by N. K. Love
They’ve teamed up with some of the other girls and look like they’re having fun when an arm snakes around Beth’s waist from behind. My whole body reacts. I tense up. I clench my jaw. This is the moment of truth. Beth turns around to face him. He’s tall and built. By the looks of him, he’s from one of the other competing gyms. I know a gym from London are staying in the digs opposite ours.
This motherfucker holds the side of her face and whispers in her other ear. Beth covers his hand and throws her head back laughing. I swear I can hear her laughing. Of course I can’t really because the music’s too loud but it’s crystal clear in my head. He wraps his arms around her waist and they start dancing.
So this is a taster of what Beth fucking with my head feels like?
I walk away from the lads but can’t bring myself to walk away altogether. Beth rests her arms on his but after a while she moves them up to his shoulders. Seeing her hands on another man makes me nauseous. He slides his hands from her waist down to her bottom and Beth doesn’t resist. She lets him… She fucking lets him do that knowing that I’m over here watching. She wants me to feel like this.
Some chick sees the fact that I’m standing at the bar alone, as her invitation to get in my space. She starts chirping away but my eyes are glued to Beth and this fuckers wandering hands. Beth’s not dancing how she’d dance with me but it’s still enough for him to think he’s on to a winner.
I have no rights over her. I ended it. She is single. But she still feels like she’s mine. I can’t just switch that off inside of me. How does she feel right now? Is she enjoying it, knowing she’s torturing me?
I turn around to face the bar and order another drink.
“So, shall we?”
“What?”
This blonde chick is still here.
I take a swig of the cool dark brown liquor and let the burn lace the back of my throat. I want that feeling to take over my body. I don’t want to feel this overbearing, possessiveness towards Beth.
“Shall we go for a walk? I wanna see if you fuck as good as you look.”
“I do. There, now you know.”
“I’d rather find out for myself big boy. You know, all the girls in here have been daring each other to come over and talk to you.”
I don’t even look at her. I continue staring into my glass, swilling the liquor around and around.
“Sorry, not interested.”
The next song finishes and another one starts. I pray that when I turn back around Beth will be dancing with Wills and the girls again.
If she’s kissing him, so help me God.
The blonde skank that just offered to fuck a stranger after two minutes—look who’s talking—gets the blatant message and struts off in her batty rider outfit. Whoever she’s fucking tonight won’t even need to lift her dress, she just needs to bend over and welcome the STI.
I empty my glass and turn around. When my eyes hit the dance floor my heart skips a beat. I see Wills huddling in a group taking selfies with the girls but no Beth. I scan the floor—nothing. The perimeter of the dance floor—nothing. I look back to where she was standing with Wills—nothing.
She’s gone.
If I ever had any doubts about my feelings for Beth, the proof is apparent by way of the gut wrenching feeling taking over me right now. Fuck being stabbed, this is far far worse.
She’s left—with him.
I’m still scanning the entire room hoping to spot her or him. Maybe they’re not together. Maybe they finished dancing and she’s gone to the toilet. It’s possible. Bullshit, she’s with him. My head’s fit to explode.
I move like a bulldozer and make my way to the toilets. The corridors are packed but there’s no sign of her. I need to know where she is. Every second that passes is another second she could be in the arms of another man. I burst into the ladies but instead of the ‘Get out’ screeches you’d expect, the women queuing for the cubicles are more like leeches.
“Beth? Beth, are you in here?”
“You can call me Beth if you like sexy. You can call me anything you like!”
I negotiate my way around all the drunken skets and back out to the corridor. My heart is beating hard in my chest and the bass in the speakers is vibrating on my skin. Why did I drink so much? I need to think straight.
Willow.
Making my way over to Willow I grab her by the arm and walk her off the dance floor and down some steps to a quiet spot.
“What the fuck, Jax? What’s up?”
“I think we both know the answer to that don’t we? Where is she?”
“Why?”
“Don’t play games, Willow. Just tell me where she is—please.”
“No.”
I make a conscience effort to remain semi-calm.
“Is she with that man, the one she was dancing with?”
“What if she is? That’s nothing to do with you anymore. Your choice, remember?”
“Why did you let her go?”
“Shouldn’t I be asking you the same question?”
She’s exasperating. The longer she talks, the longer Beth’s alone with him.
“Just call her, make sure she’s okay.”
“She’s fine. I’m not calling her.”
“Wills, she’s had a drink. You don’t know who the fuck he is or where he’s taken her. Call her, now.”
“I’m not fucking calling her, Jax. She’s a big girl. She can look after herself. How she’s even still standing in the same room as you is beyond me. But she’s strong, stronger than you know.”
“What do you know?”
