Carrick shook his head and sat down heavily in one of the chairs. She followed suit.
“Ava, after we take back Kestevayne, I’m leaving Vyronas.”
Ava didn’t say anything, but cocked her head slightly to indicate she was interested to hear more.
“I’m telling you this now, because I don’t want you expecting there is a happily ever after for us. There’s not, nor can there be.”
Ava’s stomach dropped. “Do you mind telling me why you feel this way?” She was trying to appear calm but her heart was racing.
Carrick was going to let it all hang out. “I don’t know if I can describe it to you, but something in me is different since you left. No, let’s be honest about…since I sent you away against your will. What we had before… it’s simply no more.”
“But there is something there,” Ava said. “I’m not imagining it.”
“There is something there,” Carrick admitted. “I want you like I want no other. But I can’t offer you what I did before.” He took a deep breath. “Before, you had my complete devotion and love. Now, I am full of nothing but anger, and guilt, and vengeance. It consumes me… motivates all of my actions.” Carrick paused and rubbed his eyes wearily. Then his voice softened, to almost a whisper. “It’s actually worse sometimes when I’m around you.”
Ava gasped as tears formed in her eyes. “That can’t be true! When you are around me, sparks fly. When you made love to me in Avery, that’s exactly what it was… an expression of love. I can’t be making those ugly feelings worse. Please tell me that’s not true.”
Carrick sighed heavily and looked at Ava with sad, tired eyes. “Ava, you’re like a balm to me. Our passion ignites, and you soothe me. But after you fall asleep in my arms, those dark feelings return. My guilt over what I did to you crushes me…when I look at you…lying in my arms so trusting…” Carrick’s words were truly anguished.
Ava reached across the table and grabbed his hand. He tried to pull it away but she held tight. “Look at me, Carrick.”
When Carrick turned his lovely blue eyes to her, Ava continued. “I don’t doubt for one second the validity of what you are feeling. But the answer is not in running away. The answer is in fixing the problem. You said I was a balm to you. Then let me continue to help you. Let me continue to love you. It will change for you, I promise.”
Again, Carrick shook his head in what she easily recognized as defeat. He squeezed her hand. “No, Ava. I’m no good for you the way I am. I’ve made my decision.”
Ava’s hand dropped away from his. There was such finality in his tone. Her heart felt like it had just ripped in two. “What do we do then?”
“Tomorrow, I’m going to set you up in one of the empty cottages and post soldiers for your protection. You and Heph will work on the blood magic. I am going to spend time visiting the other Royal Houses and arranging battle plans. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, but hopefully, we can solidify a strategy and mobilize all of our forces within the week.”
Ava felt the tears start to spill from her eyes and hated herself. She hated showing weakness to anyone. “I meant what will we do about each other?” Her voice trembled.
***
Carrick hated seeing her like this but there was no going back now. “There’s nothing to do Ava. We go our separate ways.” Damn, he felt like such a shit saying that.
Ava nodded and Carrick could see that the fight went out of her completely. He felt something hot and molten unfurl in his stomach. This is what he wanted, for her to give up and start the process of getting over the notion of reclaiming their love. So why did he feel so bereft at the defeated look in her eyes?
“Can we have one last night then…to say goodbye?” Ava whispered.
Carrick struggled. It had taken all of his strength and resolve to break things off with her. He should make their departure clean, as hurtful as it was.
“Please,” Ava begged.
Carrick felt a sharp stab of pain in his chest. Ava never begged. The only other time had been when he had sent her away, and here he was, causing her to do it again. Fuck, I’m such a bastard.
But he just couldn’t deny her this time and truth be told, he didn’t want to deny himself. So he promised himself that having one more night together would be the best way to end it.
Carrick stood up from his chair and reached his hand out to Ava. She stood up as well and placed her hand in his. “One last night,” he said softly. Then he turned and led her to the bedroom.
***
Carrick and Ava slowly undressed each other. Ava tried to burn every moment into her memory, knowing this would be their last night together.
