by Daniel Defoe
the way, I came by accident to understand, that the two Dutchships were gone that length before me, and that I should certainly fallinto their hands. I consulted my partner again in this exigency, and hewas as much at a loss as I was, and would very gladly have been safe onshore almost any where. However, I was not in such perplexity neither,but I asked the old pilot if there was no creek or harbour, which Imight put into, and pursue my business with the Chinese privately, andbe in no danger of the enemy. He told me if I would sail to thesouthward about two-and-forty leagues, there was a little port calledQuinchang, where the fathers of the mission usually landed from Macao,on their progress to teach the Christian religion to the Chinese, andwhere no European ships ever put in: and, if I thought proper to put inthere, I might consider what farther course to take when I was on shore.He confessed, he said, it was not a place for merchants, except that atsome certain times they had a kind of a fair there, when the merchantsfrom Japan came over thither to buy the Chinese merchandises.
We all agreed to go back to this place: the name of the port, as hecalled it, I may, perhaps, spell wrong, for I do not particularlyremember it, having lost this, together with the names of many otherplaces set down in a little pocket-book, which was spoiled by the water,on an accident which I shall relate in its order; but this I remember,that the Chinese or Japanese merchants we correspond with call it by adifferent name from that which our Portuguese pilot gave it, andpronounced it as above, Quinchang.
As we were unanimous in our resolutions to go to this place, we weighedthe next day, having only gone twice on shore, where we were to getfresh water; on both which occasions the people of the country were verycivil to us, and brought us abundance of things to sell to us; I mean ofprovisions, plants, roots, tea, rice, and some fowls; but nothingwithout money.
We came to the other port (the wind being contrary) not till five days;but it was very much to our satisfaction, and I was joyful, and I maysay thankful, when I set my foot safe on shore, resolving, and mypartner too, that if it was possible to dispose of ourselves and effectsany other way, though not every way to our satisfaction, we would neverset one foot on board that unhappy vessel again: and indeed I mustacknowledge, that of all the circumstances of life that ever I had anyexperience of, nothing makes mankind so completely miserable as that ofbeing in constant fear. Well does the Scripture say, "The fear of manbrings a snare;" it is a life of death, and the mind is so entirelysuppressed by it, that it is capable of no relief; the animal spiritssink, and all the vigour of nature, which usually supports men underother afflictions, and is present to them in the greatest exigencies,fails them here.
Nor did it fail of its usual operations upon the fancy, by heighteningevery danger; representing the English and Dutch captains to be menincapable of hearing reason, or distinguishing between honest men androgues; or between a story calculated for our own turn, made out ofnothing, on purpose to deceive, and a true genuine account of our wholevoyage, progress, and design; for we might many ways have convinced anyreasonable creature that we were not pirates; the goods we had on board,the course we steered, our frankly shewing ourselves, and entering intosuch and such ports; even our very manner, the force we had, the numberof men, the few arms, little ammunition, and short provisions; all thesewould have served to convince any man that we were no pirates. Theopium, and other goods we had on board, would make it appear the shiphad been at Bengal; the Dutchmen, who, it was said, had the names of allthe men that were in the ship, might easily see that we were a mixtureof English, Portuguese, and Indians, and but two Dutchmen on board.These, and many other particular circumstances, might have made itevident to the understanding of any commander, whose hands we mightfall into, that we were no pirates.
But fear, that blind useless passion, worked another way, and threw usinto the vapours; it bewildered our understandings, and set theimagination at work, to form a thousand terrible things, that, perhaps,might never happen. We first supposed, as indeed every body had relatedto us, that the seamen on board the English and Dutch ships, butespecially the Dutch, were so enraged at the name of a pirate, andespecially at our beating off their boats, and escaping, that they wouldnot give themselves leave to inquire whether we were pirates or no; butwould execute us off-hand, as we call it, without giving us any room fora defence. We reflected that there was really so much apparent evidencebefore them, that they would scarce inquire after any more: as, first,that the ship was certainly the same, and that some of the seamen amongthem knew her, and had been on board her; and, secondly, that when wehad intelligence at the river Cambodia, that they were coming down toexamine us, we fought their boats, and fled: so that we made no doubtbut they were as fully satisfied of our being pirates as we weresatisfied of the contrary; and I often said, I knew not but I shouldhave been apt to have taken the like circumstances for evidence, if thetables were turned, and my case was theirs; and have made no scruple ofcutting all the crew to pieces, without believing, or perhapsconsidering, what they might have to offer in their defence.
