by Autumn Grey
She sighs and shuts her eyes for a few seconds. They flutter open again. There’s so much pain in them it hurts just to stare into their green depths.
“I run it now. Grandma Phoebe passed away a few years ago.”
My fingers itch to tuck those strands of hair behind her ear. Pull her to my chest. Comfort her.
Instead, I tighten my hold on the wheel. “I’m sorry.”
She stares into my eyes for a few seconds. I can see questions locked in there, fighting to break free. It’s a wonder she hasn’t exploded yet with whatever she’s holding inside her chest.
“Why didn’t you reply to my letters, Cole?” Her eyes are bright with tears. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to have anything to do with me. I’d probably have done the same thing if I were in your shoes. . .” She pauses and inhales deeply. “I wanted them to know you so badly.”
I try and fail miserably to think of a suitable excuse. “I’m sorry. I was wrong to ignore the letters.”
Her features soften immediately and she lifts her hands from her lap and signs, “I’m not blaming you. I just need to understand. Please make me understand.” She stops and rubs her eyes with the heel of her hand. “I got the private mail box address you were sharing with Simon from his mom. She also gave me your home address. I wrote you letters, hoping to get a reply from you. But I never received any letters. Josh flew to New York to search for you, but when he got to the address, the landlord informed him that you had moved houses.”
I drag my fingers through my hair, tugging it back in frustration. I can’t bring myself to tell her how much I hated her and Josh. How much I craved her smile, her touch every night, and then hated her all over again in the morning. I would rather she thinks I’m a jerk, but I can’t hurt her like that.
I rub my forehead, feeling drained. “Tell me what to expect when we get to your house. Please.”
She shakes her head and quickly wipes the tears on her cheeks. “They think Josh is their father. I’ve tried so many times to tell them the truth over the years, but with every passing month, year I didn’t hear from you, doubts filled me. What if you weren’t interested in being part of the girls’ lives? How could I explain that to Cora and Joce? Your mother thought it would be good for them to learn ASL. She always believed you’d come back. I continued to send the letters, batting away at the fears though. I knew you received them. I made sure I sent them through certified mail to make sure they got to you.
“Maybe I’m selfish for not telling the girls the truth. I wanted them to grow up in a home where they felt loved and wanted. I grew up wondering if my father loved me and my sisters, or if he was living in regret for having us. Oh, God. you will never know how sorry I am for the way things turned out.”
Silence falls between us.
I understand what she is saying. I know where she is coming from and I know the truth in her words. Her father was a sad excuse for a DNA donor.
Fuck. I can’t think right now. So much has happened, misunderstandings and missed opportunities, which could have been easily solved if I hadn’t been so stubborn.
I turn my focus on the road as I back out of the parking spot. Her fingers touch my forearm. Fire ignites where her small hand is pressed to my skin, spreading all over my body. Rekindling the dark places I’ve hidden away from myself. It’s distracting. It’s dangerous. And right now unwanted, even though everything in me screams in need. Wanting more. Wanting less.
I shake her hand off and send her a quick glare. “Don’t touch me.”
I see her shrink away from me from the corner of my eye.
I sigh, cursing myself for the harsh words. Her touch combined with the way she looked at me in the hospital and everything she said has me on edge. My body is coiled tight, and even an innocent touch from her can set me off. I don’t need any kind of distractions right now. I can’t afford to tangle myself up in emotions that will only end up hurting me. Us.
By the time I pull up in front of the house, Nor has already dozed off in her seat. I study her face, so peaceful and carefree in sleep. Her mouth is parted and her eyes flicker behind the lids. A small frown appears on her head. Her lips move quickly, then stop before she settles back into sleep.
I shake my head to get rid of those stupid feelings balled up in my chest and focus my gaze on the two-story house. Clenching my hands around the wheel, I inhale deeply to calm my fucking heart. I’m about to meet my daughters, who don’t know that I’m their father. SHIT. I understand Nor’s point of view, but it still hurts like a motherfucker. I wish the girls and I were meeting under different circumstances.
