by Amanda Heath
If I didn’t know him and how he is at my house, I would say he’s ashamed of me. But I also notice that public attention makes me nervous. He seriously doesn’t like people staring at him. Even small things like Royal yelling his name in the hallway. I’ll look at Channing and there will be anger and fear in his eyes and his whole body will be tense. So I don’t push him for things outside of my house. Because I know he doesn’t have a problem touching me in front of his best friend. I’ll take what I can get.
I shake my head from the thoughts of Channing and make my way up to the main house. I walk in without knocking and head up the stairs to BeeBee’s room. My little sister is with her nanny and playing happily in the floor.
I play with her for a long time. Literally most of the day. I even end up taking a nap with her, but with me on the floor of course. I’ve missed her that much. I don’t mean to fall asleep but I’ve been so freaking tired the past two days. BeeBee has no problem waking me up and making me play some more.
By the time I leave, I have an hour to get ready for dinner with Gram tonight. She says she would love to get to know me, but she isn’t going to force herself on me. She knows that I want to stay here with my little sister. She did demand I come for dinner every Sunday night. Which is fine with me because I want to get to know her, too. I also want to learn more about my father. And be close to Channing.
Ugh, I’m turning into one of those girls who thinks about her boyfriend all day, everyday. Maybe we should cool off for a while. I know I’ll end up having sex with him and it will be even worse than it is now. I don’t think I could handle that.
“Paisley?” my grandma hollers from the library. I groan on the inside.
I make my way to inside the room and find her sitting on a lounge chair, reading. Her auburn and grey hair is pulled up into a bun. She’s wearing a simple grey sweater and blue jeans. “Yeah?” I ask.
“So lovely to see you. I’ve been wondering where you’ve been. It’s been a week since you’ve come to see me.” She says it all nicely and with a pleasant tone to her voice, but I can see she is anything but pleasant. There’s anger in her eyes and in her posture.
I’m not going to be playing any games here. “Yeah, I know. I’ve been avoiding you,” I tell her just as nicely and pleasantly.
She blinks several times, almost as if she can’t believe I talked back to her. “Excuse me?” she says with a shaky laugh.
I start to stroll around the room, trailing my hand along the books on the wall. “I had an expected visitor last Sunday.” I stop and look at her. She’s gone a little pale. “Yeah, Gram filled me in on some things. Some things I had been lied to about. So instead of getting into an argument about it, I just simply avoided you. It’s not like you really tried to make me stop. You know where I live and you know what times I’m home.” I stare at her the whole time and watch her turn even more pale. There is more here, more than her just lying about Gram. She’s hiding something else.
All of a sudden the color returns to her cheeks. “Well that’s wonderful dear, that you met you other Grandmother.” She says it cheerfully and I just stare. Really?
“That’s it? No explanation on why you lied?” I stutter out. I have seriously moved to the twilight zone.
“I lied because I was hurt. I was hurt over the loss of my child and I just wanted someone to blame. Margret never did anything wrong.” She pauses, taking a huge breath. “I guess I also didn’t want you to have anything to do with her. I should have known she would come over here anyone. Even though she isn’t allowed on my property.”
“So you lied to me because you were hurting? Grandma that is no excuse.” Wow, why do I sound like the adult here? “I guess I understand the hurting. Mom was your daughter, but you hadn’t seen her in sixteen years. You don’t know what she was like. Her own daughter didn’t even mourn her loss. That woman never loved me. She treated me like shit because my father didn’t leave her any money. You know how sick that is?” I say.
“Yes, Paisley. Your mother wasn’t right in the way she treated you, but she was still my little girl. I had every right to hurt,” she tells me, folding her hand in her lap tightly.
I just roll my eyes. We are going to sit here and talk in circles. I have to get out of here. “Look Grandma, I get you were hurt. I’m not saying you didn’t have a right to be. I just don’t understand it. Lying about Gram didn’t get you anywhere. I’m still going to see her and get to know her.”
