by Shen Hart
They all growled and paced around, their frustration clear in their stiff movements and throaty complaints. I wandered off under the guise of trying to see if perhaps we’d missed something, sniffing at the ground, trying to pick up the angel’s metallic scent. Of course it wasn’t there, but it gave me time to assess my own reactions. I’d felt hope at seeing him again, or more reasonably at the potential he held for my future. I’d devoted my existence to stopping people like him. I’d sacrificed a lot to make sure that the world stayed in balance. If he succeeded, then who knew what would happen? The world would be out of balance. Whether I liked it or not, the gods served a purpose. They had a place in the greater web.
Was my freedom worth so much to me that I was willing to destroy the web to achieve it? Would it even be freedom if I succeeded? So many questioned swirled around my head as I tried to come to terms with the potential and my choices.
Lee appeared in front of me. He looked to my right where the others stood waiting. I joined them, and so we returned home. Disappointed, frustrated, and tired.
~*~ ~*~
I’d been quite happy to trail along at the back, looking at every consideration and possibility. We were hoping not to have to crash another of their blood rituals, but unless Adam could offer us something better, and soon, we weren’t going to have much of a choice. I’d never been a huge fan of humans, but the idea of those being harmed thanks to him didn’t sit well with me. A niggly little voice in the back of my mind corrected me. Being harmed because of me. We could have caught Alistair today, but I led them astray. I gave him a chance. I gave myself a chance.
We were barely into the garden when Alex and Lee started snarling at each other. They began rolling around on the grass, biting and scratching each other. The boys dragged them apart while I shifted back into my human form and headed inside. I had more interesting things to be thinking of than their constant bitching and sniping at each other. A nice glass of cool vodka would help clear away the doubts and cloudiness that was blocking my insight.
Ark stepped out of the shadows in the kitchen with a glass of vodka in hand. He grinned at me.
“Rough night.”
I didn’t bother asking how he’d gotten in or how long he’d been waiting. He was my elf. I didn’t need to know.
I took the glass and shrugged. “Something like that.”
“You went northeast.”
His voice was soft, quiet. I knew that I’d be free of accusation with him, not that it made me feel any better. I knocked back the vodka in one long, burning gulp, and nodded at him as I placed the glass down on the kitchen counter.
He placed his hand on my lower arm. “I’ll be nearby when you’re ready.”
I didn’t know if that was a comfort, or a prophecy. I didn’t think on it too much. I knew I’d have to tell someone at some point. It was already welling up inside me and consuming my thoughts. I didn’t know who I was any more, or what I stood for. I’d devolved into a creature of instinct and base drives. I didn’t know when it had happened, but it was driving me crazy. Ark hugged me tight as the boys came in. The smell of blood was in the air. I licked my lips absentmindedly as thoughts of taking down some prey or participating in a blood-filled fight filled my mind. Perhaps that was what I needed, a bit of mindless violence to set my mind straight.
Ark squeezed me tighter. “It won’t end well. Stay here.”
I scowled at him. He simply smiled back. Sometimes I wondered if he really knew me that well, or if he was a mind reader. I went with the former, as it was less horrifying. I couldn’t deal with his view of me if he knew the thoughts that were going through my head. If he knew what I was considering risking for my own selfish gain.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Ark had stayed with us for a little while. He gave me another vodka before he tried to check Alex and Lee over. They stubbornly refused and pushed Ark to his limit, but he kept control. The tension was still clearly in the air, but things had been settled at least a little. We sat down around the breakfast bar, where we discussed our next move, and he explained the original web to them. I hated trying to explain such things. I’d never been all that involved in things such as the web. I understood it, but didn’t have the connection to it that he did. I was a warrior and assassin. My knowledge and use of energy work was focused on that. He, however, was an elf and a healer. He was much more connected to his surroundings, and that seemed to bring him great peace. He had a place in the world, and I couldn’t help but be jealous of that.
