“No,” she said abruptly.
“No?”
“I’m glad I’m far from them.” There was an edge to her words that drew his attention.
“You…you are?”
“I didn't—I mean my sister didn’t tell you, but we didn’t come from a good home.”
“Oh,” he said with realization. He narrowed his gaze at her, seeing her in a new light.
“Suffice it to say, it is good that we both…well that,” her words halted and she looked away, composing herself. “It’s better. Here, that is.”
It was hard to believe that being thousands of miles away from home after the loss of a family member could be better anywhere, but that only showed how terrible their home life must have been.
“Why didn’t she tell me?” He hadn’t meant to ask the question out loud, but it was too late.
“I—she probably didn’t want to burden you.”
As if confiding in him would be a burden. “I see.”
“Please,” she said, stopping abruptly, “Don’t think badly of her. Our home life was not easy and we wanted—no, needed—to get away from there more than you know. She was probably afraid you would think that reflected on her.” Millie’s voice dropped and she looked down at her hands where she twisted a blade of grass back and forth.
“I wouldn’t have thought badly of her—or you. We can’t help what type of family we are born into. Besides, I could tell from her letters what type of person she was.” He felt his fondness for the woman growing.
They walked on in silence for a few more minutes before they reached the river. He indicated a log and they both sat, staring off into the bubbling water.
“I’m not sure what to do,” he blurted.
She turned to look at him. “Do?”
He almost said ‘with you’ but held back.
In the midst of searching for the right words she said, “I won’t go back. Maybe I can find work in town and stay with Peter and Anne…or something…but I—I can’t go back.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to.”
Then her eyes lit up in a rare moment of animation. “What about Josie? Could I watch her for you?”
He hadn’t even considered this option, though when she said it he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t. It wasn’t as good of an option as a wife, but it did settle some of his issues while allowing them time to get to know one another.
He halted those thoughts. He wouldn't get too far ahead of himself. He didn’t know much about the woman next to her, only that she had been the sister of the woman he’d grown to appreciate—if not care for—through her letters.
“Would you really do that?”
“Yes,” she said, dropping her gaze. “She’s a sweet child. And it would allow us time to…um, time for you to work on the ranch.”
He was startled. “How did you know—oh, did Morgan share what I did with you?”
She blushed and looked toward the river. “Um, uh, yes. She did.”
“Then it’s settled,” he said, sounding more certain than he actually was. It was only a temporary fix and they would have to rest on Peter and Anne’s hospitality, but it would work. For now.
***
They walked back toward the house to ask Anne and Peter about the possibility of Millie staying with them, but her thoughts were too skewed to be focused on any worry if they weren’t all right with her staying.
She’d messed up again and said something she shouldn’t know about Lloyd. She would have to hope that he understood that sisters shared things, but if she kept slipping up like this he would find out—
Her stomach clenched in knots. He should know already. But the thought of telling him made her hands sweat and her knees weak. She was just getting to know him, the man she’d grown to care for through their letters, and she couldn’t bear to tell him that she and her sister had planned to trick him. It was so cruel when it was said that way—but how else could she say it? It was the truth, even if she was ashamed of it.
Wouldn’t it be better to have everything out in the open though? They were close to the parish house but still a little ways off when she stopped him.
“Lloyd,” she said, unsure of how to form the words. “I—” She dropped her gaze. It would be easier to tell him the truth if she wasn’t looking at him.
“Millie, I know this may be hard for you to accept, but I wanted to say that I do understand how you feel right now. Maybe not exactly, but after losing Nell…” he paused and she looked up to see him staring off into the distance. “I’m sorry, that was my wife.”
She wanted to say she knew but that again would prove that she knew things she didn’t. She had to tell him.
“I—”
“No, wait,” he said, looking back down at her. “I’m sorry we’re even in this position. I know it’s not easy losing someone and to be so far from anything that’s familiar has to be difficult. I want you to know that I understand you needing to take your time to heal. I’m here if you need to…to talk about anything.”
Tears welled in her eyes and she nodded, unable to speak. He was so kind, even kinder than she’d have guessed from his letters. It made her deception all the worse. He deserved the truth but she didn’t want the separation it would cause them.
As she opened her mouth to tell him, to set the guilt free, a voice carried out through the warm air.
“Are you coming back to the house? I’ve got fresh muffins!” Anne called out.
Millie closed her mouth, the moment shattered.
“Were you going to say something?” Lloyd asked.
He gave her the perfect opportunity but the words remained lodged in her throat. Instead she shook her head no and they set off for the house. She would tell him, just not today—not yet.
Chapter 5
Lloyd felt the wind in his face, the scent of sweet grass assaulting his senses. It was a beautify day and, for the first time in a long time, he felt peace. It had been three weeks since Millie had arrived in town and their arrangement with her watching Josie had worked out better than he’d hoped. He’d even gotten to spend some time with her when he’d come to pick up his daughter.
