by Nancy Krulik
The ogre was big. And strong. But he wasn’t smart. And smart could always outsmart strong. That was why they called it outsmart. All the princess had to do was think her way out of this mess.
Except it was really, really hard to think on an empty stomach! Boy, was she hungry.
THUMP. THUMP.
Suddenly, the whole castle began to shake.
THUMP. THUMP.
Princess Pulverizer gulped. It sounded like the ogre was walking up the stairs to the tower. What did he want now? Had he figured out that she’d stolen back the queen’s jewels?
Princess Pulverizer sure hoped not. Because there was no telling what that big stupid lunk would do if he got angry.
Sniff . . . sniff . . . ewwwww.
As the ogre got closer, a terrible smell wafted up into the tower. It smelled like dirty feet and underarm sweat.
Princess Pulverizer frowned. That giant monster didn’t just need a haircut. He needed a bath, too.
Click. A moment later, the ogre opened the door. He shoved a bowl and a spoon into the princess’s hands.
“FOOD,” he bellowed. Then he turned and left the tower, locking the door behind him.
The smell of dirty feet and underarm sweat filled the tower. And it didn’t leave with the ogre. That was because it wasn’t the ogre that smelled so bad. It was the gruel he’d served her for breakfast!
The only good thing about a breakfast like this was that the princess didn’t have to figure out which spoon was the proper one to use when eating gruel.
Because princesses did not eat gruel. Ever.
Still, she was hungry. And this was food. Sort of. So she took a spoonful, swished it around in her mouth, and . . .
Spit the nasty stuff across the room.
“THIS IS DISGUSTING!” she shouted. “I WANT EGGS, AND A ROLL, AND SOME COLD JUICE!”
The princess waited for a moment, expecting the ogre to hurry back up with a new breakfast—perhaps on a tray this time.
But Princess Pulverizer didn’t hear any footsteps on the stairs.
Hmmm . . . Maybe the ogre hadn’t heard her. If he had, he surely would have returned with a better meal.
“I AM A PRINCESS,” she shouted, louder this time. “I DO NOT EAT SLOP! ARE YOU BRINGING ME MY BREAKFAST? ARE YOU OUT THERE? ANSWER ME!”
“Do not worry, damsel in distress!”
Surprisingly, the princess got an answer. Only it wasn’t the answer to her question. And it wasn’t coming from inside the castle.
It was coming from outside.
Princess Pulverizer hurried to the tower window and looked down. There was a young knight standing below.
“I will save you!” the knight called up to her in a squeaky, nervous voice.
Princess Pulverizer frowned. That little knight didn’t look like he could save a mouse from a cat—never mind a princess from an ogre.
Luckily, the last thing Princess Pulverizer needed was saving. She could get out of this mess all on her own.
Besides, if this little knight got involved, he’d probably want to share the credit for returning the Queen of Shmergermeister’s jewels. That was not happening. Not when Princess Pulverizer had already gone through so much to get the jewels back.
“Go away!” she called down to the little knight. “You’re ruining everything.”
“Don’t worry!” the knight called back. “My faithful companion and I are here to free you and . . .”
That was the last thing Princess Pulverizer heard from the little knight, because at just that moment, the ogre rushed out of the castle. He scooped up the knight with one hand and threw him over his shoulder.
With the other hand, he reached out and grabbed some sort of creature by the tail. The princess didn’t have time to get a good look at what kind of creature it was. All she knew was that it was bright green and nearly the size of a fat horse.
THUMP. THUMP.
The ogre was coming up the stairs again. By now the princess recognized his footsteps.
THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD.
Those weren’t the ogre’s footsteps. They were loud. And heavy. But they didn’t belong to the ogre. They had to belong to the creature that had been captured along with the knight.
THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD.
SOB!
The princess heard a loud, mournful roar. It sounded way too loud for any human to make.
Princess Pulverizer had no idea what kind of monster could make a loud, horrible noise like that. All she knew was she didn’t want to meet him.
