"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Just learn, if you can, from my mistake. I know it's hard, but you should live every day like it's your last. Like you'll never see the people who mean the most to you again."
"Can I ask, who was she?"
"My mother."
"Which one?"
"The one who chose me. Both my adoptive parents are gone. Mom had breast cancer. Dad, a heart attack. Died instantly."
"That's terrible! I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. They lived a good life. I miss them sometimes. It took me losing both of them before I learned my lesson, but I've always been pretty hard-headed."
"So that's why you've gone out of your way for Heidi?"
"Maybe. Like I said when you first asked me, I've always been like this with my friends. Some of them don't appreciate it much--think I'm meddling. But I can't seem to help myself."
"I can see why they'd think that. Heidi might, too."
"Yeah, I expect her to. I've already tried talking to her about you once, and she was pretty blunt."
"So why are you pushing it?"
"Because I have to."
"Sounds a little twisted to me."
The judgment in her tone stung. Biting back a reply, he shrugged and decided he didn't need to talk to Hailey right now--needed some quiet time to plan what he would say to Heidi, assuming she was in the condition to talk. With the infection, chemo and side-effects, she could be out cold when they arrived.
The right words refused to come to mind as he sipped his coffee and stared out the window. He gave up, and asked, "How long can you stay in town?"
"Why?"
"Well, if Heidi isn't in the condition to talk...plus, it makes sense for you to stay, since she'll be finishing her chemo soon, and then we'll be ready to harvest your stem cells.
"You said a week, right? I don't know if I can stay that long. I left some things at home--some important things--hanging. I'd have to make some phone calls, see what I can do."
"It would be best."
Hailey nodded, knowing what he said was true, knowing that leaving now would make her look even more selfish and self-involved than ever. But she had Andrew and Pete to think about, not to mention all the people and organizations that had seen her vision and donated their money. The land deal was still up in the air, and the contractors were waiting to start..."I'll call my partner when we're done here."
"Good." His face relaxed except the tension around his eyes. He sat slouched, looking casual and calm, serene, like he always did. But she knew, after their conversation, that was all a façade. Inside he wasn't calm at all. Troubled, frantic to cling to Heidi as though his life depended upon it. She suspected he had no idea what he was doing--what he was hiding from. And she equally suspected she still didn't know his whole story.
After all, an hour-long conversation wasn't going to reveal all the layers of anyone, especially someone as deep and complicated as Rainer Hartmann.
Rainer glanced at his watch and stood. "Ready?"
"I guess."
They walked upstairs, and Rainer checked in again at the nurse's station. He spoke with another doctor as Hailey hung back, then came toward her.
"Heidi is having a rough day."
"Rough day? What does that mean?"
"She became a little feisty earlier and started pulling out IV's. She's been sedated."
"That's not like her," Hailey said, worried. Doctors never told things straight, and she wondered what they were hiding. "Why would she start doing that? Is she getting sicker?"
"No," he said with a brief smile that faded much too quickly for Hailey's comfort. "She isn't getting sicker. The medications, the infection, the cancer, they all affect people differently. In Heidi's case, they've interacted to produce a slight case of delirium."
"Delirium? She's delirious? Is it permanent?"
"In most cases when the drugs are discontinued, the condition reverses itself."
"In most cases?"
"Doctors never speak in absolutes," he said, that wry smile back in place.
"I noticed."
"Would you like to go see her?"
The thought of seeing Heidi made her heart hammer until her ribs ached. She drew in a few deep, long breaths, released them and then said, "Yes."
Rainer took her hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Taken back by the strange sense of intimacy the simple act evoked, especially in such a public place, she looked into his eyes for a moment. What she saw there confused her even more. The depth of the emotion she glimpsed in the deep blue was like none she'd ever seen. Strange, since Rainer barely knew her.
She glanced around the room and immediately noticed the averted gazes of the nurses and doctors standing at the counter. Her face heated, and she wondered what they were thinking. She didn't have long to wonder when a young doctor strode up the corridor to them.
