"Weak? What the hell are you talking about? You know you're not weak. Before you can be a decent sub you have to put your own insecurities to rest. You can't submit your will to someone else unless you're already comfortable with who you are. You're confusing voluntary submission with fear and intimidation. You aren't afraid of Robert, are you?"
"Well, no."
"He made it happen and you were ready for it. Jake, it's not a bad thing. Look I can tell you're a sub because well… I'm a sub too. I think I always knew. Maybe that's why I waited so long to start. I read all about it when I was doing my research."
"You mean Kyle is a Dom?"
*~*~*
Preston
"Yes, he is. I'm not supposed to tell you what we… do, but he never had me do the foot thing. Then again, he also doesn't have Robert's feet. Hey, this could be great. Now we have each other to talk to. Being a sub tends to be something you don't spread around. Most people just don't get it."
For the next hour I violated my promise to Kyle and told Jake about our relationship and my own special feelings. I explained the importance of finding their own path and how trust was vital to the whole thing.
While I was advising Jake, I was careful not to mention that Dexter was also a sub. That was his business and something he'd have to tell Jake himself. Having my two best friends share this terribly intimate propensity was wonderful. I was taking a risk assuming that perhaps Kyle was referring to people outside the lifestyle when he made me make that promise. Jake was definitely a member.
When I was done, Jake had a new look on his face. This time he seemed worried. "Well, that's all great," He said. "It is nice to have someone I trust to talk to about this, but now I'm worried."
"About what?"
"Losing him. I still don't know if he's being dominant because he's a Dom or if he's really just an ass. Up until a few minutes ago my vote was 'ass.' If I didn't understand that I was doing as he commanded because I like it, why should he?'
"You need to talk to him tonight. You said you were supposed to see him at seven?"
"Seven tonight. He ordered me to return when I was leaving."
"That's so hot," I said. "He ordered you back to perform for him? Perfect."
"I'm not used to talking to him. Mostly I just obey."
"Understood. Just don't beat around the bush. Make it immediate and short. That's what I did with Kyle. Look right at him and say, 'Are you a Dom? Are we getting into a dominant-submissive relationship? Because if we are, I want to hear what that means for you.' Look at it this way; you can't sub well for him if you have this hanging over your head. Can you?"
"You know Preston, I think my day is going to be shot until I know one way or the other. I'm going over there right now."
As he started to leave, I called after him, "Go easy on him. Remember, this is probably all new to him. You didn't understand you were a sub and he may not understand either. This could open up a lot of new doors for both of you. Once he understands where you're coming from and the effect he can have over you he might get creative. Oh, and Jake, we're having that dinner over here on Friday so if you can, bring him along."
"You know, if this goes well, I'll ask him. It would be good to get to know him on another level."
When Jake walked out the door, I felt like my batteries were charged. If this worked out, I'd have two friends I could confide in. The three of us were being pulled away from one another by our own individual romances and I'd been wanting to bring us all back together. Kyle didn't even know my friends who meant so much to me. Now it all seemed so ideal. Apparently, we all had one very important thing in common. I realized looking back how the three of us had grown so close so fast. We were all too similar.
The next morning, I was already on campus and heading for the library when my phone rang. "Are you at home?" Jake asked.
"I'm on campus, but I have a few minutes. What happened?"
"Well, when I got back I knew I had to deal with Robert. I just had to know. I went straight to his door and knocked. He was getting ready to leave, so it didn't look like I'd have a lot of time. Robert answered the door and before he had a chance to say anything I blurted it out. 'Are you and I in a dominant-submissive relationship?'
"His face fell, and he looked shocked, almost panicked. I had a feeling it was not going well, but instead it might backfire. Looking up and down the hall to make sure that nobody was around he pulled me into his apartment, shut the door, then hissed, 'Relationship? You think I'm gay'?
"Can you imagine that? I had a bigger job than I thought I did. I didn't even know what to say to that. I wasn't prepared to deal with a guy who was so far in the closet that he still thought he was messing around like some kind of pre-pubescent kid. Messing around didn't involve heavy making out, at least not for me.
