by Gloria Cook
‘I didn’t particularly. You know what it’s like for an Army brat – usually it’s not much fun for kids. But now after being with the bunch of sweeties in this house, yes, perhaps, if I’m ever up to the responsibility of a family life. The Dowling girl has enormous appeal. Most men dream of having a son, but a little girl just like her would be good.’
‘So, we’ve really no option but to end our marriage, go our different ways,’ Justine heaved a long breathy sigh. ‘It’s the fairest thing to you. No one should be denied children. I don’t know if I should feel relieved or tragic. Oh, God, Mark, this is so sad.’
She started to cry and Mark gently wiped away her tears. ‘Don’t, darling. We could try to make a go of it. Kids don’t matter, not really.’ He cradled her, then said, ‘But… ’
‘But what, darling? Don’t be afraid to say.’
‘I don’t want to go back to Surrey. I haven’t a clue what I want to do, only that it should be a completely fresh start somewhere else.’
‘And I love my home, my job and my network of friends. We have no choice, Mark. It has to be a clean break, but we must remain friends. I couldn’t bear it if we didn’t.’
‘Nor I. We’ll stay in touch. You keep the house, of course. I’ll sell the shares left to me and divide it up with what I have in the bank. I’ll send for the rest of my stuff when I’ve settled somewhere, if that’s all right.’
‘Of course, it is, darling. But you keep your money. We’ve both got enough to live in comfort. And I’ve got my job.’ Justine cried again.
Mark hugged her, forbidding tears of his own and staring up at the ceiling. ‘Shikata ga nai koto.’
Justine pushed the wetness away from her face. ‘What’s that, Mark?’
‘It’s a Jap saying. It means, if something is inevitable it’s best to bend to it. That’s the end of our marriage, Justine.’ He gazed at her. ‘It’s terribly upsetting but we can start a new friendship. I want to see you again, Justine. For us to be friends for life.’
She nodded. ‘You bet. Come on, we must try to buck up. We’ll get over this and it will be good, knowing we’ll always have the other to turn to. Mark, what will you do immediately?’
‘I sure as hell don’t want to go far.’ The thought panicked him. He wasn’t ready yet to face a new place or strangers. ‘I don’t want to outstay my welcome here; perhaps Faye will rent me a cottage. In Sonkurai and Changi all a chap could do was to live one day at a time, sometimes to only get through the next hour. I’ll just let things happen. God must have let me live for a purpose. Hopefully, that will become apparent.’ He yawned, suddenly worn out. ‘Can’t stay awake. Stay with me until I fall asleep, Justine?’
‘Of course, Mark,’ she whispered soothingly. ‘Close your eyes.’
Holding on to her, Mark fell out of consciousness. He wasn’t at ease, and twitched and moaned. Justine held him and stayed with him all afternoon. When she surfaced, she would have a word with Faye.
* * *
Lottie had cooked a traditional roast for Nate. When ready to serve, she called him in from the garden, where he had slipped outside for a breather with Carl. He came inside, took off his and Carl’s outdoor clothes, then sat at the kitchen table with him on his lap. Lottie went to take Carl away.
‘He’s OK here, honey.’ Nate wrapped his arms around his son. Carl, with his curly sandy hair, was a tiny replica of himself, and a joy and fascination to him. He mourned the loss of being here for his birth and so much of his development. He’d had no idea that a child, in his first year, grew from a babe-in-arms to a toddler with a love of exploring everything.
‘He needs to go in his high chair. It doesn’t do to change a child’s routine.’ Lottie tried to tug Carl out of his arms but Nate held on to him.
‘I could have him here this once.’ Nate was emphatic.
‘No, you will not.’ Lottie was as equally determined. ‘Then he’ll want to sit on your lap at every meal time and create a fuss when he’s not allowed to. If you knew anything at all about bringing up children you’d know it’s foolish to break their routine. Give Carl to me. You’re not being fair to him.’