“Hmm. Let me see.” Willow holds her thumb up in readiness to count. “I know that you’ve made a gigantic mistake letting Beth go. I know that you’ve hurt her badly. I know—”
“Willow, I know I’ve messed things up. You can’t make me feel worse than I already do. Believe me.”
“Trust me, I wasn’t trying to. If I was, I could tell you that she’s lovesick. I mean literally. Love. Sick. Until I practically force-fed her breakfast and lunch today, she’d barely eaten a meal since you kicked her out Tuesday. Or I could tell you how she can’t get you out of her head. How on the drive down here, when she thought I was sleeping, she was re-reading all of your messages, watching videos of you two doing God knows what and daydreaming over photos. That, Jaxson, isn’t the behaviour of somebody who has closure.”
Just then Willow’s phone starts ringing.
“Hey, B.” She goes to walk off but I stand in her way. I need to know she’s okay. “Okay cool. Goodnight, Smiler.”
“Well?”
“Well what? She’s fine. She’s called it a night.”
“Alone?”
“That’s not your business.”
“I’ll call her myself then.”
“She won’t answer. She’s busy.”
“Stop fucking around Wills and put me out of my misery. It’s not like I can do anything about it now.”
“Was that your intention? To go and stop her from letting go of the bullshit you’ve caused her. To stop her from trying to move on. You really are fucking selfish.”
Chapter Twenty
Beth
“Mmm.”
I moan aloud—it feels too good. Yes. This is exactly what I needed.
The hot shower sobers me up quickly. Rinsing away my shampoo, it takes with it some of the stress as it swirls down the plughole.
What a day. I was in the same vicinity as Jax throughout the whole day but we didn’t say a word to each other. That didn’t stop me from drinking him in at every single opportunity. Watching the way his biceps made light work of carving through his steak at lunch. Or the way his body looked when he was leaning against the bar earlier tonight. That’s not to mention how I’ve repeatedly undressed him.
Since we planned to have ‘the conversation’ on Monday, I’ve felt better in myself. Hopefully that discussion will give me clarity of some sort but I’m also not oblivious to the fact that whatever
he says isn’t going to be good. He is an intelligent guy. If he is so sure it’ll push me away then the odds are probably stacked against us. But I won’t know until I know.
Wills has persuaded me to try hard to enjoy this weekend and not to worry about Monday, so that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
I’m still hurting, there’s no getting away from that and I’m trying not to feel guilty about taking comfort in having Jax nearby. But at the same time, I’m not going to chastise myself for wanting the man I love. I know he shouldn’t have dealt with things the way that he has but I also understand that he’s confused and concerned about my feelings more than anything else.
I thought only Miss Alter Ego had come along this weekend. Miss Sensible seemed to have washed her hands of me the second I stepped foot on the coach. But I’m managing to keep things in perspective. So far today I’ve not freaked out or cried—yet. I’m keeping it realistic, so maybe she did sneak in my luggage after all.
Dancing with Gary wasn’t one of my greatest plans. The dancing part was good. He was gay, which was obviously perfect because I didn’t want to lead anybody on by flirting. The first thing he said was “Hey, I’m Gary. I’m so gay, I sneeze glitter and fart rainbows but damn girl—I have got to dance with your fine ass.” He was an absolute dream and arrived bang on cue.
Of course when I asked him to grab my ass, he happily obliged, knowing it was all for show. I wanted to really annoy Jax. I wanted him to see another man with his hands on me. What a bitch. Wills said I was playing with fire but I said ‘Fuck It’.
Secretly, I wanted to play into the hands of Jax’s possessive side. I wanted to give him a taste of the agonizing feeling I’ve been experiencing whenever I’ve involuntarily imagined him being with another girl.
My plan backfired. When I managed to catch a glimpse of Jax, he was standing up the bar, chatting with some meagerly dressed girl. He wasn’t even facing me. It didn’t bother him. So I swiftly called it a night and left. Wills totally understood and I asked Gary to walk me back over. He saw me safely to the foyer and left.
Maybe I was wrong and he’s found it easier than me to slip into a life without each other. I’ve still got this gut feeling that we’re not over. Maybe it is simply wishful thinking on my part. The concept of laws of attraction led me to believe he’d come back to me.
I squeeze the excess water from my long locks and feel a cool wave of air hitting my skin. Just as I’m considering calling out to Wills, the shower curtain flies open. I spin on the spot, opening my mouth to scream but it stays open with nothing coming out.
Jax.
I don’t even make a move to cover myself up. I’m still in shock. One minute he’s in my head, the next he’s here, in the flesh—just inches away from me.
His expression is one of relief. He looks as though the weight of the world’s just been lifted off his shoulders. I slowly close my mouth as my face fades from shock to confusion. We stare at each other for a long minute. Only the sound of the water keeps us from silence.
