by Jaleta Clegg
"You are crazy. All of you. And I'm crazy for listening to you."
"It's my charm." Lowell smiled. "Some supplies would be very helpful. Water, food, a hand scanner." He raised his eyebrows hopefully.
"That I can provide. Weapons, no," she said. She turned to give orders to an officer setting up a tent not far away.
"Thank you, Suella," Lowell said. "You know I'm right, deep down inside, you know it."
"That won't stand up to a courtmartial board," Querran answered.
"So say we forced you to cooperate," Lowell said.
"Take your supplies and get me proof," she said.
We were marching through the steaming jungle away from her command post less than ten minutes later.
It was heavy going. The jungle was thick. Plants clutched at my feet and arms with every step. Animals hooted and screeched overhead. At least the sun wasn't beating down on us, the foliage was too thick. The air was thick enough to chew, it was hard to breathe. I sweated big drops down my back that clung to me, unable to evaporate in air already past the saturation point. I felt Mart's misery with every step. It was only partly the humidity and heat.
We broke through a thick growth of twisting vines onto a trail. Lowell consulted a compass and turned into the trail. It was beaten dirt, walled by vines and thick trees. Mart tripped over the vines and staggered onto the trail. He stopped cold, staring at it. Panic ripped through his mind and mine. He backed up a step, running into Paltronis. She pushed him after the others.
"I can't," he moaned.
I stopped and turned back to him. I took his face in my hands. "You have to." His eyes were blank. "Mart," I called his name, trying to break the hold panic had on him.
"It's Martin," he corrected me. "And I was here. I can remember that much." He closed his eyes, trying to hide from the memories.
"What's here?" I asked.
"Horrible," he whispered, sinking to his knees on the path. "They chased me. They wanted me back. They weren't done with me. I could still think." He wrapped his arms around himself, rocking back and forth. I held his face, feeling his anguish. He kept his eyes closed. Tears leaked out and ran over his cheeks and my hands. "I ran and ran. I found an angel who sent me away."
"Who?" I asked. I was dimly aware of the others gathered around us.
"I don't know. She was all light, she found me in the dark. She brought me out, she called my name. I followed her light out of the darkness. But they found me and chased me. I ran." He sobbed into my hands. "They took the children first, the young ones. They tore them away and took them somewhere else. Then they came for the rest of us. They wiped minds, I felt their screams in my heart. I ran but I could still feel the pain. I had to block it. So I could survive. So I could find help.
"The angel was there, waiting for me. It was dark and warm and safe. And then it wasn't anymore. I had to run again. I had to find help." He opened his eyes, meeting mine unerringly. "Your face. I had to find you. But I couldn't remember why. I saw you in a dream." He crumpled forward until he leaned against me, his head against my stomach as he wept. I gave him what comfort I could, my hands resting on his shoulders.
"We have to move," Lowell said behind me.
I turned my head, ready to shout, until I saw the compassion and pain in Lowell's silver eyes. He patted my shoulder in sympathy. I nodded. We only had twelve hours. And we had no idea what waited for us at the lab.
"Mart." I shook his shoulder gently. "Mart, we have to keep going."
He took a deep breath and nodded. I helped him back to his feet. He cupped my cheek in his hand, his eyes still wet with tears catching mine and holding me captive. I felt the connection between us surge wider. An overwhelming urge to surrender swept over and through me. I wanted his touch, I needed his touch. I couldn't think of life without him. I saw the same urge in his eyes. He deliberately dropped his hand and stepped away. It was almost a physical blow. I clenched my empty hands into fists and fought the burning desire I had to throw myself at him. I ached for him to touch me again. I ached with the need to complete the bonding. But not here, not now.
Paltronis touched my shoulder. I gasped and jumped, shocked by the contact. I was shaking. I felt as if my skin were crawling with energy.
"They're way ahead," Paltronis said. "We have to catch up. Are you all right?"