A moment later, the tower door opened. The ogre stomped in and . . . CLANG. He dropped the little knight right on his armor-covered rear end.
Then the ogre yanked at the creature’s long, green, spiny tail and pulled him into the room.
Princess Pulverizer’s eyes opened wide. The creature was a dragon. A real, live dragon!
“MY PRISONERS!” the ogre bellowed as he left the tower and headed back down the stairs.
The loud crying started up again immediately. Surprisingly, the loud cries were coming from a human. The tiny knight was sobbing hysterically.
Wow! For a little guy, he sure could make a lot of noise.
BELCH!
Just then, the dragon let out a giant burp. A horrible smell filled the air. It stank even worse than the gruel.
“Sorry,” the dragon apologized. “Sometimes when I eat too much, I get a little gassy. And I had a huge breakfast today.”
Princess Pulverizer shook her head. She was stuck in a garbage-filled tiny tower with a gassy green dragon and a blubbering knight. And she had nothing to eat but gruel that smelled like feet and sweat.
This quest had become quite a mess.
Chapter 6
“It’s getting a little crowded in here,” Princess Pulverizer complained as she stared at her new companions.
“And there’s no way out, is there?” the knight said. SOB. SOB.
Princess Pulverizer gave him a threatening stare. “Don’t start that again,” she warned him.
The knight took a deep breath and choked back his cries. Then he bowed. “I am Lucas.”
“Don’t you mean Sir Lucas?” Princess Pulverizer asked him.
“Not exactly,” Lucas told her. “I’m just a knight-in-training. Or I was, until I left Knight School.”
Princess Pulverizer couldn’t believe her ears. This Lucas kid had left Knight School! “Why would anybody leave Knight School?” she asked him. “Knight School is the greatest place on earth.”
“I didn’t leave it on purpose,” Lucas told her. “I was kind of laughed out.”
Princess Pulverizer stared at him. “Why?” she asked him.
Lucas turned bright red. “I just couldn’t do anything right,” he told her. “I left my armor out in the rain overnight. Now look at it.”
The princess looked closely at Lucas’s armor. It was covered with spots of rust.
“That’s not the worst of it,” Lucas continued. “One time I was practicing fencing with my partner, and the visor on my helmet slammed shut. I couldn’t see a thing. But I kept fencing.”
“That was very noble of you,” Princess Pulverizer said.
“It was very stupid of me,” Lucas corrected her. “I kept waving my sword around and around—and I had no idea that I was actually fencing with a tree branch, until it fell on my head.”
Princess Pulverizer started to laugh. She stopped when she saw the expression on Lucas’s face.
“It’s okay,” Lucas told her. “Go ahead and laugh. Everybody else did.”
Princess Pulverizer smiled at him. “That really doesn’t sound so bad,” she said. “Certainly not bad enough to make you leave Knight School.”
“Well, there’s also one more thing,” Lucas said. “But it’s really embarrassing.”
“You see, I’m a—” Lucas began. He stopped mid-sentence and leaped up onto a wooden stool. “MOUSE!” he shouted.
Princess Pulverizer looked down. Sure enough, a little gray mouse was scooting around on the floor.
“You’re afraid of a mouse?” she asked Lucas.
He nodded. “I’m pretty much afraid of everything,” Lucas admitted. “The other guys nicknamed me Lucas the Lily-Livered. That really hurt my feelings. So I left.”
“You left?” Princess Pulverizer asked him. “But where did you go? Where do you live now?”
“I don’t have a home,” Lucas said. “I’ve just been wandering the woods. For a while I was alone. Then I met Dribble. It’s been good to have a friend.”
“Dribble?” Princess Pulverizer asked. “What kind of a name is that for a dragon?”
“Well, what’s your name?” Dribble asked her.
“Princess Pulverizer,” she replied proudly.
“What kind of a name is that for a princess?” Dribble asked her.
