A sheepish look settled on Lil’s face. “No, I turned it off.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “I figured you didn’t want to talk to me.”
Walt stepped farther into the room toward Lil. His overalls leg brushed against an overstuffed chair.
“I think you have that turned around. You don’t seem to want to talk to me.”
Lil pushed past her counter and stepped into her kitchenette, busying herself at the sink. But from what Walt could tell, she was doing nothing—no water ran, no dishes sat, the sink looked clean.
“Aren’t you mad at me?”
“I was. Never could tolerate a liar.” Walt shrugged, though Lil stood with her back to him.
“But I didn’t…” Lil’s head snapped up. Spinning around, she glared at Walt.
“Yes, you did, Lil. I’d have rather heard about your protest days and disrespect to soldiers from your lips than Sandy’s.”
“Right, knowing how Nancy treated you…” Lil’s voice trailed off and a vacancy clouded her green eyes.
“That was years ago, and although her rejection and disgusting accusations hurt, at least she was being honest with her feelings. Something you aren’t even doing now.”
Walt’s anger returned, pushing the ache of missing Lil aside.
“I had you pegged all wrong. You’re no different than Nancy.” Walt pointed a finger at Lil. Had she been closer, he might have poked her with it or knocked the chip off of her shoulder.
“Somehow you came to the conclusion I was a different person than I was, am.” Lil flexed her fingers rapidly before fisting her hands.
The heat of Walt’s anger dropped from a boil to a simmer. She was right. He did assume they shared the same political viewpoints.
She lifted her fists to her hips. “I never said that I was different than Nancy.”
“That’s the problem, Lil; you never said anything.” What could he do or say to get this stubborn woman to talk about what was standing between them, their love, their future? Being a protestor might be part of it, but it wasn’t all of it.
Lil turned and stared out a sliver of a window. Silence encompassed the room.
A frustrated growl rumbled low in Walt’s throat. He turned to leave; then he saw it.
“You finished the quilt?” He walked over to the couch and lifted a corner of the Rose of Sharon quilt.
“Just the top.”
Lil pulled the fabric from the back of the sofa. Holding two corners, she lifted her arms high and held the completed work of art like a stage curtain.
“It’s beautiful.” Just like Lil was. “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!” He’d always liked the Song of Songs but never fully understood the meaning of the verses until now.
“Thank you. And thank you for helping me make it.” Lil folded the quilt top with the patterned blocks out. “I know it’s not your definition of manly, but it sure helped me move along with my project. I figured the least I could do is finish it so you could see it before I left.”
A pang of loneliness shot through Walt, the force so strong it threatened his balance. He grasped hold of the corner of the wall. The small ache of missing Lil for a few days magnified with the knowledge that she’d be leaving for good.
“Lil, don’t go. Stay here. You know how I feel.”
Her eyes swam with regret when she met his gaze. “I can’t. I’m not the person you think I am. I’ll just disappoint you. I’ve already disappointed you.”
Steady now, Walt stepped toward Lil, removing the folded quilt from her hands, resting it on the couch. “Lil, we’re not getting any younger. The last five weeks have been the happiest of my life. Even when I found you exasperating, you still made me feel alive and vital.”
The corners of Lil’s mouth trembled, threatening a grin. “I could say the same about you.”
“I know.” Walt nodded and squeezed her hands. “Lil, I love you. I want you to stay. To be my wife. To make a life with me.”
Walt tugged Lil close, and for a few moments her warmth seeped into him, easing his pain.
Then she pushed away. “I do love you, Walt. And I’ve daydreamed like a silly schoolgirl of what it’d be like to be your wife. But my past mistakes won’t let me go. I’ve filed your case report. I’ve received my dismissal paperwork. I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”
Walt sucked in his upper lip. He’d experienced pain, but none as extreme as Lil’s piercing words. He turned and went to the door.
“Do you need my help?”
