Dexter was speechless for a time. Finally, he pulled himself together and I realized he had tears in his eyes. "What kind of friend am I when I seduce the partner of the man who takes me in at my hour of need? I think I better leave. I'm bad for you guys. Preston, I'm so sorry I did this to you. I've messed you up, and I love that you have feelings for me too, but I should never have let this happen."
Hearing Dexter talk about leaving gave me a new resolve. I couldn't be alone, not now and I couldn't bear seeing him walk out the door. "No! Please… don't be sorry. I'm…not…sorry. I just can't decide how to fix this or if it even can be fixed. On the one hand I'm ashamed I didn't have the strength to decide otherwise, but on the other hand I really wanted this, probably more than you did."
"I doubt that. I've wanted you since Jake introduced us. I just didn't know you were who you are. If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have arranged this much sooner."
Reaching out and pulling me close, Dexter held me tightly and we lay quietly in each other's arms. Dexter was the first to break the silence. "I really like Kyle. When he gets back, I'll talk to him. I don't want you to have to do this. I'll tell him I seduced you, which is kinda true, that I'm sorry, and ask him to forgive me. In the meantime, I think I should find a place to live before he gets home. Having the man who convinced his boy to betray his promise to him living in his house… well, you can imagine."
I was lost. If Dexter talked to Kyle, I was going to lose Kyle. I needed Kyle to know I didn't do this because I missed sex while he was gone. I was going to have to tell him I had real feelings for Dexter that meant a lot more than sex. At the same time, I knew in my heart he'd think that was worse.
Things were quiet around the house after that morning. Dexter and I were cordial to one another, but I was sensitive to the fact that he often veered his gaze off to the side. I never seemed to be able to see him. His body was there, but the Dexter I'd come to love was lost somewhere inside. I felt wholly responsible. Kyle was expected back the next day.
Seeing Dexter look away one more time was all I could bear. I went to him and took him by the shoulders. "We'll handle this," I said. "I don't know how, but we have to work this out. I love you so much, I just don't…"
"No," he interrupted. "I love you too, but I'd never be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I took you from Kyle after he took me in like this. As it is I can't believe I've already done this. As much as I love you, I've hurt you by coming between you. You have no idea how I feel about myself right now."
We stood there awhile holding each other. Pulling away we didn't speak of it again. Neither of us had a solution.
*~*~*
Kyle
I took a cab from the airport, arriving home shortly before the boys were due back. Walking into the bedroom, I set my luggage on the bed and prepared to unpack. When I heard a car door slam outside, I stepped out of the bedroom just in time to hear footsteps on the porch. As they walked in the door, I saw their silhouette and prepared myself for an emotional homecoming.
Once the door was closed, I could see their faces. I thought they'd be happy to see me, but when I saw their expressions, I knew something was wrong.
Preston ran past me, through the room and into our bedroom, slamming the door behind him. A few seconds later he came back, keys in hand, ran past us again, and out the door in tears. I studied Dexter a few seconds, finally asking, "What's wrong with Preston? What the hell's going on?"
Dexter stood there in the dining room with a panicked expression on his face. "Kyle, something happened when you were gone. It's all my fault. I take full responsibility."
"What are you talking about? You boys break something?"
"It's just that… while you were gone we… it wasn't planned, and we didn't expect to…"
What he was trying to say crystallized. My eyes grew wide. "Leonard told me you're a switch. Is that true?"
Dexter nodded, realizing I was on the right track. I waited, fighting the sick feeling in my stomach and the grief that was threatening to erupt at any moment. He looked up and this time looked me dead in the eye. "It just happened. We've been close a long time. Preston came in my room to tell me breakfast was almost ready and… I was… trying to relieve a little tension when he caught me. He was about to leave, but I stopped him. Actually, I ordered him. It was me, and I am deeply ashamed. I'll leave right away; my things are almost all packed. I'm going to stay with Jake a few days until I find a place."
