"They're not bad. They're..." He shoved the plate away. "I can't eat another bite. You?"
"Me neither."
He glanced at his watch, disappointed to see his time was up. He needed to get Hailey back to his place and get back to work. His first patient was due at the clinic within the hour. He flagged down the waitress, paid the check and hurried Hailey toward the door, hoping she'd understand the reason for their hasty departure.
"What's the big hurry?" she asked, standing at the passenger side of the car.
"I have a patient at the clinic. Have to get back to work."
"Oh." She nodded, but looked skeptical, not that he could blame her. Since meeting her, he had slacked off at work. His sudden commitment to work must strike her as strange.
He didn't understand himself. He'd risked his career, his friendship with Heidi, his relationship with his contemporaries, all for what?
And that's when realization struck him. Blasted him with the force of the A-bomb. He didn't have a passing fancy for Hailey Jensen, or even a deep but transient lust. He had feelings for her. Real feelings. Like affinity, desire, respect. He all but loved her.
He had the sneaking suspicion loving her would be a very bad thing.
Thirty-six hours couldn't pass fast enough.
He buckled himself into the driver's seat, wryly wondering what she was thinking, but trying hard not to, and drove the few miles home. She stood inside the front door looking alone and miserable as he pulled away, and all he could think about was gathering her into his arms and kissing away the pain.
Damn his soft heart! If he could, he'd get a transplant. Replace it with a cold steel model. Something that wouldn't lead him astray.
And something that couldn't break.
###
Hailey watched Rainer drive away, the remaining salmony remains of the sunset hanging in the western sky. Pink and lavender. Michigan had some of the most breathtaking sunsets, she admitted. Not quite beating out the picture-perfect ones she enjoyed at home--whenever she allowed herself to be home before nightfall. For some reason, distance had given her life in California new clarity and focus.
Some things weren't so important anymore, and that surprised her. She'd expected to be frantic by now, knowing all the roadblocks facing her when she returned. Why didn't they bother her so much?
Surely they would regain importance when she got home. It was too much to think about, she reasoned. Just too much to deal with at one time, with Heidi so sick. And her mother, and Rainer...
She slammed the front door and walked up the stairs. No thinking about Rainer! Forget those last awkward hours. Forget about how it felt to sink into his embrace, to bask in his smile, to taste his kiss. It didn't matter. It wasn't real.
As soon as she was in her room, she turned on the television. Noise. That's what she needed. Something to drown out the ridiculous thoughts dancing through her mind. Something to chase away the temptation to curl up in misery and hide from life and pain.
The local news was on. A man and woman sat side by side rattling off the latest travesties and tragedies with smiling faces. She turned her back to their dim-witted chatter and walked to the bathroom. Maybe a bath--scalding, scented water--would make her feel better. It couldn't make her feel any worse.
As she stared at her pale reflection in the mirror, tinged by the florescent lights, she released her hair from the ponytail and ran her fingers through its length.
Yeah, run back to your pretty little life in California. Pretty ocean, pretty house, pretty hair, pretty face, pretty business..., her sister's voice echoed in her head.
"Well, what else can I do?" she asked, yanking at a tangle in her hair.
A thought struck her. It was a small thing. She didn't know if it would mean much, but it was something.
Immediately she opened the drawer in the cabinet and rummaged through its sparse contents. When she didn't find any scissors there, she tried the next, and the next, and the next.
"A doctor has to have scissors in his house."
She ran to his room, hesitating at the door before opening it. She wouldn't poke around, as tempting as that might be. "I'll go to the bathroom, check the medicine cabinet and leave," she said aloud as if that might help her avoid the temptation to snoop.
But she froze in place the moment she passed his dresser and spied several framed photographs of a woman, someone she didn't recognize. A young, beautiful woman with a bright smile and tanned face.
Was this a co-worker? She picked up the photograph to take a closer look. Rainer was in the picture with her, grinning like a madman. They stood close, his arm resting on her shoulder. Her hand rested on his stomach, her shoulder snuggled into his chest. They were much too cozy--like lovebirds roosting on a branch.
And then she noticed the background. Deep blue sky, sand, water.
Vacation?
"Who are you?" she asked, flipping the picture over, tempted to take it out of the frame to see if he'd written anything on the back. Then she laughed. She was being silly.
She set it back in place and scanned the room. A collection of framed photos sat on the armoire in the corner. She ran across the room.
Sure enough, several of them contained the mystery woman. The others were of Rainer and Heidi. In those, he stood farther, his expression stiff, his posture restrained. He didn't have the same relaxed demeanor with Heidi he shared with the other woman. Was she an ex-girlfriend?
He wouldn't he keep pictures of an ex-girlfriend. Unless...
...unless she wasn't an ex.
But that made no sense! Where was she? When did he spend time with her? Hailey shook her head. It didn't matter. Maybe she was someone he dated when he was a resident. Maybe she lived far away--in Florida. Sure, that could be it.
If the pretty blonde was a girlfriend, it explained a lot--like why he had acted so weird today. And why he reacted the way he did when she told him about Heidi's feelings.
