We’ll talk about all this more when the time gets closer.
With much love,
Dad
She sighed again in frustration. Like everyone else, he seemed intent on putting her off. But he didn’t know her well enough—she would not be discouraged so easily. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she longed to make this trip.
Mom and Daddy had been cautiously in favor of her plan—until she told them that she wanted to go before the end of the school term. Until she told them that she wanted to stay indefinitely. Then they were adamantly against it.
“That would be foolish, Nattie,” Daddy said. “You’d be throwing away a whole semester of college.”
Mom agreed, adding, “Besides, I don’t think you realize the danger involved, honey. You don’t just hop on a plane and you’re there. Even in the best of circumstances, it’s a rough trip through dangerous territory.”
Evan, too, though he claimed to support the idea of her going, did not approve of her timing. Even Grandma and Grandpa Camfield and Aunt Betsy—whom she’d thought would be 100 percent on her side—encouraged her to get her degree first, or at the very least finish the semester and wait to go in the summer. She understood the concerns they all had. She knew that it seemed foolish to waste a semester that was already paid for. But something stronger than a mere desire to see her father was pushing her toward this destiny. She had prayed about all the advice she was getting. She didn’t want to do something foolish, and still she felt that there was some reason that she must go.
Unbidden, Natalie’s thoughts turned to Sara, and a battle began in her mind. The happy memories of the friendship she and Sara had shared warred with the memories of the accident and its aftermath. As always, the good memories quickly turned bittersweet in the fray, and a painful twist in the pit of her stomach proved her guilt. Long forgiven, yes, but never forgotten. “Forgotten” was a joke. She might have played along at the game that everyone seemed so set on playing—pretending that the tragedy was over, that they had all healed from the damage she’d done. But she knew the truth. They might have forgiven her—truly forgiven. But no one would ever forget. Ever.
The doorbell relieved her of the troubling thoughts. She glanced at the clock on her computer and gasped. It was six o’clock! She had promised Evan she’d go to dinner with him, and here she sat still in her rumpled jogging pants, her hair a mess.
She raced to the bathroom, yanked a hairbrush through the tangled curtain of hair, ran back to the door, and opened it.
Evan took one look at her and made a face that said, I knew you wouldn’t be ready on time.
She made a visor of her hand and hid her eyes behind it. “I’m sorry,” she whimpered, trying to appease him. “I was on the computer, and I completely lost track of time.” Her voice gained steam as she made her excuses. “But I got an e-mail from Dad, and I had to answer it.”
He looked at her, and she could tell he was mildly amused but not buying her explanations.
“Give me five minutes, and I’ll be out the door. I’m more ready than I look. Really.”
He just stood in the doorway and shook his head, as though she were a hopeless case. She planted a penitent kiss on his cheek, took his arm, and escorted—or rather dragged—him to the sofa. He fell onto the cushions and took a pose that said he expected to be there awhile. She opened a magazine and placed it on his lap—never mind it was the new issue of Today’s Christian Woman—and raced back to the bedroom to change clothes and freshen her makeup.
When Natalie had not appeared after ten minutes, Evan put the magazine down and wandered through the large combination living-dining-kitchen area. Natalie’s computer sat on an old desk at one end of the dining area. He didn’t really intend to pry, but the e-mail was right there on the screen and difficult to ignore. Only part of the letter was visible, but Evan read Nathan Camfield’s words. It seemed Natalie was more determined than ever to make this crazy trip to South America. He and Natalie had argued about it for two weeks. In fact, it was all they’d talked about since she first got this crazy bug in her ear.
He went back into the living room and paced back and forth on the worn green carpeting, his growing impatience caused by more than Natalie’s tardiness for their dinner date.
He sighed. He truly didn’t have anything against her going to see her father, at least for a short visit. But she seemed intent on something longer. It seemed ridiculous to go now. What was her rush? Maybe, if things went as he hoped, she’d be ready to settle down then. If he was established in a good job, maybe they could get married. They could visit Colombia together then.
She had been right when she told him that there was no way she would graduate a year from May. But if she didn’t blow it, she might make it by the following December.
His own career plans had been carefully thought out, and he was right on schedule to achieve them. He didn’t appreciate her throwing this wrench in the plan. He knew what he wanted in life, and he’d worked hard for it. As much as he loved Natalie, she sometimes frustrated him to distraction.
But he was a soft touch where Natalie Camfield was concerned, and he had to admit that none of what he wanted in life would be worth it without her at his side. He just didn’t like her forcing his hand this way.
She punctuated his thoughts by appearing in the doorway, looking beautiful as ever. Her hair swung just above her shoulders like a glossy yellow silk curtain, and her skin glowed from a fresh scrubbing. She had changed into a pair of olive corduroys and his favorite sweater. He knew at that moment that he was a goner. He would never be able to deny this woman anything.
She had turned his life upside down for more than a decade now—ever since she’d walked into their fifth-grade classroom at Bristol Elementary and stolen the stubby No. 2 pencil off his desk. She’d stolen more than a pencil that day—she’d stolen his heart. And in the loving, they’d both healed from the wounds of their shared tragedy.
