by Victor Poole
Ajalia was tired of the up and down. She was tired of the way he committed to her for a few days, and then blushed and claimed that his offer of marriage was only a secretive and convenient to him one. She remembered that Delmar had been in her room for several nights, and that her servants, and others in the city knew, and she curled her lip in irritation. She began to think of what story she could tell, to convey as dry and political a slant as possible to these late-night sessions, which, she reflected, had been spent in quite an innocent fashion. She told herself again that she was a fool for trusting Delmar. I knew he was a liar, Ajalia told herself, and I trusted him anyway. I'm a fool for trusting Delmar, she told herself, but she kept her face relatively smooth, and her eyes now were quite dry.
"You look funny," Delmar said cautiously. "You scared me when you said the thing," he added, "about marrying me. I don't want to get married. Getting married is hard."
Ajalia stopped herself, with an effort, from laughing bitterly in Delmar's face. How is it, she asked herself, that I can manage everyone else's affairs tidily, and fail to arrange my own life? Ajalia resolved to reform her personal life at once. She looked at Delmar, the line of magic trailing yet in her hand, and examined the place where she thought her soul should be.
"Aren't you afraid of getting married?" Delmar asked. His voice was friendly and helpful; he sounded, Ajalia realized, like a man who is coaxing a shy person into sharing their feelings.
"Are you trying to manage me, Delmar?" Ajalia asked. Delmar's face puckered.
"No," he said quickly, but Ajalia saw his cheeks change shape, and his eyes turn away.
"Because you know that I don't like being managed," she said.
"Yes," Delmar said. Ajalia was sure that he was only saying "yes" to get her to stop talking to him. She could see an angry flush climbing up his neck. Ajalia stifled a sigh. Her initial anger at Delmar was turning now into a stolid and cold disappointment. I knew he was like this, Ajalia reminded herself, from the very first time I met him. She felt like an idiot for thinking that he would change. She felt like an idiot for liking him. She found that she still liked him. I will like Delmar, Ajalia told herself firmly, but I will not expose myself like this anymore. She was beginning to feel like a piece of cloth that is pierced through so many times, in so many different places, and is stretched and torn at so hard that it begins to unravel. Her sense of personal autonomy was growing ragged. She felt as if her emotions were on a string, and Delmar was yanking the string up and down, without seeming to have any regard for how his words affected how she felt. Ajalia looked at Delmar, and at his eager face, which was turned again towards her, much as a child or a puppy would look adoringly at a person they worshipped. Delmar's gaze cut into Ajalia's heart, and made her feel guilty. I don't know why I should feel guilty, Ajalia told herself.
"Did you hear what I said?" Delmar asked. Ajalia blinked.
"No," she said.
"I said, I can't marry you until after everything's final, because I don't want to," Delmar said.
"That is not what you just said," Ajalia told him, anger burning now in the bottom of her heart. "Are you going to tell me that that is what you meant just now, when you said before that you didn't want to get married?" she demanded. She was having difficulty now keeping her voice level. Every time, she thought furiously, every time he does this, he fixes it in five minutes. This up-and-down pattern made Ajalia feel like tearing things into bits.
Delmar must have seen the utter fury in her eyes, because he said, very meekly, "No." He looked at her fearfully, and did not say any more.
"No, what?" Ajalia asked. Her black horse flicked an ear back at her. She patted his neck, and told herself to calm down. She told herself that it was her fault for getting worked up, when she knew that Delmar would be himself again when she asked questions.
I know he always fixes it, Ajalia told herself. He has always backtracked, as soon as I get angry. Maybe, she thought, I could stay angry all the time, to prevent his hurting my feelings in the first place.
"Do you know that you hurt my feelings just now?" Ajalia asked. Delmar glanced nervously back at the others, and then he shook his head.
"No," Delmar said. "I really am scared of getting married, and I don't want to."
"Okay," Ajalia said.