He snorted and turned around. “No, I need you, Lil. Why do you have to leave? Is someone waiting for you in Texas?”
Her eyes widened, obviously shocked by the firmness in his accusation. “No.”
“Then tell me what you’re running from. You keep saying your past. You were a war protestor. Big deal. Lots of people were. It was a turbulent time. I’m pretty sure that they moved forward in their lives though.” His broken heart was controlling his mouth and setting his course as he turned and closed the distance he’d just put between them.
“Tell me, Lil, what on earth did you do that was so bad you can’t say it out loud to the man who loves you?”
Walt placed his hands on her shoulders and bent his head so that, with her tipped-head stance, he could look her in the eye. “I told you the horrible thing I did to get a man killed. Your story can’t be that bad.”
Her lashes fluttered but she didn’t close her eyes. Deep creases furrowed her forehead and she frowned. “It is that bad, Walt, because it’s the same. I killed a man.”
Lil grabbed Walt’s upper arms to steady him when he wobbled at her admission. His face paled at the same time his expression went blank.
“Let’s sit down.”
With a small shake of his head, Walt recovered, straightening to his full height. He ran his hand down her arm. Delightful warmth trailed behind it. His fingers found then clasped hers and he led her two steps to the couch.
“It’s not at all what you thought, is it?” With her free hand Lil rubbed the slick fabric that covered her thigh, but didn’t attempt to stop the nervous bouncing of her legs.
This was hard. But Walt deserved to know why she couldn’t stay and be his wife. She could love him. Would love him for the rest of her life even though she couldn’t stay and be his wife.
Of course, once he learned the truth, he wouldn’t want her to be his wife.
Walt rubbed his forehead. Confusion danced through his eyes. “Did you kill someone at a protest?”
“Heavens, no! I didn’t really kill him, but my past did.”
His face contorted as he tried to understand what she was telling him.
How could Walt make sense of it all when she didn’t understand her own words?
“Let me start from the beginning. In college, my roommate and I became very political and participated in or organized many protests.”
“I understand that part.”
“After I graduated, I was sent to a veterans hospital, of all places, for my student nursing. So here I was, a protestor in a veterans hospital and one of my patients was an injured…”
“Vietnam vet?” Walt pulled his lips to the side and gave his head a shake.
“Yes. He’d been hurt when someone stepped on a land mine. They amputated his leg overseas but put him in the hospital for other injuries. He was young and handsome.”
Lil allowed her heart to remember and revel in that shiny, happy first-love joy. She sighed and smiled.
“You fell in love.” Walt touched his palm to her cheek and she leaned into his warmth.
“We did. The seasoned nurses warned me that a lot of soldiers coming home fell in love with their nurses, but…” Lil shrugged. “I knew our love was different. What did old people know about love anyway?”
Walt chuckled at the face she pulled.
She moved his hand from her cheek, laid it on his thigh, and patted it before she laced her fingers in her lap. What ca
me next was hard, and she didn’t need the distraction of Walt’s touch.
“He had nightmares.” Her knowing eyes looked at Walt.
“It’s a sad fact, but most of us do.”
Lil pressed her fingers together hard, reddening her knuckles.
“His weren’t about the enemy or the gunfire or the battles. They were about what he’d seen soldiers do when they cracked under pressure or fear.”
Sympathy moisture filled her eyes when she saw Walt’s watery eyes.
“That’s when I realized how wrong I was to protest the soldiers. I had no idea what they’d been through, seen, heard. I had no idea how haunting and disturbing it was. I had no idea how the names I called them piled additional guilt on their heads like burning coals.”
Silence overtook the room, the only communication between Lil and Walt their gaze, which neither of them broke. Though moisture brimmed in Walt’s eyes, his love for her still shone through.
Larry’s hate was easier to deal with. Walt’s unconditional love unnerved her because she didn’t deserve it. Lil shifted a little on the sofa cushion.