She had been fooling herself apparently. She thought Carrick would figure out his love for her. She never once doubted there wouldn’t be a happy ending for them. You’re such a fool. She had been so wrong and it was crushing to her.
Lying down on the bed, they faced each other and Ava lifted her hand to caress Carrick’s cheek. He closed his eyes at the contact, as if he were savoring the feel of her touch. Ava leaned toward Carrick and kissed him softly. Chastely. She smoothed her palm from his cheek to the back of his head, and pulled him closer for a longer kiss. He opened his mouth to her and she took what he offered. Swirling her tongue with his, she thought of how much she would miss his taste. It was all man. Primal.
She deepened the kiss and although she tried not to, she knew her kiss tasted like desperation. She hoped Carrick wouldn’t find that too pathetic.
His arms tightened around her, stroking her skin. She heard a moan vibrating at the base of his throat. Gods, how am I going to live without him?
Time didn’t seem to have meaning as Carrick and Ava kissed. Eventually, their hands started roaming, both of them eager to touch every inch of the other’s skin. Carrick rubbed his finger over the tiny mole that sat at the base of her spine. He buried his hands in the softness of her hair.
Ava was spinning out of control. She hated that she had no control over Carrick’s decision to break things off. She hated she had no control over the way she was feeling. The only thing she knew to do at this moment was to get some semblance of control back.
Ava broke their kiss and pushed Carrick roughly onto his back. She sat up at his side, and smoothed her palms over his chest. She lightly stroked downward, grazing her fingers over the ridged muscles of his abdomen. She ruffled one hand through the golden trail of hair below his navel, and followed it down to his groin. He was already fully hard and she took a moment to lightly run her fingers up and down his shaft. Silk and steel. She rubbed her thumb over the top, spreading the drop of moisture that beaded at the head.
She heard Carrick suck in his breath and hold it. He was watching Ava stroke him with a mixture of lust and sadness. It was the most surreal combination of feelings she had ever seen cross his face. Then Ava leaned over and ran her tongue over the top of him, while one hand squeezed him around the base. He tasted salty, like the tears she knew she would shed later.
Ava took him fully in her mouth, and sucked him in long, fluid strokes. As her mouth pulled up, she let her hand squeeze downward. Within seconds, Carrick’s hips were bucking in response to her erotic laving.
“Please slow down, Ava,” Carrick rasped out.
His request for her to slow down spurred her on faster. See, I’m in control now. She wasn’t going to be taking any orders from him tonight. While pumping him with her mouth, she moved her hand down and gently squeezed his balls.
“My Ava,” Carrick shouted.
No, Ava thought sadly, I’m not yours. Not after tonight.
Whether he did it to distract her or not, she never knew, but Ava felt Carrick grab at her hips. She actually growled and latched her mouth firmly on him, thinking he meant to pull her off. Instead, he lifted Ava’s hips and swung them over his torso. He pulled back so she was directly over his face and then he started to devour her.
Both of them were frenzied in their desire to pleasure the other
. Their mouths were speaking, but in a completely different way. Carrick was the first to release, momentarily letting Ava go as he shouted out with abandon. Ava swallowed him down, her throat vibrating in appreciation. She continued to softly lick at him until she felt his spasms stop.
Then she concentrated solely on what Carrick was doing to her. Her orgasm built swiftly and she did nothing to stop the tide. With a particularly strong flick of his tongue, Ava let go and spiraled into passionate oblivion.
When Ava surfaced back to reality, she had found her body was lying limply on Carrick’s. They were stomach to stomach, her head was on his left thigh. Her hips had moved forward and were lying across his chest, her legs on either side of his head. She could feel Carrick lightly rubbing the backs of her thighs, soothing her. He turned his head slightly to the right and placed a kiss on the inside of her thigh. The stubble from his chin scraped deliciously against her, causing her to shudder.