"No," I said in a shaky voice that sounded nothing like mine. I was burning with need. I could feel Mart drawing farther away. I felt each step like a blow. I whirled around and ran after them. I had to catch up, I had to be near him. I fought it with every scrap of independence I still possessed.
When we caught up it took every ounce of self control I had to keep from touching Mart. He avoided looking at me and tried to keep his distance. Neither of us did very well. We kept drifting together. That's all I remember of that hike through the thick jungle. Nothing of the plants or animals or humidity or anything except fighting the hunger that drove me close to Mart.
Lowell stopped me, his hand grabbing my tunic and pulling me down beside him. I blinked and tried to focus. We crouched under a tangle of vines thick with yellow flowers. A building, square and white, rose out of the jungle not far away across a cleared stretch of ground. It was carpeted with creeping plants that sported flowers of every color imaginable.
"Stay here," Lowell ordered me.
I wasn't in any shape to resist. I stayed under the vines while Lowell and Paltronis crept away. Beryn went the other direction, recorder clutched in one hand. I was alone with Mart. I looked up and met his eyes. The ten feet between us was not nearly wide enough. I moved before I realized what I was doing. He had moved as well. I fought the pull and managed to stop an arm's length away from him.
"What is this?" I asked him, my voice thick. I fought the instinctive need that drew me towards him. I planted my feet and still found myself edging towards him.
"Zhrianotui," he said.
The word washed through me, echoing in genetic memories that I wasn't aware I had. I felt dizzy, drowned by emotions foreign to me. A part of me I had only experienced once before was awake, an animal need I couldn't fight any longer.
I felt his arms around me, his body warm in my arms. My lips sought his in a kiss driven by the bond between us.
"No," he said and pushed me back.
The pain of separation sent me to my knees. I gasped, grabbing at the ground to keep myself steady. The pain of thick leaves cutting into my hands helped somewhat.
"I can't do this to you," Mart said. I heard the echoes of my own pain in his voice. I didn't dare look at him.
"I need you," I whispered.
"It's the bond between us," Mart said. I felt him fighting to pull back from it, to put distance between our emotions. "It was supposed to help convince you. It wasn't supposed to become this."
"You remember that now?" I heard the pain in my voice at his rejection.
"It wasn't supposed to be real. They set it up this way, when they sent me after you. It was only supposed to make you help me. It wasn't supposed to be real. They didn't know you were one of us."
Tears burned my eyes. I knew he felt the pull between us. I knew he felt the same pain I did even as he fought to break free.
"What else do you remember? You used me. You used all of us. You set us up. You betrayed us."
He shook his head, denying it, but I saw the truth in his eyes. "I didn't know. I swear, Dace, I didn't." He turned away. I felt the hate he held for himself, for the person he had been who had willingly agreed to drag me and my crew into this mess. "We needed Lowell's help. You were his only weakness. I had no choice. I had no memories. That much was real."
"You had more choice than you gave me," I said, using my anger and his own hate as a weapon, a shield against the pain.
"We couldn't reach him." Mart turned to look at me. I wished he hadn't. "Using you was the only option. I'm so sorry," he added in an anguished whisper.
"I might have loved you in time."
"No
t when you learned the truth. You would have hated me. And it would have been too late."
"It's already too late."
"I'm sorry," he said again, turning away.
I still felt the hunger, the need to touch him, to be near him. And I hated myself for feeling it. I loosened my grip on the vines that covered the ground. I left smears of blood behind. I turned my hands up, looking at my palms. The cuts were superficial. I almost wished they were deeper, I needed a different pain, anything to avoid facing Mart's pain. And my own.
"Lowell's found a way in," Beryn said, pushing through the vines. He stopped, staring at us. "Did I miss something?"
"Where?" I asked.
He looked at my hands and me kneeling on the ground before he turned to face Mart. "I don't know what's going on between the two of you, not really, but I don't like it."
"You don't have to like it." I stood and brushed leaves off my knees. "Which way?"
"Around the side." He kept shooting glances at us as we followed him through the jungle around the building.
It only took a few minutes to join Lowell and Paltronis. They were watching a side entrance.