I get out of the truck. After scooping her up from the seat, I adjust her in my arms, kick the door shut and stride up the little path that leads to the house. Every step, bringing me closer to my daughters. The door flies open all of a sudden. Nor’s sister, Elise ducks her head out, eyes wide when she sees me, followed by a huge grin. She pushes the pink dyed strands of hair away from her face.
Good to know she hasn’t lost her sunny disposition. Nor will definitely need her sister if. . .when Josh leaves us.
“Oh my gosh. Cole! When did you arrive?” Her entire body radiates joy. That smile disappears when she sees her sister in my arms. “Is she okay?”
I glance at Nor. “She’s fucking exhausted. She needs to lie down for a few hours.”
Elise ushers me in. I follow her upstairs and down a hallway with polished wooden floors and walls painted in a soft pink, completely different from the floral wallpapered walls her grandmother had when I last visited this house. We enter a room, which I assume is Nor’s. A double bed sits in the middle of it and I stride forward and carefully lay Nor on top of the bed. I slip her shoes off, reach for the folded blanket at the foot of the bed and cover her petite frame.
Standing inside this room, knowing that Josh and Nor spent their time in here, Josh touching her, Nor groaning in pleasure, tears me apart. I startle when Elise touches my shoulder, then she’s pulling me into a hug.
“It’s so good to see you Cole.”
I smile at her as we walk out of the room. “Same here.” We head back downstairs and into the kitchen where my steps falter and my heart literally stops beating at the sight in front of me. The lump in my throat is growing bigger by the second.
Joce and Cora.
My daughters.
I inhale deeply, that action kick starting my heart and it beats fast. So fast I feel like I’m losing my breath.
The picture in my pocket didn’t do them justice.
Elise once again touches my arm, her eyes full of understanding, and it makes me feel that she somehow knows what’s running through my head. She stares into my eyes as if to warn me or pass on an important message. “Girls, I’d like you to meet Cole.”
The girls stop whatever they’re doing and look up, and then walk towards us, their eyes all sorts of curious.
“I know who he is. Uncle Cole,” one of the girls signs, grinning wide. “Mom and Dad talked so much about you but they never said you’d be so tall.”
In that second, I die a million deaths. My fucking heart crashes to my feet, shattering into a million worthless pieces.
Uncle Cole.
I flex my hands at my sides as regret threatens to choke me. I ignored all those letters Nor sent me because of my stupid pride and rage. Then anger fills my veins. How could I have known we had kids together? I don’t even know where to find my balance on this issue.
Seeing them with my own eyes, it hits me all over again how identical and pretty they are; their waist length red hair, bright gray eyes, all the way down to the cute dimples on the right side of their cheeks.
“That’s Jocelyn over there.” Elise touches her hand on the shoulder of the girl clutching a copy of Charlotte’s Web close to her chest. “And that’s Cora.” She gestures at the hyper girl, who is hopping on her feet, hardly containing her excitement.
I dart a glance between them and see the subtle difference. Joce i
s slightly taller than Cora. I sigh, relieved that I’m able to tell the difference between my daughters.
Jocelyn shakes my hand and signs, “Mom and Dad call me Joce, so you can call me that too. It’s great to meet you Uncle Cole.”
“It’s very nice to meet you, Joce,” I tell her. Her lips lift into a small smile, then she shuffles toward the couch and sits down primly. Then Cora throws herself at me with her entire weight, hugging my waist. And in that moment, every negative emotion fades. I’m filled with wonder and awe and love as I hold my daughter.
Elise turns to me and says, “The girls are amazing at signing.”
I nod, completely floored. My family thought about me even though I’d turned my back on them. “They are so good at it. It’s amazing.”
After the introductions are over, I step back and Elise says something to Joce and Cora. They nod solemnly in return. She tells me that she asked them not to disturb Nor.
Cora grabs my hand all of a sudden and pulls me toward the living room, where a small desk stands next to the floor-to-ceiling windows. Dropping my hand, she opens the first drawer and pulls out a sketchbook and starts flipping through the pages.
