by Lucy Lennox
It was October and we were on our way to my parents’ place in Hillsborough for family dinner when Derek gave me the update about the judge giving the teens community service instead of formal charges.
“Oh thank god,” I said.
My stomach turned at the thought of two homeless kids going to jail for stealing food. I had three brothers who’d been homeless as teens, and I’d heard what it was like to be young and desperate. People pushed to the edge had to make awful decisions in order to survive.
I couldn’t help thinking of my brother Griffin.
“Did you know that Griff was homeless for a long time before he found the shelter?” I asked. “He had to do some horrible shit to survive, Wolfe. I can’t stand the thought of those kids in jail for trying to find food and clothing. They could have stolen my Grammys or my computer. Hell, they could have stolen any number of expensive items I have just lying around the house. But they didn’t.”
“I know, Jude. It’s okay though. They’ll get some help and a fresh start.”
“Do you think Ollie can keep track of them so I can help them get on their feet?” I asked.
“I’m sure she can. That woman is a computer wiz.”
I bit my lower lip and looked out the window as we passed through downtown San Francisco. “It shouldn’t have happened, Derek.”
He looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. “You’re taking this really personally, Jude. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah. It just reminds me how lucky I was to grow up in the family I did. Why me? Why can’t all kids be safe, fed, and sheltered?” I put my hand over on Derek’s leg in the driver’s seat. “I’m just a little thrown by this, you know?”
His hand came down on mine and squeezed. “Yeah, I know.”
When we got to my parents’ house, almost all my siblings were there with the exception of Jamie and Blue.
My mom came around the corner from the kitchen to greet us.
“There they are. Derek, come give me a hug, sweetie,” she said before wrapping her arms around him.
“Rebecca, it’s nice to see you again,” he said.
“I’m so sorry about your brother, honey. How’re he and your mom?” she asked.
“Both doing better. I talked to her yesterday. It sounds like her friends at church are keeping her company with emails to her iPad.”
“Good, good. I’m glad you could rearrange your work schedule to join us. You boys come through to the kitchen. We’re going to eat inside since it’s so windy today,” she said, leading us into the kitchen.
I greeted everyone with a wave and gave a tight hug to my sister, Simone. She was still smarting from her breakup, and I could see rings around her eyes.
“How are you holding up, baby girl?” I asked.
“Like shit, if you really want to know,” she confessed. “I was thinking about going to see Jamie in Denali just to get away for a little bit.”
Pete overheard and chimed in. “And freeze your ass off? No. I have a better idea. I’ve been trying to get Ginger to get away for some relaxation in the sun now that her big fundraising gala is over. Why don’t I send you two to Cabo or something for a little while? That way you can get away and it’ll force her to finally take some time off.”
“Shit, Pete. Do you really mean it? I would love that. What do you say, Ginge?” she asked our sister-in-law.
“I’m in. I just didn’t want to go alone, and none of my girlfriends are Cabo-worthy. You are though. That would be perfect. Let’s do it.”
Aunt Tilly appeared from somewhere deep in the house and gave Derek a hug that lasted an inappropriately long time. He politely extracted himself from her embrace, locking eyes with me over her silver head of hair.
“My, my, Derek Wolfe. We haven’t seen you around since Simone’s Scandal,” she said.
Simone groaned. “I told you that’s not a thing, Aunt Tilly. Stop trying to name it.”
Tilly waved her hand dismissively at my sister and kept her attention on my bodyguard. “Sorry about your brother, big guy. But rest assured I’m happy to provide a nice, comfortable bosom to rest your weary head on.”
“Uh, thanks, Tilly. I’ll keep that in mind,” he replied. As he turned away to offer my mom some help in the kitchen, Tilly snaked her hand out to smack him on the ass. Derek jumped and sucked in a breath. I laughed.
“Aunt Tilly, Jesus. Give the guy a break. That’s sexual harassment. He’s on the clock, for crying out loud,” I warned.
Derek quirked a brow at me, and I felt my face flush.
Tilly snickered. “Jude, honey, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed what a nice ass he has. I mean, mmm-hmm.”
My father sighed and my brother Pete barked out a laugh.
“I’m not going to deny the man is in good shape,” I admitted. “But that doesn’t mean people can just grab his ass any old time they want to.”
Derek twisted his tongue between his teeth to keep from calling me on my bullshit. I happened to be a person who took great pleasure in grabbing his ass any old time I wanted to, assuming we weren’t in public.
My brother Maverick came to Derek’s rescue. “Leave poor Derek alone. He’s used to staying quiet in the background and now you guys have him pinned in the spotlight and are discussing his glutes like he’s a prize bull at an auction.”
“Speaking of auctions,” Dad said, “I heard your guitar lesson brought in over thirty thousand dollars for the children’s cancer group. That’s fantastic, Jude.”
My stomach dropped at the reminder of the Ari encounter. I mumbled a thanks and busied myself making a pitcher of ice water to take out to the dining table.
I heard Wolfe chime in. “It was really something, actually. Lawrence Hammond matched the donations, so another thirty-two thousand went to Wounded Warriors in Jude’s name.”
