by Kim Karr
Also by Kim Karr
The Connections Series
Connected
Torn
Dazed
Mended
Blurred
A Connections Novella
Kim Karr
InterMix Books, New York
INTERMIX BOOKS
PUBLISHED BY THE PENGUIN GROUP
PENGUIN GROUP (USA) LLC
375 HUDSON STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10014, USA
USA • Canada • UK • Ireland • Australia • New Zealand • India • South Africa • China
penguin.com
A Penguin Random House Company
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
BLURRED
An InterMix Book / published by arrangement with the author
PUBLISHING HISTORY
InterMix eBook edition / August 2014
Copyright © 2014 by Kim Karr.
Excerpt from Frayed copyright © 2014 by Kim Karr.
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.
For information, address: The Berkley Publishing Group,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) LLC,
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.
eBook ISBN: 978-0-698-17102-2
INTERMIX
InterMix Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group
and New American Library, divisions of Penguin Group (USA) LLC,
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.
INTERMIX® and the “IM” design are registered trademarks of Penguin Group (USA) LLC
Version_1
Contents
Also by Kim Karr
Title Page
Copyright
Blurred Playlist
Prologue: Golden Boy
Chapter 1: Dead and Gone
Chapter 2: Wicked Games
Chapter 3: Somewhere I Belong
Chapter 4: Cry Me a River
Chapter 5: Demons
Chapter 6: Sail
Chapter 7: If I Never See Your Face Again
Chapter 8: Counting Stars
Chapter 9: Pain
Chapter 10: Leave the Lights On
Chapter 11: Rock Bottom
Chapter 12: New Beginnings
Epilogue: Disappear
Special Preview of Frayed
About the Author
Blurred Playlist
Prologue
Barenaked Ladies—“Golden Boy”
Chapter 1
T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake—“Dead and Gone”
Chapter 2
The Weeknd—“Wicked Games”
Chapter 3
Linkin Park—“Somewhere I Belong”
Chapter 4
Justin Timberlake—“Cry Me a River”
Chapter 5
Imagine Dragons—“Demons”
Chapter 6
AWOLNATION—“Sail”
Chapter 7
Maroon 5—“If I Never See Your Face Again”
Chapter 8
One Republic—“Counting Stars”
Chapter 9
3 Days Grace—“Pain”
Chapter 10
Meiko—“Leave the Lights On”
Chapter 11
Eminem—“Rock Bottom”
Chapter 12
Luminate—“New Beginnings”
Epilogue
Hoobastank—“Disappear”
Prologue
Golden Boy
October
The Day After My Mother’s Death
From the start I had it all—a caring mother, a hardworking father, an older doting sister . . . everything a boy could want. We lived in the most magical place; every day in California was like being on vacation at the beach. Mom stayed home while Dad went to work. We had a nice house and a dog; we laughed, we played, we were very happy. Nothing scratched our perfect existence until the night my father never came home. And then our once shiny happiness was left forever dulled. His sudden absence frayed all that was left of our perfect life, my perfect life.
Just when I thought there was no mending it, Dahlia London moved in next door. A beautiful blonde-haired girl with the tiniest of noses and pretty heart-shaped lips, she had a love of the beach that could only be matched in intensity by mine. From the very first time I laid eyes on her, I knew she was perfect for me, and she was. She fit into our family like a missing puzzle piece. We grew up being best friends and then one day she was my girl. It was just that easy and it stayed that way for the longest time.
As happens in life . . . everything between us changed as time passed. We were five when we met and we were twenty-five when we were torn apart. During those twenty years we had created a bond that I thought couldn’t be broken. I’d poured myself into our relationship and I knew she had, too. But she was a little more broken than me, and her fragility made me more her protector than anything else.
She was fourteen when her parents died and she needed me . . . so I gave her support. She was sixteen when I knew we felt something deeper for each other . . . so I loved her. She was seventeen when her uncle died and she was left alone . . . so I gave up my dream for her. She was the only thing I ever let get in the way of me and my board. It was an opportunity of a lifetime: If I won my next competition, I’d win a sponsorship and get to compete in the Pipe Masters. It was my chance to go pro. But that meant leaving Dahl behind, and she had already lost too many people. So I made a rash decision. I chose to stay with her. I threw the competition on purpose.
It’s a day I’ll never forget. The weather was perfect. The sun was shining and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Surfing conditions were optimal. The water was warm and the waves were high. I paddled out slow and caught my first wave on the shoulder of the peak. Of course I knew better, but the announcer still made the comment that I’d acted too soon, that I didn’t wait for the steep face. He blamed it on my nerves and I let him. My score was well below what was expected from me and I didn’t qualify. There was only one person who figured it out—she never said a word, but I knew all along my mother knew. And with the loss in that competition my dream of competing on the professional circuit came to a screeching halt.
