by Jaleta Clegg
We moved as one, walking away from the clearing to where my ship had landed on the beach. I was so tired I could barely keep my feet moving, but the thought of going home kept me trudging through the jungle and into deep sand. Lowell caught my arm when I stumbled. Beryn and Paltronis walked behind us.
The hatch opened. Clark came out to meet us, stopping at the bottom of the ramp to watch as we crossed the sand. He looked behind us, as if he expected the Patrol to come swarming out of the jungle any second.
"Are you ready to leave?" Lowell asked as we headed up the ramp.
"Now?" Clark asked.
"Querran won't give us much longer," Lowell said. "She might change her mind and arrest us."
"Dace," Jasyn said, smiling at me as I entered the ship.
I couldn't face her. I needed time alone. I needed familiar space. Her smile faded as I walked past, heading for my cabin.
"What did you do to her?" Jasyn said, turning on Lowell.
"I shot Tayvis," I said as I opened my cabin door. "And Mart's dead." I stepped in and shut my door on the questions I knew were coming. I leaned back, my eyes closed. I was home. I could rest, I could heal.
I opened my eyes, finally registering what I'd seen when I opened the door. Larella's things were all over the cabin, along with another woman's things. It wasn't my cabin any more.
I couldn't cope with that. I sank down until I sat on the floor. I wanted to be numb. I didn't want to feel any more. I closed my eyes, unable to stop the tears that trickled out from under my lids.
The ship lifted. The rumbling vibration of the engines barely touched me, I was so lost in my pain I barely noticed. I'd have to be completely dead, not just partly, before I wouldn't notice.
The door slid open. I didn't look. I was sure it was Jasyn, come to pry answers out of me. I was wrong.
A hand, small and cool, rested on my forehead. A soothing warmth spread through me. It was a healing like I'd never felt before. I opened my eyes.
Larella bent over me, her dark eyes watching me, full of warmth and life. She smiled. "Welcome home," she said simply.
She stepped over me and cleared her things from the bottom bunk. She tucked them away in storage lockers. I watched her blankly, unable to find the energy to move. She pulled my blanket out of a locker, a brightly striped blanket Jasyn had bought for me when we bought the ship.
"Do you want something to eat?" Larella asked as she spread it on the bunk. "Or do you just want time to yourself?"
"Please," I whispered.
"Only to sleep and heal. You start brooding and I'll send Jerimon after you." She paused near the door. "Whatever happened was bad, but you'll survive, Dace. You're strong." There was a note of admiration in her voice I didn't expect. She went out, closing the door behind her.
I was finally alone. And it was lonely. It was what I wanted, wasn't it? I missed Mart, I realized. I missed feeling him in my heart. It hadn't been my choice, but it might have been. I got off the floor and found clothes, my clothes. I showered and went to sleep in my own bunk.
I don't remember dreaming.
I woke slowly, resisting it as much as possible. I heard talking, coming faintly from beyond the closed door of the cabin. I smelled the familiar smell of the soap we used. A familiar lump of fur snuggled up to my neck. It was so normal I almost cried. I wasn't normal anymore. I ached where the bond with Mart had been ripped apart. I didn't want to wake up, not yet, I didn't want to face Jasyn or the others. I didn't want to answer questions. My body wasn't going to let me stay asleep.
I finally opened my eyes and rolled to the side. Ghost made a faint sound of protest. I rubbed a hand along her soft fur. Her belly was big, bulging with the promise of new life. She opened one eye, her head upside down, one paw draped over the other eye. I scratched under her chin. She purred.
The door to the cabin slid open. This time it was Jasyn. She came in and let the door shut.
"I see you're awake. We were beginning to worry. It's been almost a full day."
"Not long enough." Ghost nudged my hand, demanding more scratching.
"Lowell told us most of what happened. Beryn filled me in privately last night on the rest." She pushed my feet over and sat on the bunk.
"What happened with you?" I asked.
"We made it away from Shamustel, although I think if we ever land there again, they'll arrest us on sight. We're right below you on the Patrol's most wanted list." She pulled her feet onto the bunk, tucking her knees to one side. "We found Jericho."