She pauses and peers up at me. “Mama praises you a lot. She says you can draw like a wizard. I told her I want to be like you when I grow up.” She points at the sketch of a butterfly so similar to the one I drew a long time ago and gave to Nor on her seventeenth birthday.
Cora’s drawings are really good. Probably much better than mine were when I was her age.
“I asked her if I could keep it,” she says shyly, her ears and cheeks turning pink. “I hope I will be as good as you one day.”
“Can I see that?”
She nods. I bend down, our heads almost touching and flip through her book.
My fascination soon turns into something else. Gone is the uncertainty I felt before, replaced by admiration and pride, and a certain feeling of connection to this lovely girl who is staring at me as if I hung the moon in the sky. I raise my head and look around the room as a feeling close to kinship flows through me. Joce is still sitting with her hands folded in her lap on the couch, her gaze intense, studying me. And once again, those gray eyes leave me breathless. My heart is attaching itself to Cora and Joce. Fast.
A HAND TAPS ME SOFTLY ON my shoulder. I raise my head and meet Elise’s gaze. Gone is the smile, replaced by a grim look. Her face is pale and her bottom lip quivers slightly.
That look on her face sends chills through my blood. “Are you okay?”
She shakes her head, her gaze darting between Cora and Joce, then mouths, “We need to talk.” I follow her as she heads for the kitchen. “Your mom called. It’s Josh. He’s taken a turn for the worse. His body is shutting down faster than the doctors anticipated.” Tears fill her eyes and roll down her cheeks. “He was asking for you.”
Fuck. “I need to get to the hospital. Now.”
She nods quickly, and spares a glance over my shoulder toward the twins. “I’ll wake Nor. I can’t tell them—” She stops and swipes her palm on her cheeks.
“I’ll wait down here,” I tell her.
I start to pace, my hands clenched into fists on my side. I hope we get to the hospital on time. I notice Cora waving to catch my attention from the corner of my eye. I stop and face her.
“Is everything okay?” she signs. I glance at Joce, sitting stiffly on the couch her entire focus on me.
What the hell do I tell them? I have no idea how much they know about Josh’s condition or what Nor told them. How do I tell them that the father they have known all their lives is dying? How do I break my daughters’ hearts without destroying mine?
Taking a deep breath, I walk to the couch and gesture for Cora to join us.
I clear my throat and then reach out and take each of their hands in mine. They don’t pull away so I figure they are okay with the contact.
“Do you know why your daddy is in the hospital?” I glance at their faces to gauge their reaction.
Joce nods solemnly. “Mama says he is very sick.”
I look at Cora. Gone is the bouncy girl I met half an hour ago. Her eyes fill with tears and her bottom lip quivers as she nods.
I feel my eyes burn with suppressed tears, imagining they have lived with this knowledge for a while now.
“Grandma Maggie called. Your daddy wants to see us. All of us.”
Their tiny faces brighten immediately and I have no idea how to tell them that Josh might be asking to see us for the last time. I just can’t do it.
Unable to hold back any longer, I slip both of my arms around their waists and hug them. “I think you two are the bravest girls I’ve ever met. Keep your heads up and keep on moving,” I tell them when we pull apart.
“Daddy always says that,” Cora says, wiping her cheeks. Her gaze moves over my shoulder. “Aunt Elise, Uncle Cole says daddy wants to see us.”
I shift my body to face Elise and I see Nor trailing behind her sister, the shadows around her eyes look darker.
“Yes, he does,” Elise signs, shooting me a grateful look. “Come on, little darlings.”
I drop my hands and the girls dash toward Nor. Her face transforms from worry to delight as she smooths the girls’ hair and then kisses their foreheads. She looks my way from over the top of our daughters’ heads, nodding subtly before turning and herding them out the door. Dragging my fingers through my hair, I stand up and follow, my feet heavy with trepidation.