But let that be how it will, those were our apprehensions; and both mypartner and I too scarce slept a night without dreaming of halters andyard-arms; that is to say, gibbets; of fighting, and being taken; ofkilling, and being killed; and one night I was in such a fury in mydream, fancying the Dutchmen had boarded us, and I was knocking one oftheir seamen down, that I struck my double fist against the side of thecabin I lay in, with such a force as wounded my hand most gievously,broke my knuckles, and cut and bruised the flesh, so that it not onlywaked me out of my sleep, but I was once afraid I should have lost twoof my fingers.
Another apprehension I had, was, of the cruel usage we should meet withfrom them, if we fell into their hands: then the story of Amboyna cameinto my head, and how the Dutch might, perhaps, torture us, as they didour countrymen there; and make some of our men, by extremity of torture,confess those crimes they never were guilty of; own themselves, and allof us, to be pirates; and so they would put us to death, with a formalappearance of justice; and that they might be tempted to do this for thegain of our ship and cargo, which was worth four or five thousandpounds, put all together.
These things tormented me, and my partner too, night and day; nor did weconsider that the captains of ships have no authority to act thus; andif we had surrendered prisoners to them, they could not answer thedestroying us, or torturing us, but would be accountable for it whenthey came into their own country. This, I say, gave me no satisfaction;for, if they will act thus with us, what advantage would it be to usthat they would be called to an account for it? or, if we were first tobe murdered, what satisfaction would it be to us to have them punishedwhen they came home?
I cannot refrain taking notice here what reflections I now had upon thepast variety of my particular circumstances; how hard I thought it was,that I, who had spent forty years in a life of continued difficulties,and was at last come, as it were, at the port or haven which all mendrive at, viz. to have rest and plenty, should be a volunteer in newsorrows, by my own unhappy choice; and that I, who had escaped so manydangers in my youth, should now come to be hanged, in my old age, and inso remote a place, for a crime I was not in the least inclined to, muchless guilty of; and in a place and circumstance, where innocence was notlike to be any protection at all to me.
After these thoughts, something of religion would come in; and I wouldbe considering that this seemed to me to be a disposition of immediateProvidence; and I ought to look upon it, and submit to it as such: thatalthough I was innocent as to men, I was far from being innocent as tomy Maker; and I ought to look in, and examine what other crimes in mylife were most obvious to me, and for which Providence might justlyinflict this punishment as a retribution; and that I ought to submit tothis, just as I would to a shipwreck, if it had pleased God to havebrought such a disaster upon me.
In its turn, natural courage would sometimes take its place; and then Iwould be talking myself up to vigorous resolution, that I would not betaken to be barbarously used by a parcel of merciles
s wretches in coldblood; that it was much better to have fallen into the hands of thesavages, who were men-eaters, and who, I was sure, would feast upon me,when they had taken me, than by those who would perhaps glut their rageupon me by inhuman tortures and barbarities: that, in the case of thesavages, I always resolved to die fighting to the last gasp; and whyshould I not do so now, seeing it was much more dreadful, to me atleast, to think of falling into these men's hands, than ever it was tothink of being eaten by men? for the savages, give them their due, wouldnot eat a man till he was dead; and killed him first, as we do abullock; but that these men had many arts beyond the cruelty of death.Whenever these thoughts prevailed I was sure to put myself into a kindof fever, with the agitations of a supposed fight; my blood would boil,and my eyes sparkle, as if I was engaged; and I always resolved that Iwould take no quarter at their hands; but even at last, if I couldresist no longer, I would blow up the ship, and all that was in her,
