by Marisa Mills
I didn’t want to thank him for anything. Dorian had torn me from my home and now expected me to risk my life for this scheme of his. And for what? To pay off some gambling debts? It all sounded so stupid. But he was taking me to say good-bye. I knew that he didn’t have to do that, and I’d have been heartbroken if I’d had to leave without seeing Briar and Sterling again.
“I see no reason to be needlessly antagonistic,” Dorian said. “We’re accomplices now. If you want to say your farewells to your family and friends, why shouldn’t you?”
Right, accomplices. Even if I hadn’t had any say in the matter. I let my head rest against the back of the seat and listened to the rain. It was such a soothing sound.
“So is it just your brother and your uncle?” Dorian asked. “What about your parents?”
I stared at him for a moment before responding. Did he actually care? He seemed like he was being genuinely nice, and I hated that. In my experience, kindness always had ulterior motives. Maybe he was worried about how I might sabotage him, but I knew it was far too late for me to do that now. I just had to find what he wanted as quickly as possible, without getting caught.
“My father died, and my mother didn’t want me,” I said, “So she left me with Gabriel and ran off with a man she met.”
It was the simplest version of the truth. I didn’t mention how many times I’d fantasized about my mother changing her mind and coming back for me.
“Do you remember either of them?”
“No, I was too little.”
“That’s unfortunate,” Dorian said. “For what it’s worth, I do understand. My father died in a duel when I was five. Sometimes, I still regret that I never knew him. He was said to be a very noble man.”
“There’s a lot of death in your family,” I said.
“So there is.”
The carriage jolted to a stop. I stepped out, my boots splashing in the mud. Cold water pounded over my head. There was something almost comforting in the way the rain soaked in, undoing all the careful work that Dorian’s servants had put into making my hair presentable. With a scowl, Dorian left his carriage and adjusted his sword. Not a speck of rain touched him, though. Instead, the clear drops bounced right off his black coat.
“Are you doing that with magic, or…?” I asked.
“The fabric is enchanted,” Dorian replied. “I don’t like rain.”
“But isn’t your magic tied to water? Because of the ice?”
“I’m just a bit strange, I guess.” Dorian paused and looked like he’d been going to say something more, but he seemed to decide against it.
We walked across the road and headed down into the subway. I dashed ahead, leaving Dorian to trail me. I skidded down the stairs and through the front door, nearly plowing into my uncle. “Wynter,” he said smoothly. He didn’t look surprised to see me, but I guess Dorian had let him know to expect us.
“Where’s Briar?” I asked.
Gabriel arched an eyebrow. “I don’t get a greeting?” he asked.
“Hello,” I said, crossing my arms. “Briar?”
Dorian entered behind me. I glanced to him and saw that his hand was on the hilt of his sword. “Gabriel,” Dorian said. “Why don’t we talk business while she’s saying her farewells?”
“You think you can trust her alone?” Gabriel asked.
“I do,” Dorian said.
Gabriel crossed his arms. “You say that because—”
I left them to argue and headed to my room. I was in such a hurry that I nearly ran past it. I clung to the doorframe and peered in, but Briar wasn’t there. With a scowl, I returned to my uncle, who was still talking with Dorian.
“Where is my brother?” I asked.
Gabriel’s eyes flickered to me. “Out with Sterling, which I would’ve told you if you hadn’t run off.”
Out in the rain? In the middle of winter? Neither Sterling nor Briar should be out in weather like this, especially since Briar was still recovering from a crossbow bolt to his leg.
“Where did they go?” I asked.
“Out,” Gabriel replied. “They’re coming back now.”
I heard footsteps echoing through the subway darted outside, back the way I’d come. “Briar!” I shouted. “Sterling!”
I received a loud, excited shout in response. Grinning, I quickened my pace. There they were! I went to hug my brother first. Rain had plastered his blond hair to his head, for once flattening and quelling its usual defiance. I embraced him tightly, rainwater seeping through my coat. “How are you?” I asked, holding him at an arm’s length.