Reaching out, I took Dexter by the shoulders. "Oh, no you don't. You did this and now you're going to fix it. Preston isn't the kind of guy who sleeps around. I need to get to the bottom of this. You don't get to come here, screw everything up and then take off. Do…you…understand?"
"Yes, sir. I'll do whatever you say… Sir, but what are you going to do? Why would you want me to…"?
"First we're going to set some ground rules around here."
Dexter put his head down in submission. The effect of seeing him transition only spurred my anger. At the same time the Dom was fighting to take over. "Kneel… NOW and don't give me any shit."
Dexter's eyes grew wide, but he dropped instantly. His hands automatically clasped behind him.
"You know what to do," I said.
Dexter glanced up and saw the expression on my face. As I watched, his eyes begin to droop. I slowly started to unbuckle my belt, then I pushed him away with one hand and buckled my belt again. Punishment sex wasn't my style. My fury began to subside into anger. Realizing what I was almost willing to do melted anger into guilt. I took a deep breath, to pull myself together. As I pulled Dexter to his feet, I tried to think of some way to apologize to someone who'd betrayed me. In my anger, I'd dominated him, and he'd been a very good student, only now returning to reality.
*~*~*
Preston
I ran down the steps to the driveway. My car was the last in line, still warm from the drive. My eyes were flooded with tears and I thought my life was over. Starting the car, I peeled out and drove away. I had nowhere to go, but I knew I'd better park soon or I was going to get in a wreck or attract the attention of a police cruiser. I need to calm down, I thought.
I pulled over near my old apartment building and got out of the car. I needed to walk some of this emotion off. Wiping my tears on my sleeve, I tried to compose myself. I was standing under the shade of an old orange tree. I started walking slowly down the sidewalk, wondering what would happen when I got home and how I was ever going to face Kyle again.
I turned the corner and stopped dead in my tracks. Right down the street were the same three guys that beat the tar out of me the last time I ran into them. They recognized me in an instant. Rather than run, I felt an odd peace. Replacing my normal reaction of fear with this peace was a skill I'd picked up in Leonard's self-defense class. It didn't last long. My fear and sadness over Kyle and Dexter were gone. The temporary peace I'd experienced was replaced by a pure evil rage. I walked straight ahead, swallowing my hatred and trying to keep a calm exterior. I pretended I didn't recognize them, but quietly kept eye contact with first one and then the other.
The tall one smiled and called to his friends, "There's that fag that has the boyfriend with all the moves." Then calling to me, he said, "You got a lot of nerve walking in our neighborhood."
I decided to remain silent. I didn't need to talk to the likes of them, but unlike Kyle, I didn't play a role for them. I wanted to attack with all my being, but Leonard had pounded the rules into me. "You never use your skills to attack. It's called self-defense for a reason." He must have said that at least once at every training session. I'd been in a number of Leonard's classes by now and even though I had a long way to go he'd instilled a certain self-confidence that overcame my natural fear reaction to a situation like this. Now my newfound confidence was fueled by an exaggerated fury.
As I reached the boys, I could think of nothing, but hurting them. They were expecting the cowering young man they'd beat before. The tall b
londe started to swing while the second one moved in behind me, presumably to hold my arms. I deflected the blond boy's fist as it came toward me, one of the moves we practiced only the week before. Knowing he had to be disabled I took that split second of surprise to kick him hard across the kneecap, perhaps harder than I needed to. He dropped on the strip of lawn running the length of the sidewalk. Spinning around I stood face to face with the brown-haired muscle boy who'd planned on holding me helpless while his friend beat the crap out of me. Without hesitation, my knee flew up hard and fast into his crotch, dropping him on the hot sidewalk. He lay there moaning, curled into a ball with his hands between his legs. "Get him, Alex," he yelled to the remaining boy.
The third boy looked terrified. His hair was jet black and his voice was shaking. "Please don't. I won't try to hurt you… please?"