Nate handed the boy over with a sigh. He could see the sense in what Lottie said, but he made the sigh one of being hard done by. He wouldn’t have minded if Lottie hadn’t sounded so impatient with him. He had looked forward to seeing his family so much and had been bewildered and disillusioned on his arrival to overhear Lottie’s resentful words. His plan at not saying exactly when he was coming but to surprise her had been a miserable failure, and Lottie operated as if she had unspoken accusations against him. It not only hurt him it was bringing down the atmosphere in the farmhouse, where before, except for the dreadful time when Will Harvey’s plane had been shot down by enemy fire, Nate had known only contented chatter, warmth and laughter.
‘Have I done something to offend Lottie?’ he’d asked Emilia. She’d replied that he must speak to Lottie. But Lottie was reluctant to talk. He would have it out with her today. His in-laws had left them to themselves for this reason, and no matter how difficult Lottie became, he’d not let it go until they’d settled whatever was wrong. He loved Lottie so much, and all he wanted was for their marriage to be strong, to find their own perfect farm, and to raise Carl and a brood of kids.
‘Food smells delicious.’ He’d make every effort to win her round, and when Carl was taking his nap he’d get her to talk. He would tread carefully. Lottie was headstrong. The first time he’d met her, at a dance in the village, she’d been ripping into some GIs. They had not been bothering her, just trying to be friendly, but she had made up her mind she loathed Americans and showed it by her being rude and superior. She’d been different with him. Remembering how she had looked aghast at her behaviour when encountering him, how innocent and sweet she really was, reminded him why he’d fallen so deeply in love with her.
‘It’s great having the place to ourselves, isn’t it, darling? I’m sorry we’ve missed out on the farm you wanted us to buy. I should have listened to you. After all, you know best about property round here. We’ll have a wonderful time searching for our own place, I promise. We’ll find the perfect place for us, Lottie, darling. I want our life to be perfect.’
He gave her a beautiful smile, and Lottie melted inside as she put the platter of pork in front of him to carve. How could she have doubted Nate loved her? Had put her second place to his old life? He was here now and she had him for the rest of her life. She went to him and hugged him tight. It was so good touching him, holding him. ‘Thanks, darling. I want that too. I thought I’d open a tin of peaches from the crate, with clotted cream for dessert. Would you like that?’
He slipped an arm round her waist and kissed her shapely cleavage. ‘Yes, and then I want to make love to you. We haven’t made love yet.’ His voice was husky and raw with desire.
Lottie was consumed with heat below her waist. It seemed crazy they had held off in the bedroom – her doing: she knew she had made Nate unsure about approaching her. Which was a crime. Their lovemaking before had been passionate and uninhibited, and physically he had everything that was arousing. A well drawn face, enticing full mouth, muscular vigorous body, and knowing hands. She glanced at Carl. He was becoming drowsy. She had his food pureed and ready to eat. ‘Let me feed Carl and put him down to sleep. We can eat later.’
Shortly, with Carl flat out in the nursery, Lottie and Nate were eagerly undressing each other in their room. They didn’t get far. Their need was too great and they fell down on the bed, coupled, and cried out in naked rapture and set about making love in almost fanatical motion.
‘I love you,’ he rasped through the almost excruciating joy of being intimate with her again.
He was holding her so tightly her breath was in danger of being cut off, but she did not feel the crushing. ‘I love you,’ she got out, her face distorted with pleasure.
Noisy cries heralded the end. They clung on to each other, tighter and tighter, touching, strok
ing. Rediscovering all the old wonders and delights. Forgetting the pain of their long separation and glorying in this new bliss.
‘You’re so beautiful,’ he crooned. ‘My darling Lottie…’
‘So are you.’ She admired every part of him. ‘Darling Nate…’
‘Tell me what I did wrong, darling,’ he whispered, kissing her lips, her brow, her eyes. ‘Let’s get it out of the way then we can get on with the rest of our lives.’
‘It all seems so silly now.’ In the afterglow of their lovemaking, the wonderful closeness of being a woman with her man, her months of resentment did seem silly. ‘I simply thought you were staying in Texas too long. Was I being selfish?’
‘A little.’
She didn’t like that. He didn’t have to say it so fast. Instead, it should have been, ‘Of course you weren’t being selfish, darling, I’m sorry you thought that.’