When it came time to go to college, Dahl and I knew we couldn’t be apart for four years—so we went together. After college we wanted to start the next phase of our lives—so we moved in together. Then once we had secured our careers, it was time to take the next step, it was a natural progression—so I proposed. But before we even set a date, the world showed what a cruel place it could really be. I was once again forced into making a decision . . . live alone or die together. And that time, I had nothing to throw—so I had no other choice but to leave her behind. I had to protect her.
That was three years ago and even though I ended up without her, I don’t regret my decision. I had to keep her safe—I loved her too much not to. Life presents choices at every curve and it’s the choices we make that pave the w
ay for our future. Sure, I regret everything up to that point, of course I do. I was a dumb fuck with a huge ego. I thought I could outsmart people who would never let anyone outsmart them. Looking back I should have seen it, but I’d investigated a story that I thought would put me on top of my game and that’s where I wanted to be. Fuck, was I wrong. No, not wrong—plain stupid. The story led to an unbelievable choice. I had to “die,” or I knew my girl and me would both be killed. I know it sounds absurd. Shit like that only happens in the movies, but it was my reality. I wanted to take her with me, I did, but that kind of life wasn’t for my Dahl. So I had to leave my perfect girl behind, and it wrecked me. That choice, my choice—to give her up to keep her alive—is one I could never regret.
While I was gone, I lived day to day, never looking ahead, never letting anyone in. That is until the unexpected day came. The day I was told the danger was over and I could go home. I had been given a second chance. So I let my shield down and I never hesitated in the least to leave behind the life I had created. Now would come the time to make up for all the wrong I had done. I went back thinking that getting her back wouldn’t be easy, but knowing in my heart it would be worth it.
Never did I think something so unimaginable would happen. That she would no longer feel the same about me . . . that my beautiful beach-loving, made-for-me girl would have fallen in love with someone else. I didn’t want to accept it. I thought I could win her back. But like I said, the world is a cruel place. She was gone from me before I ever returned. And there was no getting her back. Even if she hadn’t found out about what I’d done, I wouldn’t have been able to. I know that now. I should have let her go long ago, but I’d lost sight of what was real, who she was, who I was. Without Dahl all I had left was my family. And then again the unthinkable happened. My loving, caring mother suffered a stroke and she was gone in the blink of an eye. A loss struck my family again and just like when my father was taken—I was left utterly broken, but this time the girl who had helped me become whole again was also gone.
If there is a moment in time that comes to alter the course of your life forever—mine would be the day Caleb Holt told me I had to disappear. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m alone and left to pick up pieces to a life I don’t have. Rock bottom. It’s a phrase I never thought I’d use to describe myself, but it’s the only one that fits.
Chapter 1
Dead and Gone
The world spins faster as I stumble forward to enter the front door of what used to be my house with Dahlia. After attempting to hang my keys on the old key shaped holder, they fall to the ground when I miss. I leave them there. Once I’ve made it to the bathroom, I grip the countertop tightly because the wallpaper seems to be tilting and the flowers on it are fading in and out. I lean over the sink to wait for the sick feeling in my gut to pass. When I look up, my vision fuzzes suddenly¸ blurring her features, but I know it’s her because she’s wearing her pearls. I have to touch her, feel her, so I press my hands to the glass in an attempt to grab her and pull her to me. My pulse thunders in my ears as I splay my fingers against the cool surface and try not to blink, not to lose sight of her. But I can’t help it and when my eyes slam open again, I notice her hair isn’t blonde anymore, it’s red. And this time the pearls are gone, replaced by twinkling emeralds. I shut my eyes tight, willing the room to steady and the delusions to go away.
“Ben? Are you okay?” a concerned voice asks.
I pull in a deep breath and open my eyes, cautious, fearful, but this time all I see is the dirty-blonde–haired reflection of my sister and myself. I nod and force all of the air out of my lungs.
“We have to go. You’re not even dressed. Do you want me to pick out your clothes?”
I shake my head once and try not to move again for fear the slightest movement will send the room rotating. I can feel her stare, but let the weight of it pummel me before I shift my eyes to hers in the mirror. “No, I can do it. Sorry, just give me a minute to jump in the shower and I’ll be ready.”
I catch sight of the pain in her eyes. She hastily turns to leave, then pauses but doesn’t twist around as she says, “Okay. The limo is here, but I’ll wait for you in the kitchen.”
I want to say something else but I can’t. I’m not sure what I’d say anyway. Maybe that I’m sorry. Maybe that everything is my fault. But my mother is gone and nothing I say is going to change that fact. I stand here knowing I have to pull myself together for my mother’s funeral. Without looking in the mirror again, I breathe slowly and finally, breath by breath, the spinning fades just as the hallucinations did.