As I walked toward him, he cringed. I calmly looked at his cowering figure and said, "You're coming with me… Alex." I wanted him to know I knew his name.
"Wh…Why?" he stuttered, glancing at his friends still writhing in pain. I was briefly entertained by his fear. No person had ever reacted to me that way.
"Because you just lost your two friends." I turned and pointed to the boys on the ground behind me. "When his balls stop aching and your blonde friend gets out of physical therapy, they're going to beat the shit out of you for pleading with me. It's time you found some new friends. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm going to escort you away for your own safety and you're coming whether you like it or not."
Without saying another word, he straightened up considering what I'd just said. "Now walk in front of me where I can keep an eye on you." He started walking back the way I'd come. This time I was going back to the car.
Something had changed. I wasn't afraid anymore. Somehow, I knew I'd never be afraid like that again. After a lifetime of being afraid that people would discover who I was, I didn't have to care anymore. It was time for me to stand up and face Kyle. When I had that under control it was going to be time to talk to my parents. I was done worrying about what people thought.
When I got to the car I turned to Alex again. "Get out of here and give those two friends of yours a wide berth."
As he turned to continue down the street, I stopped him by grabbing his shoulder. I thought he was going to faint on the spot. "Kyle told me about you. He's the guy 'with all the moves' your friend spoke of. He's right, you don't belong with that trash. You're one of us. Like it or not, you're one of us. That might sound odd to you, but I can see it now." Leaving that to soak in, I got in the car, started the engine and turned around back toward the house. I was once again unusually calm.
As I headed home I planned what I was going to say. Everything I considered sounded lame. I was guilty and giving Kyle excuses would just anger him. I had to own up to what I'd done and apologize to Dexter for putting him in the position of explaining everything to Kyle. That was my job. Knowing I'd run from that responsibility shamed me.
Parking on the street in front of the house, I stood by the car door a few seconds then pushed it closed as quietly as I could. I didn't want to warn them of my arrival. I needed to speak, and I didn't want to be hit with a preplanned verbal attack from Kyle, who undoubtedly knew of my betrayal by now.
Waiting by the car was just delaying the inevitable. Taking a deep breath and staring up at the door on the other side of the porch, I walked toward the house to face them both. There are going to be no lies, I thought. This is all coming out.
*~*~*
Kyle
From the kitchen, I heard footsteps on the porch. I walked into the dining room and then seconds later there was a flash of light from outside. I stood there facing the advancing silhouette. Dexter was sitting at one of the dining room chairs. He stood and waited, both of us wondering what would happen next.
Together we faced the advancing figure coming from the now closed front door. I was torn between anger at what he'd done and guilt at what I'd almost done, while still wondering why I'd demanded that Dexter stay. At the time I was incensed that he planned to just run away, leaving us to pick up the pieces. Now I didn't know what to do with him.
Not knowing what else to say and knowing what I'd almost done to Dexter, I didn't want to escalate emotions already piqued, I offered a gesture of fault to get the discussion we had to have underway. "I should have realized you were attracted to Dexter when you told me about the shower."
"What about the shower?" Dexter said.
Preston turned to Dexter with a loud but short, "Later." Dexter got tight-lipped standing behind the dining room table near the doorway to the kitchen as though frozen in place.
With a look of determination, replacing the sadness from the bedroom, he raised the volume. Turning to me he said, "I must be losing my mind. I love you so much. You will never understand how lucky I've felt just to be your boy…" Then turning to Dexter he said, "I love you too, but I'll be damned if I know a way to keep you both. Now I'm terrified I'll lose you both. I won't lie about my feelings. We all need to know how I feel to deal with this. No matter what happens, somebody, maybe everybody, gets hurt and no matter what Dexter says, this is all my fault."
"You're not alone," I said. "Dexter loves you too. I know that now, and I certainly understand why. He sees the same things in you that I do, but he actually has a lot more in common with you. It all makes sense. I don't know why I didn't see this coming."