Their conversations had ranged from the depth of hurt they both felt over their losses but also lighthearted topics. In fact, he was continually amazed at how much like Morgan she was—almost as if she had been the one writing letters to him. Her humor was the same and she liked the same things. Then again, weren’t sisters alike a lot of the time?
He turned his attention on the cattle in the field in front of him. They would need to be herded to the far grazing lands soon, but that meant he’d be gone for a week. He felt he could trust Millie completely, but he didn’t want to impinge on her freedom. Was he taking advantage of her?
He felt the guilt like a sharp piercing sensation to his stomach. If she felt that he only thought of her as someone to watch Josie then—
He paused. Wasn’t that exactly what she was? At least, that's the way he was treating her. That thought made him sick.
He didn’t want that to be the case and that realization was more frightening than he’d imagined. He had feelings for her. Even after her sister had died and his wife’s loss was still fresh despite the fact it had almost been a year, he was forming feelings for the sweet woman who watched so lovingly over his daughter.
The sound of pounding hoof beats drew his attention away from the cows and back toward the ranch house. A rider was galloping up toward him. Was something wrong?
Dust went flying as the man skidded to a stop; his breathing coming in fast exhales.
“What’s wrong?” Lloyd asked, knowing that this type of rush wasn’t normal.
“Your daughter,” the man panted, “She’s real sick.”
His pulse hammered in response. “What? Where?”
“Parish house—or so they told me. Said I had to come get you fast.”
Lloyds mind ran in a thousand different directions. Josie was sick. Millie was with her but
he needed to be there. The cattle….they would have to wait.
“Thanks. Tell the boss I’m going—don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“He already knows,” the ranch hand said, “Told me to tell you to take all the time you need.”
“Thanks,” Lloyd said distractedly.
“Go!” the hand said, startling Lloyd out of his thoughts.
Without another word he kicked his horse and galloped in the direction of the town. The horse’s hooves pounded the ground and his mind fell blank of everything but the task of getting to the parish house.
Finally, the small house came into view. Lloyd hardly waited for his horse to stop before he jumped off, running the rest of the way to the front door that opened almost magically. “She’s in Millie’s room,” Anne said, the lines on her face showing her concern. It made his heart clench in fear. Anne wasn’t one to be afraid.
The minute he opened the door Millie looked up and burst into tears. Josie laid on her bed, her chubby cheeks red with fever. And, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, Millie came toward him and fell into his arms.
Holding her there, he closed his eyes. They could face this—if they faced it together.
Lord, he prayed, heal my daughter!
***
Millie awoke with a start, the dim light provided by a lantern sitting on the dresser provided the only illumination to the room. She looked next to her where Josie finally slept peacefully. They doctor had come and gone a few times during the day and on into the night and finally, only a few hours ago now, the child’s fever had broken.
The girl’s condition had taken more than just a physical toll on Millie. Spending the day with Lloyd—an emotionally charged day—had cemented the fact that she was indeed falling in love with him. That fact had reminded her of what still lay between them. The truth needed to come out.
Slowly rolling off the bed so as not to disturb the small child, she walked to the kitchen just as the sun peeked over the mountains on the horizon. She picked up the water pitcher to pour herself a drink when movement startled her. It was Lloyd in a chair by the embers of the fire.
“Morning,” he said, his voice low and raspy.
“Good morning.” She took a sip of the water, feeling the cooling liquid rush down her throat.
“She’s still sleeping?”
Millie nodded, “Yes. I have a feeling she’ll sleep for a while.”
He stood, closing the gap between them. When he was close enough, he reached out and rested a hand on her arm. “How are you doing?”
The concern in her eyes made her stomach twist into knots. “I’m all right, but there’s something I must tell you.”
Her heart began to beat rapidly with the knowledge that the truth would soon be out. But she couldn’t go back now. She’s already let this go on long enough without being honest with him.
“You can tell me anything.” His kindness melted her and made her afraid all at the same time.
What would he say once he knew? Would he be angry? She wouldn’t blame him if he were.
“I—” her voice broke.
“Millie, what’s wrong? You’re as pale as a sheet. You aren’t getting sick are you?”
“No, no it’s not that.”
“Then what—”
“I was the one who wrote the letters to you.”
He blinked, a look of confusion coming over him. “Letters…I—I don’t understand.”
“I’m sorry,” she began, “I should have told you when we first met.”
“Told me what?”
“When you first started writing to Miss Hoff—that was me.” She held his gaze despite the urge to look anywhere but into his eyes. “You were corresponding with me that whole time. But then…well, we found out that Morgan was pregnant, she was assaulted,” she was quick to add, “and she needed a husband more than I did.
“By that time I admitted my name was Morgan to you but, because my sister never learned how to write, I continued our letters on her behalf. When she died…I just…I didn’t know what to say.”
He blinked. “You lied to me? You were going to trick me into marrying your sister? I can’t believe this. I—” he stopped, shaking his head in the silence.