She blanches. “You can’t! That woman will only brainwash you. She’s vile and manipulative,” she screeches, showing some of her true colors.
I slowly move backwards, away from her. My breathing is heavy and my heart is beating way too fast. I just saw bits of my mother in this woman. I know they are mother and daughter but I thought Grandma was different. I’m starting to think the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. “You can’t really stop me. I’m biologically related to her. And I don’t really know what you mean by brain washing. She’s never said a bad word about you. She even felt sorry for you when I explained you lied. She knew you were hurting.”
She gets up from her lounge chair and stalks towards me. I move back until I’m standing in the open doorway, ready to bolt. “Margret Southerland doesn’t feel sorry for anyone. Don’t you let that woman fill your head with nonsense. Don’t listen to anything she says about me. And if you want to see your sister again, I wouldn’t stay over there very long.”
“MIRANDA! That is enough!” Papaw bellows from the top of the stairs.
I startle at his voice and whip around to see him. His fists are clenches by his sides and his entire face is red. “Henry, did you know what that woman said about me?” Grandma shouts back.
Papaw just looks at her. “She didn’t say a bad word against you, Miranda. You’re making things up in your head,” he tells her finally walking over to us. “Paisley, why don’t you go ahead and get ready for your dinner. I can finish here, sweetie.”
I nod and hurry away. I don’t even stand at he bottom of the stairs so I can eavesdrop. I don’t want to listen to her craziness anymore. If they didn’t have custody of BeeBee, I would be gone. I turn eighteen in three months. But I’ll have to stick around for sixteen more. I won’t leave my sister here with that crazy person.
Now I’m starting to wonder if I’ll end up crazy like them.
Chapter 24
DINNER GOES SMOOTHLY at Gram’s. Channing sits next to me but we don’t really talk to each other. Richard and Gram take up all my words, wanting to know things about me. I answer with honestly and happiness. While I’ve been spending time with my other grandparents, the only ones there that seem to want to know me are Brody and Kellan.
I don’t tell Gram about the stuff with Grandma. I don’t want her upset about it, and I don’t want to admit that I think my Grandma is crazy. Or just as selfish and immature as my mother was.
After dinner Channing and I are excused because Uncle Richard agreed to meet friends for drinks and Gram doesn’t want to miss her shows. Channing told me on the way to his room that she is obsessed with The Walking Dead. Who would have thought she liked zombies?
Channing holds my hand on the way to his room, and I love the way it feels. His palm is dry and slightly calloused. The warmth chases the chill that settled into me after the confrontation with Grandma.
Channing stops at a door on the second floor at the end of a hallway. I’m totally lost and glad that I get to live in the smaller guesthouse. I think it took me days to remember where BeeBee’s room is located.
He opens the door and I walk in waiting to find what makes Channing, Channing. The walls are a deep blue and help calm me. His bed is huge, and I can’t help but wonder why Gram and Richard let him have a bed that big. The comforter is a lighter blue, almost the color of his eyes. The bed is made, which isn’t surprising because Channing is a tidy person. Not something you see everyday with a teenage boy.
There are a few posters on the walls, but they aren
’t movies or bands. They are book covers. And they are all Stephen King. “You weren’t kidding about Stephen King, were you?” I ask softly, taking in the dark wood chest of drawers and computer desk. There are also matching nightstands on either side of his huge bed.
“No. I have all his books,” he mumbles, looking at my face. I smile at him, knowing he’s nervous.
“I like your room. A lot.” I squeeze his hand, which is still in mine.
He grins wide and tugs on my hand until I’m in his arms. “That makes me incredibly happy,” he states, his forehead on mine. “Want to try out the bed?”
I laugh and give him a gentle kiss. “I’m not having sex with you tonight,” I tell him breaking away from his arms before he makes me stay. I cross over to the nightstand to see the picture there. I about drop it when I look. There I am, in my school uniform but I’m getting out of my car. I’m smiling and waving, at who I’m not sure. I look amazing. My auburn hair is shining in the sun and my green eyes pop. “When did you get this?”