Yet Natalie seemed so restless lately. He couldn’t seem to fill her longings the way he had at first. He didn’t seem to be enough for her anymore.
“Are you going to be mad at me all night?” Natalie’s affected pout jerked him to the present, and he realized she’d been standing there for a while.
“What? No … no, I can’t ever be mad at you for very long.”
“Just not speaking to me?” she asked, her head cocked coyly.
He shook his head like a dog trying to shake off a bath. “Sorry. I was … I was thinking.”
“About?”
“Nothing you need to worry your pretty head about.” He went to the door and held it open for her. “Ready?”
She gave him a strange look but went down the stairs ahead of him.
They were both quiet on the way to the restaurant. They ate at a corner table, making small talk, but when the waitress cleared away their dishes and brought coffee, Natalie said, “So, are you going to tell me what has you so pensive tonight, Mr. Greenway?”
“I’ve been thinking about us.”
A flicker of worry crossed her face. “Judging by the look on your face, I’d say they weren’t necessarily good thoughts.”
Suddenly it seemed the right thing to do. He took a deep breath and plunged in. “I don’t think I appreciate you enough, Natalie.”
Her face was a mask of bewilderment. “Appreciate me?”
He reached across the table and took her hand. “I don’t tell you often enough how much you mean to me, how much I love you.”
She smiled. “Oh, Evan. That’s so sweet. I love you too.”
“Natalie, I’ve just assumed you’d always be there for me, assumed you’d always love me. But lately when you talk about going to be with your dad, going half a world away, to the most dangerous place on earth—well, it’s made me think about some things.”
His heart was beating a hundred miles an hour, and the restaurant suddenly felt like an oven. He pulled his chair closer to the table and leaned his head t
oward hers. Squeezing her hand, he looked into her eyes. “Natalie Camfield, I love you. And I want to marry you.”
“Evan—” There was disbelief in her voice. He wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.
He held up a warning hand. “I know we both have to finish school and there’s a lot to consider financially. But if you’re going to be running around with guerrillas and poisonous snakes and”—he shrugged—“whatever else is out there, well, I just want you to know where you stand with me. I love you, and I want you in my future more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.”
“Oh, Evan. I— I do love you. But I’m not sure …” She stared at her plate.
His heart seemed to quit beating while he waited for her to finish.
Finally she looked up and there were tears in her eyes. “Evan. I don’t know what to say. There’s something I haven’t told you … something I’m not sure I even knew until now …”
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t even know how to explain it.”
“Try.” He somehow knew that what came next was going to hurt him deeply.
She took a deep breath. “Evan, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this yet. I need some time. I’m so sorry, but there are some things going on in my head that I have to figure out before I can even think about marriage.”
“What kind of things? What are you trying to say, Natalie?”
“I promise we’ll talk this out, but I have to think about what I want out of life. I have to pray about it.”
He spread his hands in a gesture of dismay. “I tell you I love you and that I want to marry you. You’re evading the question— It’s obvious you don’t feel the same about me as I do for you.” He took out his wallet and dug out a twenty and slapped it on the table. Never mind the change. He pushed the chair back and grabbed his coat off the back of it.
Natalie scrambled for her coat and purse and followed him out of the restaurant, calling his name. “Evan, please. I’m sorry. Evan … wait.”
He kept on walking.
Twenty–Six
They drove through the dark in complete silence. Though Natalie knew she had hurt Evan’s feelings, she also knew that voicing her thoughts would only make things worse.
He pulled into the driveway at her apartment, but he made no move to turn off the ignition.
“I’m sorry, Evan. I … I know I just blurted things out that I shouldn’t have. I wish I could make you underst—”
He put a hand on her arm. “Hey, we both said some things we shouldn’t have. Maybe we both just need to go home and pretend this night never happened.” He immediately looked remorseful. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. But I guess— Well, we need to think things through, pray about things. We’ll talk later, okay?”
She nodded, but a deep sadness came over her. She knew that over the last few weeks, something had changed between them. Or maybe she was the one who had changed. Whatever it was, she wasn’t sure they would ever be the same.
She let herself into the apartment and threw her purse on the desk. Amy was on the phone, but she waved a tacit greeting. Natalie pillowed her head on her hands, indicating that she was going to bed.
She showered, put on her warmest pajamas, and climbed under the quilts on her bed. But nothing could ward off the chill in her heart. Poor Evan. She’d been so unfair to him. He had proposed, and all she could do was give him a lame answer about some mysterious thing that she wasn’t even sure of herself.
But Evan’s declaration of love had frightened her. He had forced her to finally admit to herself what she’d known deep in her heart for some time now.
She was going to Colombia.