Hailey let her head drop until her forehead smacked into the front of the armoire. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" He'd been awkward and tongue-tied because of Hailey's reckless behavior last night, thanks to the wine. He wasn't a cheater--even when the opportunity presented itself on a silver platter.
She studied the woman's beaming face in the photo. "You're one lucky lady." She set down the picture and turned toward the bathroom. Best to get out of there, pronto. After she found a pair of scissors, razor sharp, she left the room, closing the door behind her before running down the hall. She sat on her bed, the scissors lying across her hands like a revered artifact. Could she chop off all her hair for her sister?
Yes!
She ran to the bathroom, gathered it into a tight ponytail and raised the sheers to the base. The blades sliced through the thickness slowly at first, speeding up as she progressed.
Then it was done. She held the long ponytail in one hand and the instrument she'd used in the other. The hair was least two feet long, it would make a dynamite wig.
A wig for Heidi.
Hailey laid the hair and scissors on the counter and ran her hands through her shorn hair. It was uneven and choppy, looking like the bad cut she'd seen on a New England Sheepdog once. She cringed.
She took up the scissors and tried to even up the cut, but the more she chopped, the worse it looked, until she figured she might as well shave it all off. Remembering the electric trimmer she'd seen in Rainer's bathroom, she dashed back and got it, then finished the job, mopping up the remains in the white sink with a towel before she dared look in the mirror.
"I look like a Marine recruit!" she said, smiling at the God-awful reflection in the mirror. She turned on the water and filled the bathtub, dumping in a healthy dose of body wash to create a mountain of bubbles before lowering herself in.
With a sigh, she closed her eyes and let the water heat her from the outside in. She let herself doze off. But images of Heidi, her mother, Pete, Rainer and the woman in the picture played through her mind, each image more
troubling than the last. Finally, she sat up, and staring into the inky room, she realized she hated her life.
Wondering if Rainer was home yet, she dressed and walked to his room, her bare feet padding down the soft wool carpet. When she reached his door, she stood outside, fist raised, undecided. Should she knock? Could she ask him the questions tugging at her heart? Would she like the answers he gave her?
Chapter 12
Hailey knocked.
Rainer answered, "Come in."
She opened the door and stepped inside, immediately noticing he was still fully dressed, sitting on the bed, a book in his hands and several others strewn over the coverlet.
He glanced up at her, and his eyes widened with shock.
Her hand flew to her head as she realized why he was staring. "I cut it off."
"I see that." He patted the bed. "Come. Sit."
She accepted his invitation, feeling such a bizarre mix of emotions, from confusion to desperation, that she didn't know how to act. She stared at the pictures on the armoire.
"Why?" He rested his fingertip under her chin and turned her face to him.
"What is it about you?" she asked, not happy she'd spoken those words. She'd intended to think them.
"You did this because of me?"
"No. I did it for Heidi. I want to have a wig made for her."
He smiled and nodded.
"But there's more. You've done something to me, too. I was content before. I liked my life. What happened?"
"Maybe you weren't really content." He let his hand fall away, and she yearned for him to touch her again, as bad as it was.
She looked at the pictures again. "Maybe I was fooling myself, but I honestly don't think so. I wanted the marine rescue so bad, I thought I'd die if I didn't get it, but now..."
"You don't care anymore?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. It's not that I don't care. There's Pete--he's my partner, and Andrew, and the animals." She ran her hand over her head, feeling the strange, velvety softness of the short hair.
"What do you want?"
"I don't know what I want anymore."
"I remember what you said before--about doing what others want and then getting mad and hurting them. Is that what's happening here?"
"Before all this I knew what I wanted. I knew getting it was going to be hard. But everything is different now. The fight has gone out of me. What was important isn't anymore. I keep thinking if I don't want to fight for my dream, then I don't want it bad enough."
"I swear I didn't do anything intentionally."
"I guess you didn't have to." Their gazes met, and pulses of need and fear traveled between them at lightening speed. Hailey dropped her gaze when she felt her face heat. "What am I going to do?"
"You're going to return home and work through the business deal with your partner. What happened? You said something about it being difficult."
"I lost our largest contributor--thanks to delinquent taxes, and our land deal fell through when a relative contested a will."
"I'm sorry. If I could help, I would."
She saw the gears turning in his head as she lifted her eyes. It was that look--that one she'd seen several times. "Oh, no you don't!"
"Don't what?"
"I've seen you in action. You're not helping me."
He smiled. "That bad?"
"I won't go there. Besides, like I said, I'm not sure what I want anymore. I've never been the kind to waffle. This is ridiculous!"
He closed his hand over hers. "I think I can help."
"No."
"You haven't given me a compelling reason not to, and you know me--"
"I don't want your help. Please. Don't." She swallowed hard as she silently finished her plea. Because then I'd owe you. Because then I'd be tied to you. Because then I couldn't go back home and forget all about you--something I need to do so desperately. "Heidi hates me. She's here and she's sick and she needs me. If I go back to California and fight the battle to get the marine rescue started, I'll never have the opportunity to come back here to live if I want. I'll be..."
