by Lucy Lennox
He looked like something more than that. The way he held on to Jude was equally possessive as the way I felt about Jude. More than friends. Sexual possession, or at the very least attraction.
Jude began to relax into the embrace, and I felt like I was intruding. My gut was sour and I felt like I should turn away. Next, the guy lowered his hands to Jude’s ass. Just as I was about to freak out on Jude’s behalf, Jude straightened and pushed the guy away. Thank god.
Realization dawned. It wasn’t the shove of a straight guy fending off advances from a gay guy. It was the resistance of something familiar, comfortable. Like an old lover.
Jesusfuckingchrist.
Was it possible Jude Marian was gay?
6
Jude
I felt blindsided. Ari acted like we’d never been apart. Like he’d never told me I was nothing.
“Bubba, can we go somewhere private to talk?” he asked.
“Don’t call me that. And we are someplace private, so talk,” I said.
“I mean someplace truly private. Like your hotel room.” His eyes held a sparkle of desire and my desperate dick started responding against my will out of sheer habit from being near Ari after all this time.
“No. That’s not happening. I’ll see you tomorrow for the guitar lesson, Ari,” I ground out, trying my best to remain neutral and not show him how affected I was by his physical presence.
“Please, Bubba, I really just want to talk. I’ve missed you. Haven’t you missed me too?”
“No, I haven’t. And I don’t believe you really have either. What’s going on?”
“I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to reconnect. Plus, my company is pressuring me to sign you as a new investment client so I was hoping to set up a meeting with you while you were in town. I heard you were going to be here so I thought it would be good timing. Not that I wouldn’t mind sleeping together for old times’ sake,” he winked. “You look hot as shit and I’d love back in that ass.”
“Jesus, Ari. You want me to hire you as my investment manager?” I said, starting to lose my patience over the blatant flirting. I could only hold off the temptation to give in to him for so long. The aforementioned ass had spent a lonely six years without him.
“Yes, but I really do want to sleep with you too. I can’t even think standing here in front of you like this. Brings back dirty memories.” Ari looked at me like I was in his lusty crosshairs, and I worried that anyone who saw him would know immediately there was sexual history between us.
“No. I don’t want that,” I lied. “Any of it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Your body is saying otherwise,” he teased with a laugh. “Seriously, though, Jude, my firm just spent thirty grand to get your attention. At least give us a meeting.”
“Not a chance,” I replied. “Thank you for the donation, but that’s all it is.”
Ari gave me a tender smile, reminding me of the better times we’d had. Not the last time, when his words were like needle pricks to my self-esteem. “Tomorrow then?” he asked, alluding to our guitar lesson.
Damn it.
I threw up my arms and turned around to leave. Before I had a chance to escape, he was holding me in an embrace. I tried to resist, but then my body recognized the feel of his, and I was flooded with memories of lazy days naked against him, hours spent memorizing every inch of his body. My own body betrayed me by relaxing in his arms for a moment. I felt Ari’s hands move to my ass. Remembering we were in public, I shoved him off and turned to walk away.
That’s when I saw the look on Derek’s face.
Oh shit.
Hold it together, Jude. Don’t lose your composure until you get into your hotel room alone. I could feel myself trembling, so I overcompensated by putting on a fake cheerful facade.
“You ready, Wolfe?”
His eyes searched mine and I could see the concern in them. I tried to fill my own with a pleading to leave me alone. Derek must have gotten the message because he nodded and led me to the exit. Before stepping into the town car, I felt his hand land on my back. The warm feeling of physical touch made my eyes sting, and I began subconsciously counting down the seconds until I could be alone.
In the car I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the seat. I felt the heat of Derek’s powerful thigh next to mine, and his spicy scent drifted through the backseat with us. The desire to lean over and put my head on his shoulder was unbearable.
By the time we pulled up in front of the hotel, I had my arms crossed in front of my stomach and gripped my opposite forearms to keep them to myself. My teeth hurt from clamping my mouth closed, and my head was beginning to pound. Derek was even quieter than usual as we made our way up to the suite.
As soon as I entered the suite, I made my way to my bedroom and closed the door for the night. Derek stood looking after me, but I couldn’t bear to meet his eyes and see concern, pity, or any other supportive look on his face.
After a long shower, I fell into my bed. My mind raced with speculation and dread. What did Ari want? He couldn’t really want to get together for a quick fuck, could he? Was this just about managing my money? I had deliberately avoided seeking any information about him over the years, because there was no reason to pour salt into old wounds. Maybe I should do an Internet search on his name and see what I could find out.
I typed into the browser on my phone to see what I could find on Ari Crowe. All I learned besides his connection to the wealthy and powerful Crawford family he’d married into was his role as a senior investment manager for a financial company. No doubt a company primarily tasked with babysitting his father-in-law’s poultry fortune. There were photographs of Ari and his wife, Britta, at Nashville society galas and a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a community center. If Ari had been involved in charity work before tonight’s auction, it was a surprise to me. He’d never really been the type to focus on helping others.
