ‘but,’” people might be confused by the word “but,” but if I say “‘and’ and ‘the’”—I mean, obviously I’d have to pronounce it “the”—[Sounding like “thee.”]—as opposed to “the”—[Sounding like “thuh.”]—so people will be able to hear what I’m saying—[Beat.] I don’t want to have to make little quote marks with my fingers.
ABBY KAISER: I always do that.
MARY: “The” is better, I think. It’s so much more devoid of meaning than “but,” if you see what I mean.
ABBY KAISER: I “see.” [She makes little quote marks and laughs.]
MARY: Do you think “Everything she writes is false” or “Everything she writes is a lie”—
ABBY KAISER: Including “‘and’ and ‘the’” or “‘and’ and ‘but’”?
MARY: [Trying out other possibilities.] “Everything she writes”? “Every word she writes”?
A pause while MARY thinks about this.
ABBY KAISER: What are you wearing?
MARY: I don’t know. Probably something matronly.
They both laugh.
ABBY KAISER: Are you nervous?
MARY: No, of course n
ot. It’s just a television show that almost no one watches, right?
ABBY KAISER: Absolutely
Scene 4
The Dick Cavett Show. January 25, 1980
MARY is being interviewed by DICK CAVETT. Her image is projected on the scrim behind her.
On the other side of the stage, a television set hangs from the ceiling over a bed. LILLIAN is next to the bed in a bathrobe, smoking a cigarette.
LILLIAN: I was watching, you know. I saw you say it.
She climbs into the bed. We see the bed from the back, so that what we mostly see is a headboard with a curl of smoke rising above it.
DICK CAVETT: Are there any writers you think are overrated?
MARY: The only one I can think of is a holdover like Lillian Hellman, who I think is tremendously overrated, a bad writer, a dishonest writer, but she really belongs to the past.…
DICK CAVETT: What is so dishonest about her?
MARY: Everything. But I said once in some interview that every word she writes is a lie, including “and” and “the.”
And now LILLIAN rises up in the bed like Frumasera, and we have some fantastic visual effect of a giant black beast rising up and causing a BLACKOUT.
Scene 5
Voila.
We hear a doorbell ringing, and now we see the suggestion of a Paris apartment as MARY walks toward the door and opens it. A SUMMONS SERVER stands there.
SUMMONS SERVER: Madame Mary McCarthy?
MARY: Oui?
SUMMONS SERVER: Voila.
He hands her the summons. She looks at it.
BLACKOUT.
Scene 6
Imaginary friends.
The fig tree again.
The ENSEMBLE sings a reprise of “Fig Tree Rag.”
ENSEMBLE:
AND ONCE AGAIN WE SEE THE FIG TREE
THAT BIG FIG TREE
UP ABOVE
AND ONCE AGAIN WE VISIT FIZZY
WHO’S ALL DIZZY
AND IN LOVE
BUT NOW WE GET A VARIATION
A MUTATION
IF YOU WILL SHOW US THE SCENE AGAIN
RUN THE ROUTINE AGAIN
LOOK AT WHO’S BACK ON THE BILL
FIZZY AND MAX
THEY’RE GONNA DO THE FIG TREE RAG
I WANNA DO THE FIG TREE RAG
WITH YOU
The door to the house in New Orleans opens, and FIZZY comes out. She sits on the front porch and takes out a fan and starts to fan herself with it. The branches of the fig tree part, and we see LILLIAN and MARY sitting in it.
MARY: Very Tennessee Williams.
LILLIAN: You don’t like the fan?
MARY: It just seems derivative.
LILLIAN: But it’s a hot day—
MARY: Lose the fan.
MAX HELLMAN, LILLIAN’s father, comes from around the back of the house and looks at FIZZY as she sits there. FIZZY turns and sees him. She drops the fan with a huge clatter. MAX HELLMAN tips his hat.
FIZZY: Max! What a surprise. When did you get back?
MAX HELLMAN: Train just got in. Beautiful morning, isn’t it? Even prettier now that I see you.
MARY: You know what I have never understood? Why is no one Jewish in your plays?
MAX HELLMAN: [Singing and davening.] Oy oy oy oy oy—
LILLIAN: Like that?
MARY: No, not like that—
LILLIAN: We didn’t really think of ourselves as Jews. We thought of ourselves as southerners—
MARY: Yes, and here comes a perfect example of it—
MAX HELLMAN: What were you thinking about?
FIZZY: Just now? Summertime, and my mama’s hummingbird garden. Sarah and I used to sit still as statues on the stone bench and see if we could get the birds to buzz around our heads. Once I put a piece of honeysuckle in my mouth—
MAX HELLMAN suddenly kisses FIZZY, a long, passionate kiss.
MARY: The kiss, on the other hand, is good, if only because it gets her to stop talking.
LILLIAN: I give up. You write the scene.
MARY: All right. I will.
MARY and LILLIAN cover themselves with the branches of the fig tree. MAX HELLMAN and FIZZY stop kissing. FIZZY slaps MAX HELLMAN.
MAX HELLMAN: Fizzy? Why did you do that?
FIZZY: I’m practically not speaking to you, Max Hellman.
MAX HELLMAN: Why, Fizzy? Tell me?
FIZZY shakes her head.
Come on, tell me.
He touches her gently. She softens.
Come on.