And not just for a visit. She wanted to live there with her father, to work among the Timoné people, to make a difference. She had spent too many years feeling that the only difference she’d made in people’s lives was a horrific one—one that had taken away a daughter, a sister, a friend. Forever. Too much of these past few years had been lived in regret for one mistake that could never be undone. But she had the rest of her life to make up for what she’d caused. Nothing before had ever been enough. She’d done her time in jail. She’d done her community service, but that had been no sacrifice on her part. In fact, she’d enjoyed the work at the childcare center immensely. She’d done what she could to set things right with Sara’s family. And that, too, had backfired and ended up being a blessing to her. Except Jon—he had seen through her, and deservedly so. Now she had a chance to truly make a sacrifice that meant something. To give her whole life over to a mission of eternal consequence.
She thought about how she would break the news to Evan. What would this mean for them?
Tears came to the surface as she thought of what a blessing Evan had been to her. His love, his complete empathy, had been an important part of her healing. But she felt torn now between him and this new direction that compelled her.
She thought about telling Mom and Daddy, but she knew they, too, would try to discourage her.
But she’d thought this through. Ever since she had listened to those cassette tapes, Timoné was all she could think about. Wasn’t it possible that this was the way a call from the Lord came? In the form of a desire that became almost an obsession? Her classes at the university seemed more boring and useless than ever. The money she spent on her apartment, on her car, on her clothes, all seemed wasted and pointless. The only thing that held any excitement or meaning for her now was the idea of going to Colombia, working beside her father.
“Oh, Lord,” she whispered into the darkness of her room, “is this your voice I’m hearing? Are you in this, Father? Is this my chance to finally make up for what happened? Please don’t let me do anything foolish.”
The temperature was in the low forties, and the sky was overcast, but Natalie and Evan had agreed to meet at the small park near her apartment where they could talk without risking a roommate’s interruption or running into someone they knew on campus.
Evan sat stiffly on the backless bench beside Natalie, bouncing his knees up and down to keep warm. She turned the collar of her jacket up and burrowed into it. Clasping her mittened hands together, refusing to look him in the eye, she said the words as simply as she knew how, “Evan, I’m going to Colombia.”
“Okay …”
“I don’t mean just to visit. I— I’m not sure, but I think God might be—” She started again. She wanted him to hear confidence in her voice. “I think God is calling me, to be a missionary there.”
He shook his head. “You mean, like short-term missions? A couple of months or something?”
“I honestly don’t know. Maybe longer. Maybe much longer, Evan. I—I don’t think I’ll really know until I get there.”
He stared at her. “And where exactly does this leave me? Us?”
Tears sprang to her eyes. “I don’t know.” For a fleeting minute, she dared to hope. A sad smile curved her lips. “You … You wouldn’t want to go with me, would you?”
“If you can wait a year or two, Natalie. Let me get my degree. Let me pray about it. Not be in such an all-fired rush.” Anger tinged his voice. “Be reasonable. Look at what you’re throwing away.”
She assumed he meant her education. “You don’t understand. A degree will just be a piece of paper in Colombia. What difference would it make in your decision if you had your degree, Evan?” She forced a smile, but her heart was breaking.
They sat in silence for a while. Finally he turned to her.
“You seem to have this all figured out. When are you leaving?”
“No, Evan, I don’t have it all figured out. I’m confused about a lot of things.” She reached out and put a hand on his arm, testing.
He didn’t push her away, but neither did he touch her in return, as he would have before. “Have you prayed about this, Nattie? Do you know for sure this is God’s calling and not just Natalie Camfield’s desires?”
She felt her defenses rising, but made h
erself answer calmly—and honestly. “I’ve prayed more these last few weeks than I have since … since Sara died. And … I don’t know how anyone ever knows for sure that it’s God’s voice they’re hearing until they step out in faith. I’m as sure as I can be. I just know that if I don’t go, I’ll always wonder if I made the biggest mistake of my life. I— I can’t afford any more mistakes in my life, Evan.”
He did push her hand away now, gently, but meaningfully. He rose from the park bench and began to pace in front of her. “But you don’t wonder if leaving me would be a bigger mistake?”
“Oh, Evan. Don’t make this so hard!”
“Don’t make this so hard?” he echoed, a sharp edge coming to his voice. “You think you’ve made this easy for me?”
“I didn’t mean it like that …”
“Natalie, I love you. I thought we loved each other.”
“Evan, I do love you. I do. But I … I just know … somehow I know that I have to do this. I believe this is God’s desire … I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. I truly am. But—”
“No,” he stopped her, and though his words were measured, there was no longer anger in his voice. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re making a choice between me and God … or like I’m keeping you from doing what God has called you to do.” He continued to pace back and forth in front of the bench.
She sat in silence. She truly didn’t know what to say to him. Finally she rose from the bench and approached him. “Evan, I’m sorry.”
He turned toward her, and she opened her arms, longing for the comfort of his nearness.
But he held up a warning hand and shook his head vigorously. “You’re going to have to give me some time to … to get over this.”
“Okay,” she said softly, stinging from his rebuff, yet knowing it had been unfair to expect a different response.
She turned and walked away from him, head bowed against the cold and against the pain. She felt as though she’d been rent in two. Part of her longed for Evan to run after her, to beg her to stop this foolishness. And yet now that she’d told him her plans, the pull toward Colombia and her father was stronger than ever.
After the Rains Page 22