“Actually,” Simone said, “it went to Wounded Warriors in your name, Wolfe.”
I heard a lull in conversation and chose not to turn around.
“What?” Derek asked in his usual calm voice. I was starting to learn the nuances of that voice, however, and that calmness belied a promise that this subject would be covered whether it was now or later.
“I only know that because I helped him organize the donation distribution from the auction. The woman who normally does it was on maternity leave. I do all of that work for the animal shelter so he knew I could stand in for Brenda.”
“Speaking of Brenda,” I chimed in, “has she had her baby yet?”
Leave it to news of a new baby to get the conversation rolling in a new direction.
Late that night after we’d returned to my place and vigorously wiped the two days of celibacy out of our memories, he brought it up again.
I lay on my back with my head leaning against Derek’s calf and my feet up by his shoulders. His hand ran a delicious trail up and down my bent leg as we enjoyed our post-orgasmic stupor.
“You didn’t tell me you sent that donation in my name,” Derek said. “Thank you.”
I opened my mouth to make a joke but forced myself to give him the respect he deserved. “You’re welcome. Thank you for your service.”
Derek leaned up on an elbow to look at me. His eyes were searching mine and I reached out to smooth the line between them.
“You’re welcome, Bluebell. I would say it was my pleasure, but it definitely wasn’t.” A shadow darkened his face. It was one I’d seen before and had been too scared to ask him about. That conversation was for lovers, partners. It wasn’t for fuck buddies.
“No, I guess not.”
“You ready to take a shower and go to sleep?” Derek asked. “It’s late.”
“Hm? Oh, sure,” I said, following him into my bathroom, still envisioning what he could have gone through to bring those shadowed memories to his face.
I took my time sliding soapy hands along the expanse of his muscled back and torso, giving special attention to the broad, rounded shoulders and biceps I liked to clutch when Der
ek was on top of me. Just as his mouth began to turn up in a smile that could only mean good things for me, the perimeter alarm blared angrily.
27
Derek
I scrambled into my clothes while still dripping wet and barked at Jude to stay where he was. Racing out of the bedroom, I heard phones start ringing and knew it would be the alarm company calling Jude and On Your Six calling me.
We discovered a crashed drone in the driveway with a transmitting video camera on board. The SFPD officers suspected it was most likely some sort of media attempt to get private photographs of Jude in his home. They had learned from LAPD that drones were being used more and more to spy on celebrities.
The situation brought into focus that even being together behind the closed doors of Jude’s home could be dangerous. I couldn’t imagine someone from the media getting a shot of Jude in a compromising situation with me or otherwise. Even a photo of him making breakfast fully clothed would be a massive invasion of his privacy. A photo of the two of us having sex was unthinkable. It would be worth an obscene amount of money.
After the police and security company responders left that night, it was obvious Jude was still shaken. His eyes were wide and he was pale. I had already closed all the blinds and curtains in the house and made note of the few windows that didn’t have any type of covering. He could get Ollie to look into fixing that the following day while I researched any possible way of disabling drones around the house.
I couldn’t help but triple-check the window and door locks before resetting the alarm. Jude was in the kitchen making a cup of hot tea and asked if I wanted any.
“You know I hate tea, especially that stuff you drink,” I said, filling a glass of ice water instead.
“It’s good for the voice,” he explained.
“I know. Maybe that’s why it tastes like shit.”
“Maybe.” He smiled.
“You okay?” I asked him.
Jude shrugged. “Not really. I’m pissed off. Times like these make me wonder if it’s worth it.”
“You’ve given up a lot for your career. But you have food in your kitchen, a roof over your head, good health, and a loving family. Lots of people would sacrifice plenty for any one of those things. Remember that.”
He rubbed his hands over his face. “You’re right. Thanks, Wolfe. I needed to hear that tonight.”
“Let’s go to sleep.” I pulled him up from his stool and led him by the hand toward his bedroom. “It’s beyond late. Things will look better in the morning.”
Once we were in bed, Jude fell asleep pretty quickly. His warm body was attached to my side, and my fingers ran through his hair as I thought about what he’d said about success being worth the sacrifices of fame.
The concept of something good being worth a certain amount of sacrifice was something that I’d been confronted with my whole life. Growing up in the military taught kids that national security was worth missing their parents for months on end, that promotions and adventure were worth the heartache of saying goodbye to friends. That sometimes saving someone’s life was worth sacrificing your own.
Worth it.
That keeping my family blissfully ignorant of my sexuality was worth hiding my true self. I wondered what Jude thought about it. Was his success and fame worth being celibate for six goddamned years of his life? Was protecting his heart from another betrayal like Ari’s worth not letting anyone get close?
For that matter, were we really succeeding at keeping our emotional distance from each other? It didn’t feel like it. It felt suspiciously like a relationship. One in which we cared about each other, missed each other when we were apart, and took comfort in climbing into bed together after a long night, even with no plans to have sex. Just what kind of sex-only relationship was that? We were kidding ourselves.
What Jude and I were falling into was a relationship.