Somehow, I’d expected him to have drastically changed, but he looked the same as he always had. Tall, blond, and malnourished.
“Good,” he said, grinning. “You look great. Wow.”
“It’s all cosmetics,” I replied, waving a dismissive hand.
And having enough food. My stomach twisted.
“It’s good to see you,” Sterling said, clearing his throat.
I smiled and turned to him, my eyes combing over his appearance.
“How is your mom?” I asked.
“The same,” Sterling said.
I patted my brother’s shoulder and slowly released him.
“How long are you here for?” Briar asked.
“Not long,” I said, “Just long enough to say good-bye to everyone. How is your knee?”
“Right as rain,” he replied cheerily.
It wasn’t. I’d seen him shot. Even as he said that, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He was probably having a hard time standing, especially after scavenging all night.
“You’re both doing so well without me,” I replied. “Better, I think.”
Play it off. Act like everything was fine. Act like my brother hadn’t been given a likely permanent limp. Act like I hadn’t abandoned them and made everything worse.
“We’re doing our best,” Briar said, “But it ain’t the same without you lording your older sibling power over me.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “When I come back, I’ll be sure to make up for lost time.”
“You’re coming back, then?” Briar asked.
“Of course, I am,” I said. “This is going to be easy. I’m prepared for it. I already fooled a bunch of mages into thinking I’m the real deal, so…”
Briar hugged me again and I tousled his hair.
“Go ahead and meet with our uncle,” I said. “I gotta talk to Sterling about a couple of things.”
“Okay,” Briar said.
He walked a few feet and then turned around and smirked at me. “Try not to fall when you’re up there,” he said, grinning.
“I’ll do my best,” I joked, “And if I do fall, I’ll make sure it’s on top of you.”
Briar laughed and continued his way down the subway. I watched him, noting how he favored one leg more than the other. Climbing through the Dregs was going to be tough on him. I knew that Sterling would try to take care of him. But also knew Gabriel would be angry at him if he didn’t bring home enough loot. And what about the monsters? Briar barely knew how to protect himself.
I’d messed up so badly. And while they were down here suffering, I’d be up in the Floats, with enough food and nice clothes. It wasn’t fair.
Sterling sighed. “Wynter, I feel like I…” he gestured with his hands when he spoke, like always, but this time something was different. The rest of his words faded into the background as I focused on his fingers. The whole world came to a crashing halt when I realized one was missing.
I stifled a gasp and forced my eyes not to linger. I lifted them to meet his green eyes instead. Sterling had never been caught stealing before. But then, we’d always gone places together. There had always been someone to keep lookout. I wanted to throw up. This was my fault. If I’d been there looking out for him, he wouldn’t have been caught. I took his hand in mine, curling my fingers over his. I brought it up agains
t my cheek, as a warm tear slid down over my skin.
“So you noticed that, huh?” Sterling asked.
“Of course I noticed. What happened?” I asked.
“What do you think?”
“You stole something, to help your mom?” I asked.
I racked my mind, trying to remember which of the many mob bosses dealt in medicine. The good stuff. Not the shady maybe-medicine or maybe-poison that was commonly available in the Scraps. We didn’t even know what Sterling’s mom was sick from. Just that she’d been sick for a very long time.
“No,” Sterling said quietly. “I did it for you.”
The words felt like a punch to the stomach. They repeated themselves over and over, but I still couldn’t make sense of them. He’d lost a finger. For me. Even if I came back, I could never change this. This was permanent.
“Why?” I asked.
He smiled wryly. “I thought that if I managed to get something expensive enough, I might be able to get you out of all this.”
“Sterling…” I trailed off. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“I couldn’t have just sat back and let this happen. I had to do something.”
“No,” I replied. “No, you—I tried to get out of it, and I couldn’t. Did you really think you’d manage to make this work?”