Walt reached for her but she leaned away like a wary kitten from a helping hand.
“As days turned to months, we found that we had so much in common that we couldn’t help but fall in love. After several surgeries, Larry was healing. His prognosis looked promising and he proposed.”
A single tear trickled down Lil’s cheek as Larry’s hospital-bed proposal played through her memory. “I accepted.” She swiped the tear away. “But then I felt we needed to be honest with each other.”
She raised her eyebrows and lifted her shoulders in a long, sad shrug. “That’s where it all went wrong.”
“Lil…”
Walt shifted and reached his arms out to her. She wanted nothing more than to fall into them, feel their comfort, draw strength from them, but she’d given in to that impulse one too many times with Walt.
Lil scooted closer to the love seat arm, hoping Walt read the pleading in her eyes. “Don’t. I need to finish.” Her ragged breath vibrated through her chest, shaking her shoulders.
“So he didn’t react well when you told him that you were a protestor.” Dropping his arms, Walt rested his hands against the dark denim of his overalls.
Though the expression on his face changed subtly, the love in his eyes never wavered, making her confession even harder. If only they’d flash with hate now, the rest of the story would be so much easier to tell.
“He ranted on and on about how people like me were ungrateful to the men keeping them safe, while the men were losing their lives or limbs in a foreign land. He beat his fists on the mattress, he was so frustrated he couldn’t move. He asked for his ring back.”
Lil paused and contemplated the toes of her worn sneakers as she gathered her emotions to finish. Surprisingly, it was getting easier.
“I didn’t give it back right away. I thought he’d cool off and realize how much he loved me. I mean, love can conquer all, right?” The sardonic laugh gurgled out, echoing through the trailer.
“Lil, it can.”
Leveling Walt with the most skeptical look she could muster, Lil cleared her throat.
“After a week, I finally took the ring off and laid it on the bed tray. I asked to be reassigned to a different ward or at least a different section of that ward but student nurses don’t hold much weight with a seasoned head nurse. So day after day, I had to bedside nurse Larry while he called me all the names protestors shouted at him.”
Nerves bounced her right leg to the beat of her pounding heart. “One morning I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d had enough. I’d apologized to him, told him I’d changed my mind and ways but I also couldn’t erase what I’d done. He spat out that he’d never forgive me and neither would God.”
“That’s just not true, Lil. God forgives…”
Lil managed a weak smile at Walt’s jumping to her and God’s defense. “I asked him to stop calling me names. I laid his safety razor and mirror on his bed tray, filled a small washpan with water, and said I’d be right back to clean up the mess. Of course, I said it in quite a different tone and volume.”
The pounding in her chest and ears grew louder and her head began to ache. “I didn’t go right back. Instead I went outside to cool off. I still loved him, you know,” she said, her voice lower in volume until it trailed off into a whisper.
“After fifteen minutes, I went back inside, intending to apologize. He was sick in body and I found out as soon as I entered his room, in spirit, too.” Emotion shook her voice as the memory of that day made her hands tremble.
She turned water-filled eyes to Walt. “I messed up. I shouldn’t have left him alone. I should have stayed and made sure he used that razor blade for what it was intended.”
All the shame and blame of that day lifted from her shoulders as soon as the words left her lips.
When Walt’s strong arms wrapped around her, pulling her to his side, he held her tight. Lil didn’t pull away, but leaned into him, letting his warmth and love seep into her, making her feel safe. She lifted her arms, hands closing on Walt’s forearm like she’d hold a bar for a chin-up, and squeezed.
“Lil, none of that was your fault.” Walt’s voice was tender yet stern. “You need to forgive yourself.”
She nodded against his arm, the rough divots of his thermal shirt scratching across her face.
“I think we should pray.” Walt kissed the top of her head.
Chapter 12
Lil, I don’t understand why you can’t stay.” Walt stood beside her pickup while she checked the fifth wheel connection to make sure it was secure.