I finally crashed around midnight but only stayed asleep for a couple of hours. I woke up and threw on a sweatshirt over my pajama bottoms before putting my earbuds in to listen to the instrumentals for a new song I’d written. I wandered through my room out into the common area of the suite, singing the lyrics softly.
I wasn’t looking up when I came around the corner to the kitchen area and ran right into Derek’s massive body. I screamed and ripped off my headphones, scrambling backward until I hit a wall.
“Jesus Christ,” I shouted, in complete freak-out mode. My breathing hitched from the adrenaline spike.
Derek held out his hands to keep me from tumbling to the floor, his fingers grabbing my biceps. “Shit, Jude. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
My chest heaved and I struggled to catch my breath. “The fuck are you doing?” Derek was dressed in his T-shirt and boxers. His muscular legs were bare, and my heart began to hammer even harder.
“Uh, just getting some water,” he said. “Are you okay?”
Derek looked so stricken I wanted to reassure him. “I’m fine. I just didn’t know you were up.”
“I’m sorry,” Derek said again, looking down at his bare feet. “Want me to leave you in peace?”
“No. Not at all.” I tried to give him a reassuring smile.
“What were you singing?” he asked. “One of the new ones?”
I took a few breaths to calm down before answering. “Yeah. It’s called “Broken-Down Bus.” I’m still working on getting it right,” I told him, proceeding to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of juice now that I’d regained control of myself.
“What’s it about?” Derek asked, rubbing his hands over his face as if to wake up.
“You remember my brother Jamie was left at the altar a few months ago?”
“Yes, I also remember trying to stop a million Marian men from going on a revenge quest,” he replied.
“Right, well, I was more worried about what poor Jamie must have been going through. Can you imagine that feeling of rejection and betrayal?
It would kill me.”
“I can’t imagine someone leaving you like that, Jude. They’d have to be crazy.”
A blush heated my face. I knew he was referring to my wealth and fame, but it still felt nice to hear. If only he knew. “Thanks. Anyway, on my flight to the next tour city after that, I started hearing this tune in my head. I imagined Jamie on an old bus heading home to Alaska by himself to hide out in his cabin and maybe find someone else to help him heal.
“But heartbreak is a solitary pain,” I continued. “In my imagination, the bus broke down before he could get into someone’s comforting arms, leaving him feeling let down all over again. Like hitting rock bottom, you know?”
I felt Derek’s eyes on me like he was looking right into my soul as he spoke. “The broken-down bus is a metaphor for the heart. When it breaks down, you can’t just leave it on the side of the road. You have to fix it before you can move on.”
My heart raced as I heard my innermost thoughts come out of his mouth. “Exactly,” I said.
Derek looked at me for a few beats. “And do you listen to your own lyrics?”
I couldn’t sit still under that searing gaze. It was as though he knew everything about me and could see every weakness I had. I didn’t want him to see my weaknesses.
I shrugged and stood up, depositing the empty juice bottle into the trash under Derek’s watchful gaze.
I looked at him before leaning against the counter. “Some busses can’t be fixed, Wolfe. They’re just fucking broken, and they’ll never be able to get anyone anywhere ever again.”
Silence thrummed like the beat of a bass guitar until Derek broke it.
“Bullshit. Sometimes you just have a shitty passenger and need to kick them out for good. Tell me who Ari is, Jude”
7
Derek
Jude had always been jumpy, so it killed me when I was the one who accidentally spooked him in the kitchenette. If there was anyone besides his family who he should never have to fear, it was me.
Before he’d seen me in the suite’s common area, he’d been singing a song that was heartbreaking. The silky sound of his voice turned the lyrics into roots that grew around my very soul. There was no accompanying music, just his voice drifting throughout the suite. I would have tried to alert him to my presence had I not wanted so desperately to hear him continue singing.
I’d never really admitted to myself there were times I liked Jude’s songs, but when I heard him singing that night in his pajamas, I finally did. I loved the singing he did when he was alone, not realizing anyone was listening. There was something raw about the way he sang when he was by himself. I’d overheard him many times in the months I’d known him. Times when he’d forgotten I was in the background or didn’t realize I was around the corner.
I wasn’t a fan of country music necessarily, but the man himself had a stunning set of pipes. Sometimes I’d catch him singing other kinds of songs. Once, I overheard him singing the Leonard Cohen song “Hallelujah” and it blew me away. He was alone in his hotel room with his acoustic guitar, and I was in the common area just outside his door. I stood stock-still and felt that song all the way into the very marrow of my bones. His voice was haunting and raised goose bumps all over my skin. I caught myself looking around, stunned there wasn’t anyone else there to witness that incredible moment besides me.
Another time I was waiting in his dressing room after a concert, and he was in the shower singing “Ruby Tuesday” by the Stones. He was still pumped up from the concert and I could hear the energy in his voice. I imagined him dancing around the shower with the beaming smile he usually had when he came off stage.
