THIRTY-SIX
ALEAH
My short trip to London turned into a full three weeks journey around Europe. I told Aiden that once I got here I realized I wanted to stay and explore, but the truth is I was not ready to face him yet, so I stayed longer. The problem is I’m still not ready to face him.
It is true that I have always wanted to travel and see all of these places. And if it wasn’t for the gaping hole burning through my heart, I may have enjoyed the trip. But no matter where I’ve gone and what I’ve been doing, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the reason I left home.
I’ve had a lot to think about in the past few weeks. I’ve had to get real with myself and face some of my hardest fears. I realized after the first few days that Aiden’s mom’s words hurt so much because they hit too close to some of my deepest doubts and insecurities. I’ve always been concerned about the fact that Aiden and I come from such vastly different worlds.
When we’re together it’s easy to forget about our differences, because we get along so well. But I’ve spent enough time analyzing our situation in the past few days to realize that is because of Aiden’s unusual circumstances. Aiden was forced to live in my world in the past few months. He has not been living in his.
Of course being with Aiden when he lives in an average one bedroom apartment and drives a four thousand dollars car feels normal and comfortable to me. None of his wealthy and snobby friends want to be around him right now. But what happens when he leaves this temporary bubble and goes back to his luxurious lifestyle? Aiden is most likely the heir to the rest of David’s estate, making him a billionaire. As the heir to David’s estate and most probably the head of his company, he would be required to throw parties and attend the type of functions I will never feel comfortable at. His mom was right. I will hold him back. He needs someone that fits into this world and will enjoy being a part of it, not someone like me. The people who will surround him would never see me as anything other than a lowlife from the wrong side of tracks. Am I strong and confident enough to deal with that? Would I feel comfortable being a part of his life then? If I’m honest with myself, I know the answer to both of those questions is a resounding no.
If we had supportive families, maybe these issues would be manageable. But the fact that his family hates me so much and will never accept me only exacerbates our issues.
When I look at our situation logically, I realize that Aiden and I have been living in our own little world of fantasy. Now that I’ve been away from him and can think clearly, I see that fantasies don’t last. As much as it hurts my heart to admit that, I realize that it’s best to wake up from this dream now before we get any deeper into it. That’s why I stayed away from Aiden for these past few weeks and why I am now sitting in a hotel room by myself in New York City crying my eyes out, while Aiden is in L.A. waiting to hear from me.
Aiden has an appointment tomorrow at Lou’s law firm for another letter from David. In all likelihood, tomorrow’s letter will be the last one. This may be the appointment when Aiden finds out what his inheritance will be. I know how important this meeting is for Aiden. I’ve been with him to every single one of these appointments and I know how much it must hurt him to realize that I don’t plan on going to this one. But no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, I couldn’t make myself go.
I can’t go back and pretend like everything is normal and I can’t bring myself to talk to Aiden right before this meeting and ruin his day. I flew into New York City last night thinking that I will spend the next few days exploring this city before going back to L.A. and breaking the news to Aiden. But the weight of the decision I’ve made has been so heavy on my mind that I spent all day crying in my room today.
Just the thought of how Aiden must be feeling right now is enough to make me sob into my pillow again. I sent him an email a couple of days ago telling him that I plan on going back to L.A. next week. I didn’t mention anything about his meeting, hoping that he would think I forgot about it. I haven’t checked my email since, in fear of what maybe waiting for me there. I also haven’t turned my phone on since I got off the plane yesterday. I know Aiden will be blowing it off as soon as it is on, and I just don’t have the heart for it.
The thought that I’m hurting this extraordinary man who has been everything to me in the last year breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces. The idea that I will have to leave him destroys me. I know I will never love another man the way I love him and I doubt anyone would ever love me with the same devotion and intensity that Aiden does. But it seems sometimes love is just not enough.
As my mind keeps going back to how Aiden must be feeling right now, my fingers start hovering on the on button for my phone. I hold myself back knowing that my impending conversation with Aiden will be painful. But as the minutes turn the late afternoon hour into the evening and my longing keeps increasing, I finally relent and turn the phone on with trembling fingers.
My phone has been on for no more than a couple of minutes, before it starts ringing. Seeing Aiden’s name flash on my screen shoots up such a sudden burst of pain in my chest that breathing becomes difficult. I stare at my screen through the haze of my tears and feel my heart being shattered into a million pieces. I have to fist my hands so tightly my knuckles turn white to hold myself back from answering the phone. As soon as the ringing stops, I bury my face in the pillow to dampen the sounds of my cries and weep.
The pull I feel towards Aiden is so strong that my entire being screams with pain. Why does life have to be so cruel, I ask myself? Why would the universe bring him into my life and show me how incredible life with him can be, when we can’t be together? I cry so hard that my chest explodes in pain and my lungs find it difficult to get air in. I start coughing from the force of my sobs, struggling to breathe. When the coughs subside, I still cry. I weep until my eyes are swollen shut and my body is too weak to move. I finally collapse on the bed then, and succumb to a numbness only sleep can provide.
