She nods. “I found it the other day, when I was messaging you.”
I slowly pick it up but don’t open it. It just doesn’t feel right. Holding it is enough to feel close to Valerie again. She touched this and wrote in it.
“Where’d you get it?” I ask. “I remember she used to carry this around sometimes.”
“I’m moving out next week, and I was putting some of my stuff in our attic. I started going through some of her things, and I…just came across this.”
I can’t stop looking at it. The waitress comes with the drinks we ordered a few minutes ago, but I pretty much ignore her as Miranda says we don’t need anything else at the moment.
The waitress leaves, and Miranda turns back to me. “I don’t know how I missed it when I packed all of her stuff when…It was hidden inside a big box of other stuff. I guess I never went through all of it.”
I nod, and I lay it back on the table. Now I’m just confused as to why she would want to show this to me. I don’t think it’s right to read it. I know this was like her diary or journal or something, and she didn’t let me read it before.
I push it back to her.
“Carlos, there’s something in there you need to read.”
“I can’t.” I shake my head.
She pushes it back to me and opens it. Seeing Valerie’s handwriting, her words, is like seeing her ghost.
“It’s not right,” I say.
“I think she would have wanted you to see this,” Miranda says. She’s flipping through pages, and I see dates flash by. “It took me a long time for me to even begin to forgive myself.” She closes the journal for a second as she talks, using her hand as a bookmark. “I felt like I failed her as a big sister. Her entire childhood I was there when she needed someone to look out for her and then we grew up, and suddenly, we weren’t that close anymore.”
My mouth is dry as I hear her say those words.
“I read something she wrote in here, and something just told me that I had to show it to you. I don’t know. It’s like she somehow knew one day she’d be gone, and she left this behind for us.”
“How would she know that?” I ask. How could she know I would betray her so badly?
“I don’t know. It’s just amazing, though, that we have this part of her. She wrote about me in here, about our memories together. And then she talked about you.”
I freeze.
“She wrote about you a lot. I know you guys had your ups and downs, but she really did love you, Carlos.”
She opens up the journal again. “She wrote this entry like two days before she died.”
She gives me the journal, and I take it in my hands.
“Just read it,” she says quietly.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I say, glancing at her and then anywhere else.
“Listen, I know this is hard.” I can hear her trying not to cry. “I read through this in one day, and I couldn’t stop crying because it was like she was here again, talking to me. And it helped me remember the good times we had together, even if it was cut way too short.”
I nod and swallow.
“I know this hasn’t been easy on you either,” she says. “I can see it. You’re like a zombie version of your old self. But my sister wouldn’t want that for you, don’t you see?”
“You don’t know what she would want,” I reply. “Because you don’t know what I did to her.”
“I know about that night.”
I look at her, confused.
“I heard, okay? You can’t blame yourself for that. I love my sister, but she made a poor choice that night to drink and drive. You can’t blame yourself for that. She wouldn’t want you to. She’d want you to move on and be happy.”
I don’t know what to say to that, except just think that she’s wrong. Even now, Valerie must hate me wherever she is.
“If you know, then you know that I may as well have been driving that night.”
“Please just read it,” she says.
I finally look down and read Valerie’s words.
I never thought I’d meet someone like Carlos. Before I met him, I always felt so alone. Surrounded by people who wanted to talk to me but didn’t really know me, much less care about me. I just felt trapped all the time. My friends at my old school never got me. All they cared about was being popular or the things money could buy, and I got tired of that pretty quick.
And my parents. They’re always yelling. At each other. At me and Miranda. Demanding perfection from themselves and from us, always worried what the world has to say.
I finally felt like someone got me when I met Carlos. It’s like the moment I noticed him looking at me, he could see right through me. Right through the wall I was trying to put up. And he wanted more than just sex from me. He wanted to know me. Talk to me. Make me laugh and feel good.
Things aren’t always perfect between me and Carlos. We’ve been fighting a lot lately. A lot. About little things. And big things. I guess it’s just scary not knowing what’s going to come after high school. My parents want me to go away to college and follow in their footsteps like my sister.
But I don’t want to do that. Not yet anyway. I want to stay with Carlos. I want us to travel and see the world together. Like I said, things aren’t always perfect between us, but we love each other. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. I don’t think I’ve loved anyone before him. He’s made me so happy, even when we fight and get angry at each other, because I know he’ll always come back to me.
I have no idea what the next year and the one after senior year are going to bring for us, but I hope we end up together forever, like the old husband and wife we saw that one time. But even if we don’t, and for some reason, we go our separate ways, I just know that I’ll never harbor negative feelings towards Carlos. He saved me when I was at my worst. I never told him this, but having to move again was hard. Having to start over with more fake people and my parents fighting more than ever. I just wanted it all to end so much. It really sucks when it’s like your parents don’t love you. And my sister Miranda is always busy with her friends or school.
