Twelfth Night at Eyre Hall

by Luccia Gray

  “That is why I am here. I have come to beseech you to stop the wedding and insist that Dante do the honourable thing and marry my sister.”

  A look I had never seen glazed her eyes. She stiffened and spoke quietly. “It amazes me how differently you behaved when you had fathered a child yourself.”

  I remembered how her soft skin had moulded pliantly into mine, how she had surrendered completely to me, and I wanted to beg her forgiveness, but my words were trapped in my dry throat.

  She walked to the window and pressed her palms against the panes.

  “Get out.”

  “Please forgive me, Jane.”

  “Now.”

  “I did not believe you.”

  “Why not?” she shook her head and spoke into the windowpane.

  “I could not believe you. We had only spent one night together.”

  She spun round with fire in her eyes.

  “One night too many.”

  “I thought you were lying to keep me by your side.”

  “When have I lied to you?”

  “You were going to marry Mason. You did marry Mason.”

  “You left me and my entire world crumbled. You were the only person I had to lean on. I was alone. And you broke my heart and my soul.”

  “I had to go.”

  “You had to go?” She walked towards me. “I bled all night until I was almost bloodless. I could have died!” Tears gushed down her cheeks.

  I moved closer, wishing I could hold her in my arms and explain. “You don’t understand how I felt.”

  She stepped backwards before speaking. “Enlighten me.”

  “I wasn’t worthy of you.”

  “No, you were not.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I wouldn’t have minded dying, then. I was bedridden for months after you left.”

  “I knew nothing.”

  “You left me alone with our child, and I lost him.”

  “I did not leave you, Jane. You left me. You agreed to marry Mr. Mason. How do you think I felt? You were going to marry another man, a man who doesn’t love you or respect you, a man who is not worthy of you.”

  “I would not have married him if you had been by my side.”

  “I was low on your list of priorities.”

  “I wanted to hate you with all my heart. I tried to hate you.”

  I stepped towards her. “Do you still hate me?”

  “You broke my heart, but I never hated you. How could I?”

  I wanted to hold her in my arms again, but I kept my distance. She had not forgiven me yet. “Mrs. Mason, please sit down by the hearth.”

  She did so and I busied myself with the fire as I used to, then sat on the couch by her side.

  “Will you help Susan?”

  “Does Dante know Susan is pregnant?”

  “He does. She says he has offered to take care of her and the baby, but he believes he must marry Annette because his father demands it.”

  “That is not such a bad arrangement.”

  “I do not agree.”

  “What do you want me to do?”

  “Dante must marry Susan.”

  “I do not know how Annette will react. She hardly knows Dante. It is Mr. Greenwood who may be a problem. How will it affect his marriage to Adele? He was planning on a double wedding. Unfortunately, it all depends on the dowry. Annette’s is very high.”

  “So is Adele’s. I dare say Mr. Greenwood would not risk losing both.”

  “Perhaps you are right.”

  “Dante is the father. He should behave responsibly.”

  She turned to me, her eyes shining. “I wish you had felt responsible.”

  “If you were not married, I would tell you what I feel now, but you are married, Mrs. Mason.”

  “It seems I have spent my life paying for crimes I did not commit. When I was a young innocent girl, I fell in love with a man who was married and had hidden his wife. I had to leave as if I had committed a crime. Then I put up with his infidelities, and he stole my daughter and sent her away from me. Finally, the man I loved abandoned me mercilessly, and now he has come to see how I have become the unhappy wife of a monster.”

  “When I left, I thought it was because you were using me. I hated you for agreeing to marry Mason, but then I realised that I left because it was the only way I could be with you, as your equal. So you could be proud of me. I needed to be worthy of you, that is why I joined the navy. It’s why I risked my life, so you would not be ashamed of me.”

  “I was never ashamed of you, Michael.”

  A tense silence ensued. I watched her thinking as the flames danced on her red satin dress.

