Lara has said that to her too. Connie makes a mental note. ‘Belly to belly, don’t you love that?’ she tries again, nudging the book back then changing her mind and slipping it into her jacket pocket.
Mel looks at her. The way she just filched his book, without asking, that princessy sense of entitlement. Connie looks down on him, of course; he’s her amusement, diversion, a bit of rough. An uneducated, working-class white boy: the most maligned and disadvantaged of the lot. From Stoke, a northern city that the steelworks and coalmines clothed triumphantly in a sooty black; the grime throughout his childhood settled on everything: windows, washing, his mother’s face, his father’s lungs. He went to a bog-standard comprehensive and didn’t even finish it; Connie went independent, a West Country boarding school, it’s in her voice and her grace. She followed it with a respectable second in English Lit and he’s not even sure what that means, has never got his head around the way unis work along with those secret codes of pronunciation – Cholmondeley, Cadogan, Magdalen, Fettes – that all of them seem to know about, shutting out the rest and he always has to ask, embarrassing himself. It infuriates him that in this country, still, your prospects in life are determined by birth; such a vicious, Third World form of inequality. It festers, just to think about it. What would Connie Carven know about the mystery of powerlessness? If you’ve not been raised in disadvantage how could you possibly understand?
‘Did you know that richer, thicker kids will always end up getting further ahead in these parts than brighter, poorer kids?’
‘Sorry?’
Connie shakes her head, scrabbling with where Mel’s coming from. Is it a slight … an insult … on her … Cliff? Surely not. She feels like a swimmer suddenly caught in a soft, insistent rip.
‘What are you saying?’
Mel sighs, says nothing more, it’s no use trying to explain to the likes of her what enrages him about this garden and its shareholders and their gilded offspring in their grey and red coats. He sees it, hears it all the time from those not a part of this oblivious set. What would she know of the poison of envy? He has a young stepdaughter and how it used to rile his wife – that her child was destined for the local primary, her life marked out from that point and it would take an extraordinary spirit in someone so young to haul themselves above it. Nowhere in Notting Hill can Mel see the bracing rigour of a meritocracy. The hugely expensive nursery nearby – where Connie’s son would surely be sent – is a feeder for Prince William’s old pre-prep which is a conveyor belt into feeders for Eton and Westminster which are well-worn paths to Oxbridge and the upper echelons of British politics. So. The shaping of the nation’s elite begins at three. Of course.
Does Connie get that? Could she possibly? That glittery prospects are bought? Does she notice it, care? He thinks not. UK politicians are being drawn from an increasingly narrow pool, of course, yet what would she care; right now the Prime Minister, his deputy and Chancellor all went to schools with fees substantially higher than Mel’s wage. The bruise of inequality enrages Mel, the stain on this world no matter how bright you are. Connie, poor lost soul that she is, would have no idea of the depth of the rage around her, the infuriating sense of impotence, and there’s no use trying to explain it.
She looks at Mel now, sitting in his armchair, so knotted all of a sudden, so sullen and uncommunicative. Her eyes narrow like a cat’s. She feels so very apart from him tonight, vexingly, like they’re standing on opposite river banks with a rush of water roaring between them and can’t hear each other, will never be able to hear each other. How can this possibly work? She stands, chest tight. This is ridiculous. The gulf too great. Leaves with scarcely a goodbye, the book still in her pocket.
Which Mel notes.
38
We do not know our own souls, let alone the souls of others. Human beings do not go hand in hand the whole stretch of the way. There is a virgin forest in each; a snowfield where even the print of birds’ feet is unknown. Here we go alone, and like it better so. Always to have sympathy, always to be accompanied, always to be understood would be intolerable
Shopping is Connie’s drug. She has to control its dosage and then the urge overtakes her and if she sees something she must have, but it is not in her size, she will rise magnificent and track it down with the thoroughness of a detective on the scent. The sweetness of a purchase, the vast sweetness; within the tumult of loveliness that is Notting Hill, Marylebone, Bond Street, Westfield Shepherd’s Bush. She’ll do High Street as much as high end, she’ll do anything. Her walk-in wardrobe brims, she forgets what she has and often ends up wearing the same favoured thing, day after day. No matter. Her appetite has her wolfishly prowling not just shops for fresh stock but websites. Interrupted by Cliff e-mailing obscene photos of women being penetrated by men with enormous cocks, often black, begging her teasingly for ‘play’, informing her it’s ‘what she really wants’, reeling her in. She looks, still looks, shuts her eyes on it.