I was thinking of just ending it. Ending my life. I hated it so much. But Carlos saved me without knowing it. It’s like that scene in Titanic, where Rose is about to jump overboard, thinking anything has to better than being stifled by upper society. Then because of destiny, Jack is there to save her and show her what life is really supposed to be like. It’s cheesy, but that’s exactly how I feel about Carlos. I’ll always be thankful to him for saving me and maybe one day I’ll have the courage to tell him that he saved my life. I love you, Carlos.
Twenty-Three
I stare at the page, at Valerie’s words, for a long time after I’m done reading, rereading them, and then reading them one more time.
It’s like I can hear her telling me all of this. I swallow and clench my teeth. The words on the pages in front of me blur together as I struggle to keep myself under control.
I finally make myself look at Miranda. I clear my throat, not knowing what the hell to say right now.
She gives me a small smile.
I look around, thinking of all the time I spent with Valerie. She never told me she wanted to kill herself. I never would have guessed that. Now I’m doubting everything. Was that night…
“Did you know?” I ask.
“That she wanted to…” Miranda asks.
I nod.
“No. I told you. We stopped being close when I entered high school. I never knew how sad she was. I mean it sucked that my parents fought all the time, but I always tried to leave the house. I guess… I should have taken her with me. But it was hard enough for me to get away.”
She sniffs and wipes her nose with a napkin.
I have to ask her. “Do you think that night she finally….decided to do it? Kill herself?” Because of what I did.
She shakes her head. “Don’t do that to yourself, Carlos. She was so happy with you. The police report s
aid there were skid marks on the road. That night was just a horrible, horrible accident.”
I nod. She’s right. I never knew about those reports, but she must be right. I don’t think she’d lie about something like that. She’d hate me for making her sister kill herself.
“Carlos, don’t you see?” she says. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the waitress coming our way again, but Miranda beats her to the punch. “We’re fine, thank you.”
She turns around with a smile before she gets to our table.
“She wanted you to be happy.”
“She wanted us to travel together,” I say. “After graduation.” I realize in that moment that that’s what we would have been doing together right now if she were still alive. We would have graduated almost a year ago now. And we’d have traveled to all the places she wanted to see. All of the states. Mexico and South America. Africa and Australia. And I would have gone with her. Somehow, we would have done it.
God, I should have told her yes that night. But how could I have known that I’d never have the chance to tell her yes?
I put my hands on my head. This is all too much. I push Valerie’s journal towards her.
“I know it’s a lot,” Miranda says quietly. “But just take a few days and think about it. And if you can, give yourself another chance to be happy with someone. My sister thought you deserved it.”
I look at her and nod. She takes another sip of her drink and gets up, putting Valerie’s journal back in her purse. She comes around to give me an awkward hug because I’m still sitting down. “I’ll see you around. Let me know if you ever need anything.”
But before she can leave, I’m calling out to her. “Wait.” She turns around and takes a step back towards our table.
I get up so we’re face to face. Her blonde hair is falling across her face kinda like how Valerie’s used to.
I carefully pull Valerie’s necklace out of my shirt. I see the look of recognition on Miranda’s face as I take it off. She gives a small gasp, and there are tears in her eyes as I put it around her neck and clasp it.
“No, I can’t possibly—“ she begins.
“Please,” I say, taking a step back so she and I can look at it on her. She’s holding the silver angel wing in her hands. “You should have it. You’re her sister.”
She just stares at it for a second. Then she looks back at me. She comes in to give me another hug. “Thank you,” she whispers. “This means a lot.”
We let go, and she finally leaves. I’m still staring at her as she goes out the front door of the diner and glances back at me.
I pay for our drinks and head to my car. The sun is setting as I drive home. I study the hues of bright purple and red and orange. It reminds me of Valerie, and somehow I feel a huge weight come off of my shoulders.
It takes me several days to just process everything that’s happened. Not to mention this year.
I do a lot of thinking. I think about my dad. And Valerie. What they meant to me and why they had to leave me so soon. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why these two people were taken away from me. I don’t know what I could have done to deserve something like this.
But then I think about how I’ve also been given another chance in life. Because I’ve made that second chance for myself.
I feel different, way more different than the guy I used to be in high school. I still can’t bear to dwell too much on my past. But that’s what I’ve learned. You’re not supposed to. You’re supposed to move on, no matter how long it takes.
At some point, you need to let go of the past.
The person I was in high school was not me, at least not after I lost Valerie. I became so bitter, a dark shadow of who I used to be. I didn’t treat Ariana like I should have, and what I did to her brother was completely wrong. I regret it. And if one day I see them again, I want to say that I’m sorry.
I just want to let my past go. There’s nothing I can do about it anymore. I think that’s what Valerie’s death has taught me. I have to learn to live with what’s happened in my life. That night wasn’t my fault.
That night was not my fault.
It’s still hard to believe that. To accept that there’s nothing I could have done to stop it, no way to have prevented it. Valerie dying at seventeen was a horrible accident, and I wish she was still here, but there’s nothing I can do.