"Hey, Hartmann," he said, "We've missed you around here. Where've you been?" The man's eyes bounced back and forth between Rainer and Hailey.
"I've been here. Where've you been?" Rainer followed the man's gaze to Hailey. "Oh, Hailey Jensen, this is Doctor Jeff Knowles. Jeff, Hailey."
"Jensen? That's why she looks familiar." Jeff offered his hand. "Good to meet you, Hailey."
"Jeff works on the floor here," Rainer said. "If you ever have any questions and can't get in touch with me, you can look him up. He doesn't stray far--even on his days off."
Jeff shrugged as Hailey placed her hand in his. "I don't have a life. What can I say?"
His grip was warm and firm as they shook hands, and slow to release. Suddenly self conscious, Hailey wiggled her hand free, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, Jeff." She looked at Rainer. "Can we go see my sister now?"
"Sure." Rainer rested a hand on her shoulder. "See you later, Jeff."
"Yeah." Jeff answered, returning to the counter, a smirk on his face.
Hailey followed Rainer's lead down the corridor until he said, "Up ahead. Third door. Before we go in, you need to put these on." He thrust a surgical mask and gloves at her.
Her feet became lead, her legs marshmallow. "Maybe I should wait until she's conscious?" She made it sound like a question, but it was more a wish. She hated hospitals, hated talking to people who lay lifeless in a bed, tubes protruding from their mouths and noses, a machine puffing air into their lungs.
More so, she hated the idea that it was her sister in there. The one she'd always assumed would be alive as long as she was. Alive, well, and hating her--though that didn't seem as important at the moment. Hate was better than unawareness.
"Where do I wash up?" She looked up and down the corridor, trying to remember when they'd last passed a bathroom.
"There's a restroom up ahead, next to the family waiting area." Rainer pointed toward a set of doors, and she hurried toward it, anxious for a few private moments. After she stepped into the tiny room with buzzing florescent lights that made her look sick, she turned on the water, splashed some on her face, then ran her hands over her hair, pushing the few flyaway strands back into her ponytail. When they didn't stay, instead falling around her face and bringing even more with them, she slid the elastic out of her hair and impatiently ran her fingers through it.
She froze. The woman staring back didn't look like her. She felt as though she peered into a stranger's eyes. Her skin was pale, deep smudges circling each eye. Her lips were thin and drawn, her eyelids heavy. The deep shade of her hair only emphasized the wan coloring of her face.
She shouldn't care, she told herself. Shouldn't be worried about how she looked. Not with Heidi lying in a drug-induced coma, her body overtaken by chemicals and sickness. But she couldn't help feeling like she was somehow taking on some of the symptoms her sister was experiencing.
Like they were linked somehow.
She remembered how they used to pretend they were magical sisters, joined by an unseen mystical force. They would always know what the other felt, saw, heard, smelled...Maybe it hadn
't been pretend?
A soft knock at the door reminded her she'd left Rainer waiting outside. Rainer and Heidi. Waiting for her. Waiting for her to be strong. To face her past failures. To shatter the obstacle they had built between them.
She quickly gathered her hair into a ponytail, and scrubbed her hands with the antibacterial soap. Then she tied on the surgical mask, leaving it hanging around her neck, and left the bathroom.
Rainer waited out in the hallway, leaning against the white wall, his arms crossed over his chest, his brows low over his eyes. "You ready?"
"Ready." She followed him to Heidi's door, then stepped through, immediately wishing she hadn't come when her mother's shocked gaze met hers.
"My God, is that you, Hailey?" her mother asked, directing the question to Rainer, who stood behind Hailey.
"I called her," he said.
"You should have talked to me first," Margaret answered, still not looking at her.
Rainer's reaction to her mother surprised Hailey as she glanced at him. He looked like a smitten schoolboy.
Mom had him fooled. Darn if she wasn't the best actress outside of L.A.!
"Mom, good to see you again," Hailey said, anxious to get by her and see Heidi...And then get the hell out of there. She tugged the mask into place over her mouth, put on the gloves and nudged past Margaret toward Heidi's bed.