"No guards, and no security fields that I can find," Paltronis said. "It feels too easy."
"It's locked," Lowell said. He peered through a pair of field glasses. "A real nasty lock. They must trust it." He lowered the glasses. "They don't know Dace can pick it in no time." He looked at me, grinning. His grin froze when he met my eyes. He glanced at Mart. Whatever he saw in Mart's eyes was not the answer he was looking for. His face went cold.
"Don't ask because I'm not telling," I said to him. I folded my arms around the hurt inside me and moved away, to where I could look through the screen of jungle at the door. And where I could put distance between myself and Mart. Every step was deliberate. I still had to fight the bond. Despite everything he'd just confessed, I was still drawn to him. I could still love him, eventually. I didn't see that I had any other choice. I had nothing that wasn't tied to him, nothing left of me. There was only us.
"I'll do a perimeter sweep and signal when it's clear," Paltronis said. She slid into the jungle. I couldn't see her even though I knew she was headed for the door and I was watching for her.
I stood stiffly, watching for her signal. The lab no longer mattered. Nothing mattered. Except it was Mart that felt that way. My ship mattered. My friends mattered. My life still mattered to me. It was a strange way to fight, emotion against emotion. We were both losing. I was too aware of his pain and my own. Every pull against our bond was like a knife twisting.
Paltronis was suddenly beside the door, waving one arm. We hurried out of the jungle, running across the open stretch.
"Open it, Dace," Lowell said when we were all huddled beside the door.
I got out my picks. The lock was supposedly one of the better ones. I still had it open in less than a minute. The latch clicked and the door swung inwards. A breath of cool, dry air flowed over me. Paltronis pushed me aside and slipped inside. Lowell followed her. I let Mart and Beryn go next, taking time to put the picks away. I came in last.
"Which way?" Lowell asked Paltronis.
"Left," Mart said, moving to take the lead.
Lowell and Paltronis exchanged suspicious looks. Lowell turned his head back to face me, eyes full of questions. I shook my head. I had no answers for him. I didn't have any for myself, either.
We moved quietly down the carpeted hallway to the left. Mart seemed to know where he was going. He didn't hesitate to take a turn or keep going straight. We passed several offices and labs full of strange equipment.
"Here," Mart announced, leading us into a janitorial closet.
"This is your secret lab?" Paltronis asked.
Mart shifted a broom out of the way and tugged a set of shelves. They slid to one side. There was a door behind the shelves. With a very complicated lock set in the middle.
"Behind there," Mart said. "I'm sure of it."
Chapter 38
"I don't know how to open it," I said, shaking my head. It was a lock type I'd never picked. It was too complicated for my skills. There were five rings of numbers, set one inside the other, and at the center was a circular pad that I was certain was for a thumb print or some other biological identifier. I could have done the numbers, but not the scan.
"Did you bring the explosives?" Lowell asked Paltronis.
"They'll be loud," she warned as she dug through her pack.
"What's on the other side of the door, Martin?" Lowell asked.
"A lot more security," Mart answered. "This side is for show, for official inspections."
"The scientists that don't know anything," Lowell said. "We need to get through this and take records of what's on the other side."
"Which is hard to do when people are shooting at you and alarms are going off," Paltronis said.
I stared at my hands. "The rowan," I whispered, my thoughts nudged by a half remembered phrase. "The rowan is the key." I slipped the heavy gold ring off my finger and held it in front of the lock.
"What are you doing?" Beryn started to ask. Lowell held him back with one hand.
The ring was the right size. I pushed it deliberately into the groove around the central scanner. The lock began to vibrate, the dials of numbers turning on their own. "Give me your hand, Mart," I ordered. I held my hand out to the side.
He put his hand in mine. I ignored the shock of need that ran through me. I took his thumb and pressed it against the central scanner. The lock started to smoke. Mart's thumb was burned by the heat. He never flinched. I felt his thumb burning and still held it to the lock. My heart ached at the necessity of hurting him, even after everything he'd done to me.