His face contorted somewhat with a mix of reverence and sorrow as the memories seemed to flood his mind. He took a deep breath and told the boys the story I’d heard before but doubted I’d grow tired of hearing.
“The web was, as the name suggests, a web that connected all life. It was intricately woven and maintained by the guardians. The elves protected it and almost worshipped it. The web in the forest the angels are destroying is a remnant of that, a smaller version of the larger web. It connects everything within the forest. I’m surprised that the resident fae haven’t set about murdering the angels for their sacrilege.”
He cleared his throat and composed himself once more.
“Each node is a focal point within the web, where many strands come together. They can pool energy, but it’s usually evenly distributed back out to where it’s needed in the web. If a strand becomes damaged, then it will resonate throughout the web and disrupt it, affecting the balance. If a node were to become broken, as the bastard angels are daring to do, then the entire web would suffer.”
He took another deep breath and calmed himself. The boys remained quiet and respectful, but he shook his head and hugged me with a soft smile. Too many bad memories had been brought forward.
I hugged him close and almost apologised.
He hugged me back and shook his head softly before he said, “I’m always close when you need me, furball. Don’t forget it.”
I smiled and accepted his words. He’d always been good to me, and I appreciated his understanding and willingness not to push the topic we both knew was hanging between us. We hugged once more, and he reminded me that he was close should I need him before he stood and gave both Alex and Lee a dark glare. With that he grinned at me and returned to his cottage.
Where Alex and Lee had refused any healing, blood stained their faces, coating their lips and marking their hands and throats. Instead, they went upstairs. More shouting could be heard. It wasn’t too long before it devolved into thuds and bangs. I shook my head and wished the boys good night before I climbed the stairs to what was supposed to be my sanctuary. My nest. The jaguar raged at the disrespect, while the raven tucked its head under its wing and quietly wept. I allowed the jaguar forward on the assumption that I’d need the rage and power to separate them from their latest feud. As I climbed our private stairs, the noises changed. My heart skipped a beat, and I turned around and walked away.
I wandered down the hallway, my mind reeling. Dan’s door was open, and I needed somewhere safe for the night. I didn’t even think about it. I shifted into my full jaguar form and jumped up onto the end of his bed. He uttered some confused noise, but didn’t question my actions. Instead, he closed his door with a soft click and shifted into his own cougar form before he lay behind me, protecting me from myself. Our warm bodies pressed close together in the joint quest for safety, peace, and comfort.
My dreams were jagged and sharp, filled with bloodied teeth and desperate moans. I was chased by unseen monsters and confronted by shattered humans. A voice echoed around my mind, searing itself into my cold flesh.
“It’s all your doing.”
I woke with a start, the room dark and Dan still at my back. He rested his head on my neck and nuzzled me softly. It wasn’t what I craved, but it was enough to soothe my racing heart and allow me to settle once more. I drifted in and out of a light sleep, haunted by grotesque images and broken desires. I was lost, and I saw no path out. Not even a signpost. He stretched, hi
s limbs wrapping around mine when he woke properly. His head remained on my neck where he nuzzled me into full wakefulness. I tried not to be too abrupt when I realised I shouldn’t have done that. I needed a bed, some warmth, but it had been the wrong thing to do. His rough tongue passed over my ear and I moved away, getting up slowly before returning to my human form. I offered him a small, tired smile, and hoped that he hadn’t taken things the wrong way.
I looked away, feeling more shock than I possibly should have when he took on his human form and stood completely naked before me. I left the room and didn’t dare look. He was a pack mate. I couldn’t go there. I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to. He wasn’t the one I wanted. Lee and Alex were just coming down our stairs when I stepped out of Dan’s room. They looked at me with a mix of shock and shame. I turned away and headed downstairs. I couldn’t deal with it. With them. Everything was falling apart around me, and I had no one to turn to.