"I'm happy to see you, too, honey," Mom said, making Hailey roll her eyes. She wouldn't be fooled by Margaret's saccharine smile when she tugged off her mask. "And don't you look wonderful! I've missed you so much."
"Thanks. I've missed you, too," Hailey responded mechanically as she slowed to a near stop several paces from Heidi's bed. Even from that distance, she could see how sick Heidi was. Her breath caught in her throat.
Gone was the golden glow in Heidi's skin, replaced by a grayish tinge. Also gone, the mane of glorious silken hair, and the animation--at times buried deep under a serious façade--that normally shone in her eyes.
"It's not as bad as it looks," Margaret said from behind. "She's sleeping. Got impatient with the needles and drugs, so they gave her some medicine to make her sleep. She's going to get better."
The tone in her mother's voice--a strange mixture of hope and desperation--sent a shudder down Hailey's spine.
"Sure she is." Hailey wondered if Rainer was still in the room. For the first time since she'd come to Detroit, she didn't feel his presence.
"No, really. She is going to get better. They found a bone marrow donor. She's going to have a transplant."
Hailey turned to face her mother.
Margaret hesitated, her face almost as pale as Heidi's. "Oh, I suppose Rainer told you already." She motioned toward a silent Rainer who stood in the doorway, obviously watching the exchange with interest.
"Yes. He did. Isn't that wonderful? Whoever is donating must be a very generous and giving person."
"I agree. I told Rainer I wanted to thank him or her, but he said that wasn't possible. I don't understand why he or she wouldn't want to meet us."
Hailey realized at that moment how difficult it must be for Rainer to keep her secret. That recognition yielded even greater respect for him. He'd clearly struggled for the past several weeks keeping Margaret from finding out the donor's identity.
She turned toward Heidi. "I'm sure the donor doesn't wish to take any credit for what she's doing. Now, if you don't mind. I'd like a few minutes alone with Heidi." She stiffened when her mother didn't respond. "It is okay, isn't it?"
"Sure," Margaret said dully.
"We'll wait outside," Rainer said.
Hailey swung around and said, "No, Rainer. I need to talk to you for a second before you leave."
He glanced at Margaret. "I'll be with you in a moment, Margaret."
She nodded, and with a quick glance back at Hailey, left the room.
"What is it?" he asked, his gaze traveling over what little of Hailey's face was exposed.
"Can she hear me?" she whispered.
"I'm sure she can, but the medicine will likely inhibit her from remembering much when she wakes up. Still, you never know."
"Okay. I just wanted to know."
He took her hand in his. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"I'll be right outside if you need me."
She nodded, pulled her hand from his, and turned toward Heidi's bed. In a few strides, she was back at Heidi's bedside. She reluctantly touched her sister's hand, shocked by how cool it was. She wanted to jerk hers back, but didn't.
"Heidi, it's me," she said, wanting to hide the hum of the machines around her. "Damn it! What are you doing here, like this. Fight! I know you have it in you. You can beat this damn disease. Beat it so you can get some well-deserved revenge on me. You hear me?"
She watched Heidi's face for a sign of understanding. When there wasn't any, she leaned closer. "Heidi. You listen to me. You can kick my ass all over the state if you fight this thing and win. You got that? I'll give you a run for your money. I won't let you win, like I did when we played basketball in the driveway..."
Tears stung her eyes. She drew in a ragged breath, trying to fight the urge to cry, but failing. Hot water tickled her face as it dribbled down to her chin. She impatiently swiped at the droplets. "Good thing you're not awake to see me now. Here I am crying like a baby. You'd just love to see that, wouldn't you?" She chuckled, remembering how many times they'd fought, and how many times Heidi had called her the ice queen because she didn't cry.
Well, she was crying now. But she felt colder and more alone than she'd ever felt.
"You know that not-crying thing was just an act, something I'm sure I picked up from Mom. Mom missed her true calling. She should have been a movie star. Hell, we should all be in L.A. Messed up--each of us--just like they are. We'd fit right in. The weather's much nicer, though."