I tried to decide how I felt about that realization. My two biggest reasons for avoiding emotional entanglements were the risk of being outed to my family and my inability to commit to someone when I was hardly ever home.
Both of those excuses were moot with Jude. He didn’t want to be outed either, and when I wasn’t home, it was because I was with him. I lived with him, for god’s sake. I slept in his bed five nights out of seven.
Would it really be so bad if I opened myself up to a relationship with Jude Marian? Maybe. But it didn’t have to be all or nothing. I could let go of some of my hesitation. Be open to him and open to finding out what would come next if we allowed our… whatever it was, to go where it naturally wanted to go.
I shifted us both until I spooned against his back. My lips pressed a kiss on his bare shoulder, and I was tempted to kiss him awake and then pleasure him back into oblivion. I resisted the urge in favor of letting him sleep and forced myself to sleep as well.
While Jude practiced with the band the next morning in his home studio, Ollie and I worked side by side at the kitchen table on our laptops.
We had ended up together like that several times over the weeks and enjoyed each other’s company. I had started to get the feeling she suspected something was going on between Jude and me, and I was surprised to realize I didn’t mind her knowing. If Jude could trust her, then I could too.
That morning Clint dropped by with some huge news. Ollie and I were arguing about whether or not she should change her hair color to orange for Halloween when the doorbell rang.
I escorted Clint down to the studio with Ollie hot on my heels. She must have known he wouldn’t drop by unless he had something interesting to share.
Jude saw me through the window of the studio and his whole face lit up. God, he was fucking adorable when he smiled. He was beautiful all the time, but there was something magical about being on the receiving end of that incredible grin.
The music stopped and Jude pushed the door open.
“Hey, guys, what’s going on?” he asked.
The band trickled out and made their way to a cluster of large couches arranged in front of a bank of television screens hanging on the wall of the basement TV room. It was the kind of space most men would use to invite their friends over to watch a big football game, but it was more likely to be used for movie marathons or video games in Jude’s house.
While my body wanted to follow Jude to a spot on the sofa, my brain remembered I was on duty as a bodyguard. A bodyguard stayed in the background against a wall and remained invisible. I quietly wandered away a professional distance.
The look on Jude’s face confirmed I wasn’t the only one who felt a new strangeness at this dichotomy between our personal time and professional time. It had been a while since I’d been in bodyguard mode around Clint and the band.
Jude’s eyebrows furrowed and I could see his eyes flick toward me every few minutes. I did my best to retain the stoic neutral face I had perfected in the military.
Clint greeted everyone and announced he had some very exciting news.
“I got a gig for you in early February in Nashville,” Clint began with a big grin on his face. My stomach knotted at the word “Nashville,” and I tried to contain my outward expression of annoyance to a clenching of my jaw.
I looked over to Jude, whose eyes were already on mine and full of worry.
“At the Ryman?” Fiona asked with raised brows. “Please say it’s the Ryman. I love playing there.”
“No, I’m afraid it’s at the stadium,” he said. There was a smattering of disappointed sighs. Surely he hadn’t come to Jude’s house just to tell them about a regular old concert.
“They want you to sing the halftime show at the Super Bowl.”
Silence for a beat. Jude seemed as though he was getting ready to stand up, but quickly settled back down.
Beck, the drummer, jumped up and shouted. “Woo-hoo!”
Fiona looked shell-shocked. “Are you for real? Oh my god. Are you serious right now, Clint?” she asked in a hushed whisper.
Sutter and Joey high-
fived and whooped their excitement before Sutter told everyone it was a dream come true. Even Jude couldn’t help but smile in response to the news. It didn’t matter where the game was, being asked to play in front of 100 million viewers worldwide was like reaching the pinnacle of an artist’s career.
As the excitement bubbled through the room, Clint made sure to remind everyone they had to keep the news confidential until they signed all the paperwork and the NFL made the official announcement. No one could even tell their families.
After realizing they wouldn’t get any more productive practice in for the day, everyone moved up to the kitchen to celebrate with a drink. Clint told everyone that after he called to accept the offer, they could expect paperwork by the end of the day.
Again, I stayed in the background while everyone celebrated. I gave Jude a smile of congratulations, and he thanked me with a grin. Ollie made a point to stand near me and engage me in bits of conversation. She’d always treated me as a coworker or friend more than a bodyguard and even on tour, she was uncomfortable with my invisibility routine.
It seemed she was even more uncomfortable now, which led me to believe she really did know things were more than bodyguard and client between Jude and me. I’d have to ask him about it.
I’d also have to think about how to plan Jude’s security while we were in Ari’s hometown.
Before Clint and the band left for the day, he made one last announcement. The band would travel to Nashville a few weeks later to hammer out production plans for the show with the event committee. Hundreds of people would be hired to help facilitate the halftime show, and it was a massive undertaking that required coordination and practice.
I wondered if it would be possible for Jude to travel to Nashville for the planning meeting without Ari finding out.
28
Jude
Hearing about the Super Bowl gig was unbelievable. No one could deny a band’s success once it played that halftime show. It truly was a dream come true for all of us.