The lock shattered internally. The door swung inwards.
"How did you know that would work?" Paltronis demanded. Her suspicion was almost tangible.
"I guessed." I let go of Mart's hand, almost as if it were as hot as the lock. What was left of the rowan ring trickled out of the lock in a thin stream of gold.
"It almost makes me believe in fate," Lowell said.
Beryn pushed the door open farther, peering carefully around the edge. "It looks clear."
Paltronis shouldered him aside. She slipped beyond, holding a blaster out in the open now. I didn't care how she had gotten it. I wanted this over. I wanted to crawl in a hole. I wanted to see how far I could get from Mart. I wanted to know what kind of a future I still had. To do that, I had to go through that door. I had to see what nightmares had driven Mart out of his own mind.
I followed Lowell and Beryn through the door. Mart came, very reluctantly, behind us. Despite what he had remembered, this was still blocked. Or erased.
We went down a set of steep stairs. The walls here were plain plascrete. The stairs were made of the same. The lights were bare strips glowing on the wall. We came to the bottom and another set of doors. These slid open, they were not locked. We entered a maze of white tiled walls and gray fibermat floors. Plain doors were spaced haphazardly down both sides of the hallway. There was no indication anywhere what anything was. We walked down the hall to the far end then turned a corner. More hallway stretched into the distance, punctuated by doors and cross halls.
"Where are the staff?" Paltronis whispered as we came to a cross hallway. We saw no sign that anyone was anywhere in the maze of windowless corridors.
"We're going to have to open doors and see what we can find," Lowell said. "How much time do we have left?" he asked Beryn.
Beryn glanced at his watch. "Six hours, no more. And it's a good hour and a half back to her camp."
"Paltronis, you take Mart, see what he can remember of this place. You have a recorder?"
She nodded.
"Dace and Beryn are with me. You go that way," Lowell said, pointing. "Make a loop and meet me back in this main hall in one hour. We need proof, remember."
Paltronis nodded. She gave Mart a hard look. They headed down the cross corridor without a backwards glan
ce.
Each step was pain, for Mart and me. I tried to ignore the bond pulling me towards him. I trailed after Lowell and Beryn. They opened doors. Storage, labs, restrooms, dressing rooms and lockers, nothing that I could make sense of. We kept going down the hall, door after door, farther and farther from Mart.
They opened a door that kept Lowell occupied for more than a quick glance. I couldn't make myself care. I leaned on the cold tile wall and fought the urge that would have sent me running to Mart's side. I didn't want to be half of a whole, I wanted to be me, Dace.
"We're close," Lowell said, startling me. I hadn't realized he had come back out.
"In here," Beryn said from farther away.
Lowell took my elbow without a word and pulled me after him. I made myself walk, each step ripping my heart open. Lowell stopped me at the open door. He brushed my hair back behind one ear, regret on his face. He turned away without saying anything. He pulled me into the room with him.
"Shut the door," he told me.
I did, leaning against it until it latched. The room was full of racks of data cubes and readers. There were even paper files. Lowell started going through rack after rack, taking cubes by the handful and feeding them into the readers.
"Take the papers, Beryn, see if you can find anything useful."
"Like what?" Beryn asked.
Panic washed through me, I didn't hear Lowell's answer. Wave after wave of raw fear poured into me. And then receded. I was crouched on the floor, whimpering.
"Something wrong?" Lowell asked without looking away from the data scrolling over screens.
"Mart," I said and shook my head. "What can I look for?" I made myself get up, pretend nothing had happened.
"What do you know about biology? Or genetics?"
"Almost nothing," I said.
Lowell shook his head in frustration and popped the data cubes out of the readers. "Then see what else you can find on your own. You wouldn't know what to look for here." He fed another handful into the readers.
I made myself walk to the far end of the room. I didn't know what Lowell expected me to find. I had no idea what to look for. Evidence that this was illegal, evidence that the Emperor's cousin was behind it, evidence that he was plotting to overthrow the Emperor, evidence that Lowell was innocent and by association, so was I.