“Not really,” Sterling said. “But I had to try.”
I hugged him suddenly and lowered my face to his shoulder, trying to hold in my sobs. This could be our last moment together, and I didn’t want him to remember me with tears in my eyes. For a few seconds, I was content to just breath him in—the scent of freshly fallen rain and earthiness. Maybe if I held him for long enough, everything could just stay the same forever.
“I missed you so much,” I whispered.
“I missed you, too.”
Tentatively, I reached for his hand and clasped it between mine. Sterling’s breath hitched.
“The worst part is, it’s gonna be much harder to flip people off from now on,” he said.
“That’s unfortunate,” I said, letting a smile lift the corners of my mouth. I couldn’t remember him ever flipping anyone off before, and it was a bad joke anyway.
“I know. All I’ve got going for me is my incredible ability to insult people,” Sterling said.
I met his gaze, his eyes warm and soft. Seeing him like this was too much.
“Why would you do something so stupid?” I asked, sighing. “You know better.”
Sterling took a deep breath. “Wynter… you’re the only good thing that’s ever happened to me. The only good thing about living in the Scraps. And now, you’re leaving, and I dunno for how long. I didn’t know if I would ever even see you again. I had to do something.”
My breath came out in an uncomfortable hitch. “You’re my best friend, Sterling,” I said. “You don’t…I would never want you to do something so risky.”
Sterling furrowed his brow and rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand. “Your best friend?” he asked.
“Of course,” I replied. “Who else would it be?”
His laughter sounded hollow. “You’re so smart, Wynter,” he said, cupping my cheek with his other hand. “So smart. How could you have missed this for so long? How’re you still missing it?”
I frowned and shook my head, unsure what he was getting at. “I’m not missing anything,” I said. “I know you care about me, so much that you’re willing to risk getting hurt for me. And because you’re my friend—”
“Your friend,” Sterling echoed.
What did he mean?
“Why’re you being so weird?” I asked. “I’m doing the best I can.”
“I know you are,” he said, running his hand through my hair.
Sterling tilted his head and leaned close to me, so close that I felt his breath, hot and damp, on my cheek.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“I know,” he replied. “Just promise me that you’ll come back.”
“Of course, I will. Promise you’ll stay out of trouble.”
He laughed. “Oh, Wynter, you know I never listen to you,” he said.
“Try this time. For me. For Briar,” I said. “If I know you’re looking after him, I won’t worry so much. Just promise me that you’ll help take care of him.”
“You ain’t got to ask that,” he replied. “I’ll take care of Briar. Always.”
“I…” Sterling trailed off and cleared his throat. His eyes darted to my lips. “I wanna kiss you.”
I froze, sure I’d misheard. Then, a startled, little laugh tore from my throat. “Fine,” I said, turning my cheek towards him. “Look at you, being all sentimental.”
His lips placed a small, quick peck on mine. Then he kissed me harder, crushing me to him. It was unexpected, but not unpleasant.
“I love you,” Sterling said slowly. “I’m sorry I waited until last-minute to tell you that. I was working up to it. You ain’t gotta do anything. I just wanted you to know. Before you leave again.”
“Oh,” I replied.
My throat was dry. I finally got it. He loved me. Thousands of words shifted through my mind, but I couldn’t manage to say any of them. Instead, I stood watching him awkwardly, with a stupid expression on my face. With a soft sigh, Sterling pulled his hand away and walked past me without saying goodbye.
I remained still and quiet for several minutes. Slowly, I forced myself into motion, tracing my hand along the familiar walls of the subway. The cracked tile was cold and familiar. Steadying beneath my fingertips. Sterling loved me.
When had this happened? How had I missed it for so long? I sank onto the steps of the subway and buried my face in my hands. I hadn’t known, and I almost wished he hadn’t told me. Because I didn’t know if I loved him back, and yet I doubted I could ever bear to tell him no. It was really all strange, anyway. I’d thought about being in love once or twice; most people did. Or so I’d been told. But I’d always imagined it to be this wonderful, glorious thing. This thing that broke curses in fairy tales and that always won out in the end. But that wasn’t the truth at all. Instead, love was as frightening and uneven and anxious as my first kiss.