He clears his throat and I look up at him. His cheeks are a little red and I have to swallow back a laugh. “A few days ago. Royal took it though.”
“Why did Royal take it?” I ask, setting the picture back down.
“Because I asked him to,” he mutters looking away.
I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of me. “That’s really sweet, Channing. Who knew you had that in you?” I tell him.
His eyes get really serious and he’s stalking towards me before I know it. His hands go into my hair and he looks down into my eyes. I place my hands at his hips, holding on. “You don’t know how bad I want to be inside you,” he whispers, his lips barely moving.
I gasp and try to take a step back. “Can we not discuss this right now?”
“I’m not trying to have sex with you, Paisley. I know you think you’re not ready. I’m not that guy who pushes his girlfriend to fuck. You’ll come around before long.” He bends a little and his nose runs along my cheek. “The tension is going to be too much before long. As it is, I’m going to have to stop touching you.”
I’m only focused on one word. “Did you just call me your girlfriend?”
He laughs pulling his face back up. “Yes Paisley. You’re my fucking girlfriend. Get used to it. You’ll have that title until I put a ring on your finger.”
Oh. My. God.
I swallow hard. I was not expecting him to say that. I can’t believe he just said that! “Um…I have to go,” I mumble, breaking away from him and heading for the door.
I get it partially open before he slams it shut. Then he pushes me against it with his torso. I can feel his breath on my neck. “I’m not saying that is going to be anytime soon, baby. Calm down. I just meant that I don’t ever see myself with anyone else. I’m pretty sure I figured that out when I first saw you.”
I want to cry because the emotions are making me nuts. It’s all too much and now I can’t breathe. “We’ve been together for a week,” I stammer out.
“I know. There are things you just know. Things you just feel. I have no control over it and neither do you. I want to be with you that long. I don’t ever want to see you walk away from me.” His hand rubs and down my side, eliciting shivers. I want to rest against his chest but something inside of me is stopping it.
“I have to go Channing,” I say, tears threatening in my voice.
He doesn’t say anything else and backs away. Then I do something that I know I’ll regret.
I walk away from Channing Southerland.
***
Remember way back when, when I said I don’t handle things when I should? I haven’t been handling things period. I thought I was, but I’m not. Tears bubble out of my eyes before I’m even out of his house. They stream down my face as I run for my car. I feel like something is chasing me, but I know there’s nothing there. Channing would never chase me. Not for this.
It’s hard to see on my way home, but I make it there. I stumble around until I get to the front door of the guesthouse. Maggie is sitting there waiting to go inside. I let her in and before I know it I’m curled up in my bed, Maggie’s heat surrounding me.
I don’t know how long I cry. Maybe hours, maybe minutes. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. It’s hard to know what will freak me out. Make me lose control over my emotions.
The funny thing is, I’m pretty sure I’m upset about Channing, but I want him here. I want him to hold me and make it go away. I want him to fix me. Make me into a normal person. Normal girls and women want to hear their boyfriend say they want to be together forever. But it’s the one thing that sent me screaming from the room.
Then I get it. I don’t know him. Well, I know the way he moves and how he’ll react to something, but I don’t know his past. I don’t know much about his mother and what she did to him. I don’t know the name of his father or where that guy even is. I don’t know how he feels about other people. We all know how he feels about me, but he doesn’t talk about any of it. I find I want to know how he could let his sister go like he did. I want to know why he puts up with Pierce’s crap, when he could easily fix it.
I talk. I tell him things; hell, I think I pretty much tell him everything. But I’m starting to realize it’s one sided. He doesn’t give me what I give him.
I let him sleep in my bed. I let him touch me in places that no one else has. I tell him how I feel and what I want. I even cook that douche canoe dinner.
