by Tessa Cole
Gideon was still hyperventilating, and the chill deepened, thickening the fog. I wanted to tell him it was all right, that it didn’t hurt any more, or at least not that much. But I couldn’t get my mouth to move, and then I was floating, half hearing, half feeling, riding the heat of Kol’s magic.
I blinked, my lids moving in slow motion, the darkness clinging to me, and when I opened my eyes, Gideon, Amiah, and Cassey were gone. So, too, was triage. I lay in one of Operations’ hospital rooms, hooked up to a softly beeping monitor and an IV, dressed in a hospital gown. My chest throbbed, with the promise of searing pain tickling at the edge of what I could only assume were drug-muted senses.
The lights in the room were low, which meant the lights in the hall were low, too. Unless I wasn’t in a room with an observation window. I turned my head just enough to see. Yep, a window, with the blinds up. Did the low lights mean it was still night and I hadn’t been out for that long?
I had no idea.
“I can’t do this, Amiah,” Gideon said, his voice low and still breaking with pain and fear. “I can’t. How the hell do I do this?”
I searched the hall — since his voice was too far away to be in the room — and caught a glimpse of him almost out of sight of the window. He stood shaking, his forehead against the wall opposite the window, and everything within me said I had to go to him, comfort him, tell him I was alive and okay.
“I don’t even know her. I don’t even want to know her, and yet when I knew she was dying—” He drew in a choked breath and looked at someone out of sight. “It was worse than watching Zella die. I couldn’t think of anything else and my soul—” He shuddered. “If she dies, I’m going to lose my mind.”
“No,” Amiah said, her tone firm. “She’s human and you’re stronger than her.”
He pressed his hand to the wall, and his fear deepened, stinging my cheeks with frost and digging into my chest as a genuine emotion. “She can take my magic and use it.”
Amiah gasped, her surprise zinging through me before it twisted into anger. “You can deal with that.”
“I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want any of this.”
And he didn’t. I could feel it in my soul. He didn’t want me, didn’t want our bond, and didn’t want a repeat of the terror he’d just experienced.
“Well, you can’t fight it,” Amiah said, her tone now tender, surprising me. “She has your brand. She’s your mate.”
Gideon’s desperation deepened, and he drew in another ragged breath. “She might have my brand, but she’s not my mate. She’s Marcus’s. And she was his before she was mine.” The hand I could see fisted, and he punched the wall, cracking the drywall. “But everything within me says Essie, a complete stranger, is mine. Mine. What am I supposed to do with that? I’m not fighting Marcus for his mate. I’d have to kill him. He’d never submit and give her up.”
Amiah huffed and a flicker of something dark and hard, I wasn’t sure what, whispered through all the other emotions. “Marcus’s wolf will just have to pick someone else.”
My thoughts stuttered, stuck on Amiah’s strange emotion, then jerked to her words. Marcus would pick someone else? But I didn’t want Marcus to pick someone else.
“Easier said than done,” Gideon said.
“He at least can do it. You can’t.” She sounded so certain, so determined.
Except didn’t I have a say in this? It was my life, too. Marcus and I had been destined long before Gideon and me. I knew that in the core of my soul.
Amiah’s hand slipped into view, rubbing slow circles over Gideon’s back, and her emotions turned to pity. “Fate says she belongs to you and you to her.”
“Fate also said this is supposed to be beautiful, magical, perfect destiny,” he said, his tone and emotions turning bitter and squeezing in my chest. “Nothing about this is beautiful or magical. It’s a nightmare.”
“Gideon—”
“I can’t love her. I never want to.” He spat out the words, his fear and grief and frustration battering me and stealing my breath.
My throat tightened and my eyes burned. I wrenched my face away from the window and pressed my mouth into the pillow to hide my sobs.
His words shouldn’t have hurt. God, why did they hurt so much? I didn’t want this, either. I wasn’t in love with him. I was in love with Marcus. And Gideon was an angel who despised nephilim. I should be terrified of him. Which I was, both because of what he’d do if he found out the truth and of how much his words hurt me. God, those word and the dark storm of his emotions—
They sliced into my soul and shattered me.