She stared down at Heidi and watched the slow rise and fall of her chest. If only she'd open her eyes. If only she hadn't become sick. If only Hailey hadn't destroyed her life five years ago...
"I swear I'll make it up to you. You hear me? I will make it up to you. You wake up. Tell me what you want. I'll do it. Whatever you say. I'll move to Alaska if you want."
A shiver quaked her, the thought of snow and ice, endless night, making the cold capsule encasing her heart even more frigid.
"I love you," she said, lifting her hand from Heidi's. She wiped away more tears and turned toward the door. All she wanted was some quiet time. Peace. Then again, with the jumble of memories, painful and bittersweet, tugging at her heart, maybe going somewhere loud and distracting would be better.
She'd always liked to hide in a crowd. For some reason, the more chaotic, the more crowded and loud a place was, the safer she felt.
Rainer's face was the first greeting her when she returned to the corridor. Margaret was nowhere to be found.
He stepped forward, his expression intense, his gaze fixed to hers. "Okay?"
She nodded as she pulled the mask from over her mouth. "Can we get out of here?"
"Sure."
Grateful, she pulled off the gloves and plunged them into the nearest trashcan before reaching back and working the thick laces for the surgical mask. They were knotted, and she grew irrationally annoyed, yanking on them but making the knots tighter.
"Here. Let me help," he offered, taking her shoulders in his hands and turning her around.
The skin at the back of her neck tingled as he worked the knots. She stared into a nearby nurse's eyes as she tried to force out the crazy thoughts dancing through her mind.
She'd just visited her sick sister. What the hell was she thinking? Her body warmed. Her skin became ultra sensitive. The nurse looked away, making Hailey even more self-conscious. She stepped away from Rainer, her hand at the back of her neck. "I'll get it. Thanks anyway." She felt around, but soon realized the mask was gone.
"I got it."
As she turned around, she caught a flash of something in his eyes before
he walked to the garbage can and tossed it in. By the time he faced her, his look was appropriately professional.
And she was relieved.
Or was she? "Ready?" she asked, anxious to get out of the hospital, anxious to get into some muggy summer air, and anxious to leave before her mother returned from where ever she'd gone.
"Yes, I'm ready." He nodded a silent goodbye to the group of nurses and doctors gathered at the counter and led her to the elevator. After punching the down button, he stared silently at the silver doors, and Hailey eagerly did the same, too afraid to speak, too afraid to think. Too afraid to figure out exactly what she was feeling.
And they didn't speak a word to each other until they were outside, settling into Rainer's car, the leather hot under Hailey's rear. She shifted. "Damn, it's hot."
"Yeah. The weather this time of year is miserable. A few more weeks and it'll be better."
"I remember. I grew up here, you know," she reminded him with a smile.
He looked at her as he started the engine. "You're acting really strange. Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine. What do you mean, strange?"
"I don't know..." His searching gaze only made things worse. It was so probing.
Her face heated, and she turned from him, grateful for the dark interior of the parking structure. "Can we get back to the house? I left my cell phone, and I need to make some calls."
"Sure." He drove in silence, the hour taking much longer than it should, and giving Hailey ample time to recall her sister's ashen face and her subsequent desperate plea.
It should be her in that bed.
When she walked into Rainer's front door, she made a hasty dash up the staircase to her room, and was greeted by her phone's message alert jingling cheerily through the room. She wasn't surprised to discover the message was from Pete. A little worried by the tone in his voice, she dialed the shelter's number. Andrew answered, his voice's usual happy-go-lucky tone a little grating today. She asked him how things were going, how Jensen and her puppies were faring, then asked to speak to Pete when he gave her a rundown of the mundane details of the past twenty-four hours.
Pete, on the other hand, didn't sound happy at all. In fact, she was alarmed the minute he said, "Hi, Hailey."
Rescue Me (a quirky romance novel about secrets, forgiveness and falling in love) Page 11