"We found what was left of the colonists," I said, repressing a shudder. Ghost rolled away from me, licking her foot. "What's the plan now?"
She was quiet, too quiet. I sat up, facing her. She was looking away, at the floor.
"It isn't over yet, I'm not naive enough to believe that," I said.
"We hide until Lowell's information gets to the right people," Jasyn said.
"It will disappear like everything else he's tried."
"Not all of it will disappear. I sent copies with Everett." She looked over at me. "He wants you to tell him the whole story someday."
"Someday, when I can talk about it, I will."
"Paltronis feels sorry for you."
"She doesn't hate me anymore?"
"She didn't give me that impression. Why would she hate you?"
"I don't know. I expected her to hate me for shooting Tayvis, but she said she understood that. I don't understand her."
"Then ask Beryn." Jasyn's smile was sly, hinting at something. Her smile faded as I stared blankly at her. "Beryn really likes Paltronis."
"Good for him," I said.
"Are you really that blind, Dace? Paltronis likes him back."
"That's amusing," I said as I got off the bunk. I headed for the bathroom.
"Jerimon asked Larella to marry him," she said just as the door slid shut.
I hit the controls to open it again. I felt as if Jasyn had just thrown a bucket of cold water at me.
She laughed at the expression on my face. "I thought you'd want to know."
I turned around, shutting the door again. I was happy for Jerimon, and Larella. I was happy for Beryn and Paltronis. I was happy for Jasyn and Clark. But what about me? Mart was dead and Tayvis would never trust me after what I'd done to him. The loneliness was overwhelming. After the bond with Mart, I'd always feel lonely. For the rest of my life, unless I found something else to fill that gaping hole in my soul.
The door to the bathroom slid open. Jasyn watched me with a concerned look on her face.
"Don't I get privacy anymore?" It came out flat and bitter.
"Can I trust you not to hurt yourself?" Jasyn was serious.
"I'm not going to die, not until I get revenge on the universe."
"And how are you planning on doing that?" Jasyn asked. I don't know if she thought I was crazy or not. She tilted her head, studying me.
"I don't know yet," I said.
"Are you sure you're all right?"
"I'm not all right, Jasyn. I'm far from it right now. But I will be all right. Someday."
She searched my face. Then nodded, satisfied at what she saw in it. "Lowell promised he'd find Tayvis for you, once he gets access to his network again."
"And what good will that do? Tayvis won't ever trust me again. I shot him, Jasyn."
"You didn't have much choice," she said, trying to reassure me.
"I haven't had much choice about anything lately. Mart got most of his memories back, at the end. He set me up. They chose me and sent him after me, knowing what would happen. Or at least they thought they knew what would happen. It didn't, not the way they planned. Mart changed too much." I stared down at my hands on the edge of the sink.
"And you weren't what they expected, either. Or the rest of us."
I turned on the water and splashed it on my face. It was cold. It didn't help. I grabbed a towel and pressed it against my face.
"I don't want to do this ever again," I said, muffled by the
towel. I lowered it. "Do you think Everett's clan would give us a route if we begged? A nice, quiet, safe, boring route? I don't care if they take all of the profits. I don't care what they ask us to do to get it."
"And in a month you'd be whining about the boredom," Jasyn said stiffly. I'd hit a nerve. "You've done it before."
"Not this time," I said. I meant it.
"And what about Lowell?"
"What about him?"
She met my eyes in the mirror. I'm not sure what she saw in them. I only saw misery. Her violet eyes were clear as crystal, but troubled. She bit her lip.
"Do you really mean it, Dace?"
"Yes." I meant it more than I'd ever meant it before. This time I really was through with Lowell and his schemes. I couldn't deal with more pain. Never again.
The look in Jasyn's eyes shifted to something I couldn't read. I turned away from the mirror to look directly at her.
"I want children," she said. "Soon, not years from now. I can't if I'm going to be running across the Empire, hiding from everyone. But, I don't want to give you up, either. Or the Phoenix. Do you really mean it, Dace?"