Shopping, for Connie, is a deeply alone pursuit. She could not bear for anyone else to witness her greed, her thrill, her sharkish intent. Spying something she likes, she’ll often linger slow by something else, as if to gather herself, calm her heartbeat, for the thrill of the kill. Alone she will secrete the bags home, alone tumble the purchases upon her bed, alone dress up for another viewing then disperse into the cupboards and drawers, forget …
She always looks effortless. It takes hours to perfect.
Mel would be revolted, by all of it.
39
To love makes one solitary
Connie has not been into the garden for days and days and then with a rush she is there, in an afternoon of roaring light and air that is thinning with a coming summer; she can no longer hold herself back. She hears the catch of his pale breath as she comes upon him. Under her thin coat of red dots she is naked but for silken black panties, a wisp of them.
‘It’s too early …’ – he backs back – ‘people are about.’
‘I don’t care.’ She is flinging aside his shovel and hauling him into the shed, the neck of his T-shirt in her hungry fist. ‘I do. not. care. All right?’
‘All right.’ Laughing, giving in.
He is pleased to see her, so pleased, it is a deepening; this lively little sprig of jasmine is vining his life; taking over his calm, his thoughts, his retreat into solitude, his flinty remoteness. Quick, his hands break the band of her thong and push it aside, quick, his fingers slip into both holes, bringing Connie to pleasure with a sure touch, oiling her up until she collapses in on herself, again, and again, and again, and then he encircles her trembling and just holds, and holds, his hand protective over her secret places. A still quiet. No talk, of course, never that straight afterwards, he knows she does not want the crash of that, is learning her fast.
Her flinching quietens. ‘Thank you for coming back,’ he whispers finally, hoarse.
Connie just lies there, encircled by him, and the tears slowly run from her eyes. Crying, snotting, all phlegm and fluid; for she is loosened, completely, released. Mel does nothing, just wraps her in the encompassing peace of his body. All is still, humble, quiet. It is the stillness of a man found, as he holds her, he knows it. No matter how much he tries to resist.
The passion for him moves in Connie’s belly once again, she resists it as far as she can, must get back, Cliff is at home this evening, she can’t. But quick. She stirs him and he responds, his touch so much more competitive and creative than Cliff’s has ever been. There is no complacency, no taking for granted, he wants his stroking, licking, caressing, cherishing to be remembered. It’s as if he wants to wipe all her husband’s ways like a whiteboard freshened; to stamp her skin with the permanence of his own stroke. He flips her, wants something else. Her buttocks spread wide, a cool breath, a nudging, a trembling, a reticence, into her arse, gently, probing, so careful not to hurt.
‘Ow,’ she gasps, and he withdraws: ‘Another time.’
‘No, no, now.’
He is on her, moving – surely the thrusting of pale buttocks is a little ridiculous, Connie is thinking, how silly they must look, to anyone who came upon them – then a finger is in her vagina, the skin between the two passages is so thin, paper thin and so sensitively he works until her body takes over, surrenders to the exquisiteness and she comes; they both do, together. And fall back and laugh.
‘I’ve never done that before. Come, at the same time with someone. Ever.’
‘Most people haven’t.’
‘You know, more than a few women I know have never come.’
‘Really? Even now … in this day and age.’ Mel shakes his head.
‘Oh yes. Or they haven’t come until their late thirties or forties at least. Not that you men ever know these things.’
‘You came. I can tell. I always can.’
‘Yes.’ And for a while there she thought she’d never be able to again, in the thick of Cliff, without all the help. She smiles. There is only one word for how Connie feels now, in the sanctity of this quiet.