‘Oh?’
‘Well, it took a while for all the legal documents for my emigration to be properly completed. Then I stayed on at the ranch to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends, Jake Olsen, the ranch foreman. I mean to say goodbye to him at the end of his life. He’d been like a second daddy to me and he was dying of cancer.’ There was a sob in Nate’s voice.
‘I’m sorry.’ Lottie felt awful about his friend, but she was still crestfallen that he hadn’t thought about how his decision might affect her.
‘So you see, I couldn’t leave him until he’d gone and been buried. It helped me to leave my old life behind, Lottie. To cut the ties which was really hard. It made me look forward more than ever to seeing you and our little boy.’
‘I’m glad,’ Lottie said. Then she kept silent.
After a bit, Nate asked, ‘You do understand, honey?’
‘I understand your reasons for staying on until your friend had died, of course I do. But why couldn’t you tell me about him? It would have saved me from weeks of feeling rejected, that I wasn’t the most important person in your life.’ She moved away and picked up her cardigan to cover her nakedness. ‘We shouldn’t have secrets, Nate. I’m not sure I like being shut out of part of your life.’
He reached and put a hand on her shoulder. ‘Oh, God, Lottie, I hadn’t thought of it like that. I didn’t deliberately shut you out of my life back home. I talked about you all the time, and showed the guys and the folks in town your and Carl’s pictures. I’ve been a fool, haven’t I? I’ve messed up.’
She was quiet for a moment. ‘We don’t really know each other, do we? We’ve never had the chance to. I hope you won’t regret giving up the ranch and coming over here to be with me.’
‘It was my decision when we got engaged, Lottie. I’d got no folks left while you’ve got a whole heap of them. I’ll never regret it, Lottie. Life without you would be like drifting along on an empty cloud. Now we’ve got the rest of our lives to get to know each other. I hope there won’t be too many rocks in our path.’ She was reassured at last and let him gather her into him. ‘Let’s make plans. Look for our own place and create our own little nest. That OK with you?’
‘Absolutely. I’ve been jealous of Tom and Jill, hearing them decide what they’ll do to the old wing, watching Mum and Pappa living their happy lives.’
‘We’ll go to the land agents first thing tomorrow. Then when we’ve found the perfect place and settled in, how about we take a honeymoon? We deserve that, but you deserve it most of all.’
‘Thanks, Nate, you say the nicest things.’ She grinned at him. ‘You already know I can be a touchy madam. Will used to say I was insufferable. I hope you don’t discover lots of things about me you don’t like.’
‘And you about me. My momma used to say I could out-stubborn a mule when I had a mind to.’
Lottie clung to him in a moment of panic. Meeting Nate, falling for him and marrying him had all happened under romantic skies. Giving birth to Carl, as harrowing as it had been, had happened in the security of her home. Now at last she was a proper wife, and would soon be responsible for her own home and family. Nate may have moved two thousand miles, but she was also about to give up everything she was familiar with. ‘It’s a bit scary, isn’t it?’
‘A little, I guess. We’ll be fine if we pull together, treat it as an adventure.’
‘You make it sound easy.’
‘Yeah, easy.’
‘Easy…’ She chewed that simple little word over in her mind.
‘There’s one thing that is very easy,’ Nate said. ‘Making love to you, darling.’ He started familiarizing himself again with her beautiful contours.
On a thought that was terrible to her she heaved him away. ‘Wait!’
‘What’s wrong?’ He was disappointed and alarmed.
‘We need to be careful. We weren’t before. Oh damn! I don’t want another baby.’ All the women who had spoken to her about labour and childbirth had said you soon forget the pain and discomfort. It might have been like that for them, but they hadn’t gone through what she had.
‘It’ll be all right, honey,’ Nate soothed, taking her back into his arms. ‘In fact, Carl will be just the right age to have a little brother or sister.’ He trailed determined kisses along her chin and throat, aiming for her lips. ‘It might be too late anyway.’
She just managed not to scream, ‘I’d better not be pregnant!’ She leaned her head away from him. ‘Gosh, I’m suddenly ravenous. Could we go down for dinner?’