Children? I'd never imagined that. Ghost chose that moment to interrupt us. She rubbed against my leg and meowed. I looked down at the cat, her belly huge with kittens. I had to laugh, even if it was mixed with tears.
"I mean it, Jasyn," I said as I picked up the cat. "For you and Ghost, both." Ghost draped herself over my arm. The pain eased inside me. It would be all right. I would be all right. Everything would be all right. Eventually.
My stomach chose that moment to growl. Ghost jumped, startled.
Jasyn laughed. "Now I know you're back to normal. Come on, I'll find you something to eat. If they haven't devoured everything."
I followed her out of the cabin. The scene in the lounge was so normal I almost backed away into my solitude again. No, I wasn't going to retreat. These were my friends, my family. If I couldn't face them, I should have let myself die with Mart.
Jasyn went to the galley, pulling out dishes and pots. Beryn had a dice game going on the floor behind the cockpit. Clark, Paltronis, and Jerimon played it with him. It was loud and boisterous and involved a lot of teasing. Lowell was at the table, his head bent over Scholar's pad. Scholar tweaked his data. Two teens I vaguely recognized from Ophir hovered over Scholar's shoulder. Larella sat on the steps to the small cargo bay, talking animatedly with a girl I didn't know. Judging from her clothes, she was one of Scholar's gang.
"Spacer Chick!" Doggo blindsided me, dragging me into a hug. Ghost protested loudly and jumped down, waddling away from me into the cockpit.
"I'm happy to see you, too, Doggo," I said, trying to worm free. He wasn't going to let me go.
"They worried about you," he said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at the rest. "But not me. I knew you'd be diego. You're one tough chick."
"And you aren't as bad as you like to pretend," I said and gave him a dose of his own medicine. I hugged him and patted his spiked hair. He ducked his head, embarrassed, but grinning.
He followed me over to the table. I sat down, watching Scholar fiddle with his colored light. It was the most unique interface I'd ever seen. Scholar was the only one who understood it. Lowell looked up from the display and gave me a searching look.
"Where are we going?" I asked him.
"You mean when am I going away?"
"That, too."
He sighed and looked back at Scholar's ball of light. "We're going to Farife."
"I've never heard of it," I said. "What's there?"
"A refueling station where they won't ask questions."
I waited for him to continue. Jasyn put a plate in front of me and a mug of steaming chocolate. She sat across from me, next to Lowell. I sipped chocolate.
"We have evidence," Lowell said after a long pause. "But not the right kind. We can prove they were doing illegal genetic experiments at Babylon, but Roderick can claim he thought they were doing different experiments. Their cover was too tight. We can't touch him. Not yet."
"But you have a plan, you know where we can get the evidence." It wasn't a question. I knew Lowell too well to think he didn't have something in mind. Why else were we headed for a planet that was probably only marginally part of the Empire? Just to refuel? I doubted that.
"We have to go back to Drometheus," Lowell said.
"And break into the governor's mansion again? There isn't anything there. I already stole it."
"Not Drometheus," Scholar said. He had both hands full of green strings of light. "Lushay."
"Of course," Lowell said, and smiled. "Less chance of getting caught. Few if any police. Wide open spaces to hide in. No port control to speak of. You're certain he's there?"
Scholar shook his head. "Not in person, but there are indications that he was there, at his retreat, only a few months ago. With Admiral Johnston and Commander Nuella."
"It would make more sense that he'd keep things there he wouldn't want me to find," Lowell mused. He tugged his ear, thinking.
"And what then, Lowell?" I asked. "We get all the evidence and then what? This isn't going to ever end."
"Oh, it will," Lowell assured me. "We finish what Jasyn started. We get the information into the hands of the Council of Worlds on Linas-Drias."
I stopped, my mug halfway to my lips. Linas-Drias, the jewel of the Empire, the center of the innermost of the Inner Worlds. The home of the Emperor himself. It was almost funny. I put the mug down carefully before I spoke.