"I knew full well he was gay or at least seriously bi. I was furious, but I also pitied him for not having dealt with it yet. 'Look,' I said. 'As crazy as it sounds, you are gay.' I was so upset I just headed for the door. When I got there, I stopped and turned around. 'Robert,' I said. 'When you're sitting here alone tonight thinking about this and it gets to be seven o'clock and I'm not here, I want you to remember me looking up at you with your foot… in my mouth. I want you to think about how I was willing to do anything you asked of me and just how that made you feel. You need to know that I'm not afraid or intimidated by you. But most of all, I need you to know I think I really like you and if you don't get over the ridiculous idea that you might not be gay or at least bi you're going to ruin the best thing that ever happened to you. On top of that, you'll never feel the way I made you feel today. Like it or not, you're coming out some day. If you wait, I'll be long gone. All you have to do is come up and get me. But if you do, it means you not only know you're gay but you're my Dom, mine. It's up to you.'
"Then I walked out. When I got to my apartment, I slammed the door, sat in my bedroom, and cried. I can't imagine him taking me that far and not even seeing himself as gay. I was ready for 'I'm not a Dom' but not 'I'm not gay!'"
"Yeah that's a bit much to swallow," I said. "So did he go to you?"
"Well, let me finish. Then, last night there was a knock at the door. Robert was standing on the other side. He had a sheepish look on his face. I think he'd been crying, too. Looking at the floor he said, 'I'm yours, just like you said.'
"I gestured him in, closed the door behind us, and threw my arms over his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and we just stood there with our arms around each other. With everything we'd done, he'd never held me before. I buried my head into his right shoulder and he was leaning against mine. I glanced at my watch. It was seven o'clock. I told him, 'I know what it's like to wake up one day and realize, whether you like it or not, you're gay. Almost all of us think of the playing around we did as kids as experimenting. In the end our hearts give us away.'
"He pulled his head back to look at me and said, 'I think I want to keep you around.'
"I told him that wouldn't be too hard. I'm crazy about him, Preston. He's got nothing to worry about, I'm not going anywhere. The thing is, I barely know the guy.
"Later, after we were done… you know, he rolled over and said, 'So I'm a Dom?'
"'Yeah and there's someone I haven't even met yet, who I want you to talk to. We've been invited to dinner on Friday, at my best friend's house. He's a sub and his boyfriend's a Dom like you. He might be able to explain more about that side of it. Maybe you can even get a few pointers. I can't explain any of it because this is as new to me as it is to you.'"
The Punishment
Preston
Now that they were working on being a couple, I knew I had to tell Kyle I'd betrayed my promise. I'd have told him anyway, but now that I knew my betrayal had helped two people find one another, I felt better about it.
Not long after I came home, I sat down with Kyle. I'd sent him a text message saying I needed to talk about something important. I was sitting in one of the chairs
across from the couch, leaning forward, bouncing the finger-tips of my hands against each other. I couldn't come up with the words I'd planned on the way home, so I decided to improvise.
"Kyle, I need to tell you something. I've been trying to plan it out, but I can't make it sound better than it is. So, here it is in a nutshell. I was talking to Jake. He got paired up with a neighbor of his who sounds like he's sort of a clueless Dom, you know… like a natural who's never actually heard about it. I know I promised I'd keep what we do between us, but I… got so excited that I… sort of… didn't do that… exactly.
"I told Jake what it is to be a submissive, but I only did it because he was suffering. He's a total sub and didn't understand any of it. I didn't discuss details, but I did tell him about our relationship. I also told him that they need to define their own rules. So, I did break my promise, but besides telling them about being in this lifestyle, I didn't talk about what we do. It really turned out well, and it could change their lives. I felt like I had to, and because I did, I think they're a couple now. Hopefully you'll meet them both at dinner on Friday."