Chapter 21
I must have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes again they were raw, my enspelled contacts scratchy and irritated. Technically I was supposed to be able to have a full night’s sleep with them in, but I hadn’t taken them out and cleaned them in over twenty-four hours, and I was paying the price. My buzz now screamed at me, grating on my nerves even though I still floated on a hazy cloud of painkillers, and the room’s temperature flashed from hot to cold. Agony still throbbed, far away, still at the edge of my senses, and I couldn’t focus long enough on that to figure out if that was because Amiah hadn’t fully healed me, or if it was some kind of side effect of the massive amount of magic Amiah would have needed to use to save me.
“—need to see her,” Marcus said from somewhere in the hall outside my door.
Ah, the source of the temperature fluctuations.
“Let her sleep,” Gideon said, his tone flat. But his emotions, real, inside me and not just the air temperature, twisted, a nauseating whirl in my chest.
“You can’t stop me.” Marcus’s tone darkened and the air grew hotter.
“I’m not, just give her time to rest,” Gideon snapped, his anger growing. “Amiah didn’t want to risk killing her or giving her brain damage by flooding her with the magic necessary to completely heal her.”
“She isn’t fully healed?” Jacob asked, his voice a low rumble, drawing a small twist in my chest from his claim.
Well, that explained why my chest still hurt and why I was still doped up on painkillers.
“We can’t take her in the field if she’s still hurt,” Marcus said.
“We’re not taking her in the field.” Fear from Gideon flashed through me, and my buzz spiked.
“We may not have a choice,” Jacob said. “If I couldn’t feel the key manifesting, I might not be able to feel where the seal is manifesting.”
“I’m not putting her in Logan’s sights again,” Gideon said. “She’s human. She doesn’t belong on a JP team.”
“That shot would have killed any of us,” Marcus growled, “except for maybe Kol, but only if he was at full power.”
“That doesn’t make it any better.” Guilt twisted into Gideon’s fear.
“You can’t blame yourself.” Jacob’s back and shoulder shifted into sight at the edge of the window. “She was the best one to grab the key.”
“I don’t blame myself,” Gideon said, but his guilt twisted tighter. “She’s a liability. We lost the key, the remaining ferals, and Logan because she was shot. That wouldn’t have happened if it had been anyone else on the team.”
“You can’t just kick her off,” Marcus said, heat flashing through the air.
“How are you not on board with this?” Gideon asked. “I know your wolf has claimed her. Stop pretending you don’t care.”
“I’m not going to let you destroy her life,” Marcus growled. “She’s always wanted to be a cop, and she’s a damn good one, too. You kick her off the team, and she’s lost her job, her identity.”
“At least she’d be alive.” A hint of fear swept through Gideon’s guilt.
“If you actually cared for her, you’d know she wouldn’t be, not really,” Marcus said, the air jumping and staying at sweltering. “And then what? She’s fucking stuck with you. Would your brand let her leave town?”
Gideon’s fear exploded within me,
and the buzz went crazy. I gritted my teeth against the pain and tried to concentrate on their conversation.
“Of course I would,” Gideon said.
But I could tell that was a lie even without his emotions raging through me. My throat tightened with tears again. He didn’t want me, but he’d never let me go. And why did that hurt? It should make me furious.
“You could try,” Jacob said, “but an angelic mating brand is powerful.”
“She’s a danger to the team,” Gideon said.
“She killed the archnephilim, and saved me in the ferals’ nest by nearly killing Logan.” Jacob crossed his arms, making his T-shirt strain against his broad, muscular back. “We have to have a human on the team. She’s a good candidate. Imagine the kind of asset she’d be if she was properly trained.”
“You, too?” White light flickering in the hall had to be the magic in Gideon’s eyes flaring.
Jacob’s support surprised me, too, since if I died, he would starve to death.