I focused myself over breakfast. I needed to take down Alistair. That was my purpose, my drive. I allowed the thought to consume me and push me forward. It eclipsed all other considerations and blinded me to my crumbling self. Alistair may have had some good thoughts, but it didn’t sit right. It felt like a betrayal, and I didn’t know if that was my own thoughts or the Sisters. Breakfast was quieter than usual, with Alex and Lee refusing to look at each other. They each sported fresh wounds, bite marks, claw marks, and large black bruises. I couldn’t look at them and wished they’d at least have had the dignity to try and cover themselves up rather than parading around in just their jeans. When did Lee start wearing jeans as well? He’d always been the more formal black pants type, and damn did he look good in them. I shoved it all aside and tried to remember what we knew about Alistair.
“Will we be doing more work on sigils today?”
I looked up at Dan, the brightness in his eyes and the smile on his face. I couldn’t do it to him. “Lee will finish that up, I think. You were struggling to grasp my finer points, and I think his teaching style will suit you a little better.”
He refused to look at Lee and kept the small smile on his face, despite the tightening of his hands around his spoon. “Thank you.”
I smiled and nodded. He could have taken it worse.
“Ryan, we’ll do some blade work today while Alex and Nik do tactics and strategy for Alistair.”
Ryan grinned at me. “Awesome, does this mean you’ll teach me how to shank the angels?”
I tried very hard not laugh hilariously at his eagerness. “We’ll see how you go. Angels are incredibly dangerous foes. I will not see you harmed.”
His face fell a little, but he was still practically bouncing. Nik’s face was stony, and he refused to say a word. When breakfast was done and we all stood, I couldn’t restrain myself.
The jaguar dove forwards, and I snarled at Lee and Alex, “For fuck’s sake, can you at least have the dignity to put a shirt on!”
Everyone was silent and looked at me, their eyes wide. The boys looked down and away. Alex cleared his throat before he left, with Lee. I couldn’t bear the thoughts that went through my mind, the images of them together. I took Ryan out into the garden. The rain was fine and made the ground slippery, but that would be good for practicing his footwork. That was my excuse, and I stood by it as he landed on his ass time and time again.
I knew it wasn’t his fault, but he was there and available for me to take out my anger and hurt on. I lashed out at him, swiping my wooden training blade at his stomach while aiming the other at his shoulder. He shifted his weight and fought back with a jab at my ribs. I twisted away from him, my anger growing and mounting. How could they do it to me? Alex wasn’t even interested in men, and yet. I snarled and moved around Ryan, driving the short wooden blade into his lower back. He pitched forwards, but caught himself.
He moved quickly, spinning, and caught my lower arm, but I was faster as I slashed the blade across his ribs. Sweat was forming on his brow, but I was far from done. They had betrayed me. Alex had taken Lee, they had united, and I didn’t understand it. I couldn’t. I couldn’t accept it. Ryan kicked at my knee but I drove the butt of the blade into his shoulder knocking his balance and taking all power from his kick.
I was aggressive and relentless as I twisted and pushed him. I didn’t hold back as I attacked him, calling him on his weak spots, driving him back before he fell. Again. He took a deep breath and stood once more. He was determined, but I had too much fury, too much pain. The images of their hands on each other invaded my mind. I lashed out at Ryan again, and again. He pushed me back harder but he never stood a chance. I knew his every weakness and I made use of that. His breathing was becoming harder, but I ignored it. All I saw were the marks on their skin, their lack of respect or caring as they came down with them on full display.
I barely gave him a chance to adopt his stance before I went at him again. The grass was growing slick beneath our feet, but I wouldn’t stop. He was learning, slowly. He twisted and feinted, but it wasn’t good enough. It would never be good enough.
I slipped to my knees and lowered my head, allowing the wooden training blade to slip from my fingers when he fell and yelped again. I’d pushed him too hard. It wasn’t his fault. I knew I shouldn’t have taken it out on him.
His strong arm tenderly slipped around my shoulders. “It’s ok, T. You still have us.”