"Can't we just stay married the way we already are?" Delmar asked. Ajalia took the ball of golden magic that she had collected; she wrapped it up in a sheen of magic, to keep it isolated from the rest of her self, and she set it down in a corner of her soul. She still was not sure if she wanted to keep Delmar's light in her, or if she wanted to trade back. Ajalia remembered what it had been like when Ullar had been held captive by a glowing shell of light by Denai, and she turned, with a measure of grimness, to Delmar.
"Speaking of the way that we are married," Ajalia said, "is it true that you can make my body hold still, and keep me from speaking?" Delmar's eyes turned a little wild.
"No," he said.
"And are you lying to me right now because you're scared?" Ajalia asked.
"Yes," Delmar said. Ajalia sighed.
"Let's trade back," she said. She took the ball of golden soul she had wrapped up, and beads of golden light grew up in her palm. The bits of Delmar's soul felt like hot strings of fire passing through Ajalia's arm and wrist. Soon she was holding a round, golden ball of Delmar's soul. She held it in front of her chest, so that Philas and Fashel would not see what she did. Delmar stared at her with horror in his eyes.
"I don't want to trade back," he said. "I like knowing that I have you."
"Yes, but I don't want you to be able to do that to me," Ajalia explained. "I don't like that. I would rather be around you because I want to be. Plus, I just don't want to. So trade back."
Delmar looked terrified. Ajalia saw that he really was afraid, of something connected to marriage.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"But you'll leave me," Delmar said.
"Well, I haven't yet," Ajalia said.
"But you would, maybe," Delmar said. He sounded as though he thought she would turn and run away the second they had traded back, and Ajalia began to feel an interest in the conversation.
"Why are you afraid of me?" Ajalia asked.
"I'm not afraid of you," Delmar explained. "I'm afraid that you don't like me, because I'm awful to be around."
"You don't seem to have any problems when you're around other people anymore," Ajalia said. "So why are you acting as though you have problems when you're alone with me?"
"But we're not alone!" Delmar hissed, looking back again at Philas, and then turning anxiously to Ajalia.
"But they can't hear us talking," Ajalia said reasonably.
"I don't want you to get tired of me," Delmar said. "I'm annoying."
"No you aren't," Ajalia said.
"You're just saying that," Delmar snapped. "You thought I was annoying five minutes ago, when I said I didn't want to get married. And anyway," he added, "saying that I don't want to get married is not the same thing as actually not wanting to get married."
"Oh, really?" Ajalia asked. She was not trying to be rude; she thought that Delmar had meant what he had said.
"Of course I want to marry you," Delmar said, looking angry. "Who else is there?"
"Well, a lot of people just don't like getting married at all," Ajalia pointed out. Delmar stared at her.
"Who are those people?" he asked. Ajalia shrugged.
"I don't know," she said. "But there are people like that."
"Well, why wouldn't they want to get married?" Delmar asked.
"Why don't we keep talking about you and me?" Ajalia asked. Delmar's lips worked back and forth.
"I'm upset," Delmar said, "that you think I'm not interested in you." Ajalia closed her eyes. She told herself that she would not get angry. She told herself to be calm. She tried counting to ten, which didn't work, and then she turned to Delmar.
"Delmar," she said, trying to remain v
ery calm, "I'm angry that you expect me to not have any feelings when you say things that are actually hurtful." Delmar looked at her suspiciously. The horses' hooves clattered soothingly over the stones. Ajalia had found, when they had gone towards the gate of the city, and then through the blue barrier and into the quarry road that wound towards the road that split off towards Talbos, that Delmar rode his horse adequately enough. "You are not afraid of horses anymore," she added. Delmar shrugged. He seemed uninterested in his ability to sit on a horse.
"It's just a horse," Delmar said.
"Yes, and you didn't even want to sit on one before," Ajalia reminded him. Delmar frowned at her.
"Why does that have anything to do with getting married?" he asked sternly. His eyes flickered to the rotating ball of gold light that was still in Ajalia's palm. "I don't want to take that back," he added, a little sourly.
"Well, I want to be my own person again," Ajalia said.
"What if you can't do magic anymore?" Delmar asked quickly. Ajalia smiled.
"Then you will have to protect me from all the dangerous people, won't you?" she asked. Delmar glared at her.