Jude Marian was a pretty quiet man behind closed doors. I wouldn’t necessarily call him shy, but he was quieter than you’d imagine. At first I had assumed it was a result of giving all his energy to his fans, but then I learned it was actually a complete difference between his private and public personas. Had he known I could hear him singing in private any of those times, he would have blushed deep red and hidden his face. Yet, put him on stage in front of tens of thousands of fans and the man was a star performer.
As we stood in the little kitchen space in the suite’s large common area, I confronted him about who Ari was. He seemed to waver in his decision to open up to me. I wanted to shake him and scream, Just spill it already! But I stayed patient and calm.
“I’m gay,” Jude eventually said.
I stood there blinking. Even though I’d had the thought earlier at the auction, I’d talked myself out of it while trying to fall asleep that night. On the one hand, it was too good to be true. On the other, he had a girlfriend. Tilting my head to look at him, I blinked some more. Could he really have just said…?
“I’m gay,” he said again, this time much louder. “Fucking get your head out of your ass and say something.”
“You can’t be,” I decided. “You have a girlfriend.”
He looked at me like I was an idiot. “Right. Paisley? Come on.”
“Her name is Jae,” I snapped, feeling angry for no reason.
“Oh, now her name is Jae? That’s cute,” he barked, and then pushed me in the chest. “Come on, damn it. Out with it, He-Man.
“Why are you yelling at me?” I shouted back, grabbing his wrists before he could try shoving me again.
“I know you’ve got judgy shit stacking up in that big head of yours, so open your goddamned mouth.”
So I did. I opened my mouth and brought it down on his before I even knew what I was doing. He scrambled back at the same time my brain caught up with my mouth, causing me to do the same. We ended up about ten feet away from each other in the large room.
“Shit,” I said, raking my fingers through my hair.
“Jesus, Wolfe. What the hell?” he gasped, bringing his hand up to his lips.
“I’m so sorry, Jude. Damn it. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what the hell came over me,” I stammered while my brain screamed for me to run. Just get in the hotel elevator and leave. But years of experience told me to stay, that it would only be harder to come back here if I ran.
“Just forget about it. I shouldn’t have shoved you,” Jude said. “Clearly you find me irresistible.” The joke fell flat, and I heard a thread of self-loathing in it.
“Actually, I think resisting you for this long should win me some kind of award,” I admitted under my breath. “You’re hot as shit.”
“Shut up. Just because I told you I’m gay doesn’t mean you get to make fun of me,” he said, angry fire blazing in his brown eyes.
“Make fun of you?” I asked. “I was complimenting you.”
He looked at me funny. “What?”
“You’re sexy, Jude. It’s not like you don’t already know that. Why would you think I was joking about you being hot?”
“Because guys like you would never call another man hot,” he said.
“Guys like me? What, you mean tall guys?” I baited him.
“Fuck you. No, I mean Navy SEAL guys. Macho commando guys.”
“I was a Marine Raider. Don’t insult me with that Navy shit,” I warned.
Jude rolled his eyes. “My bad. Marine Raider then. Those guys don’t call other men hot and live to tell the tale. They get their parachute cords cut early on.”
“Well, then, it’s a good thing I never told them I was gay. Taking a splat onto a cement landing pad would not have been as nice a send-off as the Bronze Star ceremony I had,” I said, watching him for his response. I expected relief at hearing me say I was gay, but instead I was surprised to find suspicion.
“You’re not gay,” he informed me.
I snorted. “You’re right. Maybe I have the word wrong. What do you call it when a man is attracted to other men instead of women?”
“Now you’re seriously messing with me. Maybe you should go back to bed.” Jude looked at me with narrowed eyes.
I wandered back to the more comfortable seating area by the television and sat on the couch. “Sit dow
n, Jude, and talk to me. Whether you want to believe it or not, I’m gay. You can trust me to understand how sensitive this is.”
He must have heard something in my voice that let him know I was being sincere.
“Really?” he asked as he came to sit on the other end of the couch, curling up and wrapping his arms around his knees. “You’re seriously gay?”
“I seriously am. Obviously I’m not out. My family is beyond traditional southern conservative, and my job still revolves around ex-military personnel who aren’t very accepting. It’s getting better, but I’ve never really felt the need to talk to people about it.”
Jude sighed. “I’ve lived in the closet my whole life, and just when I thought I might have found someone worth coming out for, he dropped me like a hot potato. Ari Crowe.”
He shifted in his seat, pulling his knees in even closer and taking a deep breath before continuing.
“We met in Nashville around seven years ago. It was just after I’d arrived here to try the music scene. The band and I were playing clubs and bars and trying to get some traction when Ari chatted me up one night after our set.
“I was in my early twenties and finally considering living openly. At that point I had two brothers who were already out, and my parents were heavily involved with the LGBTQ youth program. Fear of my family’s rejection was never the reason I was in the closet. This is going to sound silly, but by the time I realized I was gay, Blue and Jamie had been out for several years. I felt like everyone was going to assume I was a copycat, or outsiders would tease me for having been ‘made gay’ by my queer family,” he explained.
I gave him a reassuring smile. This was all beginning to make more sense. “Does your family know?”