Anchored.
40
I want someone to sit beside after the day’s pursuit and all its anguish, after its listening, its waitings, and its suspicions. After quarrelling and reconciliation I need privacy – to be alone with you, to set this hubbub in order. For I am as neat as a cat in my habits
It is late, they cannot part; Cliff will be home now, they must. Connie feels the terrible weight of Mel and tries to extract herself, can’t; he is stroking her, cupping her between her legs, playful; the hair has almost grown back. ‘Ah my lovely, lovely – healthy – cunt of a thing.’
‘What!’ She bats him away, laughing. ‘That word. Excuse me. It’s appalling. I can’t believe you just said it. The only men who ever say it are men who don’t like women very much.’
‘Cunt cunt cunt,’ he is teasing, relishing it on the tongue. ‘I love saying it. All of it.’
‘Excuse me,’ Connie admonishes. ‘A woman is trained to distrust the man – and the circumstance – whenever we hear it. To castigate and protest.’
‘Cunt cunt, lovely cunt.’ Mel buries his head into her. ‘For me it’s entirely something else. It’s you, it’s this, it’s sex, it’s inside you, outside you, it’s the whole damned loveliness, the whole blinking lot. Let me … change … the word for you.’ He stops, thinks. ‘It’s a precious thing. Something to revel in, cherish. It’s not just fucking. Argh, I can do that with anyone and bollocks to it. But this, this, wakes me up. Hauls me into …’ He struggles for the word.
‘What?’
‘The world again. And I’d given up on it, until a little bird came into my life.’ Mel looks at Connie – ‘Yes’ – with his warm, kind, speaking eyes. She kisses him softly, rightly between them, in chuff. ‘It really has,’ he adds.
‘I know,’ she whispers, kissing his thick black lashes that still have something of the little boy in them, first one side, now the other, in rhythmic gentleness. ‘Do you care for me? Do you? Really?’
‘What do you think? I try my hardest to resist you – everything you represent – but can’t. Just … can’t.’
Mel’s hands curve firm over Connie’s body not with desire now but a cherishing, an ownership. A pleasure that all is well, and all is his, his, as if he can scarcely believe it. He kisses her with the lifetime’s tenderness in it and Connie marvels at that – when Cliff had not a scrap.
‘Thank you,’ Connie whispers, ‘thank you.’
The day is winding down and she runs home through air that is vibrant with stillness. What has happened, what has transpired on this day feels like an anointing, a hauling into womanhood, finally, a strong, rooted maturing into something else – or at least a journey’s departing. Connie runs home to the hull of her marriage, high and dry on its sand. The kiss with all the world’s tenderness singing through her still, giddying her up. The touch of his lips, like voice, something she will never forget. She just knows it.
41
With her foot on the threshold she waited a moment longer in a scene which was vanishing even as she looked, and then, as she moved … and left the room, it changed, it shaped itself differently; it had become, she knew, giving one last look at it over her shoulder, already the past
Connie’s heart like an oven, a furnace, just opened. The heat of it, the roar. She cannot slam it shut. Who can tell? Everyone? The blare of it.
She rushes in to the kitchen. Marichka is spoon-feeding Cliff ice cream, the last of it and Connie has no idea why but he is lapping it up. Some game they are playing. She comes upon them like an intrusion. It is a scene of collusion, tinged in early evening light, a sixteenth-century Dutch painting of domesticity, caring, quiet. Marichka looks up at her like, so, whatever works. Connie nods, yes, whatever works, keep on going, girl, keep at it. But there is something new in her stance, a freshness, a wildness, Marishka can sense it in the other woman. She slips away. Connie turns and watches her depart, wondering for a moment if she is listening by the door.
Steps forward. Takes a deep breath.
‘Clifford’ – she only calls her husband this when something serious is to be said – ‘would you like me to have a baby one day?’
From her husband: furtive apprehension. Trying to second-guess what comes next. To control, to win, command, as he always wins.
‘I wouldn’t mind,’ he says carefully. A pause. ‘As long as it made no difference between us.’