"You're just trying to make me feel special and useful," he said accusingly, "so that you can get what you want."
"Is it going to work?" she asked. An irritated smile was tugging at Delmar's lips.
"Probably not," he said. "But I guess you can keep trying."
"You can trade back now," Ajalia said, "and then we'll find out if I can do any magic without your soul in me, which, by the way, I could do magic without you, because you said I had a white brand, and that was before you ever started licking me, or anything." Delmar smiled, and a flutter of heat turned over in Ajalia's stomach at the expression in his eyes. "Why do you change like this?" she demanded quietly. She looked back herself, to see if Fashel and Philas were still not paying attention to them. The pair had fallen a little further behind, and Fashel's eyes were fixed on her horse's ears, while Philas spoke earnestly to her. Ajalia recognized the expression on Philas's face; it was the way Delmar looked at her, when he was trying to convince her that he really loved her. A sigh rose up inside of Ajalia, and she pushed it down.
"I don't change," Delmar said.
"And," Ajalia added, "do you know that I like you? Are you aware of that?"
"Of course you like me," Delmar said, but his voice was guarded.
"Do you think I don't really love you?" Ajalia asked. She was surprised. Delmar shifted uncomfortably in his saddle.
"Let's go back to arguing about trading lights back," Delmar suggested. "I think you had a lot of interesting things to say about that. You had only just said the first thing."
"Why would I be spending all of this time with you," Ajalia asked, "and kissing you, and basically arranging my future around you, if I didn't care about you?" Delmar's face reddened.
"I don't know," he said.
"Well, I wouldn't if I didn't love you," Ajalia said. "I can't even help loving you. You're just perfect in every way. I like everything about you, except when you do this, and try to drive me away. I think you're doing it on purpose."
"No I'm not," Delmar said automatically, and he looked spooked.
AN AMICABLE TRADE
"I think you're hurting my feelings on purpose," Ajalia said soothingly, "because you have a low opinion of yourself, and you are afraid I am going to find out what you're really like inside." Delmar looked straight ahead at the road that ran up the gap between the mountains, and his expression was quite shattered. He looked as though he had been made of glass, and she had taken a small hammer and cracked him hard on the head. Ajalia thought, as she looked over at Delmar, that he looked as though he had been all but razed to bits inside of his heart, and she thought he felt as if he would never recover from the feeling of devastation that her words seemed to have triggered in him. "But I do like you," Ajalia said, "and I have liked you ever since I found out what you were like, and I think I know more about what you're like than you do."
Delmar glanced quickly at her, and then looked away.
"No you don't," he said finally.
"Why?" Ajalia asked. "Because you're a rotten person, and a terrible man, and you think I'm going to find out, and run away from you?" Delmar got a white, pinched look in his face. He looked swiftly at her, and then looked away. He nodded. His chin made a tiny wobble, and his lips were pressed down hard.
"Well," Ajalia said. "Let's talk about what makes you a good person or a bad person." The globe of golden light was still turning over slowly in her palm.
"You should put that away," Delmar said, his eyes going to the orb of light. "It's going to burn up your hand."
"No, it won't," Ajalia said, "and I still want to trade back."
"No you don't," Delmar said quickly. He looked nervous.
"Why not?" Ajalia asked. He scowled at her.
"Stop doing that thing!" he snapped.
"Doing what?" Ajalia asked peaceably.
"That thing where you ask me questions, and you stay all calm, and then it turns out that I'm just an idiot," Delmar said. He sounded quite resentful.
"It's not my fault that your father was a monster, and that your mother was a witch," Ajalia told him. "Would you really rather that I yelled and screamed at you, and stormed away fretfully?"
"No," Delmar said, "but I really don't think you care about me at all, when you're so calm."
"Staying calm helps me to keep from breaking things," Ajalia said. Delmar's mouth crimped up.
"You can't break anything," he pointed out. "You're sitting on a horse." Without moving, or changing her expression, Ajalia put a crackle of energy into the peak of a distant mountain. A sharp crack sounded over the air, and the tip of the mountain broke off, and tumbled loudly down the slopes of black rock. Delmar looked around at the sound. Philas and Fashel looked up as well. "What a coincidence," Delmar said, his eyes looking hollow. "You talked about breaking things, and then the mountain broke a little."