But he can’t even hold my hand in public. He can’t talk about his past; let me know things no one else knows. Yeah, he’s sweet and takes care of me, but I need more than that. I need this relationship to be two sided. Held together by both of us.
Him telling me he wants me forever made me realize that maybe he’s playing me. Telling me what I want to hear so he’ll get in my pants. I’m really happy I haven’t slept with him since that night on my car.
This is freaking frustrating. I don’t even know if I have a right to be mad, because it’s not like he’s truly been trying to sleep with me. When we fool around he never takes it too far. If I tell him to slow down, he does. If I tell him not there, he doesn’t go there.
My phone goes off in my pocket and I pull it out. Of course it’s from Channing.
I’m giving you 20 more minutes before I come over there. Then you’re going to talk to me.
I roll my eyes. Being bossy as ever. I don’t respond and throw the stupid phone on the floor. I get up and turn off all the lights and lock the front door and the back door. Then, just to be safe I lock my bedroom door. The only person with a key to it is me.
And exactly twenty minutes from his text message, Channing is knocking on my front door. Then he’s calling my phone. I ignore him. I’m not doing this with him tonight. I’m starting to feel really sick.
My head is banging and it takes me five minutes to realize it’s a fever and not Channing banging on the door. I groan before falling to the floor. Maggie starts barking and scratching at the bedroom door. I tell her to hush, but she doesn’t.
Having enough of that, I give up and go to the front door. He can yell and stuff all he wants too. And he can do it while I’m curled under the blankets.
When I open the door, his face is angry. It’s etched into every inch of his gorgeous face. It makes him look fierce and like someone you wouldn’t want to fuck with. “Jesus, Paisley, I’ve been out here for thirty fucking minutes!” he bellows, making me flinch.
I try to clear my head but it’s so foggy. My entire body aches and it’s hard for me to stand up. I try to tell him this but I can’t get the words around my dry throat. When Channing’s cool hand reaches my face I moan. That feels so amazing against my hot skin. “Baby!?” he screams it like he’s been calling my name for a little bit.
He scoops me up and carries me into the bedroom and lays me gently down on the bed. He starts taking my clothes off but I protest. “I’m not having sex with you,” I say.
He laughs, but it’s straine
d. “Baby, I wouldn’t try to have sex with you right now even if I was that kind of guy.” That sounds really insulting so I tell him that. “You’ve got the flu, Paisley. It would be really rude to try and have sex with you right now.”
Oh.
“You’re so sweet when you want to be,” I tell him. I mean for that to be it, but my feverish brain has other ideas. “Then other times you’re really bossy. And you don’t tell me things, like I tell you things. I want to know you Channing. The way you know me. I think our relationship isn’t balanced right.”
He appears over me, his face sad. “Baby girl, you were never more wrong. You hold my heart in the palm of hands.”
Confused, I look down but I don’t see anything in my hands. So I lift them up to his face. “Here take it back. I don’t want to drop it.”
This makes him chuckle. “I don’t want it back. It’s yours Paisley. Always will be.” He leans over and kisses my forehead. “And when you’re all better, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”
“Okay. That sounds good,” I mumble, the fever finally forcing me to sleep.
Chapter 25
AT THIS POINT, I don’t know who got whom sick. I’m pretty sure it was me who got Channing sick, since I went down first. After I woke up the next day, I found Channing feverish and incoherent. Which would have been funny if my head didn’t feel like someone was hammering nails into my forehead.
The two of us spent three days sick as dogs. This is how everyone found out about us. The two people who actually knew were Royal and Carly. Rachel called me the second day, being all-dramatic since I didn’t tell her. I finally just hung up on her. I couldn’t take her outside voice anymore.
Grandma found us together the second day also. The school called to ask where I was since this was the second day I missed. Don’t you love how it took her a whole day to come check on me? And she only did that because the school called. She didn’t look too happy about Channing in my bed, but since he was so sick, she didn’t make him leave.