“It’s a great name for a princess,” Princess Pulverizer insisted. “Especially for a princess who is going to go to Knight School.”
“Knight School?” Lucas asked her. “But you can’t go to Knight School!”
Princess Pulverizer put her hands on her hips. She stared angrily at Lucas. “And why not?” she demanded.
Lucas gulped. “Well . . . because . . . I mean . . . you’re a . . . well . . . you’re a princess.”
“There’s no rule that a princess can’t be a knight,” she told him. “My father, King Alexander of Empiria, has decreed that I can go to Knight School—after I do eight good deeds.”
“Have you done any good deeds yet?” Lucas asked her.
“I was in the middle of doing one when you guys showed up,” Princess Pulverizer told him. “I have retrieved the Queen of Shmergermeister’s jewels from the evil ogre. And when I get out of here, I will return them to her.”
“How do you plan to get out of here?” Lucas asked her.
“I don’t know, exactly,” Princess Pulverizer told him. “But I do know it would have been a lot easier for me to sneak out before you and your dragon showed up. Now the ogre is on his guard. He’s going to be watching us all very carefully.”
“We just wanted to rescue you,” Dribble told her. He let out another belch. The powerful smelly wind knocked the princess to the ground.
But not even a dragon burp could keep Princess Pulverizer down. She scrambled to her feet and glared at him.
“I didn’t need your help!” Princess Pulverizer snapped at Dribble. “Why does everyone think girls need rescuing? I can get out of here by myself. And I can do eight good deeds all on my own. In fact . . .” A smile flashed across Princess Pulverizer’s face. “Thanks to you, I’m going to get to do two good deeds today,” she told Dribble.
“Thanks to me?” Dribble asked her.
“Yep,” the princess said. “I’m going to steal that ogre’s sword. And right before I leave the castle, I’m going to slay you.”
Dribble stared at the princess with his huge dragon eyes. “Why would you want to do that to me?” he asked her.
“Because dragons are mean,” Princess Pulverizer explained. “They breathe fire and burn villages. Think of all the people I will save if I slay a dragon.”
“B-b-but,” Dribble stammered. He seemed too shocked to answer her.
“You can’t slay Dribble,” Lucas told the princess. “He’s my friend. He’s not mean at all.”
“Don’t you breathe fire?” Princess Pulverizer asked him.
“Sure,” Dribble told her. “But not to burn villages.”
“Then what do you use your fire for?” Princess Pulverizer asked.
Lucas turned and smiled at Dribble. “Show her,” he said.
“She said she wanted to slay me,” Dribble said sadly. A giant dragon-size tear spilled out of his eye.
“Show her,” Lucas repeated.
Princess Pulverizer turned to Lucas. “You’re asking a fire-breathing dragon to breathe fire—here? Are you nuts? He’s gonna burn this place down. With us in it!”
“Wait and see,” Lucas told her. “You’re never going to believe what Dribble can do.”
Chapter 7
“Grilled cheese?” Princess Pulverizer asked with surprise a few minutes later. “You use your fire-breathing ability to make grilled cheese?”
Dribble nodded and let out another blast of fire. He gently turned the sandwich with his foot to make sure it was evenly toasted on both sides.
“Not just grilled cheese,” Lucas corrected her. “The greatest grilled cheese sandwiches you will ever taste in any kingdom. He’s an amazing chef.”
“I’ve never heard of a dragon who was a chef before,” Princess Pulverizer said.
“I’ve never heard of a princess who wanted to go to Knight School before,” Dribble replied.
Princess Pulverizer scowled. He had her there.
“Try a sandwich,” Lucas told her.
“How do I know this evil dragon didn’t poison it?” Princess Pulverizer asked.
Dribble looked at her sadly. “I’m not evil.” He let some wind out from under his tail—and a terrible smell filled the air. “Excuse me,” he apologized. “I’m gassy. But I’m not evil,” he insisted.