I wake up with a familiar sound but I can’t place the source. Is that my alarm clock I wonder? I start feeling around with my fingers until I think my fingers have found it. I pick up my phone and in my sleepy daze press the button I think is the snooze button. Aiden’s voice comes through the phone and immediately jolts me awake.
“Hello? Aleah? Are you there?”
My stomach flips and my chest tightens, as his voice registers in my brain. I hold my head in my hands as I realize I can’t get out of talking to him now. My lips tremble as I force them to form a word. “I’m here,” I finally say.
“Thank God. Aleah, baby, where are you? What’s going on?” His voice is laced with trepidation and pain and the mere sound of it makes my heart ache.
“I’m in New Year City.”
“New York City? What are you doing there?”
“Exploring the city. I was on my way back to L.A., but I’ve always wanted to visit New York.”
He is quiet for a few seconds and I can only imagine what he is thinking.
“Aleah, do you know what day tomorrow is?” he finally asks.
I take a deep breath, as I try to force my lips to form a lie. “I…I don’t…”
“Don’t make yourself lie to me. I know that you remember.”
I can’t say anything to that, so I just bite my lips to hold the tears at bay.
“What is going, Aleah? What the hell kind of game are you playing?” he yells into the phone. I’m taken back by the tone of his voice.
“I’m not playing any games, Aiden. I just can’t be there tomorrow.”
“Why the hell not?”
“I can’t have this conversation with you over the phone… Please… I’ll be there next week and I will explain everything to you.”
“Where are you right now?”
“I told you, I’m in New York.”
“Which part?”
“Manhattan.”
“I’m taking the next plane up.”
“Do
n’t be stupid, Aiden. You have a meeting tomorrow.”
“I don’t care about the damn meeting.”
“Don’t say that. I know that you do. You’ve been waiting for this for almost a year. Of course, you care about it.”
“Not as much as I care about you… Either tell me what’s going on or I’ll blow off the meeting.”
I take a trembling breath and try to think of the best way to tell him. Realizing that there is no good way to break this to him, I decide to jump in. “Aiden, us…this relationship is not going to work.”
“What?”
“Wait. Please hear me out before you say anything.” And I force my lips to form the words and sentences that make my heart bleed. I tell him why we can’t be together, and explain all the reasons why it won’t work. I beg him to understand, and to not make this harder than it has to be. I finish apprehensively, knowing that his reaction might shatter me.
I’m so overcome with emotion by the time I’m done, that my whole body starts shaking. I gulp for air and wait nervously for his response. He takes a long time to say anything. When he finally does, his only response is “I have to go. I can’t sit here and listen to this.” He hangs up the phone before I have a chance to say anything else.
I sit there motionless and speechless at his reaction. To say that his response baffles me is an understatement. Ever since I decided to break up with him, I’ve been thinking about and dreading Aiden’s reaction to the news. Never in my life did I imagine that he would respond this way.
I drop my phone on the bed and lean my head back against the headrest. I should be relieved that he took the news so well and didn’t try to argue with me, but instead I feel devastated. Did he even care about me, I start to wonder? Or is he so tired of all the drama in my life that he’s happy he doesn’t have to deal with me anymore? Is this really it for us? The thought suddenly terrifies me. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life, I start to ask myself?
A wave of confusion and self-loathing washes over me as I go over the conversation we just had. I wanted this, I tell myself. Then why is it that I feel so broken inside, my heart asks. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to make my mind go blank. I need to feel numb, but my wounds are too raw and my pain is too palpable. I feel like hurting myself, feel like drinking till my eyes blur, anything to make the pain go away. Then my eyes fall on the scars on my body left behind by Imran’s knife and I remember everything I’ve gone through during the past year. If I was able to overcome all of that, I can do this too. I have to pull it together, before I lose myself to the pain. So I burry my sorrow, hide my pain, and force my body to go to sleep.
It takes a long time for sleep to come. I toss and turn till the early hours of morning, but finally at some point my body shuts down the trail of my troubled thoughts and sleep takes over.
It feels like I have just fallen asleep when a soft thumping sound wakes me up. At first, I think I must be dreaming, but when the sound persists and gets louder, I finally open my eyes and sit up in bed. I have to take a look at my surroundings for a few seconds to remember where I am. When I do, my eyes follow the source of the sound. It’s the door, I realize. Someone’s knocking on the door. I look at the alarm clock and notice that it’s four in the morning.
Panic pricks my skin as I think about who might be at my door at this hour. I make my way slowly to the door.
“Who is it?” I ask softly.
“Please open the door, Aleah.”
The voice makes my stomach flip.
I open the door slowly, not believing my ears, to gaze upon the most gorgeous lips I’ve ever seen. The sight of him makes my soul cry out in joy at the same time as it makes my heart bleed in pain.
“Aiden, what are you…?”
He doesn’t let me finish my sentence, before he pulls me into his arms and crashes his lips to mine.