FIZZY: You said you’d send me a postcard from Chicago and you didn’t—
MAX HELLMAN: How could I send you a postcard with that nosy child of mine poking into every crevice—
FIZZY: I know. She spies on me when I’m getting dressed, and she tells lies, too, Max, she tells lies all the time, everything she says is a lie, including—
The branches in the tree start to rustle wildly.
LILLIAN: I hate you!
MARY: I hate you!
LILLIAN: I hate you more!
MARY: I hate you more!
And both of them fall out of the tree. Splat. FIZZY screams and runs off. The MAN playing MAX HELLMAN is left onstage with the two dolls. He takes off his MAX HELLMAN costume and starts to sing “I Would but I Can’t.”
MAN:
I CAN’T FIX THIS
I CAN’T HELP YOU
ALL NIGHT LONG
I’VE PLAYED ALL THE MEN
AND NONE OF IT HAS MADE A BIT O’ DIFFERENCE
NONE OF IT HAS EVEN MADE A DENT
I CAN’T FIX THIS
I ADMIT IT
HIT IT
IF I COULD MAKE YOU HAPPY
I WOULD, BUT I CAN’T
IF I COULD SLAY YOUR DRAGONS
I WOULD, BUT I CAN’T
NO NO
I’VE GIVEN YOU MY ALL
WHENEVER YOU WOULD CALL
I DID WHAT HAD TO BE DONE
LORD, HOW I’VE RUN
NOT TO SAY IN ANY WAY
YOU GALS AIN’T FUN
BUT IF WE NEVER DID THIS AGAIN
I’D BE FINE
AND THOUGH YOU’VE GOT YOUR TROUBLES
WHAT’S YOURS ISN’T MINE
NO NO
SO HERE’S THE NEWS
GET BACK IN YOUR SHOES
AND TAKE THIS GHOST OF A CHANCE
WE’RE HERE UNTIL YOU FIGURE THIS OUT
JUST DANCE
LET’S DANCE
LET’S DANCE
LET’S DANCE
DON’T KEEP ME PLAYIN’
EVERY TOM DICK AND BEN
I’VE RUN THE GAMUT
FROM RAHV TO HAMMETT
I LIKE A DOLL
WHO LIKES TO FOLLOW
NOW AND THEN
SO HERE’S THE THING
GET BACK IN THE RING
AND LET ME SAY IN ADVANCE
YOU’RE HERE UNTIL YOU FIGURE THIS OUT
FIGURE WHAT THE BOUT IS ABOUT
AND UNTIL YOU FIGURE IT OUT
YOU’LL DANCE
JUST DANCE
LET’S DANCE
BLACKOUT.
Scene 7
Hellman versus McCarthy.
We see LILLIAN and MARY. Both of them are older now.
MARY: Hellman versus McCarthy.
LILLIAN: It was huge.
MARY: She sued me for two million dollars.
LILLIAN: Two point two five million dollars.
MARY: It was on the front page of The New York Times.
LILLIAN: They called all my old enemies.
MARY: And mine, who were suddenly my friends.
LILLIAN: At some point Norman Mailer got involved.
NORMAN MAILER enters.
NORMAN MAILER: If I may—
LILLIAN: Get out of here, Norman—
MARY: [At the same time.] Go away.
As NORMAN MAILER disappears.
He wrote an article—
LILLIAN: In The New York Times Book Review—
&nb
sp; MARY: I knew he would be on my side.
LILLIAN: And I knew he would be on mine.
MARY: But he attacked us both.
LILLIAN: He said you were stupid to have said what you did.
MARY: He said you should drop the lawsuit.
LILLIAN: I stopped speaking to him.
MARY: So did I.
LILLIAN: And I certainly didn’t drop the lawsuit.
MARY: Although you offered to if I took it all back. Your lawyer had lunch with my lawyer—
MARY walks over to a table with a tea service on it and sits down with her LAWYER.
MARY’S LAWYER: I had lunch with her lawyer.
MARY: Milk or lemon?
MARY’S LAWYER: Neither. Look, Mary, you don’t want to go to court with this. Just to answer the papers she filed will cost thousands and thousands of dollars. So if you’re willing to say something in the form of a retraction—
MARY: Something like what? [She passes a tray of cookies.]
MARY’S LAWYER: Something like “I didn’t mean to suggest that Lillian Hellman was a liar.”
MARY: But I did.
MARY’S LAWYER: I know you did. But just say it.
MARY: But it wouldn’t be true—
MARY’S LAWYER: Everyone will understand—
MARY: Every day I get another letter from someone documenting yet another lie. Do you know what Gore Vidal said about her and Dashiell Hammett? He said, “Did anyone ever see them together?”
MARY’S LAWYER: You can’t win the case by proving she’s a liar—
MARY: Nonetheless, I am collecting her lies. I am pinning them, like dead butterflies, on a wall of cotton.
A beat.
MARY’S LAWYER: So I should call and say you won’t apologize.
MARY: Never ever. I’m not sorry I said it, I’m not. I’m sorry it didn’t sell more copies of my book. I’m sorry it will bankrupt me. And I’m sorry about the sleepless nights—[She lights a cigarette; then, re: the cigarette.]—one of my three a day—
MARY’S LAWYER: Some people love sleepless nights. Some people thrive on litigation.
MARY: Presumably they’re people with more than sixty-three thousand dollars in the bank. In case anyone asks, tell them I’m sleeping like a baby. I can’t apologize. I didn’t do anything wrong.
MARY’S LAWYER: But you’d just be saying it to make it go away. Everyone will understand.