Except try to move on.
I’ll never be able to forget Valerie. God, that first time I saw her in the school hallways still haunts me. I’ll never forget her smile and how happy we were.
I just want to be happy again. Now I know Valerie would have wanted that for me. To not blame myself for a tragic misunderstanding and find happiness.
No matter how much Valerie’s death and my dad’s death still hurt, I deserve to be happy.
I’m at the rooftop of my apartment building again. But this time, I’m just enjoying the view.
I’ve been coming here in the last couple of weeks. Like that night a few months ago, it brings me peace being up here alone to think and watch the world go by.
I’m just at a different place now, though. I don’t feel the walls closing in on me anymore. I haven’t had anymore nightmares. Just dreams. Of her. Of my dad. Of us laughing again.
It’s still sad to remember them and know they’re not on this earth anymore, but I know they must be in a better place. I think about that as I stare at the clouds and sky in front of me. The sun is going down, and it’ll be nighttime soon. I register for classes tomorrow.
I feel good.
Like my life is finally heading in the right direction.
Except there’s still one thing missing. Or actually, a person.
I pull my phone out of my back pocket, and I text Naomi.
I needed the last couple of weeks to clear my head and now that I have closure on my past, I know what I have to do next.
Hey, can I see you? There’s something I need to tell you. After that I understand if you never want to see me again. Meet me on the roof?
I don’t know what else to say after that so I hit send. And I wait, hoping she’ll reply.
Twenty-Four
An hour later, I’m still alone on the roof. I wonder if Naomi’s gonna show.
After a few more minutes, I don’t think she is. I let out the breath I’d been holding in and stare down at the pavement. I should go back down. I want to lie down or something.
I turn around and freeze.
“Hey,” she says. Naomi is holding the door that goes back downstairs in one hand, like she doesn’t want it to slam.
“You came,” I say.
“Yeah.” She finally takes a couple of steps towards me, letting the door finally close shut.
It’s just us now.
“You look different,” she says.
“My hair?” I ask, touching it with my hand.
“Not just that,” she says, taking another few steps towards me. We’re only about a yard from each other now. It’s driving me crazy having her so close again. She’s wearing some kind of uniform t-shirt with her jeans. She must have been volunteering or something because it’s not her work shirt.
“It’s something else about you,” she goes on. “You just seem different.”
I shrug.
I need to get to the point here.
“How have you been?” I ask. Now it’s her turn to shrug, and her smile finally falters as she looks down before looking back up at me.
I’m dying to hug her, smell her hair, and wrap my arms around her, but I can’t. Not yet. And not if she won’t let me after what I’m about to say.
“Do you want to sit?” I ask. I follow her and sit beside her with our backs to the wall of the edge of the building. She’s looking at me again, waiting for an explanation, I guess.
I don’t know how to start. So she does.
“Why’d you want to…that night?” she asks.
I sigh and look away. “There’s something that I haven’t tol
d you. Something huge that happened in my life, that I’m not proud of, and I just felt like it was suffocating me. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
I look back at her, and she’s looking right at me, waiting for me to go on.
“Her name was Valerie. I started going out with her in tenth grade. She died right at the end of junior year. Before our senior year.”
Naomi’s mouth falls open. “Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
“We each had our problems, but we couldn’t stay away from each other. Her parents didn’t like me, but we snuck out all the time. One night, we went to a party. We had an argument about our plans after graduation. I finally went to look for her, but some of my friends got me to play this drinking game. Valerie walked in on me kissing another girl during during that stupid game.”
I stop there and try to gauge Naomi’s reaction. I can’t tell what she’s thinking. That I’m scum.
“To be honest, I didn’t even know that girl. She caught me by surprise, and I was already kinda drunk. I didn’t care. But Valerie saw me and got pretty upset. She ran off, and I tried going after her, but she had my keys in my jacket. She was wearing it, the jacket. She took my car. She’d been drinking too.”
I look at Naomi. Her mouth is slightly open again. I think she knows where this is heading.
“I got somebody at the party to go after her with me in his car, but it was too late. I heard her hit the tree before we ever caught up to her. She was already dead when I got there and…”
I look at Naomi again, and she’s looking down in front of her.
“Her parents blamed me. Everyone blamed me.” I clear my throat. “I blamed me.”
“Is that why you went to jail?” she asks, finally looking at me.
I shake my head. “The police ruled it an accident. I went to jail a year later for a different reason. After what happened with Valerie, I was pretty messed up. I wasn’t even allowed to stay at her funeral.
“I started drinking. Partying. I started going out with this girl named Ariana at school. She was nice and I did like her, but really, I just wanted her to help me forget Valerie. It didn’t work, and I only pulled her down with me until she realized she needed to stay away from me.” I take a breath and go on. “She was a good girl, but I got her into trouble. I was pretty mad when she decided to not see me anymore.”
Letting Go (Changing Hearts Series Book 3) Page 11