Where’s that girl without a skirt? Why is he here? How the fuck did he get in?
The questions pour into my head quicker than I can fathom, but they never leave my lips. Our eyes flirt between each other. They toy with the moment, engaging one another, reacquainting.
He was breathing heavy as though he’d been running but it’s slowing down now. As his breathing calms, mine rockets. There’s no point trying to control my body around him. I learned that lesson weeks ago.
Jax finally breaks eye contact to drop his hooded gaze and starts studying my naked body. His caressing glare, effectively dresses me in a playsuit made of goosebumps. He licks his thick sculptured lips slowly, but stops when his eyes reach my midriff—my piercing. The side of his mouth curls up slightly into a shadow of a curious smile.
Jax cautiously reaches out, we’re about an arm’s length apart.
The moment his forefinger touches my skin I almost whimper. I bite my lip as he draws a circle around my navel admiring the piercing. When he drops his arms back to his side, I feel at a loss.
His eyes continue their descent. When he reaches my freshly waxed pussy, the water feels warmer—and definitely wetter. His alluring expression delivers signals, which spread throughout every pore.
By the time his eyes make their way back up, he has heated every damn inch of me and awoken the sexiness that’s been lying dormant and brooding this week.
God, I’ve got to have him. I am unashamedly a glutton for punishment. I’m a weakass girl that wants to fuck the living daylights out of the man that’s just dumped her. Yes, I am her and she’s about to have some amazing fucking sex—I can read him like a book.
The second his eyes land on mine again, I let his dark, yearning desire penetrate into me. Possessing me all over. It’s like he’s never stopped touching me but at the same time my body has missed him too much to let that feeling last.
Fuck It.
I leap out of the shower and straight into his arms, clamping my thighs around his waist before he’s had chance to brace himself. He catches me.
Of course—he catches me.
Our lips crash together as his back hits the washbasin and it feels like a slice of heaven. Every stroke of our tongues reignites the familiarity from within. This ferocious greed for each other is in stark contrast to the slow and sensual way we last had sex.
This is us. This is our normal and it’s the sexiest tasting normal I could ever wish for.
We reach beyond breathless with his hands on my ass cheeks, gripping harder by the second. My hair has damn near smothered us both with dripping tendrils covering our faces and shoulders.
“You’re wet.” He pants, whilst kissing me.
“You have no idea.”
He growls something of an approval, which causes my stomach to flip. Holding me with one arm cradling around my ass, he clasps onto my jaw and pushes his thumb over my lips. His eyes explore my entire face.
I feel as though he’s telling my body, ‘It’s okay, I’m back. I’m here’. Maybe he’s telling himself that too.
Smiling against my mouth, he kisses my nose and then my forehead. Walking us out of the bathroom, he strides over to the foot of the nearest single bed.
The room is cosy. The complete opposite to the swanky suite I’ve just checked out of. There are two single beds, a wardrobe, a TV built into the wall and a desk in the corner by the window.
“B, do you think we should have a talk first?”
“G, do you think we should have sex first?”
“Oh, if I have my way, we’re definitely going to be fucking but… what about Monday.”
“Let’s multi-task.”
There’s no way on God’s green earth it’s possible to hold a serious conversation with him now. I’m hot, horny and butt naked—that conversation is not happening.
I stand up on the bed so that I’m towering over him and brazenly pull his top over his head and off his arms. As if I can hold a conversation when the drug I’ve been craving for days is at my fingertips.
Jax kicks off his shoes and pulls off his socks whilst wrapping his mouth over my breast and giving my nipple its first taste of freedom since being on lockdown. He undoes his jeans, breaking contact whilst he bends and takes his boxer briefs down and off at the same time.
There he stands. My gladiator. My Jax. Gloriously naked.
“You’ve hurt me so much Jax. But—I can’t just switch my feelings off. I can’t stop loving you. Not even a little bit. It doesn’t make sense. How can you throw me away but I keep on loving you just the same? I’ve felt lost without you—a shell.”
Jax grasps my hips as he fills his lungs and leans the top of his head onto my stomach. I manage to contain the tears, for now—too horny for a mental meltdown. He begins to plant the most delicate of kisses all over my tummy, including my new piercing. His grip tightens and his teeth sensuously nip away at my flesh, exposing their hunger.
“Say it again.�
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His voice is raspy and needy and sexy as fuck. Jax looks up at my face. His soulful forest green eyes look lost but also ablaze with passion and sincerity. Then I realise what he means…
“I can’t stop loving you.” I whisper.
In one swift move he pulls my calves from beneath me and somehow guides my body so that it doesn’t completely slam onto the mattress. I brush my wet hair away just as he lowers himself over me, with his hands either side of my face.