  “I will speak to Dante tomorrow and his father when he returns from York, but I promise you nothing. My priority is Adele’s wellbeing.”

  “Thank you. Is there anything I can do for you?”

  “I think not.”

  “What happened to Helen? I told you I would help you find her, once. I will help you now. I will turn London upside down if needs be.”

  “She is dead.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I received a letter from Mrs. Banks, and she told me.”

  “May I see it?”

  She walked to her desk and searched in the drawers. “I can’t seem to find it.”

  “Let me investigate. It may not be true.”

  “Helen died… twice.” She was still rummaging through drawers.

  “You gave up too soon.”

  I wish I had bitten my tongue before saying those careless words, as I saw the furious look in her eyes again. Could it be hate?

  “Too soon? I gave up too soon? I was sick, bedridden, alone, tired, and broken. What could I do? How dare you speak to me like that? Who do you think you are, barging into my study and telling me what to do? You lost that right when you walked out on me! You abandoned your duty. You used me and left me. Don’t you dare speak to me like that again, ever!”

  I wanted to hold her and tell her that it would be all right, but all I could do was let her hate me, and beg forgiveness. I was her servant again, and I realised that she would always be my mistress.

  “Forgive me, please. Can I do anything to help you now?”

  “I’m sorry.” She held her fingers to her temples and closed her eyes. “I did not mean to lose my temper like that. I don’t like to recall.” She turned away from me, and I was helpless. There was nothing I could do for her any more. I waited for her to speak, but she said nothing.

  “Let me help you find Helen. Let me make it up to you, please. May I take the letter with me to London?”

  “It is too late for all of us. My world is coming to pieces, Mason is ruining the estate, John’s fiancée died, Annette was going to marry Dante, and Adele was going to marry Mr. Greenwood and now that may not be happening either… Perhaps you were right, I tried to control their lives and I cannot. I feel as if I am looking into an abyss. Nothing has happened as I planned. You left and my world collapsed.”

  “Will you look for the letter and let me read it, please?” She glared at me, but I insisted. “Let me go to London and speak to Mrs. Banks personally.”

  “Why would she lie?”

  “Perhaps she is speaking the truth, but I would like to make sure.”

  She moved around the desk restlessly. “I do not want to start hoping and lose her again.”

  “What do you feel about Helen?”

  “What does it matter what I feel?”

  “Do you feel that she is alive?”

  “How am I to know? I have not felt anything for a long time.”

  I watched her wipe her tears, hating myself for being the cause of her anguish. “Let me help you, Jane.”

  “I’m terrified of feeling anything again. I have become accustomed to the numbness. It is better than the emptiness I felt when you left.”

  I could see her eyes shining and feel her heart ache. I moved towards her. “Please, find the letter. Let me look
for Helen.”

  My fingers folded over her hands. “Let me do this for you, Jane. I owe it to you.”

  The door flung open. Master John barged in and stared at us. “So it’s true! Mason is telling the truth! You and Michael! Mother, how could you?”

  Annette flew in behind. “John, do not speak to your mother like that! My uncle is drunk. He doesn’t know what he is saying.”

  “Master John, you have been wrongly informed. Your mother and I had some confidential matters to discuss related to a third party whose identity cannot be disclosed. Mrs. Mason had entrusted me with a letter I am to deliver on her behalf. I was just leaving.”

  “You are not good enough for her. You never will be, even if you become an admiral!”

  “On that we both agree. Never doubt my admiration and respect for your mother.”

  Simon rushed in, breathlessly.

  “Simon, please call Miss Adele. Mrs. Mason is unwell,” I said.

  “I’m afraid Miss Adele has retired with a headache, Michael—I mean, Lieutenant Kirkpatrick.”

  “I will stay with her,” said Annette rushing to her side, pulling her arm gently. “Come, Jane. Sit down by the hearth.”

  “Now I understand it all, you were always there stalking her, night and day, until she fell prey to your dishonest advances.”