"How odd," Ajalia agreed. Delmar chewed on the inside of his cheeks for a moment.
"Could you show a little emotion?" he asked.
"How would I do that?" Ajalia asked. "You go around and hurt my feelings on purpose, so that you can prove to yourself what an awful guy you are. I fail to see how cooperating with your plan will help you to feel any better about yourself. It's a pointless exercise, because you're not an awful man."
"I am, too," Delmar said quickly, his eyes flashing suddenly with life. "I am an awful guy. I told you I was awful, and you just admitted it, because you said I was hurting your feelings on purpose, and then I was doing that, and that's an awful thing to do, so I win!" Delmar was breathing hard, and now Fashel and Philas were staring at him, but Delmar didn't notice. "I win, because I am a bad man, and now you know it, and yes, here, you can take your soul back now, because I won."
Delmar drew up a cluster of golden lights into his hand. He was faster at pulling the lights up than Ajalia was. She watched him carefully, trying to see if he was tricking her again, but his face looked flushed, and his eyes were honest. She thought that he meant it. When there was a long pool of gold in his hand, he dropped the reins, and reached his free hand, and the hand that shone with gold, out towards her.
"Trade," he said, and Ajalia put her free hand on the gold in his palm. She pushed the globe of gold that was in her other hand against his outstretched palm, and the light sank back into their respective skins. Ajalia's pile of gold was quite a bit smaller than Delmar's, since he had been sneaking chunks of himself into her for some time before she knew what he was doing, and since he had sponsored her. She had only given him a piece of her soul when he had asked her to marry him, so her part of magic got back into her skin quickly, and Delmar's was absorbing for some time.
"Well, hello," Ajalia said to Delmar, as they waited for his soul to sink back into his body. "They're staring at us, you know," she said, shrugging back towards Philas and Fashel.
"I don't care," Delmar
said. His skin was hot, and a sheen of light sweat was glistening at his temples. He looked like he had a fever. His body, Ajalia saw, when she looked inside of it, was taking in the gold he had put in her, and melding it into the places where the long rips had recently been in his whole body.
"I don't want you to kill yourself for me anymore," Ajalia told him, as the last drops of gold light sank from her hand into Delmar's palm. He caressed her fingers, and then let go of her hand, and picked up the reins.
"What do you mean?" he asked. Ajalia thought that he knew exactly what she meant.
"It isn't good for you, to be ripping your soul out like that," Ajalia said. "And it isn't really good for me, either," she added, "because then you're weak, and I have to think about protecting you. I like protecting you," she said, "but not when you would be perfectly capable of protecting yourself, if you would stop trying to shove your soul on me."
"But I like helping you," Delmar said, and she knew he was thinking of the way he had put the golden lights into the scars on her arms.
"It would have been better," she said, "and it will be better in the future, if you use the golden lights from inside of the earth. That is how I healed my arms, you know," she said, "and how I made you better. It is better for you to borrow light from the earth, than it is to take it out of yourself."
Delmar looked unconvinced. Philas and Fashel had begun to ride a little closer, and Delmar, though he did not glance back, frowned a little, and Ajalia knew he was frowning at the nearing sound of their horses' hooves.
"I like taking care of you," Delmar said again.
"But I don't like it when you make yourself sick and weak," Ajalia said. "What if I'm not with you, and you need yourself to be whole? What if you can't protect yourself, because you gave too much of yourself to me?"
"But that wouldn't happen," Delmar said. "And anyway, I took my soul back, so there's no point arguing about it. And of course we'll get married," he added, as though Ajalia had been arguing against it. She wanted to laugh at the expression on Delmar's face. "Why are you so happy?" Delmar demanded. "You're supposed to be hurt that I gave in. I keep trying to make you mad, and it doesn't work. Why isn't it working?" he demanded. The clop of horses' hooves was quite near behind them now, and Ajalia knew that Fashel and Philas could hear everything that they said.