But then if I was kicked off the team and off the police force, what would I do? Gideon wouldn’t let me leave town. Would I be happy holding down some office job? The thought made my stomach churn. I didn’t want to even think about that. I supposed I could get my P.I.’s license, or do private security or something.
“I’ve tried letting her go, sending her back to her normal human life,” Marcus said, his tone sharp and dark, as if his wolf was fighting to break free. “She keeps ending up in our world. If we push her away, she’s going to end up caught in some kind of mess she can’t get out of without us. Do you want to freeze up like that for no apparent reason in the middle of a fight? Do you want Essie to? You were shot and a feral almost killed her. At least if you’re together, you’ll be able to see it coming.”
“We’re not going to be together. Ever,” Gideon said, his tone dark, his fear and guilt and anger choking me as my buzz sliced under my skin.
“Good,” Marcus snarled, “because she’s fucking mine, and I’m not letting her out of my sight again.”
“So if I send her packing—?” Gideon asked.
“I go with her.” Marcus shoved past Jacob and stormed down the hall, his footsteps getting farther and farther away, taking his heat with him.
My heart soared at his words, but also cried at Gideon’s. I wanted to scream and sob with frustration but didn’t want to face Gideon or Jacob right now, and strained to keep quiet.
“You’ve had a scare,” Jacob said, his voice a low rumble, barely audible even with my enhanced hearing.
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a soldier after my first fight.”
Jacob shifted back, coming into full view, and now I could see half of Gideon’s profile. His expression was hard, with more ice in his eyes than before. His gaze leaped to mine and captured me, stealing my breath.
His anger swelled, and tears filled my eyes and tightened my throat.
God damn, I didn’t want to be upset that he hated me.
“I’m going to check on Kol, see if he’s awake.” He too shoved past Jacob and stormed down the hall, taking his gut-churning emotions and the rest of the flickering heat.
Jacob turned to watch him go, noticed I was awake, and opened my room’s door instead of leaving.
“Hey,” he said, soft, low, and making my essence vibrate in perfect resonance with the part of his essence entwined with mine. “How are you doing?”
“My chest hurts.” And my heart. And my soul.
And my skin. Jeez, my God damn buzz felt like fire ants were chewing me up, one tiny painful bite at a time.
His expression grew grim, and a hint of misty grief whispered around me. “Yeah.”
“How badly were you hurt?” I forced out. “Do you need to feed?”
“The extra power Victoria gave me is dealing with my injuries.” The mist thickened. “About that—”
“I’m not going to let you starve,” I blurted out before he could say anything. I wasn’t going to let him argue with me about that. He was in this mess because of me, because I couldn’t tell him I was part super and hadn’t known the consequences when I’d tried to protect him from Victoria’s temper.
He sat on the edge of the chair beside the bed, the strain around his eyes not as tight as it had been before he’d fed on me, but not completely gone, either. He reached to grab my hand but thought better of it and drew back instead, making his claim ache within me. “I’ll find a way to fix this. I promise.”
A part of me didn’t want him to fix this. Which was ridiculous. I didn’t want to be Jacob’s only means of survival. That was dangerous for the both of us. But that part of me, the part that could only be because of his claim, wanted him near. Just like I wanted Gideon and Marcus near.
“I didn’t even know I was old enough to make a claim so strong.” He rubbed his face and the mist swelled, obscuring my view of him. “We need to figure out what to do about the bite-lock. I can feed without using my magic, but it’ll hurt, and I’d rather not do that to you.”
“I’d rather not, either.” I’d had a glimpse of what a vampire feeding felt like without the erotic magic seeping into me, and I didn’t want to repeat that.
A shiver swept over me, and the buzz bit deeper. “Does the bite-lock cause problems for you, too? Do we need to… you know?” I asked, uncertain how I felt about that. I didn’t love him like I loved Marcus, but I was still drawn to him, and I wasn’t entirely sure that came only from his claim.