***
The large red double doors that lead us into St. Mary’s Church feel heavier than they ever have. I must have opened them a couple of hundred times in my life and never thought about the color. It’s the color of apples, the color of blood, but when doors are painted red they are supposed to symbolize a place of safety, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Now as I pass them I have to wonder . . . does that apply to everyone? Even those of us whose souls are ravaged?
The sanctuary is filled with people, which is no surprise because my mother was friendly with almost everybody in Laguna. Everyone loved and adored her and she felt the same about them. That fact makes me proud. I take the lead and grab my sister’s hand, guiding her down the aisle. As we walk to the reserved pew in the front, I notice the array of flowers that line the altar and wonder if Serena sent some from us. I wish I had thought of it.
I haven’t been to church in so long that when I kneel and make the sign of the cross before entering the row, it feels foreign, strange even, but natural at the same time. This ritual was instilled in me during my early teen years. After all, I went to Wednesday night Catechism classes until I was fifteen. My mother wanted me to be a good Catholic boy and tried to secure this by making sure that the sacraments of initiation were bestowed upon me. I received the rights of baptism, made my first Holy Communion, and was confirmed like all good Catholic boys. So I guess that means that God has given me the graces necessary to live a truly holy life. I try not to laugh out loud at the thought because the life I have been leading does anything but follow the straight and narrow path.
Organ music fills the church and Serena starts to cry. When she dabs her eyes with a crumpled tissue, I reach into my pocket and hand her a white hankie that used to be our mother’s. “Use this.”
She stares at it for the longest time. Catching sight of the monogram only brings more tears to her eyes. My father’s initials, LBC—Lucas Benjamin Covington—are scripted across the corner in navy blue block letters.
“Where did you get this?” she asks quietly.
“I found it on the floor in the family room a few days ago.” I don’t tell her it was the day I was supposed to pick her up and go to the funeral home with her to make the arrangements. But since I was late, she had left without me. I don’t need to point out to her what a mess I am. She can see it.
I just can’t seem to get my shit together no matter how hard I try.
“I thought I’d lost it,” she says squeezing it tightly in her clenched fingers.
Suddenly someone leans forward and places a hand on Serena’s shoulder. When I see the large pearl ring emblazoned with diamonds, I know immediately it’s Dahl. I turn and glance at her. She’s dressed in black, like all of us, and she’s wearing her pearls. Next I survey the row, the people sitting with her, him, his brother, and then I notice his sister, S’belle. My eyes dart to her. I want to say I’m surprised she’s here but I’m not. She’s not wearing black, but rather a dark green dress with many gold chains around her neck and I think, rebel. I always got that vibe from her. When Aerie, Dahlia’s best friend since college, makes her way across the pew, I’m forced to shift my eyes away. She nods at me with a sympathetic look, which is more than I would have expected from her. We always had a love/hate relationship. Thinking back, I’m not sure why since we both only ever wanted what was best for Dahl. Then it hits me. Aerie somehow k
new all along that I wasn’t what was best for Dahl.
Caleb, my best friend since I was seven, and really the only friend I have left, is the last person to enter the church and he takes a seat beside me, squeezing my shoulder as he does.
“You doing okay, man?” he asks.
I look over at him and nod. I’m thankful there’s one person in my life that never judges me. He might get pissed at me, we might toss each other around, but he’s like a brother to me and I know he’ll always have my back. He has ever since the second grade—we were in Miss Novak’s class and I was staring out the window, just wanting to be out there, not stuck inside. She had asked me a question that I didn’t hear. He jabbed my foot and muttered the answer. I nodded my head and answered her. After that we were buddies.
I force myself to focus my attention on what’s happening at the front of the church.
“Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” When I hear those words I automatically turn to look for Dahl. The memories of those words and sitting beside her to comfort her when she lost her parents and her uncle send another wave of sadness through my body.
There’s a softness in her eyes I wasn’t expecting as she catches my gaze for a minute. Despite the physical and emotional distance between us, and the hatred I know she feels toward me, I find comfort in her being here. But it’s a double-edged sword and I quickly turn back around. She was always a part of my family, but that family has been forever shattered—my mother is gone, Trent is in rehab, and Dahl, well, she’s no longer mine.
“Friends, as we gather here . . .” The words are muffled as I bow my head and close my eyes trying not to think about my mother lying cold and lifeless in the front of the church. She had passed without receiving the sacrament of last rites. But the good Catholic boy that I was brought up to be, I couldn’t let her go like that. I stepped out of the hospital room after she passed to go find the clergy but saw Dahl out in the rain. I went to check on her, but she didn’t need me and so from there I continued my journey toward the chapel to ask that my mother be anointed so as to ensure her passage into Heaven. Not that she would ever have ended up anywhere else. No, that was for me to worry about, not my beautiful mother.