Not that pouting over it in the darkness was going to help me figure it out. And what difference did it make, how we felt about each other? I climbed to my feet and dusted myself off, then walked slowly down the subway. I couldn’t believe I was really leaving all of this behind and going to the Floats. To Reverie. I grimaced when I thought of how bright and clean the mages were. I paused by a rain puddle and crouched beside it. Reaching into my jacket pocket, I pulled out the device and swiped my thumb across it. The blue flames flickered out and danced above my waiting hand. I stared into my reflection. With my dark hair soaked and clinging to my shoulders, I looked more like myself. But eating enough food had filled out the thinness of my cheeks. My skin was clearer and brighter. I widened my blue eyes; those, at least, remained unchanged. Those still looked like me.
I wondered if I looked more like Gabriel now, who had always looked a bit healthier than the rest of us, mostly because he hogged all the food. I curled my hand around the device, extinguishing the flames. The hisses lingered for a few seconds after the flames were gone, echoing down the narrow corridor.
I stood and continued walking back down the familiar path. Because no one came looking for me, I didn’t hurry.
“But why do you care?” Gabriel’s voice drifted through the tunnel.
I paused, uneasy. I recognized that tone of voice. He was angry. I didn’t hear an answer, and my first thought was that he was arguing with Briar. I quickened my pace, determined to protect my brother as best as I could.
“That’s not your concern,” Dorian said.
I halted. It wasn’t Briar Gabriel was angry at.
“So you’re not gonna tell me everything, but I’m supposed to tell you everything?” Gabriel asked. “You got the nerve to come down here and accu
se me—”
I leaned against the wall and edged closer. While Dorian’s voice remained cold and even, Gabriel sounded ready to rip someone’s throat out.
“It’s not an accusation,” Dorian said. “It’s a statement of fact.”
“The girl ain’t good enough for you, you’re welcome to leave her,” Gabriel said, “But I ain’t giving your money back.”
I swallowed. Did I want Dorian to ditch me already? My uncle would be furious if failed. But what had I done wrong? I passed the stupid exam and did everything Dorian wanted!
“This isn’t about money,” Dorian said, “But your reaction has taught me everything I need to know. I’m capable of finding out the finer details for myself.”
Footsteps. I panicked and tried to compose myself, to act like nothing was wrong. When Dorian rounded the corner, he nearly ran right into me. He looked angry, and I waited for him to yell at me. Maybe strike me. He surely realized I’d been eavesdropping.
Gabriel halted a few feet away and glared at me, like this whole situation was my fault.
“I told you she’d come back,” Dorian said.
Gabriel scowled. “To think that you’d be so trusting,” he said, narrowing his eyes, “With all the things you’ve done.”
Dorian offered his arm. I took it, relieved his anger wasn’t directed at me. I guess he wouldn’t be abandoning me so soon after all.
“Did you say your farewells?” Dorian asked.
“Yes,” I replied, although it wasn’t enough. Hours of good-byes wouldn’t have been enough to say farewell to the people I cared about.
“You’re gonna lose her,” Gabriel said, narrowing his eyes.
“There are better ways to control people than through fear, not that I’d expect you to know that,” Dorian said.
Gabriel’s face reddened. “You know what happens if you don’t do as you’re told, Wynter.”
“I know,” I replied.
“For your brother’s sake, I hope you do,” Gabriel glowered, before slinking back inside.
My throat was tight as Dorian led me back out and into his waiting carriage. I settled in my seat and looked out the window, my heart growing heavier and heavier as the Scraps flashed before the tinted glass. It wasn’t much to look at, but it was the only home I’d ever known, and I was leaving it all behind.