“No,” he said, but the mist turned cold and I got the sense he didn’t really know. “The best way to manage this is to make sure Marcus is around when I need to feed.”
“So you bite me and Marcus releases it?” Poor Kol was going to be high all the time if we kept getting into fights and Jacob kept getting hurt. Except I was off the team, which meant all of it would have to happen someplace else, probably my apartment, and not at Operations.
“It’s better than me releasing my bite-lock.” Jacob’s dark gaze captured mine and filled with a hungry intensity. The room’s temperature rose, but I couldn’t tell if he was hungry for my blood or my blood and my body. “I’m surprised Marcus hasn’t lost it on Gideon. Wolves are ferociously territorial, and it’s clear now he’s claimed you as his mate.”
“Marcus recognizes this is a complicated situation.” Which was the understatement of the century.
“I’ll talk to Marcus about our… necessary arrangement.” He looked like he was going to hold my hand again, but rose instead. “You should sleep. If you’re still connected to the key and the seal, you’re going to need your energy this evening.”
“Is Kol okay?” I asked as he headed to the door. While I knew he was alive, I didn’t know anything else and my gut twisted with guilt that he might have seriously hurt himself to save me.
“Amiah can’t sense anything wrong with him, but we won’t know until he wakes up.”
God, I hoped that meant he was all right. He’d said there was a cost. Please let that cost only be falling unconscious in the middle of a potentially dangerous situation.
Jacob left, and I stared at the ceiling, trying to think past my buzz. How did everything get so complicated so quickly? And why couldn’t I just thrill at the knowledge that Marcus and I were finally figuring out the searing attraction between us? God, and why did Gideon’s words have to hurt so much?
My eyelids grew heavy, and I rolled to my side to get more comfortable.
I also needed to figure out if I wanted to stay on the team when Gideon clearly didn’t want me around. It would be best if I got as far away from him as possible, except—
Jeez. My mother would be so upset with me. She’d worked so hard, sacrificed so much to protect me from the angels and the Joined Parliament, and here I was, my heart aching because an angel hated me and because I was hoping to become part of a JP team.
Nothing good could come of it, even if I had figured out an explanation for my eyes and next-to-useless empathy. Why couldn’t I remember t
hat? I was playing with fire, and it wasn’t just Gideon and the Joined Parliament I should be afraid of. I’d been shot and nearly killed. While I suspected this wasn’t a typical JP case, I didn’t doubt any others would be less dangerous for a powerless human.
But I also knew in my soul that this was where I belonged. God, it was crazy. But I was more certain that I was supposed to be a JP agent helping humans caught up in the world of supers, with these men, than I was of anything else in my completely messed-up life.
My mind drifted, and I yearned for Marcus and the others and the sense of belonging that I’d never had on the force with the other cops. I wanted to be part of a team, respected, not despised. I wanted to have a family, a group of people who cared about me, something I’d gotten a small glimpse of when it had just been me and my mom. But then I’d lost it all when she’d died. I hadn’t realized how alone I was, how much of an outsider I was— how much of an outsider I’d made myself to be.
The door opened with a soft shush of movement, and Marcus’s emotional heat seeped over my skin. At least I thought it was Marcus, but I was still half asleep, floating on fear and warmth and heartache.
“Marcus?” I breathed, needing to know if he was real or just a dream.
“Go back to sleep.” His weight settled on the bed behind me and his arms wrapped around me. He drew me close, my back to his chest, his lips pressed to the back of my neck. His perpetual five o’clock shadow tickled my skin while his breath heated it. A hint of desire unfurled low within me, but more of me was warm and secure than turned on.
“I’ve got you,” he said. “Go back to sleep.”
Yes, this was definitely where I belonged. Everything else was complicated, but I knew with certainty I belonged with Marcus.
Chapter 22
At some point Marcus left the bed. I didn’t feel him go, but when I woke next, I was alone and the spot where he’d been wasn’t warm, so he’d been gone long enough for it to cool down.