"Us? The Phoenix, landing on Linas-Drias? A tramp trader from the back of beyond and the strangest crew ever assembled outside of a pirate ship?" I had to laugh. "This sounds more improbable than the worst vid I've ever seen."
"All the more reason they won't suspect us," Lowell said. "And it got you to smile again."
"It just might work," Scholar said, flicking a glance at me. "Because no one would ever suspect us."
"I don't think they'll underestimate us again," I said. "Tayvis knows us too well, and he's the one they have hunting us down."
"Then we have to plan something he won't be expecting," Lowell said.
"I could shoot him again," I said. Then wished I hadn't. I stared into what was left of my chocolate. I wasn't hungry anymore.
"No," Lowell said. "I'd make you stay on the ship but we'll probably need your lockpicks."
I stood, still holding my mug. "Just let me know what you want me to do." I went into the cockpit and shut the door.
I sat in my chair, the pilot's chair, and ran my hand along the edge of the controls. This was my home. I belonged here. The pink shell I'd picked up what felt like centuries ago on Besht was still above the controls. I picked it up and rubbed my finger along the silky smooth interior.
Had Lady Rina foreseen all of this? Would it have changed anything if she had? If I'd known? I missed her, I missed Mart, I missed all of the people I had known who weren't there anymore.
Jasyn was right, I decided. It was time to move on, time to find a boring route and live life as just a merchant ship. Time to let go.
I only had to convince Lowell of that. Then I could try to find peace again.
Chapter 40
Farife was not on any official maps. It was little more than a cold rock with an atmosphere and a fuel dump. They didn't care who we were, as long as we had cash to pay their outrageous prices. We only stayed a few hours, long enough to flush the tanks and refuel. Beryn and I spent the time recalibrating the engine. It was showing the hard use of long flights and little down time. It was something to do, some way to keep me occupied. A way to keep me from thinking, remembering. It also kept me from having to watch Jerimon and Larella.
I was happy for them, I kept insisting to myself in the hope that I'd convince myself it was true. I was lonely for me, though. When we were through running, I was going to make Lowell find Tayvis for me. And I'd do whatever was necessary to get him to forgive me.
It was five more days to Lushay. Lowell h
eld court at the table almost constantly, planning. Scholar had acquired maps and floorplans. I couldn't make myself care. I sat in the cockpit, petting Ghost, feeling her round belly. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, not much anyway. I just wanted time alone. I got very little. They took turns making sure someone was talking to me or pushing me to play cards or dice. Strangely enough, the only two people I was really comfortable with were Paltronis and Larella. They let me sit in silence, their presence letting me know I wasn't alone, no matter how I felt inside. Doggo was the worst. He followed me around with something close to hero worship in his eyes. Jerimon had been telling him stories about me.
The ship was just too small for thirteen people. Especially when they were all treating me like I was going to shatter at the slightest provocation. So I pretended I was cheerful. I skunked them all at cards, partly because they let me. I played dice with Beryn. And lost. And didn't care. I taught Fitch and Senshi how to pick locks, and Lowell didn't care. He approved. And somehow, it worked. I was starting to feel better by the time the reentry alarm sounded.
Lushay was a retreat, a world owned by very rich, very powerful people. They kept it exclusive. We came in under a fake beacon, programmed by Scholar, and claimed we had a delivery of exotic furs and foods. Scholar and Lowell had cooked up the scheme. It worked. We got permission to land.
Lowell had Beryn rent a flitter for us. There were five of us going to Roderick's private estate. Lowell and me, of course. Clark insisted on coming, over Jasyn's objections. Paltronis refused to be left behind. She'd found one of my stashed blasters and wore it in her belt. Beryn was the fifth member, the one person that Roderick didn't know was involved. At least that was what we hoped.
Paltronis wasn't the only one armed. Clark took a blaster. We left the other one at the ship. I knew I was the best shot with one, but I also knew I would have a hard time convincing myself to fire at anyone.
We dug up some old gray jumpsuits, enough for us to convince anyone we passed that we were a delivery crew. Lowell stayed hidden in the back of the flitter with a com linking him to Scholar who was busy rearranging the planet's datanet.