His lips are demanding and angry.
He kisses me with all the pent up energy of our time spent apart; with the fury of my words on his mind; and with a sense of urgency.
And I can’t help but to respond to every touch of his lips and every stroke of his tongue.
The taste of his lips and the feel of his tongue have me intoxicated and losing all my senses in a matter of seconds. I melt into his embrace and reach up to wrap my arms around his neck as he deepens the kiss. His touch robs me of my ability to think. It’s not until he carries me to the bed and slowly lowers me on it that my mind snaps back to reality.
I try to pull away, but he just tightens his hold. I push hard against his chest.
“Stop, Aiden. Please stop.”
“Don’t do this, Aleah.” He sounds as if he’s physically in pain.
“Don’t do what? I told you we can’t be together, Aiden. Why are you here?”
“If you think we can’t be together, then what the hell was that kiss? Don’t tell me you didn’t feel that, because I know you did.” He snaps.
I feel a sharp pain shoot up my chest, when I see the pained and angry look in his eyes.
“That has never been the issue, Aiden. I never said that I didn’t want you or didn’t love you. I’ll always love you, but sometimes that’s not enough.”
“That’s bullshit,” he yells back.
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not? Why can I not call bullshit when I see it?”
“Aiden, don’t…”
“No, you listen to me. You made me listen to half an hour of your horseshit excuses and reasons. Now it’s your turn to listen.” He has never been this furious with me. I take a look at his angry expression and decide to shut my mouth and listen.
“None of the reasons you gave me for us not being able to be together make any sense. If you told me you didn’t love me or didn’t want me in your life, I’d abide by your wishes and walk away. As fucking hard as that would be, I would do it for you. But when you say, we can’t be together because you don’t fit into my life, I call that bullshit. We’ve been together for almost a year. We’ve gone through hell and back together, and I’ve stood by you through thick and thin. Now you come and tell me that you don’t fit into my world, because you think I’m going to go back to the life I had before I met you. Honestly, that hurts. I was hoping you would give me more credit than that. Grandpa just had me spend one whole damn year going through all these so called experiences to change my perspective. Do you think none of that meant anything to me? If you truly think that after everything that’s happened in the last year, I want to go back to living in that world and I prefer that to being with you, then you don’t know me at all.”
“I’m not saying you want to, Aiden. But you’re going to get dragged into it. It comes with the territory. When you get that kind of money and the positions that come with it, you’ll just get pulled into it. ”
“If that’s what you’re worried about, then I won’t accept the money. Better yet, we’ll go there tomorrow, and however much they give me I donate it to the Foundation right then.”
“No! I don’t want you to do that for me. You’ll end up hating me for it in a few years.”
He grabs my face in his hands, fixating his gaze into my eyes, so I feel the emotion behind every word he’s about to tell me.
“You don’t understand, baby... I can’t live without you. You’re the air I breathe. You’re all my hopes and my dreams. These past few weeks without you were hell for me. You worry about not fitting into my world, but you are my world. I refuse to live without you. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure that not only do you fit into my world, but that my world is yours. If that means giving up the money, I’ll do it in a heartbeat and as long as you’re by my side, I guarantee I won’t regret it. I don’t want to go back to the world I was living in before. I want to make a new world with you. We can make it anyway we want it to be.”
“What about your family, Aiden? They will always come between us.”
“No, they won’t. The people that disrespect and insult you are not my famil
y. I’ve already cut all my ties with my mom.”
“No, Aiden. I don’t want you to do that for me. She’s your mom. I don’t want you to lose her over me.”
“Aleah, she hasn’t been my mom since I was ten years old. I lost my mom a long time ago, and it had nothing to do with you. I’m done with her. Even if we don’t stay together, I won’t have anything more to do with her. I already told her that unless and until she proves to me that she’s been clean for a year and she has genuinely changed, I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. I realized after I had this last conversation with her that sometimes you just have to accept that some people are lost causes and let them go. My mom is too old to change. So are both of my uncles. I had conversations with them too. They just don’t get anything I say to them. They live in a completely different world and it’s not one I want anything to do with. I know family is important to you, but having a family doesn’t mean that everyone who shares your DNA has to be in it. My sister, Andrea, likes you a lot. So do Uncle Tom’s kids. We need to focus on the new generation. We’ll make our own family, and we’ll include the people we love in it.”
Hearing him talk about making a family with me makes butterflies come to life in my stomach. Hope begins soaring in my heart, but my fear and insecurities hold back its flight.
“But what if your mom is right? What if I hold you back in life?”
His expression changes from tenderness to furious in a matter of seconds.
“Don’t ever say that. My mom has rarely ever been right in her life, and she most probably is not right about this. How could you ever hold me back, when ever since I met you, you’ve pushed me into being a better man? You make me want to be better and do better just to deserve being with you. You don’t hold me back, baby. You make me soar.”
Redeeming Love (Resilient Hearts #2) Page 24