  “I assure you, Master John…”

  “Get out of my house you miserable cad!”

  “John!” Annette rushed to his side. “I think you should apologise to Lieutenant Kirkpatrick. We do not treat our guests in this manner at Eyre Hall.” John glared at Annette’s words.

  “Master John need not apologise to me, Miss Mason. I have taken no offence, but he should not speak to his mother with such disrespect. She does not deserve…”

  “My mother has been flirting disgracefully with this…this…”

  “Master John, you are mistaken in your belief that your mother and I have maintained any relationship other than as a loyal servant and the lady of the house.”

  “Deny it! Tell me you do not love her, have never loved her, desired her.” He waited for me to speak, but I could not deny my feelings in her presence. I was silent.

  “You cannot! I have seen the way you look at her. You seduced her!”

  Phoebe rushed up behind him. “John, what’s the matter? What is all the shouting about? Come back to the party.”

  “Go back to the party, John. Please,” said Annette.

  “You challenged Mr. Mason because he is an old man, Michael, but would you dare challenge me?”

  Jane bolted from her chair and rushed towards her son. “John, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “Someone has to defend your honour, Mother.”

  “My honour is intact, and so is Lieutenant Kirkpatrick’s.”

  “John, what’s happening? Is there going to be a fight?” asked Phoebe.

  “I think you should not neglect your fiancée, John. She has come to enjoy herself, not to witness a family quarrel,” said Annette as she took Jane back to the chaise longue.

  Phoebe took John’s arm and pulled him towards the door. He turned back at the threshold. “You are not welcome at Eyre Hall, Mr. Kirkpatrick!”

  I watched him leave and turned to Jane, who was crying into a kerchief. I approached her armchair from behind, kneeling on the floor, and gently placed my hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry I have caused you such distress, Mrs. Mason.” My hand brushed her cheek, and as she turned her face towards me, I wiped a tear away. I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her I would take care of her and everything would be all right. Instead, I said, “Please, forgive me for everything I have ever said or done to displease you.” She smiled. Her eyes shone like the emerald waters I had seen on my arrival at Haiti.

  “I will return tomorrow for the letter.” I brought my lips down to her ear. “Please take care tonight, Jane.”

  She turned her face towards my lips and whispered, “Thank you, Michael.”

  I had dreamed for months of being close to her. I could not move away, and neither did she. Annette interrupted just as my lips touched hers.

  “Lieutenant Kirkpatrick, I will show you out.”

  I heard Miss Mason’s words, but I could not move away from my mistress’s lips. I loved her more than ever, and realised the pain of parting was nothing to the joy of meeting again.

  “I do not wish to be rude, Lieutenant, but I fear both my uncle and my cousin are still heated and drinking liberal amounts of brandy, a dangerous combination. It would be wise to avoid further quarrels today.”

  “Come back tomorrow for the letter, Michael,” Jane whispered and I moved away.

  Annette accompanied me to the door, no doubt making sure I left without further incidents. I turned to her. “Miss Mason, I appreciate your help this evening, and in Morton. Mrs. Mason is fortunate that you are at her side.”

  “Jane has been kind to me, and I wish to repay her generosity.”

  “Miss Mason, I must ask you a personal question. It is not my wish to offend you in any way, but I would like to ask you about a matter relating to Dante Greenwood. May I?”

  “You may.”

  “Do you have feelings for Dante Greenwood?”

  “None at all.”

  “I supposed so, but it is a great relief to hear your confirmation. My sister, Susan, is expecting his child.”

  “Dear God! I had no idea. I knew something was the matter with Susan, and I assumed it was related to matters of the heart, but I had no idea she was pregnant. Rest assured I have no feelings for Dante, and even less so if he has fathered a child with Susan. I am sure that Dante, and especially his father, have an interest in my dowry, nothing more.”

  “Would you make sure Mrs. Mason is aware of your opinion? It would greatly help my sister’s position.”

  “Does Dante love her?”

  “My sister tells me they are in love.”