Pacing alongside the dining room table, Kyle looked first at Preston, then turned and walked back, looking at Dexter. "This may sound crazy to you both, but maybe, just maybe, we can work this out so everyone's happy. If we all just keep from losing our heads over this, maybe we can move on. I think I may have a solution."
Dexter broke in, "I know I'm out of bounds here, but this sounds like it leaves me out in the cold. This is my fault no matter what Preston says. Kyle, you had every right to believe nothing would happen. When it did, it wasn't planned, but I could have honored you by not letting it happen. Preston was about to excuse himself and shut the door. I stopped him. I take full responsibility. I feel like I can't stay here after the pain I've caused you both." Turning to Preston, he said, "Kyle doesn't want me to leave right away. He told me I wasn't about to mess things up here and then run off, but I think I should leave you two alone. I'm just a constant reminder. I'd never be able to hold my head up here, not after hurting you two, especially after you took me in the way you did." Walking toward the guest room he said, "I'll get my things together and…"
"No, Dexter!" I interrupted. "You don't get to come in here and waltz out. I told you that! You're staying here, and your apartment search is officially over." Freezing in place, still facing the hallway toward the guest room, Dexter turned to face me, not expecting what I was about to say. I asked him a simple question. "You love him, don't you?"
Looking at the floor he murmured, "That doesn't matter."
"Love always matters, especially when it's shared. That doesn't just drop in your lap every day. We all need to find out where this is going. So be honest."
"But…" Preston began.
Interrupting Preston, I pointed to Dexter, "Answer me!"
"Yes, I love him more than anything. I love the way he smells, the way he talks, his laugh, and so, yes, I love him. Now, you happy?"
"Yes. I thought so." Turning to Preston I said, "And you, I should have known when you told me the effect he had on you in the shower."
"Is this about the club shower?" Dexter tried again.
"Later," we said in unison. Turning back to Dexter, I could see his confusion. Pausing a moment, I decided to explain the mystery. "That first day in the shower at the defense class, Preston saw you naked for the first time, and since then he's seen you in a different light. To his surprise, he found you desirable, something he didn't expect. Now, if you have any more questions hold them for later."
I faced Preston again. "I thought when you went into the shower the following week with everyone else you'd realize
your reaction to Dexter was normal. There was plenty of very fine flesh in that shower, but it didn't faze you did it? Dexter had your full attention. Actually, he had a lot of guys' attention, including mine."
Looking at Preston, Dexter said slowly, "You felt that way about me? You really… love… me? Really?"
Preston looked calm. He'd been shaken when he arrived, but seeing the conversation take this turn seemed to have changed him. He looked strong and confident, the way I saw him most of the time. Approaching Dexter, lowering his voice, he looked into Dexter's eyes and his lips curved into a semi-smile. Reaching toward Dexter's face, he wiped a tear away that was sliding down his cheek. "I told you that earlier, remember? I meant it."
"But we'd just… I thought that…"
"I love you, Dexter and I love you too, Kyle. I can't have you both, and now I've betrayed Kyle—"
Dexter broke in. "I do love you Preston. I love you a lot. We can't both have you. I know that you and Kyle have something really special. That's why I think I should…"
"Stop," I broke in. "Both of you go sit down!" Preston and Dexter walked into the living room and I followed. Standing in front of them both, I began to pace the floor. "I don't know why I didn't see it," I said. "It's so obvious. Look, we've been going on like Preston has to make a choice, thinking he can either fix things with me or he can turn to you instead."
Dexter started to speak, "Yeah, bu…"
"Stop! What if I told you that wasn't necessary?"
Preston jumped up. "What are you talking about? I can't have both of you!"
"Why not? You can if we all agree to it," I said. The room went silent. Preston looked at Dexter, who was looking at him. Together they both looked up at me with what looked like a spark of hope.
Dexter was the first to speak. "That would mean you and I would be sharing Preston?"
An Extended Family Page 15