I patted his knee and reminded myself that I did. Nik was still withdrawn, but he was trying. Dan was trying a little too hard, but they were good cubs.
Chapter Thirty-Five
I stood at the bottom of our stairs, the ones leading to my sanctuary. My nest. I couldn’t do it. I turned and walked back downstairs, fighting my desperate urge to run. I went out into the garden. I shifted into my wolf form and slipped under a large bush near the outer edge, where I wrapped my tail around myself. Exhaustion claimed me. It was almost peaceful to be without dreams, just an endless darkness without thoughts or worries. It was shattered by the boys calling my name. The undercurrent of concern was clear.
Stretching felt better than it had any right to. The rough branches of the evergreen shrub dug into my fur and clawed at my skin. The soft pain was a welcome release. I craved a steaming hot shower and needed fresh clothes. The jaguar was horrified and wanted to remove both men from my sanctuary. I had to face them, to deal with it. I shifted into human form and casually strode across the grass as though nothing unusual had happened.
“We were worried about you, T.” Ryan said.
“We didn’t know where you’d gone,” Dan added.
Alex kept quiet, and Lee refused to meet my gaze. They both had their hands tucked in their pockets and stood just a little bit too far away from each other, despite their matching body language. Was it a thing now?
I ran my hand up over Ryan’s arm and petted Dan on the head. “I just wanted somewhere fresh to sleep for the night.”
They all glanced at Alex and Lee before they closed in around me. “We’ve made you a big heap of pancakes for breakfast.”
I laughed softly. Shifters thought everything could be solved through their stomach. Nik placed the huge plate in front of me and sat opposite me, his eyes never leaving my face, tension running down his back.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “And what is it that you’re after, Nik?”
He smiled for the first time in days, a genuine smile that reached his eyes. “We have another chance at killing Alistair at sunset today.”
He pushed a map towards me with a large X on it.
“It’s not far away; Adam saw a vision of him kneeling and remaining there for some time.”
It was an exact time and place. I couldn’t lead them astray.
I nodded firmly. “So be it.”
Nik smiled. “We’ll make things right. We can’t bring Lucy back, but we can destroy the bastard that ended her beautiful life too soon.”
I reached across the table and placed my hand on his. “We do not deal in vengeance, but we will kill h
im. We will reestablish balance.”
The words almost stuck in my throat. They didn’t sound like my own. It had been too long since I truly believed in the balance. I just had to hope my conviction was strong enough to calm Nik. He nodded and focused on the map, drawing routes from our home to that point. Alex went to say something to me once we were done eating.
“Another time.”
He frowned but accepted it. I looked down at the map with Nik. “So, how are we getting there? What’s the plan?”
His mouth fell open. “You…”
“You’re the one with the map. Tell me what we’re doing.”
He smiled. I had to show some faith in him, and it’d help keep him focused on the job at hand.
“We’re driving to here. There looks like there’s a car park we can park in. Then we send Lee in his hawk form overhead to assess the situation. Assuming everything’s all clear, then we surround him by coming in here, here, and here.” He gestured to three points on the map. “This route will be blocked by it being a cliff face.”
It seemed simple enough, hard to fuck up.
“Good work. Hopefully this will be the end of it.”
The raven was cawing at me, and the jaguar felt positively disgusted. I had to deal with my sanctuary and get a shower and fresh clothes. I patted Nik’s hand and prepared myself. I kept telling myself that it was just my bedroom, but neither the raven nor the jaguar was having any of it. It was my sanctuary, and they had soiled it. Disgraced it. I pushed the door open, half expecting to see it covered in blood, dirt, and upturned furniture. It looked almost exactly as I’d left it. The raven felt suspicious. I paced around the room, inspecting everything. Lee’s scent was still very faint in the room. It was mostly Alex. I didn’t know how to deal with the feeling of hope that gave me. I shrugged it off and dove into the hot shower.