“For the last time, we need some space to make sure this is the real thing, not false feelings that grew just because we were stuck together.” She stepped over the connection and sidled up to Walt.
The rolling gray clouds threatened to start dumping snow on them at any minute.
“My feelings aren’t phony. They are real.” Walt’s words huffed out in puffs of vapor hanging in the air a minute before disappearing. He entwined his hand with hers.
“It’s only six months. I’ll be back by Easter.” Lil flipped up the collar of her coat to keep the wind from breezing down her back. “You don’t have very good weather for your Veterans Day parade.”
“We’ve marched down the street in snow before. Can’t you at least stay through today?”
Shaking her head, Lil pursed her lips. “That’d only make it harder.”
“Good.” Walt pulled her into a side hug and kissed the top of her stocking cap.
“I’m making one more check inside the camper to be sure everything is secured; then it’s good-bye.” Her last words whispered from her lips. Walt thought this was easy for her, but it wasn’t. She just wanted to be sure this time. Walt needed time to consider all that she’d told him. He may have a change of heart without all the happiness of love fuzzing his thoughts.
“All right. I have some snacks in the house for you. I’ll go get them.”
Walt slammed the passenger door closed as Lil exited the camper door. Minutes later, package stored in the passenger seat, he met her beside the driver’s side door.
“I hope you miss me.”
His hand tremored and Lil suspected it didn’t have much to do with the below-freezing temperatures.
She wrapped her gloved hand around his bare one. “I’m already missing you.”
“Then stay.” Walt pulled her into a tight embrace. “My feelings aren’t going to change.” He held her at arm’s length and looked into her eyes. The intense emotion that shone from them touched her deep within her soul. Her heart cried, “Stay,” but she planned to follow her head this time.
“Six months isn’t that long. We can talk on the phone, e-mail—”
“Miss three holidays together,” Walt protested. “If you stay, then we won’t have to feel like the fifth wheel anymore.”
It was getting too hard. Lil took a step fo
rward and cupped Walt’s face in her hands. “I’ll miss you and I love you. I know you don’t agree, but this short separation is for the best. It’ll give us some time and space to figure out our feelings.”
“I don’t have to—”
Lil touched her lips to Walt’s, stopping him mid-sentence. Her heart swelled with love as Walt returned her kiss.
“I love you, too.” Walt’s voice was thick and husky as he held her tight, running his fingers through the hair sticking out of the back of her stocking cap.
Lil pushed away. She pointed to the sky. “I’d better get started.”
She walked to the pickup, ignoring her heart’s urging to look back. The pickup roared to life and she pulled around the small circle of the driveway where Walt stood, his one hand held up in a wave.
She avoided looking out her side mirrors until she was on the interstate heading south. She hoped she was doing the right thing. A few weeks wasn’t a long enough time to fall in love. She was doing the right thing, wasn’t she?
Lil rubbed her chest where her heart ached. After a few miles she hoped that pain would subside. Usually she was giddy with excitement for her trip to Texas, but today not so much. Maybe it’s just the damp, dismal weather making me feel this way.
“And the truth will set you free.”
The irony in her thoughts brought out a smile. “It’s not the weather. It’s leaving Walt.”
She put her hand down on the bench seat and brushed the corner of cardboard. She glanced over at the three-by-two-foot box. How many snacks did Walt think she needed? Had he packed food in case she was caught in a blizzard?
Lil flipped open a long and short flap of the lid and put her hand to feel around for what Walt had packed. Tissue paper rustled and her hand sank into something soft. A pillow?
She tried to peer into the box while she drove, but all she could see was tissue paper. She patted across the paper, the package’s contents still soft. She tried lifting it with one hand, but it was too heavy and awkward.
Curiosity getting the best of her, Lil signaled to take the approaching exit. She slowed on the off ramp then checked her mirrors. No one was behind her, so at the stop sign she pushed the gear into PARK.
Dakota Love Page 44