Kyle didn't look upset but ordered me to come over. I walked toward him and awaited his instruction. "Sit down." Sitting down next to him, I saw my legs were starting to tremble. He was too calm for me to read. I'd disobeyed him, and I knew that no matter what the reason was, he was going to be upset just on principle.
I knew in my heart that no matter what the punishment was, it was worth it to bring happiness to one of my best friends. I suspected, if he was upset, it had more to do with disobeying his order than anything I'd said. Sitting on the couch, I awaited my punishment.
A few more seconds passed while Kyle remained silent. I'll never know if he was developing his punishment or just pausing for effect. It scared me, something I'd never felt around him before. "So, you disobeyed me knowing full well you were doing it, and even now you think it was worth it somehow. I can feel it. I know you're not sorry. Other people have been informed, by you, about the nature of our relationship even though I expressly ordered you not to do just that. Would you say that's an accurate description of what I'm dealing with here?"
Looking down at the floor I tried to answer him, but I was afraid I'd break into sobs. He was right. I'd disobeyed him even though I knew better. I did think it was worth it. I might have risked everything. I worship this man. Why did I risk my relationship to the best thing that ever happened to me? It would have waited. "Sir?"
"Yes, Boy."
"I'm sorry. I guess I never thought about it that way. I just got caught up in the moment. It was so exciting to find out that a friend of mine, actually both of my very best friends are getting involved in relationships that are… like ours. I guess I lost my head. The thing is, I want you to be able to trust me, the way I trust you. I know you need to be able to count on me and I let you down."
"That's right, you did. You could have taken five minutes to pull out your phone and ask for permission. Under the circumstances, I'd have given it to you. You're smarter than this. What if you'd enraged me? The real question here is do you want to be my boy enough to respect my orders, or is this just a game for you?"
I started to speak, but he waved me to stay silent.
"You know I gave you the option of setting boundaries, but living up to your promises only when it's convenient isn't one of them. If there is a special situation, like this one, you can always call and explain what's happening and request my permission. I want you to think about what's happened here. If I'm going to trust you I need to know you will live up to your promises. There will be a punishment. While you consider what you've done I'll decide what we're going to do about it."
"Yes, Sir. Please punish me so we can put this behind us. It will never happen again."
We sat there for several minutes. I'd been ordered back into silence and as the minutes ticked by, the adrenalin that had fueled my confession began to wane. I was relieved about being punished because it meant I was still his boy.
Sitting back, looking very serious, Kyle delivered his punishment. "For the next five days you will not service my needs. During those five days I will not give you a single order or command. I need you to know how important this is. I need to know you value what we have here."
I can't believe it, I thought. He's going to do without me for five days. The same man who wanted it daily isn't going to give me a single order for five days. What am I going to do? Worse, what's he going to do? I couldn't ask because I had to remain silent.
"I'm not done," he said. "During that time, you will sleep on the couch. When the five days are over, everything will return to normal and we won't speak of this ever again. I want you to know this punishment is less about you telling your friends, as it is for disobeying me without even taking the time to get my approval.
"During the time you're being punished, I want you to think hard about how this affects me. I'm sharing your punishment. Your behavior is keeping me from enjoying you. I will have to sleep without someone to hold in my arms. I won't have the pleasure of watching you sink into your special place. Think about all the pleasure I will not get. Think about how important my pleasure is to you. Then remember this the next time you're tempted to casually ignore one of my orders.
"In addition, call your friends and postpone the dinner party a week. Your trip out on the town is postponed as well. Agreed?"
"Yes, Sir," I answered. My voice was quivering. I thought he'd spank me or force me to kneel for hours or something that would be over soon. His punishment was harsh. It was worse than anything I was expecting. Never again speaking of this was just the way I wanted it. At least he'd never browbeat me about it, but this separation was worse. His punishment made me feel like his image of me had diminished and that was killing me.
He planned to forgive me, and for that I was grateful. The idea that his punishment was hurting him as well wasn't lost on me. We were going to go through this together and somehow hurting him gave the whole thing new meaning.