Connie cocks her head.
‘Yes. I could be quite willing, I suppose, as long as it doesn’t affect our marriage.’ He’s like a cornered dog, thinking aloud, trying to see ahead, work it through. ‘Affect what we have. Con.’ The voice lowering, warning. ‘Nothing must come between us. Why are you saying this? What’s going on?’ He is suddenly cold, brittle, as still as a hoary January frost. Connie recognizes it. It is a threat. Cliff crushes people, of course; that’s how he’s always succeeded, in his business and his life. Rivals, colleagues, friends, clients.
Leaving him – magnificent rupture – would humiliate him, of course, the anger would be encompassing and immense. Connie is inside the black oil of his mind now, inside his desire to infiltrate, dominate, swamp. She is all Cliff has. All he wants is for her to stay with him, in this, the husk of his life; be with him for ever, propping him up, his sexual regenerator and adornment. He needs the public show of that, the public theatre of his power over this aspect of his life. This man before her is almost an emotional cripple – and she does not know how she can extricate herself.
‘A child would seem just like my own, I guess. If it’s done right. Legally. Emotionally. People will ask. We’d keep things to ourselves, of course. I’d get everything watertight. Contracts and so forth.’ He’s talking it through, trying to make it work. Connie is listening, her heart breaking. He is willing to do this – something he categorically does not want – for their marriage. To keep up the pretence, to have her by his side, to preserve the past in aspic. He is taking over this too as he takes over everything and he doesn’t even realize it; his unbending way with control. No, it could never work. For her or a child, and Cliff doesn’t understand and most likely never would. Connie has wondered if he’d ever fall in love with Marichka – if the hired help could be her distraction, her saviour – but she’s a diversion, nothing more than that. She sees it now. He would never publicly be with her, he wouldn’t stoop. There’s no cachet in the hired help. As for Connie …
‘Come here,’ he commands. ‘Kiss me.’
As if he senses something new in his wife, something quite incomprehensible and he needs to sniff it out. Some straightness of the spine, a looseness, a stepping back.
‘Kiss me!’ he demands.
Connie hackles at the thought: the stumpy, joyless, wooden blocks of his mouth. He revolts her, with every hair of her body, she can’t do it, can’t explain it.
‘No, Cliff, not tonight.’
‘Why?’ Wounded.
‘I just don’t want to. I’
m tired.’
Connie turns, murmurs goodbye, cannot meet her husband’s eyes. Cannot tell him she is not coming near him because another man’s smell and his sperm is strong upon her, smeared lavishly and triumphantly across her stomach, breasts, thighs; and she is rank, filthy with it and cannot hurt him so much.
‘Con? Con!’ The voice bewildered suddenly, on the cusp of an understanding, as if Cliff has suddenly caught a glimpse of a future he has never contemplated.
She does not turn back. Mustn’t.
42
My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery – always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why? What’s this passion for?
A restless mongrel of a night, spatterings of rain like hard rice against the high windows. The wind wheening outside Connie’s room is as mournful as a distant aria and the trees from the garden below shake their leaves like the manes of recalcitrant ponies and wet leaves slick the glass. Connie will not bath, wants to keep the animal smell on her, of earth, of sex, of spit and air and grubbiness. She will not wash herself all night, for the sense of Mel’s flesh touching her, his very stickiness, is dear, replenishing, holy. She no longer wants padlocks and blindfolds, sophistication, theatre, clandestine texts, she just wants simplicity. The wonder of that. One man, who listens. Stillness. Spirituality. Quiet. Her cunt reeks, she wants wildness, wants to roll herself in it, wants a different soil, sky, land to this. Wordsworth journeyed back to Wales to listen to the language of his former heart; should she return to Cornwall? With Mel? Go somewhere else? Would he come? What to do, how to begin … what?
Connie’s mind is jumpy tonight with dreams and plans and connivances and plots as she contemplates a vast spring cleaning of her future, her entire life. Her gods now – the gods of change and rupture and the astonishing earth.
I Take You Page 8