Nate made a wry face. Lottie was worried: would they have another disagreement already? ‘OK,’ he said. ‘Anything you say, honey.’
Anything she said? The future easy? Lottie dressed, hiding her fears that she might just have got pregnant. And if she wasn’t, what would Nate say over her determination not to have any more children?
Chapter Eight
Faye was hurrying along the lane towards the crossroads.
She had a folder, a notebook and a fountain pen in a satchel, her intention being to begin a series of calls on her tenants and make reports of any repairs necessary or damage done to her properties. Her main reason for going this way, however, was to catch up with Mark. She had watched from her bedroom window as he’d left the house to see which direction he’d take. In the last few months he’d taken a walk every day, covering more distance as his recuperation progressed. With nothing stressful thrown at him, which Faye went to every length to avoid, he’d not had a single episode of sliding into a trance in that time, not at Tremore anyway. He kept away from the village. Inevitably, he had met one or two locals on his walks, but he’d said he’d been happy to spend a few minutes chatting to them.
Justine had asked her to look after Mark, but there had been no need, it was a pleasure. With his wife out of the picture, Faye had examined her feelings for Mark. It might be a ‘nurse-patient thing’, or that she simply felt sorry for him, but she thought not. She had fallen in love with him. She had no idea why it had happened. She accepted it. She wanted it. She wanted him. As he was and how he would be when he was completely well. Or as well as he ever could be. Justine had explained his problem of switching off from reality was caused by the terrible beatings he’d received from labour camp guards while defending the rights of his mates and the men in the ranks. Every opportunity had been taken to humiliate the officers.
Justine had shown her a photo of Mark in his former days. ‘Not a good-looker in the usual sense, I’m sure you’ll agree,’ she’d said, studying his likeness with deep affection, making Faye anxious. ‘But alluring with his natural charm, and very sexy. All the girls used to chase him.’ Justine had caught him: how on earth could she give him up? It was all very strange to Faye, but she was wholeheartedly glad about it.
Mark wasn’t walking fast, even though he could now, and she quickly ate up the distance between them. She could see he was enjoying the first awakenings of spring in the hedgerows and ditches, the bright yellow gorse and celandines. He stooped and sniffed a vivid purple dog violet. As he raised his head he saw her. He pointed to a spot where tw
o moss-covered stones, formed like a step, were flanked by delicate pale-lemon and pink primroses. ‘Beautiful, aren’t they? And the snowdrops are still about. Are you going my way, Faye?’
Unaware she was doing it, Faye fussed with her military-look doublet jacket. She always took pains to look her best for him. She was wearing a colourful silk scarf, smart dark trousers and her most attractive pair of flat shoes. She’d gone through the agonies of waving her shoulder-long hair with metal combs, and she had carefully applied her make-up. Not too bright a red lipstick or any eyebrow pencil: Mark had mentioned he didn’t care for movie star looks.
She told Mark why she was out. ‘Uncle Tris has seen to this sort of thing since my father left to train secretly for the war effort. I’ve been wrapped up in domestic affairs, but I feel it’s time I took over. I haven’t even met some of the tenants, the frail and the elderly and those who never turn up for village events.’
‘Who’s first on the list?’ Mark said, throwing away the stub of a cigarette and falling in step with her. He was gazing up and all about as if he’d never before seen a lightly-clouded blue sky, or a tiny brown sparrow on the wing, or sheep grazing in a meadow. Faye had no idea how during his captivity he’d dreamed of such simple pleasures.
‘If we turn right in a minute, the first place is just round the corner. A tied cottage where one of the farm workers lives. There are two more cottages side by side as you climb the hill, then further on down the other side of the hill there’s Susan’s. I thought I’d go to hers first and call on the others on the way back.’ She hoped he’d accompany her to Little Dell, to have some time with him alone. At home he rested and was often monopolized by Pearl and the twins, or playing snooker with her uncle. ‘I know Susan’s working at the house at the moment, and she says all is in order at Little Dell, but she’s so modest she might not ask for any improvements. I thought I’d take a look at the outside for myself.’