Ava turned her head and saw that he was still semi-erect. She reached her hand out and stroked him. Carrick moaned at her touch and within minutes, he was hard again.
“You know we aren’t done, Carrick. You promised me the night.”
Ava released Carrick and sat up. She turned her body around so she was facing him and threw one of her legs over his hips. Straddling him, she took a moment to lightly graze her fingertips over his chest. She glanced at him and was struck by the look on his face. The damn idiot. His face held all the love in the world for her, but he was too stupid to recognize it.
Never taking her eyes off him, she positioned herself over him and sunk onto his hard length. When she was seated fully, she placed both of her hands on his chest and started moving up and down. She refused to break her gaze with him, even though the pleasure was so intense, her natural reaction was to close her eyes with rhapsody.
Ava’s lips parted and she started panting. Carrick reached up and stroked her breasts, but Ava grabbed his hands and linked their fingers together instead. Ava then used the leverage his arms provided to ride him. Holding hands, looking each other in the eye, Ava slowly moved up and down on Carrick. She hoped every stroke made him understand the depth of her love for him.
As if to match her slow strokes, Ava felt an orgasm starting to rumble within her. It felt like a large beast that was just slowly coming awake. Every time she sat up, and then came back down, the beast rumbled harder. Ava fought to keep it slow, but her body was demanding she pick up the pace.
Carrick surged his hips upward against her down strokes. She could tell he was on the brink of release. Ecstasy had flooded his face and their hands were gripping each other tightly, making their knuckles white. Memorizing his face, the way it looked at this exact moment, Ava’s orgasm fully erupted. It crashed through her body like a tidal wave in a violent rush. It moved swiftly and left small ripples in its wake. She called out his name.
As Ava’s inner muscles clamped down on Carrick, he released her hands and gripped her hips. He helped move her up and down once…twice…and then released hotly inside her, issuing a feral growl as he came.
Ava collapsed onto Carrick’s chest, holding him inside her. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hair. Her throat was tight and she was filled with such sadness. This was supposed to be a way to make the goodbye better, but she had never felt lower.
Ava was lying with her cheek resting on Carrick’s chest, and she couldn’t help it, but the tears started to flow. Carrick held her tight, stroking her back. He let her cry it out, leaving his chest wet with her tears, until she finally fell into an exhausted sleep.
CHAPTER 20
It had been five days since Carrick left and Ava still felt like bursting into tears every time she thought about him. Which was, oh, about a hundred times a day. Her only saving grace was the blood magic instruction she was taking from Heph. They had made significant headway and felt they would be able to deflect some of Ralina’s more nefarious spells, and possibly use some for an attack of their own.
What had been interesting was the use of the Conclave. Ava and Heph had interviewed each member of the Clairmont Conclave separately. They swore they played no part in Ralina’s scheme, but did admit to harboring secret information about blood magic. Some of the members refused to divulge any information but others offered up their help. Of course, any help that was offered was treated with suspicion and all information was checked and re-checked for accuracy.
By the end of the fifth day, Ava and Heph had accomplished a lot. They always knew that Ralina’s forces could not stand up to the Royal Armies in hand to hand or weaponry combat. Even her conjured demons like the Erchras, were fairly easy to dispatch by sword.
But Ralina had the edge with her dark magic spells. The most worrisome was the fire spell, which she had found named in Heph’s book as ignis victura. Ralina apparently called it Hell-Fire. When this spell was conjured with the blood of an innocent victim, it would never burn out until the intended target was demolished. Someone could pour an entire ocean on such a flame, but once the water ran out, the flame would still live until its job was complete.
Through Ava and Heph’s hard work, they completed a defensive spell that would diffuse the Hell-Fire and make it susceptible to ordinary means of extinguishment. Out in the midst of battle, that usually meant rolling around on the ground. At least now, with the troops given a blood protection amulet, if they were hit with the flame, they could attempt to extinguish it.