As I went to my studies, I was thinking about the way my life had changed since my arrival. I'd originally come to simply service this man and leave on a daily basis, only to discover that I'd given my heart to him. Somehow, I knew he'd given me his as well.
I needed to tell my friends about the party, but I wasn't about to do that without talking to Kyle first. I closed my book and went back into the living room where I found Kyle slumped over with his head in his hands. I was about to leave, not wanting him to know I'd seen him that way, when he sat up and asked, "What?"
"Sir, when my friends ask me why I'm postponing the dinner, what should I say?"
"These friends of yours are going to be friends of ours before long. They will share this lifestyle. You have my permission to tell your friends you're being punished. When they ask you why, you must explain that you failed to obey my order and tell them what the order was. Then, tell them your punishment. They're new at this and they need to understand."
I called Jake first. When I told him, I'd disobeyed an order and was being punished, he surprised me by saying, "Dude, that's so hot." Apparently, he was coming along faster than I thought. I also explained that my punishment was absolutely fair, and I was okay with it. I didn't want him to feel responsible, so I explained that I could have avoided it all by asking for permission. Luckily, he was available for dinner a week later.
I repeated the call to Dexter a few minutes later. Like Jake, he got a kick out of it. I didn't tell Dexter about the details of my indiscretion because I suspected he'd be on the phone with Jake a minute later. I was certain they didn't know about each other yet, but something told me they would before next Friday.
Kyle was typing something out on his computer. As I walked by, I glanced down, as I often do, to hopefully catch a look at what he was writing about. All I could read without being obvious about my snooping was the title, 'The Punishment.'
It shook me to my core. He's more upset about what I've done than I thought.
I knew one thing for sure: I'd never do anything to hurt him again.
I turned to go into the kitchen to plan something special for him. Before I passed through the door, I turned and said. "Sir, I'm so sorry. Please believe me." He turned and looked at me with a pained expression and turned back to his keyboard without a word.
*~*~*
During our next visit to the self-defense class, we practiced our falls by being gently tossed onto the mat. We were each thrown about twenty times by Leonard, the instructor and Dexter's new Dom. After he'd determined we were able to handle that particular fall, he gave us an 'on your back' fall to learn using both arms. For the rest of the class we got to throw ourselves backwards onto the mat. I'd never been happier to see a class end. We stayed behind this time long enough to see everyone heading to the showers. I'd been instructed to do that and as Kyle had asked, I tried to persuade Jake to join us. He was reluctant, but he agreed.
Most of the men stripped quickly and headed off to the showers. There wasn't any towel whipping or antics like I remembered from high school. These men didn't seem at all concerned about their nudity.
As we headed into the showers, I was careful to keep my eyes off Dexter. I could see Kyle checking him out. I guess I couldn't blame him since I'd made such an issue of the feelings I'd felt after seeing him naked. At the same time, a simple glance would have sufficed. I looked around nonchalantly, seeing all of the men. While a few of them were obviously gifted, I didn't seem to be having the kind of reaction I'd had when I looked at Dexter.
While soaping up, I glanced over to gaze momentarily at Jake. He was nicer looking than I'd thought. It's odd to me that people I've come to see a certain way change when I see them undressed. He was still skinny, but it was sort of natural. His ribs weren't protruding. He had a firm body, and while he didn't carry the six pack that I'd hoped for, the blond hair I'd grown used to seeing on his head darkened considerably to medium brown down below.
His fear of this new situation was obvious. I noticed he was looking at Dexter too. Following his stare, I casually glanced over at Dexter as a test. I quickly looked away only to notice that many of the men were looking at him, too. Once again, my heart was in my throat as I began to try to think of things to keep from becoming aroused. The other men's attentions made Dexter seem all the more desirable. At the same time, it was obvious they were checking out Jake and I as well, but their expressions revealed a distinct preference for Dexter. I was done showering, so I headed back to my locker.
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