“I’m sorry. I…I’ve been meaning to tell you but I didn’t know when. Then, seeing Josie sick, I knew that I cared for you both too much to keep the truth from you.”
“I can’t believe this. You’ve been lying this whole time. No wonder you knew so much about me. I feel like a fool.”
“Please, don’t, it was my fault completely.”
“How do I know you’re telling the truth now? Are you just trying to fool me so I’ll marry you? Is that what this is all about?”
She was surprised at the ferocity in his voice. “No!” Tears flooded her vision and she knew the whole truth had to come out then. “I wanted to tell you because…because I care for you. No matter what you think of me, you’ll always be Mr. D to me.”
Her use of his nickname made him flinch and he backed away from her. “I need time to think.” Then, without another word, he left the room, stepping out into the gray light of the morning leaving her alone and wondering if she’d done the right thing.
Chapter 6
Lloyd stood at the back of the parish house staring into the growing light of the morning. Cool air surrounded him but he didn’t move—wouldn’t acknowledge its effect on him. How could he have been so stupid?
Of course Millie had written those letters to him. It was clear now. The way she spoke, the things she laughed about, the times she’d slipped into teasing him. All of it added up to complete the picture of who she’d become to him. She’d always been Miss Hoff even if he hadn’t seen it at first.
“The sunset doesn’t hold the answers you’re seeking, son.” Peter’s voice broke through the silence around him.
“I suppose it doesn’t. Did you know?”
“Know what, Lloyd?”
“That she was the one who had written me the letters. How she and her sister conspired to trick me? That she’s been lying to me?”
“No, I didn’t know any of that. I’m not a mind reader, you know.” Peter laughed as he stepped up next to Lloyd, evaluating the morning with him. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that everything has worked out in your favor. Aside from the death of that poor girl of course, God rest her soul.”
“But…” he searched for the words to express what he was feeling. “But she lied to me.”
“True, but can’t you see why?”
“That doesn’t make it all right?”
“Of course not, but she did tell you the truth. I think that has to count for something. Especially when you care for her.”
He shot Peter a sharp glance.
“It’s obvious, son,” the pastor said, his smile as bright as the sunlight now flooding over the mountains before them.
“I do care.” He admitted the truth out loud but allowed his heart to feel it as well. It was more than care—it was love. But with that feeling came fear. Fear to love again, fear to know what would happen in the future. How could he commit is life to her knowing that the sting of death was more painful than anything he’d experienced? Was he really willing to open himself up for that pain again?
“You’re doing it again,” Peter said.
“What?”
“Trying to reason through every area of this and not leaving anything up to the Lord. What does your heart say, Lloyd?”
His heart? He hadn’t considered that in a long time—unless it was regarding his daughter. She was the only person who fully held his heart, and look at what had happened? She had been close to death. It reminded him that life was fragile. But it also reminded him that to live without love was pointless. If he didn’t have Josie in his life…he didn’t even want to think what it would mean. He’d rather have loved her well than to never have had her.
“It says to be reckless.”
“Then be reck
less in love, dear boy.” Peter turned to him, resting a heavy hand on his shoulder. “Take every opportunity, forgive often, and enjoy your life. God will see you through—despite all of the things that may or may not happen.”
Peter turned to go but Lloyd stayed with is gaze fixed on the sunset. He wanted to believe that what the pastor said was true. In fact, he wanted to do more than believe it; he wanted to live it.
When he considered what Millie had done he could see clearly how, in the grand scheme of things, him holding it against her would do neither of them any good.
With resolution, he turned to go inside but stopped short when he saw her standing a few feet behind him, shawl pulled tightly against her shoulders and a look of nervous fear on her face.
Without thinking and without considering the future or even the present ramifications of what would happen between them, he went toward her and pulled her into his arms. The moment before their lips touched he felt her hand resting softly over his heart and peace flooded him.
***
Millie couldn't have been more shocked had Lloyd yelled at her. To be here in his arms kissing him was at once completely right and confusing all at the same time.
When he pulled back just far enough to look down at her, he kept his grip—light and gentle—on her arms.
“Does this mean you forgive me?”
He cracked a smile. “There’s the humor I’ve been missing Miss Hoff.”
“Have you really Mr. D?”
He bent down and kissed her again. This time the passion nearly overwhelmed her and she leaned into his warm embrace, breaking away to tuck her head against his shoulder. They stayed like that for several minutes before he spoke again.
“I forgive you.”
They were the sweetest words—the ones she’d longed to hear but couldn’t have hoped to achieve had she not said anything. Her heart felt light after the weight of confession was lifted.
“I’m so sorry. I should have told and—”
“It’s all right. It’s in the past. We can move on and be Mr. D and Miss Hoff now. Or,” he held her gaze and a smile quirked the corners of his lips.
[2016] Alone and Pregnant Page 46