"Trapped?"
She nodded. That was it. She felt trapped. When had her dreams become a prison? When had her friends become her jailers? "What am I going to do? So many people are counting on me, and all I want is to simplify things. My life isn't my own."
"I can't tell you what to do, but being honest with Pete and Andrew might help."
She smiled. "Sounds so simple, doesn't it?"
"Simple doesn't mean easy."
She sighed. He understood her, like no one else. More importantly, he didn't condemn her. She studied his hand as it rested on hers. "You did this to me, you know that?"
"You said that already, but I swear I didn't do anything."
"You did, and for the life of me, I can't figure out how. I hate meddlers, but you wiggled your way into my heart and changed me."
He looked away, reaching for a book and flipping through the pages. "Tomorrow's a big day. Maybe you should let things rest until afterward. Then you can think things through with a clear head."
"Maybe." She looked at him, frustrated she couldn't climb into his arms, frustrated she couldn't snap her fingers and have all the answers lain out before her. And frustrated he was withdrawing with his pat answer. She intentionally changed directions, hoping that might ease the annoyance building within, and equally hopeful it would bridge the distance he'd wedged between them. "Who's the woman in the photographs?"
"She was a friend. A close friend."
He wasn't warming up, but she didn't want to back off. She stood and walked to the collection of pictures and picked up the one she'd held earlier. "You look closer than friends."
"We were close, but only friends."
"You keep speaking in past tense. Where is she now?"
"She's dead."
"Oh." Hailey turned to look at him. "What happened?"
"Suicide."
"I'm sorry. It must have been hard for you."
He nodded, but didn't speak.
She had to know more. "Why do you think she did it?"
"I know why she did it. She killed herself because of me."
Because of him? She set the picture back in place. "I'm sorry."
"You already said that. Besides, an apology isn't necessary. Her picture's all over the room. Of course you're going to ask."
"Why do you keep the pictures out? It's obvious they're painful for you to look at."
"For the same reason you keep that picture of you and Heidi in your wallet."
"You saw that?" She realized he'd seen it when he'd slipped the money into her purse last time she'd stayed with him.
"I keep them as reminders."
"Reminders of what?" she gently prodded.
"What not to do. I took our friendship at face value. I didn't realize she was in love with me, didn't want to believe it. I hurt her. One night, I went to her place after she'd left a strange message on my answering machine. I found her in the bathtub, and a note..." He blinked. "I won't do that again...well, didn't want to do that again."
"Heidi," she said, with understanding. The guilt she'd sensed wasn't because of a mystery girlfriend. He didn't want another death on his head.
"Heidi," he said with a nod.
"She's strong."
"She's sick."
"She won't kill herself."
"She doesn't have to," he said, his eyes downcast. "All she has to do is give up."
Hailey studied his profile, not knowing what to say. She could blame him for her sister's misunderstanding. He acted like a man in love--doing all he had for Heidi. If she were Heidi, she'd probably fall in love with him too. But blaming him wouldn't do anything, or would it? Maybe he needed to learn something from this experience. He hadn't hesitated dishing her more than one bitter pill.
But was she the right person to make that judgment? "I'm not trying to be mean, but maybe you encourage misunderstanding." She waited for a reaction.
###
Rainer met her gaze, stunned by her suggestion, and bewildered by it. He helped his friends. He was a nice guy--the kind of guy anyone would be lucky to call a friend. How could his actions be misunderstood? "What are you talking about?"
"Well," she said, looking away. "You're so intense."
"Intense? So what? Intense is better than shallow." What was she trying to do?
"Sure. I suppose you're right, but women..." She looked at him. "God, this is hard! Would you quit looking at me like that?"
"Like what? I'm just looking at you."
"No, you're looking like I've stolen your favorite toy."
"Oh, for crying out loud! Just say what you have to say and get it over with!" Not only was she dealing stingers--illogical stingers--but she was making him feel guilty for feeling pain as they struck.
"Women think a man who spends a lot of time with her--who insists on helping her--loves her."
"No they don't. Men solve problems, women vent. It's that Mars, Venus thing. I'm just playing my role."
"Too well."
"Look," he said with a sigh. "Heidi and I have been friends for years. We've always been honest with each other. We've helped each other with relationships--with the opposite sex. I've even set her up on a couple of blind dates."
"Has she done the same for you?"
He thought about it. Had she? "No."
"See?"
"That doesn't mean anything--other than she doesn't have a friend she deems worthy of me."
"Oh, aren't we modest?" Hailey rolled her eyes, those sparkling emerald eyes he yearned to lose himself within. He laughed. Even when she was saying things he didn't like, she was charming. If only...
"I appreciate what you're trying to do..." he started and then trailed off. He had no clue what she was trying to do. "I'll think about what you said."
"Sure you will. And I'll become a nun."
Rescue Me (a quirky romance novel about secrets, forgiveness and falling in love) Page 14