We finally arrive at the hospital and rush to the waiting area where Mom, Dad and Nick are seated, focused on Dr. Heinemann as he speaks. Megs stands beside him, her hands shoved inside the pockets of her blue scrubs. Mom seems to have aged since I last saw her this morning. She’s holding Dad’s hand tightly. I don’t realize I’ve been staring in their direction for a long time until Mom stands up and walks toward me.
“I forgot to ask for your number. Josh was asking for you. Even weak with pain and drowsy from the medication they gave him, he kept murmuring your name over and over.”
I swallow hard and nod.
The doctor walks toward us and Mom stops talking, and faces the doctor with a hopeful look on her face. It breaks my heart to see her like this. Dr Heinemann looks grim, his lips drawn in a thin line. He starts to speak and I have to watch his lips intently so I don’t miss a word.
“He wants to see all of you but insists to speak to his brother first and then his wife and children.” He glances at me. “In normal occasions, we advise no more than two visitors at a time. But in this case, we’ll make an exception.”
I trail after the doctor, shoving my clammy hands into the pockets of my pants. We stop outside Josh’s room, and after the doctor advises me to keep the conversation between me and my brother light, he walks away.
Light? Is he kidding?
Shaking my head, I push the door open. The atmosphere has shifted since I was here earlier today. It’s heavier, as if death is hovering just around the corner, waiting to snatch him up at any time.
FIVE CRACKS. THERE ARE FIVE cracks on the ceiling. I could close my eyes and tell you exactly where they are positioned.
I’ve been lying in this bed for far too long. My only source of entertainment —when the pain becomes unbearable, when regret comes flooding in—is to focus on those cracks.
The nurse gave me a shot of pain medication before she left. My body feels lethargic. Painless. It’s finally giving up, though. I’ve been holding on for too long, waiting for Cole. Now, I can finally let go. I never knew a person could put death on hold by sheer will, but I think I succeeded in doing that. Or God somehow answered my prayers.
Whichever.
I’m grateful my parents and Nor contacted him when they did. I wanted to be the one to tell him I was dying. I wanted to talk to him before I left this world. Ask him to give Nor the benefit of the doubt. I never set out to hurt Cole. I never contemplated marrying Nor, until the day I stepped through the front door of her house and saw her father’s fu
rious face so full of vengeance.
Yes. I wanted her the moment she moved in next door. I was twenty-one and a savvy flirt. I’d lie in bed at night and think about the girl with innocent green eyes, a dimple and a constant look of pain in her stare. Just looking into her eyes, I knew. The scars on her body proved it. I knew she’d had a difficult past. I wanted to protect her. Wipe away the bad and give her a clean slate.
I never did though. She already belonged to someone else.
My brother.
Nor was Cole’s from the second he laid eyes on her. The connection was powerful. Every time she walked into a room, or Cole’s gaze was on her, his face would soften and his lips pulled into a smile. Every time Cole looked at Nor, she’d bloom under his stare.
I’d never seen my brother’s attention claimed by a girl the way it was by Nor. His life had drastically changed when he became sick, leading to his hearing loss. He’d always been so serious, his nose constantly buried in books, or drawing. Then Nor dropped into our lives. And everything changed.
What Nor and I did to him is unforgiveable. I’m not sure we had a choice in the matter though. Sometimes we make the hardest of choices, hoping that one day we will be granted forgiveness. As much as I’d like to put my mind to rest, tell him what happened on the day he came home from prison, I can’t. Nor insists it’s her cross to bear. She blames herself for landing him in prison in the first place. I promised her I’d keep my mouth shut.
I have one more chance to convince him not to give up on her. He still owns her heart, even though he doesn’t know it.
The door silently opens and Cole steps inside, his gaze finding mine. He slips his beanie off his head, shoves his hands inside his pockets and walks toward me.
I sigh and settle back into my pillows.
He has to listen to me. If he doesn’t, I’ll just have to use the dying card. Cruel, I know. But what choice do I have if he doesn’t cooperate?
JOSH LOWERS HIS EYES FROM the ceiling when I walk in. His fingers are intertwined on his stomach, the thumbs twitching every so often.