Ava insisted on making the protection amulets with her own blood. One piece of information the Conclave had offered was that Ava’s blood was stronger than any other because she was of the Royal Clairmont line. Matching up Ava’s willingly offered blood in defense of her people, against Ralina’s stolen, sacrificial blood, they should be evenly matched.
Finally, Ava and Heph were able to come up with several offensive spells using blood magic. Again, Ava insisted on creating them herself, only with her blood, so by the end of the fifth day, she was exhausted and had felt damn near drained of her life force. Heph sent her home with strict orders for her to rest the next day. He would handle passing down the knowledge and spells to the troop commanders, and oversee their training of the soldiers.
Apparently, whatever Carrick had been doing was working, because the troops from all of the Royal houses, including Sorin, were arriving by the thousands. There was no need to cloak Clairmont anymore, because Ralina couldn’t get close to it if she tried there were so many soldiers. As far as the eye could see, military tents dotted the fields and meadows around Clairmont.
Ava took Heph’s recommendation and headed home. She stopped by Sam’s house first to collect Bing. As always, she felt a stab of pain in her heart when she looked at Carrick’s house across the street, and remembered the moments they had shared inside.
Bing came running up to Ava as she walked down the street. She knelt down and gave him a big hug, holding on to him a little bit longer than normal. “Looks like you’re the main man in my life now buddy.”
Standing up, Ava saw Sam on his front step and gave him a cheerful wave. She felt anything but cheerful but she had to keep up appearances so as not to destroy morale. She’d had a fake smile plastered to her face all week and it was killing her. Now she could let it go, and wallow in her sadness until the morning came. Ava and Bing walked slowly to their home.
As Ava approached her cottage, her breath caught when she saw Carrick sitting on her front steps. His clothes were rumpled and he had dirt all over. He must have been training. He looked tired as he rested his arms on his knees, head hanging down slightly. He was clearly waiting for her to come home.
As she continued walking toward him, his head raised up to look at her. He ran his gaze up and down her body and then she saw a blaze of anger cross his face as he stood up. “What the hell happened to you?”
He stomped down from her steps and met her at the bottom.
“What do you mean?” Ava was clueless as to why he was so angry. Bing even let out a low
growl toward Carrick, clearly not happy with the menace in his voice.
“You look like death warmed over. Have you not even been taking care of yourself?”
That did it. After having sat in self-pity and sadness the last five days, all because of this man standing in front of her, the mere fact he would now come and chastise her was more than she could handle.
“You listen here Carrick Dunne,” Ava spat out while poking him in the chest with her forefinger. “You lost your right to be worried about my welfare when you broke things off with me. I am none of your fucking business anymore. But just so you can stay up to date on things, we have been working non-stop on the blood magic spells since you left and have made tremendous progress. I imagine I look like hell because I’ve been working my ass off.”
Ava walked around Carrick and started up her steps. She looked back at him. “Oh, and get the hell off my property and don’t come back.”
Ava and Bing went inside the house and she slammed the door behind them.
I guess I told him! Yes, Ava should feel a rush of power right about now for telling Carrick off. Yep. Should be feelin’ it at any moment now.
But instead, she felt the old sadness creep up. Her burst of anger was over and nothing good came out of it. Tired to the bone, Ava fed Bing and then lay on her bed without even taking off her clothes. She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
***
Carrick looked at the door that had been slammed in his face and knew he couldn’t blame Ava for her reaction. Fire had blazed in his gut as he had taken in her appearance. She was pale with bruised shadows under her eyes. She looked like she’d lost five pounds in the last week and he was wondering how he was the only one who had noticed how bad she looked.
Carrick took off toward Heph’s house. He would have answers.
Carrick huffed with frustration. He couldn’t be expected to command all of these forces if he was constantly worried about Ava. He needed to be able to trust someone to take care of her. Except…he really had no right to be worried anymore. Ava had clearly pointed that out. Well, fuck that. Just because I’m no good for her doesn’t mean I can’t worry.
Second Chance Page 19