  “Is he prepared to marry her?”

  “I believe so.”

  “Then the matter is solved.”

  “Perhaps not. Mr. Greenwood may insist on your marriage to his son. If you inform Mrs. Mason that such a match would not be to your pleasure, Susan’s position will be more favourable.”

  “Rest assured, Lieutenant Kirkpatrick, I will inform Jane at once.”

  “I cannot thank you enough, Miss Mason.”

  She opened the door. “Lieutenant Kirkpatrick, you must understand that my uncle is a very dangerous man.”

  “I fear no man, Miss Mason.”

  “I was thinking of Jane. Your visit may have put her at great risk.”

  “Nothing is further from my intentions, Miss Mason.”

  “Then please proceed with caution. Mrs. Mason is a married woman.”

  The Carringtons had already left. Joseph took me back to the inn, and I mulled over the evening’s events, head bent and spirits low. Annette was right. I had ruined everything for myself and for Jane. I had dug a hole and crawled inside with every shameful word I had said. I had hurt Jane with my foolhardy words, which she did not deserve. I had confronted her son, and placed her in an embarrassing situation with her husband, while her house was full of family and guests. I was indeed the unworthy, miserable cad her son had identified. I deserved Saul’s death. Indeed, it had crossed my mind to end the misery I had been feeling since I had left Eyre Hall over a year ago. I imagined my finger on the trigger and the barrel at my temple. One quick movement and it would be over. No more pain.

  ***

  I watched Michael jump into the carriage and returned to the library. Jane was as I had left her, staring into the fire with a blank expression. I approached the couch, uncertain of whether she wanted my company. I asked her how she was feeling.

  “I’m not sure I’m able to express, or even understand, how I feel at this moment, Annette.”

  “Jane, is there anything I can do to help?” I asked.

  “Sit with me, if you care to.” I sank into the couc
h by her side.

  “I have been speaking to Lieutenant Kirkpatrick. He is very worried about his sister. He has told me of her predicament.”

  “Women in love are often foolish and impulsive. On Susan’s behalf, she was vulnerable. Adele should have taken more care of her, and Mr. Greenwood should have brought up his son to be more honourable. He must have seduced her while she was in his own house! It is most unfair.”

  “I think they are in love, Jane.”

  “How can you know?”

  “Well, Dante has been honest with me. He told me he would marry me if I agreed, to please his father, but he informed me that he loved another woman whom his father would not approve of, because she had no dowry. I had no idea who it was, but now I gather it is Susan. I have no feelings whatsoever for Dante, and I am not inclined to marry a man who loves another woman. I would prefer to remain a spinster than to marry a man I do not love.”

  “Are you in love, Annette?”

  “I do not know. I have had very little experience with men.” I lied because the truth was unspeakable.

  “Would you like a season in London? You are so beautiful, and with your dowry, you would have suitors to choose from.”

  “I am too old for that, and the idea of parading in fancy balls to exhibit myself and my dowry in search of the highest bidder is unacceptable to me.”

  “I can understand that, but the older you are, the less choice you will have.”

  “I do not care if I never marry. I could return to the convent in Jamaica. I was happy there, or I could stay at Eyre Hall, with you. You will be alone when Adele marries.”

  “Would you stay and watch John marry and have children?”

  I was surprised at her question. “It seems we are both in love with men we cannot marry. What are we going to do, Jane?”

  We hugged and laughed, and then cried in each other’s arms.

  “I feel exhausted, Annette, and terrified. The earth is cracking beneath my feet. I am falling into a pit and there is nothing to stop me reaching the bottom. I used to think I was in charge, that I could run this family and the estate, but I am a wreck, and this family and the estate are coming to pieces.”

  “Mother Superior used to say when we had a complex problem that we should meditate on it as if it were a flower with different petals. Each petal was a small part of the problem that should be tackled independently and torn away, until only the central receptacle was left. The receptacle on its own withers and the problem disappears.”