“Dribble wouldn’t poison anyone,” Lucas assured Princess Pulverizer.
“You take a bite first,” the princess ordered Lucas. “Be my royal taster.”
“If you say so,” Lucas said with a shrug. He broke off a piece of the sandwich and popped it into his mouth. “Mmmm . . . Limburger cheese. My favorite.”
“Limburger is so smelly,” Princess Pulverizer complained. “Why not cheddar?”
“Because limburger cheese is what I have in my knapsack,” Lucas said. “Try it. You’ll like it.”
Princess Pulverizer wasn’t so sure. But she was hungry. And grilled cheese was definitely a step up from gruel.
So the princess took a bite.
“Mmmm . . . ,” she said. “This is delicious.”
“I told you so,” Dribble said. “I’m going to be a chef one day.”
“The other dragons in your lair are lucky to have you,” Princess Pulverizer told him.
Another giant tear slid down Dribble’s face.
“What did I say now?” Princess Pulverizer demanded.
“It’s just that the other dragons don’t want Dribble in their lair,” Lucas explained. “They don’t think dragons should use their fire-breathing for good. So they kicked him out.”
Princess Pulverizer looked at Lucas and Dribble. “You two are a real pair of misfits, aren’t you?” she said.
“What about you?” Dribble asked.
“What about me?” she countered.
“Were you wandering around with a bunch of other princesses when you were captured?” Dribble asked her.
“No,” she replied. “I’m doing this quest all on my own.”
“So, basically, you don’t fit in, either,” Dribble suggested.
Hmmm . . . He has a point.
Princess Pulverizer took another bite of her sandwich. “This tastes really great, Dribble,” she said. “Even if it does smell stinky.”
“Stinky cheese is the best,” Lucas told her. “The stinkier the better.”
Suddenly, the ogre’s grunts rang through the castle. “SOMETHING SMELLY!”
“I don’t know what he’s complaining about,” Princess Pulverizer said. “Has he smelled his pits lately?”
“NO LIKE SMELLY!” the ogre bellowed.
STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP.
“Uh-oh!” Lucas cried ou
t. “He’s on his way up here.” Sob! Sob!
“No more crying!” the princess warned him angrily.
“B-b-but the ogre sounds really angry,” Lucas said. “He might hurt us. Or worse.”
“Don’t worry,” Princess Pulverizer told them. “That ogre won’t get near us!”
“Who’s going to stop him?” Dribble asked her.
Princess Pulverizer looked from the lily-livered knight-in-training to the gassy, not-at-all-scary dragon. They weren’t going to be much help.
“Who else?” she asked them. “Me. The mighty Princess Pulverizer!”
Chapter 8
THUMP. THUMP. The ogre’s footsteps were closer now. Princess Pulverizer needed a plan.
What would a knight do in a case like this?
He would probably use his sword and stab the ogre in the chest. But the princess didn’t have a sword. All she had was her brains, her arms, and her legs.
Whoosh! At just that moment, the door to the tower flew open. The ogre was standing there, glowering at his prisoners.
“SMELLY!” he bellowed. “STINKY . . .”
Slam!
Princess Pulverizer kicked the ogre in his knee—hard.
Bam! She kicked him in the other knee—even harder. And when the ogre bent down to grab his injured knees . . .
Wham! The princess grabbed a wooden chair and smashed the ogre right in the stomach.
The ogre tilted backward, grabbing his middle.
“OOO. OOO. OW!” He banged his head on the doorpost.
Princess Pulverizer leaped out of the way, and over to the far window near her friends, just before . . .
Thud! The ogre fell to the ground in a heap right in the middle of the room.
“Wow!” Lucas said. “I had no idea you were that strong.”
“I’m not,” Princess Pulverizer admitted. “I just caught him by surprise.”
“Is he dead?” Lucas wondered nervously.
“Nah,” Princess Pulverizer said. “I can still smell his awful breath. He’s just knocked out. But he won’t be for long. We have to get out of here.”
